Hopefully King George has his spam filter on. Starring Mark Deklin, Jim O'Heir, and Thomas Ian Nicholas.
By Emily Axford
INT. AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY ERA OFFICE THOMAS JEFFERSON, JOHN ADAMS, SAMUEL ADAMS, BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, BENJAMIN HARRISON, WILLIAM WHIPPLE, EDWARD RUTLEDGE, SAMUEL CHASE, FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE, and JOHN HANCOCK are huddled over a browned and frayed document. Everyone is holding quills. As they start signing the document, Thomas Jefferson speaks. THOMAS JEFFERSON (stepping back to allow the others to go in front of him) This is truly a fantastic day, gentlemen. No longer will we suffer King George's tyranny. All we need to do is sign it, then our declaration is official! JOHN ADAMS (to John Hancock, who is signing in front of him) Hurry up! JOHN HANCOCK Hold on! John Hancock signs his name, followed by all his contact information. JOHN HANCOCK (talking fast, uptight) I'm including my work address, home address, telegraph handle, contact information for my town crier, the name and breed of my messenger pigeon... We see his signature, a neat "John Hancock," followed by addresses and numbers: 555 Pickaberry Drive, Braintree, MA 51587; 94 Independence Way, Cleavland, MA 22158, LilHancock23, Trevor James, Black Fin Cardinal, etc. The founding fathers shuffle forward, muttering and trying to get close enough to sign the document. John Adams is dipping his quill into different colored ink wells and drawing an obnoxious multicolored, multi-fonted signature. JOHN ADAMS A little bit of red... a bit of blue... some calligraphy... a lot of glitter. We see his John Adams Signature, "John" written in one type of Calligraphy, "Adams" italicized in another. The letter J is lower case and topped with a heart. There are clumps of glitter everywhere. Next to John Adams, Samuel Adams is signing. THOMAS JEFFERSON You can't write "Cheers!" You're not even British! We see Samuel Adams signature. It says "Cheers! Samuel Adams," and is followed by a quote. Samuel Adams looks up from writing, surprised. THOMAS JEFFERSON Not anymore, anyways. And, c'mon. Thomas Jefferson points to a quote underneath "Cheers!" that reads "'Follow Your Dreams!' - King George." BENJAMIN FRANKLIN (while writing) Good point, TJ. That's tacky. We see underneath Benjamin Franklin's stout, very large signature, he is writing his own quote, "'Follow Your Dreams!' - Benjamin Franklin." He continues to sign his name in various parts of the paper. THOMAS JEFFERSON Great. Those dirty Brits are gonna be shaking in their boots when they read our fearless declaration... William Whipple and Benjamin Harrison are huddled together. BENJAMIN HARRISON (to William Whipple) Is that a dolphin jumping over a smiley face? WILLIAM WHIPPLE Yeah. I made it out of zeros and dollar signs. We see William Whipple's signature is surrounded by ascii pictures, done by hand, of dollar signs, zeros, and other punctuation making a wonderland of dolphins jumping over smiley faces and sun shining down. EDWARD RUTLEDGE Ugh, I hate people like you. Edward Rutledge is next to them, writing. We see he is writing underneath his own name, in modest and utilitarian scribble "sent from my blackberry farm." Whipple and Harrison give him a look. EDWARD RUTLEDGE I can't help it! It does it automatically! We see his hand is writing without him controlling it. EDWARD RUTLEDGE Anyways, we are actually at my Blackberry Farm. Cut to outside the window is an idyllic blackberry farm and Vivaldi music. A stapler sound effect brings everyone back into the room. The camera pans to Samuel Chase who is stapling newspapers to the declaration. THOMAS JEFFERSON C'mon man! This is gonna be a historical document someday! SAMUEL CHASE I just thought they might want to see this funny article I wrote for the Baltimore Sun about dating! Oh and a flipbook of a guy getting kicked in the nuts. FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE (writing his name lower case) I'm not going to capitalize, because I want people to know I'm super laid back and don't care about grammar. JOHN ADAMS (mumbling under his breath as he writes) Oh and also! Save... a... tree... Everyone is looking at John Adams. JOHN ADAMS What? I just want people to consider the environment before they copy this declaration by hand onto another piece of paper! Imagine if everyone who saw it did that! That's like... 5 pieces of paper! Thomas Jefferson shakes his head, then picks up the paper, folding it and putting it into an envelope. THOMAS JEFFERSON Well. We did it. Looks like the sun does set on the British Empire. Now let's just send this off... Thomas Jefferson hands it to a messenger, and closes the door with pride. As soon as he closes the door, there's an immediate knock. Thomas Jefferson looks annoyed. THOMAS JEFFERSON (while opening door) Oh gimme a--- It's the messenger again. He hands Thomas Jefferson the envelope. MAILER DAEMON Sorry, man. Over quota. END.