Hopefully King George has his spam filter on. Starring Mark Deklin, Jim O'Heir, and Thomas Ian Nicholas.
By Emily Axford
INT. AMERICAN REVOLUTIONARY ERA OFFICE
THOMAS JEFFERSON, JOHN ADAMS, SAMUEL ADAMS, BENJAMIN
FRANKLIN, BENJAMIN HARRISON, WILLIAM WHIPPLE, EDWARD
RUTLEDGE, SAMUEL CHASE, FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE, and JOHN
HANCOCK are huddled over a browned and frayed document.
Everyone is holding quills. As they start signing the
document, Thomas Jefferson speaks.
(stepping back to allow the
others to go in front of him)
This is truly a fantastic day,
gentlemen. No longer will we
suffer King George's tyranny. All
we need to do is sign it, then our
declaration is official!
(to John Hancock, who is
signing in front of him)
John Hancock signs his name, followed by all his contact
(talking fast, uptight)
I'm including my work address, home
address, telegraph handle, contact
information for my town crier, the
name and breed of my messenger
We see his signature, a neat "John Hancock," followed by
addresses and numbers: 555 Pickaberry Drive, Braintree, MA
51587; 94 Independence Way, Cleavland, MA 22158,
LilHancock23, Trevor James, Black Fin Cardinal, etc.
The founding fathers shuffle forward, muttering and trying
to get close enough to sign the document. John Adams is
dipping his quill into different colored ink wells and
drawing an obnoxious multicolored, multi-fonted signature.
A little bit of red... a bit of
blue... some calligraphy... a lot
We see his John Adams Signature, "John" written in one type
of Calligraphy, "Adams" italicized in another. The letter J
is lower case and topped with a heart. There are clumps of
Next to John Adams, Samuel Adams is signing.
You can't write "Cheers!" You're
not even British!
We see Samuel Adams signature. It says "Cheers! Samuel
Adams," and is followed by a quote. Samuel Adams looks up
from writing, surprised.
Not anymore, anyways. And, c'mon.
Thomas Jefferson points to a quote underneath "Cheers!" that
reads "'Follow Your Dreams!' - King George."
Good point, TJ. That's tacky.
We see underneath Benjamin Franklin's stout, very large
signature, he is writing his own quote, "'Follow Your
Dreams!' - Benjamin Franklin." He continues to sign his name
in various parts of the paper.
Great. Those dirty Brits are gonna
be shaking in their boots when they
read our fearless declaration...
William Whipple and Benjamin Harrison are huddled together.
(to William Whipple)
Is that a dolphin jumping over a
Yeah. I made it out of zeros and
We see William Whipple's signature is surrounded by ascii
pictures, done by hand, of dollar signs, zeros, and other
punctuation making a wonderland of dolphins jumping over
smiley faces and sun shining down.
Ugh, I hate people like you.
Edward Rutledge is next to them, writing. We see he is
writing underneath his own name, in modest and utilitarian
scribble "sent from my blackberry farm." Whipple and
Harrison give him a look.
I can't help it! It does it
We see his hand is writing without him controlling it.
Anyways, we are actually at my
Cut to outside the window is an idyllic blackberry farm and
A stapler sound effect brings everyone back into the room.
The camera pans to Samuel Chase who is stapling newspapers
to the declaration.
C'mon man! This is gonna be a
historical document someday!
I just thought they might want to
see this funny article I wrote for
the Baltimore Sun about dating! Oh
and a flipbook of a guy getting
kicked in the nuts.
FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE
(writing his name lower case)
I'm not going to capitalize,
because I want people to know I'm
super laid back and don't care
(mumbling under his breath as
Oh and also! Save... a... tree...
Everyone is looking at John Adams.
What? I just want people to
consider the environment before
they copy this declaration by hand
onto another piece of paper!
Imagine if everyone who saw it did
that! That's like... 5 pieces of
Thomas Jefferson shakes his head, then picks up the paper,
folding it and putting it into an envelope.
Well. We did it. Looks like the
sun does set on the British
Empire. Now let's just send this
Thomas Jefferson hands it to a messenger, and closes the
door with pride. As soon as he closes the door, there's an
immediate knock. Thomas Jefferson looks annoyed.
(while opening door)
Oh gimme a---
It's the messenger again. He hands Thomas Jefferson the
Sorry, man. Over quota.