The Internet's only safe-haven for girls comes under attack. From the rest of the Internet.
By Emily Axford & Streeter Seidell
EXT. A WALLED FORTRESS - ESTABLISHING SHOT
The Fortress of Pinterest, a large pinkish/red fortress.
INT. PINTEREST FORTRESS
The women of Pinterest, KATHLEEN, CATHERINE, and KATIE are
gathered with great urgency . The sound of armies of
intruders chanting at their gate can be heard.
Women of Pinterest. The men of the
internet threaten our fortress.
Which legion? The trolls? The
memers? The Facebook bros?
(looking out a window,
...All of them. United. They
gather on the plain.
As she speaks, we see the massive army gathered outside in a
wide empty field that surround the walled fortress. The
TROLLS carry signs like "fag" and "u suck." The MEMERS are
riding Nyan cats with an oversized "POPSICLE KID" being held
by chains. The FACEBOOK BROS are humans, tangled up each with
one arm around another's shoulder and a beer in the other one,
playing beer pong, etc.
They seek to invade us, the way
they did YouTube, Tumblr, and so
We must protect our homepage! Only
here can one post pictures of
wedding gowns and green smoothies
IT IS SO!
YO! I am but an envoy!
The women look out the window at a Messenger, SCUMBAG STEVE,
on a Nyan cat, standing at the Gate.
What is it you seek?
Yo, we seek entry to your
And why is that? So you have yet
another home for your negativity
Nah nah. Yo, we desire no such
thing. We merely seek to lurk!
The women look to Kathleen.
Open the gates.
EXT. WALLED FORTRESS
ALPHA TROLL, a Troll riding a Nyan cat, speaks to a crowd of
TROLLS, MEMERS, and BROS all holding banners with memes,
comments and GIFs on them.
There may come a day when the lulz
of men fail, and women can post
pictures of themselves online
without someone asking to see their
tits, BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY, MY
The Messenger rides out through the gate. He is on the Nyan
cat. He's now wearing a wedding dress and his hair has been
fashionably braided. He slumps over and falls off, dead.
Everyone is aghast. A bro hunches down to examine the body.
They gave him a fishtail braid.
A moment of hushed horror. A battle cry is heard. REVEAL a
memer holding a vuvuzela. He holds the note, then takes his
lips away, amused.
Remember these things?
Other people mutter "lol" and "down vote"
The battle begins. A bunch of trolls unleash flaming CURSOR
ARROWS at the fortress. The Bros catapult giant ping pong
balls. A horde of LOL Rage Faces charge the wall, as some
are cut down by arrows the rest change to FUUUUUU Rage
Faces. One FUUUU rage face stops charging, feels his chest
and sees blood. He looks down to reveal an arrow sticking
out of his chest. His face changes to an OMG/Terror Rage
Face, as he collapses.
INT. PINTEREST FORTRESS
Flaming arrows hit the walls. The women panic.
(to the Women of Pinterest)
They're flaming our walls! Quick,
Legion of Etsy, CRAFT!
A bunch of girls on the castle's rampart push a giant
glue gun over the edge so hot glue spills all over the
invading army. The army retaliates by holding up thumbs
downs and shouting "fag" and "nice tits" (from the Bros).
A group of Men push a GIANT BACON-BATTERING RAM to the gate.
BOOM. The bacon ram SLAMS against the gate.
Kathleen and the women of Pinterest lean out the window.
A Row of women step to the rampart and rain Kale down on the
men operating the ram. The men scream in horror as the
vegetables hit them.
IT'S A SUPERFOOD! RETREAT!
Catherine is distracted by something in the distance.
The Bronies ride from West!
On the horizon, BRONIES, an elite group of cavalry, riding
My Little Ponies, rides in, shaking the earth with their
Sisters of Modcloth! the Ninja
A bunch of Ninja Cats are crawling the wall. The Modcloth
women in the ramparts use sewing thread to distract them.
They stop climbing the wall and attack the string, falling
to their death.
The gate of the fortress opens to reveal WHITE KNIGHTS.
(looking up, snarled)
He charges after the White Knights. Chaos ensues. Memes are
fighting, STAR WARS CHARACTERS use their light sabers,
topless leaked celeb shots blurred out scale the walls, GIFS
repeatedly hit the same place in a wall, compromising its
structural integrity. A COLLEGE FRESHMAN meme gets killed.
It makes a Wilhelm Scream. My Little Ponies buck and Bronies
ETSY GIRL 1 leaves the gates and enters the battlefield.
ESTY GIRL 2
(calling from the ramparts,
Where are you going?
Etsy Girl 1 turns around and holds a finger to her lips, as
if to say "Shhh." She looks serene, about to commit an act
of self-sacrifice. She poses, then holds up a camera to take
a picture of herself. The Bro sees and is about to jump in
to photobomb it.
Don't do it! It's a photobomb!
It’s too late. He already has.
(in photobomb position)
The camera flash goes off, creating a huge explosion. CU on
Etsy Girl 1's serene face while everything explodes in slow
motion around her, her hair flying angelically. She is dying
for what she believes in. Ethereal war music plays. The
music continues as we see Memes slow motion reacting to the
explosion, covering their faces, etc. Smoke fills the air
then dissipates to REVEAL:
A blue sky. It is the next day. The wall is nearly
destroyed. Pictures of homemade earrings and converse
sneakers have been turned into hazcheeseburger memes. "fag",
"gay", and "derp" are graffitied on the wall. Homemade
Aprons are torn and hanging. Corpses lie at the wall.
Nevertheless, it stands. A FOREVER ALONE staggers, holding
his severed arm and collapses.
INT. INSIDE THE CASTLE WALLS
The Women of Pinterest, Kathleen, Catherine, and Katie
survey the damage with wounded but hopeful spirits.
Our walls have held. Pinterest
lives to see the morning.
Their armies have retreated,
Katie is pointing at something large just outside the gate.
The women stand in front of a giant wedding cake.
They offer truce!
Bring this symbol of our victory to
the homepage at once!
Women began pushing the giant cake towards the gate.
I had one just as this at my own
As she says this, we slowly zoom in on the Giant Wooden
Wedding cake to reveal a legion of TROLL FACE GUYS hidden