From CH Staff on
It's a classic mano y mano, no matter how hard you try.
By CH Writing Staff
INT. OFFICE - LUNCH TABLE MURPH, DAN & SAM play poker at the table. Piles of chips surround them. We pan between their super-intense faces. MURPH Whattaya got, hombre? Reveal: they're playing Uno. Dan plays a "Draw 4" to Murph. DAN Draw Four. MURPH flips the table. All three jump up, draw guns at each other and start screaming threats. Beat of this. DAN Wait, wait, wait! Are we having a Mexican Standoff? SAM I think we are! That is so badass. MURPH A real Mexican Standoff. Wow. This has been a dream since I was six years old, watching Reservoir Dog- Dan's gun goes off and SHOOTS MURPH DEAD. SAM Jesus, Dan! DAN I'm so sorry! It just went off! SAM You're sorry? You're sorry? How do you think I feel? Now this is just a boring normal standoff! A Mexican Standoff needs at least 3 people, each of whom- DAN / SAM -is aiming at one gunman while being aimed at by another. DAN I know! OWEN (entering) MURPH! NOOOO! Which one of you dirty sumbitches shot my friend? Owen draws a pistol. Everyone aims guns at each other. DAN ALL RIGHT! We got that magic back, baby! SAM Yes! Sam's gun goes off and KILLS DAN. SAM NO! AW, I didn't realize the trigger meant shoot! OWEN Nuts. We almost had it there. KEVIN (runs in with gun drawn) Hey, I heard there was a Mexican Standoff going on? OWEN Nah, not anymore. KEVIN Oh... okay. He turns to go. Sam suddenly realizes they need him. SAM Wait, no, stay! That's perfect! Owen shoots Kevin in the back, KILLING KEVIN. SAM WHAT!? OWEN Oh! Sorry, I- thought we didn't need him anymore. SAM So you just shot him? OWEN Are we... not shooting people now? A shot rings from off camera, KILLING OWEN. SAM Wha- who did that? Whip reveal PAT, JENNY & AMIR pointing guns at each other. PAT Sorry! My gun went off! SAM Wait, you guys are doing a Mexican Standoff, too? Can I join? JENNY Well, we already have three people. Amir SNEEZES & fires his gun, KILLING PAT. AMIR Shit, sorry. JENNY Yeah, come on over. SAM Okay, but let's hurry up and do this, because I feel like any second one of us could- JENNY IS SHOT. JOSH & STREETER run in, wearing hunting gear. JOSH Ah, my bad, I thought you were a partridge. (seeing the others) Oh hey, Mexican Standoff? Josh, Streeter, Sam & Amir aim guns at each other. SAM Okay, everyone ready? One, two- Amir sneezes again, KILLS JOSH. AMIR Shit, sorry. Sam's gun goes off, KILLS AMIR. SAM Shit, sorry! I keep forgetting the trigger is the shooty part. ADAM enters. ADAM Hey guys, can I join? SAM Oh, yeah, that'd be great! ADAM Sure! 'Course I can't use my hands because of my carpal tunnel, and I'm blind in this one eye so I'd estimate I'm only about 47% as effective as a normal shooter, but if you give me a 0.65 second head start then I'm sure I can- Streeter shoots Adam. ADAM DIES. Sam stares at Streeter. STREETER Come on, I don't want to do math. SAM No, no, that was fair. EMILY (O.S.) There you are! Whip to reveal EMILY, standing at the door to an office. A big "CH STAFF GUN SAFETY MEETING" sign is posted outside. EMILY We were supposed to start this Gun Safety meeting ten minutes ago. Sam & Streeter hurry over to her. Sam throws a spare gun at Emily, who barely catches it. SAM Emily, thank god! Here, aim that at Streeter. Streeter, you aim at me, and Emily, I swear to god, if you move one inch and I will blow your fucking head off. All right! Woo! Mexican Standoff! Everyone ready? Streeter raises his hand, revealing a wound in his chest. STREETER (embarrassed) I accidentally shot myself while you were explaining. SAM Damn it! JAKE enters with MANUEL, his Mexican cousin. JAKE Hey guys, I brought my cousin Manuel to the All Nighter. Did you know everyone's dead back there? MANUEL Buenos noches, guys, Nice to meet- Wait. Is this a Regular Standoff? Beat. Everyone laughs. Someone's gun goes off. Everyone stops laughing and quickly starts shooting each other. End.