Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal Gun Fight

By

Ben Joseph

          EXT. BACKYARD

          Three bored teens, MIKE, SUZE, and NEIL, sit at a picnic
          table. Neil reads the newspaper.

                              NEIL
                         (bored)
                    Hey guys, looks like they're releasing
                    a new iPhone. Again.

                              MIKE
                    Man, science is bullshit.

                              SUZE
                    When are they going to invent the
                    stuff we really care about?

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    How about... Right now??

          A LIGHTSABER, a HOVER BOARD, and a PORTAL GUN appear on the
          table next to a box labeled:

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    It's Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal
                    Gun Fight! All the fictional
                    inventions you crave, all in one
                    awesome game!

                              NEIL/MIKE/SUZE
                    WHOA!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    HLPGF comes with Hoverboard! Ride
                    this small square of plastic over
                    twenty feet in the air!

          Mike tries to balance on his hoverboard.

                              MIKE
                    Try to catch me now, Biff-

          Mike falls off of it and lands with a sickening CRACK.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Lightsaber! A four foot laser sword
                    that can cut through literally
                    anything!

          Suze swings a lightsaber out on the driveway.

                              SUZE
                    Look at me! I'm Obi Wan-

          Suze accidentally cuts off her own arm.

                              SUZE
                    AH! FUCK! FUCK! SHIT!

          She spins around, cutting the CAR behind her in half.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    And Portal Gun! Defy the laws of
                    physics! Tell inertia to SUCK YOUR
                    DICK!

          Two PORTALS are on the ground. Neil falls SCREAMING into one
          and rockets out of other into the far distance.

          INT. WHITE LAB

          A scientist walks toward camera.

                              SCIENTIST
                    Hi, I do science. I could have
                    created sustainable energy, or a
                    cure for cancer, but instead I
                    invented Hoverboard Lightsaber
                    Portal Gun Fight. Happy?

          EXT. BACKYARD

          Neil hangs by his fingers from a hoverboard.

                              NEIL
                    I sure am!

          CUT TO:

          The kids, all injured, stand shakily on hoverboards holding
          lightsabers and portal guns. The ground's covered with
          WICKETS, TRAFFIC CONES, and a ROTATING DISCO BALL.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    The rules are simple! Whoever has
                    the most points, wins!

          Mike holds up a card with a "-8" symbol on it.

                              MIKE
                    I win! I think?

           A GOOFY DAD watches from the porch.

                              GOOFY DAD
                    You kids aren't causing any trouble
                    now, are you?

                              SUZE
                    Dad! It's just a Hoverboard
                    Lightsaber Portal Gun Fi-

          Suze accidentally cuts off her OTHER ARM.

                              SUZE
                    OH JESUS FUCK ME!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Batteries not included and only
                    last fifteen minutes.

          Neil's toys POWER DOWN in mid-air, dropping him O.S.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    If you liked Jetpack Invisibility 
                    Cloak Dad Poison, you'll love
                    Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal.

          GRAPHICS: A BOX showing a kid in a SHINY CLOAK wearing a
          JETPACK and pouring a GREEN LIQUID into coffee.

          INT. LIVING ROOM

          Mike, very injured, signs an ENORMOUS stack of papers.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    So just sign all 327 waivers and
                    your living will...

          There's a PORTAL NOISE O.S. and a screaming SUZE flies into
          frame and knocks him over.

          EXT. BACKYARD

          The three teens, now all horribly injured, sit around the
          picnic table.

                              SUZE/NEIL
                    ...and start your Hoverboard
                    Lightsaber Portal Gun Fight today!

          Mike, entirely paralyzed, types out a message:

                              MIKE
                         (robot voice)
                    I have. No. Regrets.

          END.