It's a classic mano y mano, no matter how hard you try.
By CH Writing Staff
INT. OFFICE - LUNCH TABLE
MURPH, DAN & SAM play poker at the table. Piles of chips
surround them. We pan between their super-intense faces.
Whattaya got, hombre?
Reveal: they're playing Uno. Dan plays a "Draw 4" to Murph.
MURPH flips the table. All three jump up, draw guns at each
other and start screaming threats. Beat of this.
Wait, wait, wait! Are we having a
I think we are! That is so badass.
A real Mexican Standoff. Wow. This
has been a dream since I was six
years old, watching Reservoir Dog-
Dan's gun goes off and SHOOTS MURPH DEAD.
I'm so sorry! It just went off!
You're sorry? You're sorry? How do
you think I feel? Now this is just
a boring normal standoff! A Mexican
Standoff needs at least 3 people,
each of whom-
DAN / SAM
-is aiming at one gunman while
being aimed at by another.
MURPH! NOOOO! Which one of you
dirty sumbitches shot my friend?
Owen draws a pistol. Everyone aims guns at each other.
ALL RIGHT! We got that magic back,
Sam's gun goes off and KILLS DAN.
NO! AW, I didn't realize the
trigger meant shoot!
Nuts. We almost had it there.
(runs in with gun drawn)
Hey, I heard there was a Mexican
Standoff going on?
Nah, not anymore.
He turns to go. Sam suddenly realizes they need him.
Wait, no, stay! That's perfect!
Owen shoots Kevin in the back, KILLING KEVIN.
Oh! Sorry, I- thought we didn't
need him anymore.
So you just shot him?
Are we... not shooting people now?
A shot rings from off camera, KILLING OWEN.
Wha- who did that?
Whip reveal PAT, JENNY & AMIR pointing guns at each other.
Sorry! My gun went off!
Wait, you guys are doing a Mexican
Standoff, too? Can I join?
Well, we already have three people.
Amir SNEEZES & fires his gun, KILLING PAT.
Yeah, come on over.
Okay, but let's hurry up and do
this, because I feel like any
second one of us could-
JENNY IS SHOT. JOSH & STREETER run in, wearing hunting gear.
Ah, my bad, I thought you were a
(seeing the others)
Oh hey, Mexican Standoff?
Josh, Streeter, Sam & Amir aim guns at each other.
Okay, everyone ready? One, two-
Amir sneezes again, KILLS JOSH.
Sam's gun goes off, KILLS AMIR.
Shit, sorry! I keep forgetting the
trigger is the shooty part.
Hey guys, can I join?
Oh, yeah, that'd be great!
Sure! 'Course I can't use my hands
because of my carpal tunnel, and
I'm blind in this one eye so I'd
estimate I'm only about 47% as
effective as a normal shooter, but
if you give me a 0.65 second head
start then I'm sure I can-
Streeter shoots Adam. ADAM DIES. Sam stares at Streeter.
Come on, I don't want to do math.
No, no, that was fair.
There you are!
Whip to reveal EMILY, standing at the door to an office. A
big "CH STAFF GUN SAFETY MEETING" sign is posted outside.
We were supposed to start this Gun
Safety meeting ten minutes ago.
Sam & Streeter hurry over to her. Sam throws a spare gun at
Emily, who barely catches it.
Emily, thank god! Here, aim that at
Streeter. Streeter, you aim at me,
and Emily, I swear to god, if you
move one inch and I will blow your
fucking head off. All right! Woo!
Mexican Standoff! Everyone ready?
Streeter raises his hand, revealing a wound in his chest.
I accidentally shot myself while
you were explaining.
JAKE enters with MANUEL, his Mexican cousin.
Hey guys, I brought my cousin
Manuel to the All Nighter. Did you
know everyone's dead back there?
Buenos noches, guys, Nice to meet-
Wait. Is this a Regular Standoff?
Beat. Everyone laughs. Someone's gun goes off. Everyone
stops laughing and quickly starts shooting each other.