From CH Staff on
It's Star Wars meets Xbox 360 meets Back to the Future meets your worst nightmare.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Shorts
By Ben Joseph
EXT. BACKYARD Three bored teens, MIKE, SUZE, and NEIL, sit at a picnic table. Neil reads the newspaper. NEIL (bored) Hey guys, looks like they're releasing a new iPhone. Again. MIKE Man, science is bullshit. SUZE When are they going to invent the stuff we really care about? NARRATOR (V.O.) How about... Right now?? A LIGHTSABER, a HOVER BOARD, and a PORTAL GUN appear on the table next to a box labeled: NARRATOR (V.O.) It's Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal Gun Fight! All the fictional inventions you crave, all in one awesome game! NEIL/MIKE/SUZE WHOA! NARRATOR (V.O.) HLPGF comes with Hoverboard! Ride this small square of plastic over twenty feet in the air! Mike tries to balance on his hoverboard. MIKE Try to catch me now, Biff- Mike falls off of it and lands with a sickening CRACK. NARRATOR (V.O.) Lightsaber! A four foot laser sword that can cut through literally anything! Suze swings a lightsaber out on the driveway. SUZE Look at me! I'm Obi Wan- Suze accidentally cuts off her own arm. SUZE AH! FUCK! FUCK! SHIT! She spins around, cutting the CAR behind her in half. NARRATOR (V.O.) And Portal Gun! Defy the laws of physics! Tell inertia to SUCK YOUR DICK! Two PORTALS are on the ground. Neil falls SCREAMING into one and rockets out of other into the far distance. INT. WHITE LAB A scientist walks toward camera. SCIENTIST Hi, I do science. I could have created sustainable energy, or a cure for cancer, but instead I invented Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal Gun Fight. Happy? EXT. BACKYARD Neil hangs by his fingers from a hoverboard. NEIL I sure am! CUT TO: The kids, all injured, stand shakily on hoverboards holding lightsabers and portal guns. The ground's covered with WICKETS, TRAFFIC CONES, and a ROTATING DISCO BALL. NARRATOR (V.O.) The rules are simple! Whoever has the most points, wins! Mike holds up a card with a "-8" symbol on it. MIKE I win! I think? A GOOFY DAD watches from the porch. GOOFY DAD You kids aren't causing any trouble now, are you? SUZE Dad! It's just a Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal Gun Fi- Suze accidentally cuts off her OTHER ARM. SUZE OH JESUS FUCK ME! NARRATOR (V.O.) Batteries not included and only last fifteen minutes. Neil's toys POWER DOWN in mid-air, dropping him O.S. NARRATOR (V.O.) If you liked Jetpack Invisibility Cloak Dad Poison, you'll love Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal. GRAPHICS: A BOX showing a kid in a SHINY CLOAK wearing a JETPACK and pouring a GREEN LIQUID into coffee. INT. LIVING ROOM Mike, very injured, signs an ENORMOUS stack of papers. NARRATOR (V.O.) So just sign all 327 waivers and your living will... There's a PORTAL NOISE O.S. and a screaming SUZE flies into frame and knocks him over. EXT. BACKYARD The three teens, now all horribly injured, sit around the picnic table. SUZE/NEIL ...and start your Hoverboard Lightsaber Portal Gun Fight today! Mike, entirely paralyzed, types out a message: MIKE (robot voice) I have. No. Regrets. END.