Murph honors his favorite cartoon and offends Mother Nature.
By CH Writing Staff
INT. OFFICE MARINA and VINNIE chat at their desks. MURPH approaches carrying an animal crate. MURPH Got an all-nighter surprise for everyone! MARINA Is it a cat!? MURPH Even better. You guys remember that show CatDog? MARINA Yeah... MURPH Well I've got one. VINNIE What? Murph plops a half-cat/half-dog monstrosity on Owen's desk. Huge, disgusted reaction from Owen and Emily. VINNIE Oh no. MARINA What is that? MURPH It's a CatDog. You guys have seen CatDog, right? VINNIE How? Murph picks up CatDog. MURPH One dog. One cat. One Nazi veterinarian. Emily covers her nose. MARINA It smells like...fucked trash. Owen nods. Murph flips CatDog to the dog side. MURPH I'm gonna go ahead and blame that on Dog. He's pretty messy. He flips it to the cat side. MURPH (CONT'D) Or it could be a classic Cat scheme. You know, for all their differences, Cat and Dog really aren't so different. Kinda makes you think, huh? Beat. MARINA You know it's dead, right? MURPH Are you guys sure you've seen CatDog? VINNIE We have. That was a cartoon. This one is real. And dead. MURPH Oh yeah? Could a dead CatDog do this? Murph makes CatDog dance while singing the theme song. MURPH One fine day with a woof and a purr / a baby was born and it caused a little stir / no blue buzzard, no three-eyed- Whoops! CatDog rips and rotted meat falls out. Owen jumps. VINNIE No! NO! NO! MURPH One sec. He's fine. Murph shoves the meat back in and continues. MURPH CatDog / CatDog / alone in the world with a little CatDog CatDog rips entirely in half. Emily throws up. Murph desperately tries to put it back together. Deep down, he knows it's dead. MURPH (CONT'D) Out on the road or back in town / all kinda critters puttin' CatDog down VINNIE Murph! Owen tries to hold him back, but he won't stop. MURPH (CONT'D) (crying) Gotta rise above it / gotta try to get along / gotta walk together / gotta sing this song MARINA MURPH! Emily helps and they get control of his arms. MURPH (CONT'D) (wailing) CatDog / CatDog / alone in the world with a little CatDAWWWWW- Murph buries his face in the disgusting CatDog mess and sobs. Beat. Emily nudges Owen. VINNIE I'm not comforting him. He murdered these animals. MURPH I never should have trusted a veterinarian! VINNIE Nazi veterinarian. You never should have trusted a Nazi. Murph smears his face in the CatDog remains. The others cringe. MURPH And I shouldn't have had my other cats and dogs put to sleep just because I was excited about my CatDog! I had so many! MARINA Jesus Christ. MURPH But I guess it was better to have had a CatDog and lost than never to have had a CatDog at all. That's what Shakesbeard said. He stops crying and grabs Owen's hand, smearing CatDog guts all over it. MURPH Thanks guys, I feel a lot better. He pinches Emily on the cheek. So many CatDog guts. MURPH Peace out, girl scouts. Murph walks off. Owen looks at the huge mess on his desk. VINNIE Aw, come on man. Beat. VINNIE (whiny) I'm not a girl scout. Beat. VINNIE Anymore. END