Hardly Working: Bill Murray

By

Owen Parsons

          INT. CH OFFICE

          MURPH, KEVIN & EMILY work super-intensely at their
          computers, wearing green eyeshades and typing away furiously
          like 50's accountants. Pat enters. His back is to us.

                              EMILY
                    Pat, where have you been?  It's
                    10AM, work started seven hours ago.

                              PAT
                    Sorry I'm late, guys, I... ran into
                    Bill Murray.

                              EMILY/MURPH/KEVIN
                         (standing)
                    WHAT? / Amazing! / What happened?

          Pat turns, revealing black eye, split lip, bruises.

                              PAT
                    He beat the shit out of me.

                              EMILY
                    Oh my god!  Tell us about it!

                              PAT
                    I was crossing the street by my
                    apartment, and he just came out of
                    nowhere and hit me.  And he kept
                    hitting me.  Over and over.  I
                    screamed for help but no one came.

                              KEVIN
                    Did he say anything?

                              PAT
                    When I was bleeding on the ground,
                    he leaned down and whispered "No
                    one will ever believe you."

                              ALL BUT PAT
                    Wowwwwwww...

                              PAT
                    Then he spit in my ear.  And left.

                              MURPH
                    CLASSIC Murray.  I'm so jealous.

                              EMILY
                    Right?  He shows up out of nowhere
                    and everyone's all like "Bill
                    Murray!" and then he's gone.  Like
                    he's this mysterious comedy god.  I
                    can't believe you got to meet him!

                              PAT
                    Were you listening?  He kicked my
                    ass!  I mean he literally kicked me
                    in the ass likes seventy times.  My
                    ass is shattered.

                              KEVIN
                    You must have been so surprised.

                              PAT
                    I was when he snuck up behind me
                    and smashed my head into a mailbox.

                              EMILY
                    Mmm, doesn't Bill always sneak up
                    on you, though?  Remember Lost in
                    Translation?

                              MURPH
                    Oh my god, yes, who saw that role
                    coming?  Just "wow," am I right?

                              KEVIN
                    I love Life Aquatic.

                              EMILY
                    Me too!  Let's watch the trailer!

          They gather around the laptop. Pat slams it closed.

                              PAT
                    Doesn't anyone care that something
                    horrendous just happened to me?

                              EMILY
                    Really?  What?

                              PAT
                    Bill Murray broke my leg in six
                    places!

          Reveal: Pat’s left leg is in a cast.

                              PAT
                    I still don't know where my kneecap
                    is!

                              KEVIN
                    Whoa!  He signed your cast?

                              PAT
                    No, I-
                         (seeing)
                    oh god.  Oh god.  He must have
                    followed me to the hospital.

          He turns his leg to show the signature. It says "SEE YOU
          TOMORROW -BILL" in creepy red lettering. Everyone gasps.

                              EMILY
                    Jesus, is that a Groundhog's Day
                    reference?

                              MURPH
                    How fucking off the chain is that?

                              PAT
                    He's coming back.  He's going to
                    kill me.

                              MURPH
                    Yeah, he slays me, too.  Remember
                    Osmosis Jones?  The chimp egg bit?

                              PAT
                    Goddamnit, not everything Bill
                    Murray does is a comedy!

                              EMILY
                    Broken Flowers was more of a
                    dramedy.

                              PAT
                    No!  This is not funny in any way!

                              KEVIN
                    Like Garfield?

                              PAT
                         (grabbing Kevin)
                    He pinned me down, wrapped his belt
                    around my neck, and pressed his
                    thumbs into my eyes for two hours!

                              KEVIN
                         (knowing)
                    Like Garfield.

                              PAT
                         (snapping)
                    No!  Bill Murray assaulted me. 
                    He's stalking me.  And he's
                    probably going to kill me.  I'm
                    going to die, and there's nothing
                    funny about it!

          Kevin, Murph & Emily stare, struggling with the concept.

                              EMILY/MURPH/KEVIN
                         (speaking out of unison)
                    Bill... Murray... NOT... funny?

                              PAT
                    YES!

          Beat. Their eyes widen.

                              MURPH
                    Oh my god!

                              PAT
                    Finally!

                              MURPH
                         (pointing)
                    Bill Murray!

          Pat turns around just as BILL MURRAY (back to camera)is
          swings a bat at his head. It connects, Pat goes down off
          camera.

                              EMILY
                    Mr. Murray.  Huge fan.

          Bill swings the bat down. We hear Pat cry out.

                              MURPH
                    I watch my City of Ember DVD every
                    night.

          Bill swings the bat down. Pat does not cry out.

                              KEVIN
                    What's it like working with Wes
                    Anderson?

          Bill swings the bat down again.

                              EMILY
                         (pointing to Pat's body)
                    Can I be next?

          END.