Declaration of Email Signatures

By

Emily Axford

          INT. AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY ERA OFFICE

          THOMAS JEFFERSON, JOHN ADAMS, SAMUEL ADAMS, BENJAMIN
          FRANKLIN, BENJAMIN HARRISON, WILLIAM WHIPPLE, EDWARD
          RUTLEDGE, SAMUEL CHASE, FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE, and JOHN
          HANCOCK are huddled over a browned and frayed document.
          Everyone is holding quills. As they start signing the
          document, Thomas Jefferson speaks.

                              THOMAS JEFFERSON
                         (stepping back to allow the
                         others to go in front of him)
                    This is truly a fantastic day,
                    gentlemen.  No longer will we
                    suffer King George's tyranny.  All
                    we need to do is sign it, then our
                    declaration is official!

                              JOHN ADAMS
                         (to John Hancock, who is
                         signing in front of him)
                    Hurry up!

                              JOHN HANCOCK
                    Hold on!

          John Hancock signs his name, followed by all his contact
          information.

                              JOHN HANCOCK
                         (talking fast, uptight)
                    I'm including my work address, home
                    address, telegraph handle, contact
                    information for my town crier, the
                    name and breed of my messenger
                    pigeon...

          We see his signature, a neat "John Hancock," followed by
          addresses and numbers: 555 Pickaberry Drive, Braintree, MA
          51587; 94 Independence Way, Cleavland, MA 22158,
          LilHancock23, Trevor James, Black Fin Cardinal, etc.

          The founding fathers shuffle forward, muttering and trying
          to get close enough to sign the document. John Adams is
          dipping his quill into different colored ink wells and
          drawing an obnoxious multicolored, multi-fonted signature.

                              JOHN ADAMS
                    A little bit of red... a bit of
                    blue... some calligraphy... a lot
                    of glitter.

          We see his John Adams Signature, "John" written in one type
          of Calligraphy, "Adams" italicized in another. The letter J
          is lower case and topped with a heart. There are clumps of
          glitter everywhere.

          Next to John Adams, Samuel Adams is signing.

                              THOMAS JEFFERSON
                    You can't write "Cheers!"  You're
                    not even British!

          We see Samuel Adams signature. It says "Cheers! Samuel
          Adams," and is followed by a quote. Samuel Adams looks up
          from writing, surprised.

                              THOMAS JEFFERSON
                    Not anymore, anyways.  And, c'mon.

          Thomas Jefferson points to a quote underneath "Cheers!" that
          reads "'Follow Your Dreams!' - King George."

                              BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
                         (while writing)
                    Good point, TJ.  That's tacky.

          We see underneath Benjamin Franklin's stout, very large
          signature, he is writing his own quote, "'Follow Your
          Dreams!' - Benjamin Franklin." He continues to sign his name
          in various parts of the paper.

                              THOMAS JEFFERSON
                    Great.  Those dirty Brits are gonna
                    be shaking in their boots when they
                    read our fearless declaration...

          William Whipple and Benjamin Harrison are huddled together.

                              BENJAMIN HARRISON
                         (to William Whipple)
                    Is that a dolphin jumping over a
                    smiley face?

                              WILLIAM WHIPPLE
                    Yeah.  I made it out of zeros and
                    dollar signs.

          We see William Whipple's signature is surrounded by ascii
          pictures, done by hand, of dollar signs, zeros, and other
          punctuation making a wonderland of dolphins jumping over
          smiley faces and sun shining down.

                              EDWARD RUTLEDGE
                    Ugh, I hate people like you.

          Edward Rutledge is next to them, writing. We see he is
          writing underneath his own name, in modest and utilitarian
          scribble "sent from my blackberry farm." Whipple and
          Harrison give him a look.

                              EDWARD RUTLEDGE
                    I can't help it!  It does it
                    automatically!

          We see his hand is writing without him controlling it.

                              EDWARD RUTLEDGE
                    Anyways, we are actually at my
                    Blackberry Farm.

          Cut to outside the window is an idyllic blackberry farm and
          Vivaldi music.

          A stapler sound effect brings everyone back into the room.
          The camera pans to Samuel Chase who is stapling newspapers
          to the declaration.

                              THOMAS JEFFERSON
                    C'mon man!  This is gonna be a
                    historical document someday!

                              SAMUEL CHASE
                    I just thought they might want to
                    see this funny article I wrote for
                    the Baltimore Sun about dating!  Oh
                    and a flipbook of a guy getting
                    kicked in the nuts.

                              FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE
                         (writing his name lower case)
                    I'm not going to capitalize,
                    because I want people to know I'm
                    super laid back and don't care
                    about grammar.

                              JOHN ADAMS
                         (mumbling under his breath as
                         he writes)
                    Oh and also!  Save... a... tree...

          Everyone is looking at John Adams.

                              JOHN ADAMS
                    What?  I just want people to
                    consider the environment before
                    they copy this declaration by hand
                    onto another piece of paper! 
                    Imagine if everyone who saw it did
                    that!  That's like... 5 pieces of
                    paper!

          Thomas Jefferson shakes his head, then picks up the paper,
          folding it and putting it into an envelope.

                              THOMAS JEFFERSON
                    Well.  We did it.  Looks like the
                    sun does set on the British
                    Empire.  Now let's just send this
                    off...

          Thomas Jefferson hands it to a messenger, and closes the
          door with pride. As soon as he closes the door, there's an
          immediate knock. Thomas Jefferson looks annoyed.

                              THOMAS JEFFERSON
                         (while opening door)
                    Oh gimme a---

          It's the messenger again. He hands Thomas Jefferson the
          envelope.

                              MAILER DAEMON
                    Sorry, man.  Over quota.

          END.