From CH Staff on
Pat meets the star of "Rushmore," "Ghostbusters," and his worst nightmare.
By Owen Parsons
INT. CH OFFICE MURPH, KEVIN & EMILY work super-intensely at their computers, wearing green eyeshades and typing away furiously like 50's accountants. Pat enters. His back is to us. EMILY Pat, where have you been? It's 10AM, work started seven hours ago. PAT Sorry I'm late, guys, I... ran into Bill Murray. EMILY/MURPH/KEVIN (standing) WHAT? / Amazing! / What happened? Pat turns, revealing black eye, split lip, bruises. PAT He beat the shit out of me. EMILY Oh my god! Tell us about it! PAT I was crossing the street by my apartment, and he just came out of nowhere and hit me. And he kept hitting me. Over and over. I screamed for help but no one came. KEVIN Did he say anything? PAT When I was bleeding on the ground, he leaned down and whispered "No one will ever believe you." ALL BUT PAT Wowwwwwww... PAT Then he spit in my ear. And left. MURPH CLASSIC Murray. I'm so jealous. EMILY Right? He shows up out of nowhere and everyone's all like "Bill Murray!" and then he's gone. Like he's this mysterious comedy god. I can't believe you got to meet him! PAT Were you listening? He kicked my ass! I mean he literally kicked me in the ass likes seventy times. My ass is shattered. KEVIN You must have been so surprised. PAT I was when he snuck up behind me and smashed my head into a mailbox. EMILY Mmm, doesn't Bill always sneak up on you, though? Remember Lost in Translation? MURPH Oh my god, yes, who saw that role coming? Just "wow," am I right? KEVIN I love Life Aquatic. EMILY Me too! Let's watch the trailer! They gather around the laptop. Pat slams it closed. PAT Doesn't anyone care that something horrendous just happened to me? EMILY Really? What? PAT Bill Murray broke my leg in six places! Reveal: Pat’s left leg is in a cast. PAT I still don't know where my kneecap is! KEVIN Whoa! He signed your cast? PAT No, I- (seeing) oh god. Oh god. He must have followed me to the hospital. He turns his leg to show the signature. It says "SEE YOU TOMORROW -BILL" in creepy red lettering. Everyone gasps. EMILY Jesus, is that a Groundhog's Day reference? MURPH How fucking off the chain is that? PAT He's coming back. He's going to kill me. MURPH Yeah, he slays me, too. Remember Osmosis Jones? The chimp egg bit? PAT Goddamnit, not everything Bill Murray does is a comedy! EMILY Broken Flowers was more of a dramedy. PAT No! This is not funny in any way! KEVIN Like Garfield? PAT (grabbing Kevin) He pinned me down, wrapped his belt around my neck, and pressed his thumbs into my eyes for two hours! KEVIN (knowing) Like Garfield. PAT (snapping) No! Bill Murray assaulted me. He's stalking me. And he's probably going to kill me. I'm going to die, and there's nothing funny about it! Kevin, Murph & Emily stare, struggling with the concept. EMILY/MURPH/KEVIN (speaking out of unison) Bill... Murray... NOT... funny? PAT YES! Beat. Their eyes widen. MURPH Oh my god! PAT Finally! MURPH (pointing) Bill Murray! Pat turns around just as BILL MURRAY (back to camera)is swings a bat at his head. It connects, Pat goes down off camera. EMILY Mr. Murray. Huge fan. Bill swings the bat down. We hear Pat cry out. MURPH I watch my City of Ember DVD every night. Bill swings the bat down. Pat does not cry out. KEVIN What's it like working with Wes Anderson? Bill swings the bat down again. EMILY (pointing to Pat's body) Can I be next? END.