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By Adam Conover & Kevin Corrigan
INT. SLICK WEB SITE PRODUCT SHOTS - NIGHT Sleek, high-tech web site graphics slide across the screen. NARRATOR For centuries, the New York Times has produced the world's finest journalism. But now we've joined the twenty-first century. Subscribe today, and for six dollars a week not only will you get up to the minute news, video, and multimedia on our website, but we'll also deliver a pile of old newspapers to your door every morning. INT./EXT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS - DAY/NIGHT From here on the sketch progresses with each person addressing camera in a close up, followed by them acting out what they described. CARL is a fresh-faced homeowner. CARL There's nothing like having a real newspaper delivered in the morning. Reveal that his floor is covered with newspapers. CARL Nothing protects the floor better when I'm painting. KAREN is an elementary school teacher. KAREN The Arts Section helps inspire my students to create. She rips the section into strips and dips it in papier mache. MARK is a high-end chef in a tall chef's hat. MARK The Dining and Wine section helped me put my restaurant on the map. He puts the newspaper in a basket and dumps a fry-basket full of greasy fish and chips onto it. ADAM is a go-getter business man. ADAM I make sure to get the business section every day. He exits the subway and raises the newspaper over his head like an umbrella. It's raining. ADAM You never know when it's going to rain! Adam walks away and focus shifts to KEVIN, a homeless man lying on a bench behind him. KEVIN The Real Estate section makes a great blanket. He snuggles up under the section. MELISSA, a hiker, walks through a forest. MELISSA If you love the great outdoors, you gotta have the travel section. She sprays lighter fluid on a fire pit full of newspapers and tosses a match in. They ignite in a fiery blaze. MIKE is a writer-type. MIKE And I like the Book Review. I find it helps me with my own writing. Reveal that Mike is composing a ransom note by cutting letters out of the paper. "If you ever want to see your son again please bring $10,00" Mike is adding zeros. Behind him is a teenager bound in duct tape. BETSY, a little girl, stuffs shredded newspaper into the bottom of a rabbit cage. BETSY (adorably shy) Mom says this is garbage so it's okay for Bosco to go to the bathroom on. HARRY, a crazy, wild-haired conspiracy guy stands in a room covered in newspapers, the walls, windows, everything. He frantically scribbles on one. They're covered in weird scrawls. HARRY YOU NEED IT TO CRACK THE CODE! CHEMTRAILS ARE- Cut to: CHARLES, an ordinary guy in his 30s, does the crossword puzzle. CHARLES I like the crossword puzzle. He looks at the pile of leftover newspaper next to him. CHARLES And recycling. He shoves the pile into a recycle bin. TITLE CARD: NYT.COM NARRATOR The New York Times. Here, you throw it away.