It's Star Wars meets Xbox 360 meets Back to the Future meets your worst nightmare.
By Ben Joseph
Three bored teens, MIKE, SUZE, and NEIL, sit at a picnic
table. Neil reads the newspaper.
Hey guys, looks like they're releasing
a new iPhone. Again.
Man, science is bullshit.
When are they going to invent the
stuff we really care about?
How about... Right now??
A LIGHTSABER, a HOVER BOARD, and a PORTAL GUN appear on the
table next to a box labeled:
It's Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal
Gun Fight! All the fictional
inventions you crave, all in one
HLPGF comes with Hoverboard! Ride
this small square of plastic over
twenty feet in the air!
Mike tries to balance on his hoverboard.
Try to catch me now, Biff-
Mike falls off of it and lands with a sickening CRACK.
Lightsaber! A four foot laser sword
that can cut through literally
Suze swings a lightsaber out on the driveway.
Look at me! I'm Obi Wan-
Suze accidentally cuts off her own arm.
AH! FUCK! FUCK! SHIT!
She spins around, cutting the CAR behind her in half.
And Portal Gun! Defy the laws of
physics! Tell inertia to SUCK YOUR
Two PORTALS are on the ground. Neil falls SCREAMING into one
and rockets out of other into the far distance.
INT. WHITE LAB
A scientist walks toward camera.
Hi, I do science. I could have
created sustainable energy, or a
cure for cancer, but instead I
invented Hoverboard Lightsaber
Portal Gun Fight. Happy?
Neil hangs by his fingers from a hoverboard.
I sure am!
The kids, all injured, stand shakily on hoverboards holding
lightsabers and portal guns. The ground's covered with
WICKETS, TRAFFIC CONES, and a ROTATING DISCO BALL.
The rules are simple! Whoever has
the most points, wins!
Mike holds up a card with a "-8" symbol on it.
I win! I think?
A GOOFY DAD watches from the porch.
You kids aren't causing any trouble
now, are you?
Dad! It's just a Hoverboard
Lightsaber Portal Gun Fi-
Suze accidentally cuts off her OTHER ARM.
OH JESUS FUCK ME!
Batteries not included and only
last fifteen minutes.
Neil's toys POWER DOWN in mid-air, dropping him O.S.
If you liked Jetpack Invisibility
Cloak Dad Poison, you'll love
Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal.
GRAPHICS: A BOX showing a kid in a SHINY CLOAK wearing a
JETPACK and pouring a GREEN LIQUID into coffee.
INT. LIVING ROOM
Mike, very injured, signs an ENORMOUS stack of papers.
So just sign all 327 waivers and
your living will...
There's a PORTAL NOISE O.S. and a screaming SUZE flies into
frame and knocks him over.
The three teens, now all horribly injured, sit around the
...and start your Hoverboard
Lightsaber Portal Gun Fight today!
Mike, entirely paralyzed, types out a message:
I have. No. Regrets.