Hardly Working: CatDog

By

CH Writing Staff

          INT. OFFICE

          MARINA and VINNIE chat at their desks. MURPH approaches
          carrying an animal crate.

                              MURPH
                    Got an all-nighter surprise for
                    everyone!

                              MARINA
                    Is it a cat!?

                              MURPH
                    Even better. You guys remember that
                    show CatDog?

                              MARINA
                    Yeah...

                              MURPH
                    Well I've got one.

                              VINNIE
                    What?

          Murph plops a half-cat/half-dog monstrosity on Owen's desk.
          Huge, disgusted reaction from Owen and Emily.

          

                              VINNIE
                    Oh no.

                              MARINA
                    What is that?

                              MURPH
                    It's a CatDog. You guys have seen
                    CatDog, right?

                              VINNIE
                    How?

          Murph picks up CatDog.

                              MURPH
                    One dog. One cat. One Nazi
                    veterinarian. 

          Emily covers her nose.

                              MARINA
                    It smells like...fucked trash.

          Owen nods. Murph flips CatDog to the dog side.

                              MURPH
                    I'm gonna go ahead and blame that
                    on Dog. He's pretty messy.

          He flips it to the cat side.

                              MURPH (CONT'D)
                    Or it could be a classic Cat
                    scheme. You know, for all their
                    differences, Cat and Dog really
                    aren't so different. Kinda makes
                    you think, huh?

          Beat.

                              MARINA
                    You know it's dead, right?

                              MURPH
                    Are you guys sure you've seen
                    CatDog?

                              VINNIE
                    We have. That was a cartoon. This
                    one is real. And dead.

                              MURPH
                    Oh yeah? Could a dead CatDog do
                    this?

          Murph makes CatDog dance while singing the theme song.

                              MURPH
                    One fine day with a woof and a purr
                    / a baby was born and it caused a
                    little stir / no blue buzzard, no
                    three-eyed- Whoops!

          CatDog rips and rotted meat falls out. Owen jumps.

                              VINNIE
                    No! NO! NO!

                              MURPH
                    One sec. He's fine.

          Murph shoves the meat back in and continues.

                              MURPH
                    CatDog / CatDog / alone in the
                    world with a little CatDog

          CatDog rips entirely in half. Emily throws up. Murph
          desperately tries to put it back together. Deep down, he
          knows it's dead.

                              MURPH (CONT'D)
                    Out on the road or back in town /
                    all kinda critters puttin' CatDog
                    down

                              VINNIE
                    Murph!

          Owen tries to hold him back, but he won't stop.

                              MURPH (CONT'D)
                         (crying)
                    Gotta rise above it / gotta try to
                    get along / gotta walk together /
                    gotta sing this song

                              MARINA
                    MURPH!

          Emily helps and they get control of his arms.

                              MURPH (CONT'D)
                         (wailing)
                    CatDog / CatDog / alone in the
                    world with a little CatDAWWWWW-

          Murph buries his face in the disgusting CatDog mess and
          sobs. Beat. Emily nudges Owen.

                              VINNIE
                    I'm not comforting him. He murdered
                    these animals.

                              MURPH
                    I never should have trusted a
                    veterinarian!

                              VINNIE
                    Nazi veterinarian. You never should
                    have trusted a Nazi.

          Murph smears his face in the CatDog remains. The others
          cringe.

                              MURPH
                    And I shouldn't have had my other
                    cats and dogs put to sleep just
                    because I was excited about my
                    CatDog! I had so many!

                              MARINA
                    Jesus Christ.

                              MURPH
                    But I guess it was better to have
                    had a CatDog and lost than never to
                    have had a CatDog at all. That's
                    what Shakesbeard said.

          He stops crying and grabs Owen's hand, smearing CatDog guts
          all over it.

                              MURPH
                    Thanks guys, I feel a lot better.

          He pinches Emily on the cheek. So many CatDog guts.

                              MURPH
                    Peace out, girl scouts.

          Murph walks off. Owen looks at the huge mess on his desk.

                              VINNIE
                    Aw, come on man.

          Beat.

                              VINNIE
                         (whiny)
                    I'm not a girl scout.

          Beat.

                              VINNIE
                    Anymore.

                                                              END