Pat meets the star of "Rushmore," "Ghostbusters," and his worst nightmare.
By Owen Parsons
INT. CH OFFICE
MURPH, KEVIN & EMILY work super-intensely at their
computers, wearing green eyeshades and typing away furiously
like 50's accountants. Pat enters. His back is to us.
Pat, where have you been? It's
10AM, work started seven hours ago.
Sorry I'm late, guys, I... ran into
WHAT? / Amazing! / What happened?
Pat turns, revealing black eye, split lip, bruises.
He beat the shit out of me.
Oh my god! Tell us about it!
I was crossing the street by my
apartment, and he just came out of
nowhere and hit me. And he kept
hitting me. Over and over. I
screamed for help but no one came.
Did he say anything?
When I was bleeding on the ground,
he leaned down and whispered "No
one will ever believe you."
ALL BUT PAT
Then he spit in my ear. And left.
CLASSIC Murray. I'm so jealous.
Right? He shows up out of nowhere
and everyone's all like "Bill
Murray!" and then he's gone. Like
he's this mysterious comedy god. I
can't believe you got to meet him!
Were you listening? He kicked my
ass! I mean he literally kicked me
in the ass likes seventy times. My
ass is shattered.
You must have been so surprised.
I was when he snuck up behind me
and smashed my head into a mailbox.
Mmm, doesn't Bill always sneak up
on you, though? Remember Lost in
Oh my god, yes, who saw that role
coming? Just "wow," am I right?
I love Life Aquatic.
Me too! Let's watch the trailer!
They gather around the laptop. Pat slams it closed.
Doesn't anyone care that something
horrendous just happened to me?
Bill Murray broke my leg in six
Reveal: Pat’s left leg is in a cast.
I still don't know where my kneecap
Whoa! He signed your cast?
oh god. Oh god. He must have
followed me to the hospital.
He turns his leg to show the signature. It says "SEE YOU
TOMORROW -BILL" in creepy red lettering. Everyone gasps.
Jesus, is that a Groundhog's Day
How fucking off the chain is that?
He's coming back. He's going to
Yeah, he slays me, too. Remember
Osmosis Jones? The chimp egg bit?
Goddamnit, not everything Bill
Murray does is a comedy!
Broken Flowers was more of a
No! This is not funny in any way!
He pinned me down, wrapped his belt
around my neck, and pressed his
thumbs into my eyes for two hours!
No! Bill Murray assaulted me.
He's stalking me. And he's
probably going to kill me. I'm
going to die, and there's nothing
funny about it!
Kevin, Murph & Emily stare, struggling with the concept.
(speaking out of unison)
Bill... Murray... NOT... funny?
Beat. Their eyes widen.
Oh my god!
Pat turns around just as BILL MURRAY (back to camera)is
swings a bat at his head. It connects, Pat goes down off
Mr. Murray. Huge fan.
Bill swings the bat down. We hear Pat cry out.
I watch my City of Ember DVD every
Bill swings the bat down. Pat does not cry out.
What's it like working with Wes
Bill swings the bat down again.
(pointing to Pat's body)
Can I be next?