Hardly Working: Mexican Standoff

By

CH Writing Staff

          INT. OFFICE - LUNCH TABLE

          MURPH, DAN & SAM play poker at the table. Piles of chips
          surround them. We pan between their super-intense faces.

                              MURPH
                    Whattaya got, hombre?

          Reveal: they're playing Uno. Dan plays a "Draw 4" to Murph.

                              DAN
                    Draw Four.

          MURPH flips the table. All three jump up, draw guns at each
          other and start screaming threats. Beat of this.

                              DAN
                    Wait, wait, wait! Are we having a
                    Mexican Standoff?

                              SAM
                    I think we are! That is so badass.

                              MURPH
                    A real Mexican Standoff. Wow. This
                    has been a dream since I was six
                    years old, watching Reservoir Dog-

          Dan's gun goes off and SHOOTS MURPH DEAD.

                              SAM
                    Jesus, Dan!

                              DAN
                    I'm so sorry! It just went off!

                              SAM
                    You're sorry? You're sorry? How do
                    you think I feel? Now this is just
                    a boring normal standoff! A Mexican
                    Standoff needs at least 3 people,
                    each of whom-

                              DAN / SAM
                    -is aiming at one gunman while
                    being aimed at by another.

                              DAN
                    I know!

                              OWEN
                         (entering)
                    MURPH! NOOOO! Which one of you
                    dirty sumbitches shot my friend?

          Owen draws a pistol. Everyone aims guns at each other.

                              DAN
                    ALL RIGHT! We got that magic back,
                    baby!

                              SAM
                    Yes!

          Sam's gun goes off and KILLS DAN.

                              SAM
                    NO! AW, I didn't realize the
                    trigger meant shoot!

                              OWEN
                    Nuts. We almost had it there.

                              KEVIN
                         (runs in with gun drawn)
                    Hey, I heard there was a Mexican
                    Standoff going on?

                              OWEN
                    Nah, not anymore.

                              KEVIN
                    Oh... okay.

          He turns to go. Sam suddenly realizes they need him.

                              SAM
                    Wait, no, stay! That's perfect!

          Owen shoots Kevin in the back, KILLING KEVIN.

                              SAM
                    WHAT!?

                              OWEN
                    Oh! Sorry, I- thought we didn't
                    need him anymore.

                              SAM
                    So you just shot him?

                              OWEN
                    Are we... not shooting people now?

          A shot rings from off camera, KILLING OWEN.

                              SAM
                    Wha- who did that?

          Whip reveal PAT, JENNY & AMIR pointing guns at each other.

                              PAT
                    Sorry! My gun went off!

                              SAM
                    Wait, you guys are doing a Mexican
                    Standoff, too? Can I join?

                              JENNY
                    Well, we already have three people.

          Amir SNEEZES & fires his gun, KILLING PAT.

                              AMIR
                    Shit, sorry.

                              JENNY
                    Yeah, come on over.

                              SAM
                    Okay, but let's hurry up and do
                    this, because I feel like any
                    second one of us could-

          JENNY IS SHOT. JOSH & STREETER run in, wearing hunting gear.

                              JOSH
                    Ah, my bad, I thought you were a
                    partridge.
                         (seeing the others)
                    Oh hey, Mexican Standoff?

          Josh, Streeter, Sam & Amir aim guns at each other.

                              SAM
                    Okay, everyone ready? One, two-

          Amir sneezes again, KILLS JOSH.

                              AMIR
                    Shit, sorry.

          Sam's gun goes off, KILLS AMIR.

                              SAM
                    Shit, sorry! I keep forgetting the
                    trigger is the shooty part.

          ADAM enters.

                              ADAM
                    Hey guys, can I join?

                              SAM
                    Oh, yeah, that'd be great!

                              ADAM
                    Sure! 'Course I can't use my hands
                    because of my carpal tunnel, and
                    I'm blind in this one eye so I'd
                    estimate I'm only about 47% as
                    effective as a normal shooter, but
                    if you give me a 0.65 second head
                    start then I'm sure I can-

          Streeter shoots Adam. ADAM DIES. Sam stares at Streeter.

                              STREETER
                    Come on, I don't want to do math.

                              SAM
                    No, no, that was fair.

                              EMILY (O.S.)
                    There you are!

          Whip to reveal EMILY, standing at the door to an office. A
          big "CH STAFF GUN SAFETY MEETING" sign is posted outside.

                              EMILY
                    We were supposed to start this Gun
                    Safety meeting ten minutes ago.

          Sam & Streeter hurry over to her. Sam throws a spare gun at
          Emily, who barely catches it.

                              SAM
                    Emily, thank god! Here, aim that at
                    Streeter. Streeter, you aim at me,
                    and Emily, I swear to god, if you
                    move one inch and I will blow your
                    fucking head off. All right! Woo!
                    Mexican Standoff! Everyone ready?

          Streeter raises his hand, revealing a wound in his chest.

                              STREETER
                         (embarrassed)
                    I accidentally shot myself while
                    you were explaining.

                              SAM
                    Damn it!

          JAKE enters with MANUEL, his Mexican cousin.

                              JAKE
                    Hey guys, I brought my cousin
                    Manuel to the All Nighter. Did you
                    know everyone's dead back there?

                              MANUEL
                    Buenos noches, guys, Nice to meet-
                    Wait. Is this a Regular Standoff?

          Beat. Everyone laughs. Someone's gun goes off. Everyone
          stops laughing and quickly starts shooting each other.

          End.