Five kings. One throne. No resets.
By Ben Joseph
A TITLE CARD: HBO'S A GAME OF THRONES: A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE / SEASON TWO EXPANSION PACK!
A SWORD CURSOR hits START NEW GAME.
STANNIS stands opposite MELISANDRE in a dank war room.
STANNIS: So, Melisandre, which magical ingredients will you use to make this shadow monster?
A CRAFTING MENU opens up. The cursor moves past various potions and artifacts, leaves the menu, then selects STANNIS, then MELISANDRE.
Melisandre leaps on Stannis. They start having RAPID SEX. A SHADOW MONSTER pops out of Melisandre and flies off-screen with a SCREECHING NOISE.
STANNIS: ...I need to take a shower.
TEXT BOX: Meanwhile, in Qarth...
DAENERYS, followed by JORAH, enters. An EXCLAMATION POINT appears over her head and she runs to an EMPTY PEDESTAL.
DAENERYS: WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS? WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?
This text box expands, quickly covering the entire screen. Another text box appears on top of it:
TEXT BOX: This continues for some time.
TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at King's Landing...
EXT. king's landing
TYRION, JOFFREY, and the KINGSGUARD stand at the left side of the screen, commoners on either side.
TEX BOX: 3.. 2.. 1.. DODGE THE ANGRY PEASANT POO!
Commoners begin throwing COW SHIT. The Lannisters run between them, weaving back and forth, barely making it into the castle.
TEXT BOX: You just saved your nephew from a shit-throwing mob! KING-SLAP BONUS ROUND!
Enter a MINI-GAME featuring JOFFREY'S FACE. TEXT BOX: HIT "A" TO SLAP! We do so. It's very satisfying.
TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, in Winterfell...
THEON stands in the front yard of the castle.
THEON: Nobody respects me or is really sure who I am? FINE! I'm totally going to kill those two Stark boys.
Theon looks around, worried.
THEON: Uh, look! There they are now!
Theon runs off-screen.
THEON: I found them and I'm killing them so dead! So dead you definitely won't even recognize them! Stab! Stab! Stab!
Theon re-enters, pushing a platform with two BLACKENED UNRECOGNIZABLE CORPSES hanging from a wooden frame.
THEON: Oh man! Look at how dead Bran and Rickon are!
TEXT BOX: Theon acquired "DEFINITELY NOT BRAN AND RICKON."
THEON: OH COME ON!
Behind him, OSHA, RICKON, and HODOR sprint out of the castle and exit. Hodor pushes BRAN in a wheelbarrow. Theon SIGHS.
TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, at...
Before the title card finishes, we CUT TO:
LITTLEFINGER'S tiny avatar dances between two large still images of NAKED WOMEN. The still images flip back and forth as a catchy TECHNO SONG plays.
FLASHING TITLES: GRATUITOUS BREAST INTERLUDE/LITTLEFINGER DANCE PARTY!!
TITLE CARD: Sorry, we have to do that every 60 seconds.
A LEVEL MAP version of KING'S LANDING. Tyrion walks from the keep and stops at a level near the water, labeled BATTLE OF BLACKWATER. He selects it.
TEXT BOX: BATTLE OF BLACKWATER! THIS BATTLE REQUIRES: -10 MILLION BUDGET POINTS -A FULLY POWERED HYPE CRYSTAL CONTINUE? >YES >NO
Tyrion chooses "YES." The screen warps, taking us to a BATTLE SCREEN. BRONN and TYRION stand on the ramparts of a castle opposite ships in the bay: STANNIS'S FLEET.
Tyrion, from his menu, uses SUMMON. He passes "STONE CROWS" and "DWARF PENIS" and chooses "SHIP FULL OF WILDFIRE." The ship appears in the water in front of them.
Bronn uses "ATTACK", shooting a fire arrow into the ship. KABOOM! A MASSIVE GREEN EXPLOSION. Tyrion and Bronn are knocked back off-screen. FADE TO GREEN/WHITE.
int. king's landing - holdfast
CERSEI hides with SANSA and other LADIES. ILLYN PAYNE stands nearby. Cersei chooses WINE (X8) from her inventory and consumes one, then after a distinct beat, the rest. Her LUSH meter, in the upper right corner of the screen, maxes out.
CERSEI: Not to scare anybody, but...
CERSEI: ...y'all gonna get raped.
She starts pointing to various ladies.
CERSEI: You gonna get raped. You gonna get raped. You gonna get SUPER raped...
BOOM. The right wall explodes in a green blast. Tyrion and Bronn land in the middle of holdfast. VICTORY MUSIC!
TEXT BOX: Tyrion won the battle!!
TYWIN and his SOLDIERS show up at the hole in the wall.
TEXT BOX: ...but Tywin took all the credit.
Tyrion pulls himself to his feet, but a KINGSGUARD walks over and slashes him in the face.
TEXT BOX: ...and his sister tried to kill him.
Tyrion collapses. FADE TO BLACK.
TITLE CARD: Meanwhile, in... EVERYWHERE!
The screen starts FLASHING. A glittery TITLE APPEARS: FINAL EPISODE PLOTLINE WRAP UP GO!
int. house of the undying
TEXT BOX: DAENERYS!
Daenerys enters the room containing her dragons.
DAENERYS: ARE MY DRAGONS WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS WHERE- Oh there they are.
TEXT BOX: DRAGONS rejoined Daenerys's party!
CHAINS fly from the walls and lock around Daenerys's arms. A WARLOCK enters.
WARLOCK: Haha! You will be our prisoner forever!
Daenerys opens one of the dragon's ACTIONS menu: >ROAR >SCRATCH >BREATHE COMICALLY SMALL AMOUNT OF FIRE. She selects the third one. The dragon spits a very small fireball, starting a TINY FIRE next to the warlock.
WARLOCK: Ha, like that's going to do anything-
WHOOSH. The warlock and the whole place go up in flames.
TEXT BOX: ARYA!
JAQEN H'GHAR talks to ARYA and GENDRY.
JAQEN H'GHAR: ...so, what will a lady do?
TEXT BOX: >Become faceless magic wizard assasin. >Find family. >Kiss Gendry.
Shes tries to choose the third option, but a NEGATIVE BUZZ sounds. It's "ONLY AVAILABLE IN FAN FICTION MODE."
Arya SIGHS and chooses the second option.
EXT. SOUTHLANDS - night
TEXT BOX: ROBB!
A PRIEST stands in front of ROBB STARK and TALISA.
PRIEST: And do you, Rob Stark, pledge to endanger your friends and neglect your duties for this chick you just met?
A YES/NO menu appears. Robb chooses "YES." JON SNOW and the red-haired wilding YGRITTE run in.
JON SNOW: Hi! Can I also do that please?
TEXT BOX w/ TRIUMPHANT MUSIC STING: X2 STARK POOR DECISION BONUS! The priest SIGHS.
ext. beyond the wall
TEXT BOX: AND, FINALLY... SAM?
On a BATTLE SCREEN, Chubby Sam, alone in the cold, pumps his fist.
SAM: Yay I get to be the hero!
TRANSITION TO BATTLE SCREEN. Sam fights WHITE WALKERS and A SHIT TON OF ZOMBIES (sic) enter. They literally fill the right half of the screen.
SAM: Well fuck.
CUT TO: One more very abrupt GRATUITOUS BREAST INTERLUDE/LITTLEFINGER DANCE PARTY.