The Adventures of Kim Jong Un Part 2

By

Ben Joseph

          KIM JONG UN 2: MISSILE STORY CRISIS ZERO HOUR ATTACK!

          A catchy, anime-style THEME SONG plays over a series of
          ILLUSTRATED STILLS. Every time they’re sung, the words KIM
          JONG UN appear on-screen.

                              SINGER
                    The adventures of KIM JONG UN!

          - Kim Jong Un takes on an army of KILLER ROBOTS.

                              SINGER
                    Real things that really happened to
                    KIM JONG UN!

          - Kim Jong Un does a PERFECT HAND-STAND for a crowd of
          SCREAMING FEMALE FANS.

          The singer takes a DEEP BREATH. Then, quickly:

                              SINGER
                    The penalty for questioning this
                    program's accuracy is death by
                    scorpions so enjoy your mandatory
                    viewing of The Adventures of...

          QUICK IMAGES of Kim Jong Un doing awesome things. (Riding a
          giant lobster, DJ-ing for a club full of kitten people,
          etc.)

          Amidst them, we pause on an FBI Warning-style TEXT CARD
          featuring a graphic of a man being killed by SCORPIONS.

                              SINGER
                    ...KIM JON UN!!

          EXT. MISSILE LAUNCH SITE

          Kim Jong Un, SCIENTISTS and a robot MINSTER stand next to a
          large upright MISSILE.

                              SCIENTIST
                    Missile test will commence in
                    3...2...1...

          Kim Jong Un picks up the missile and hurls it into SPACE. It
          hits the moon, explodes, and reshapes it into Un’s face.

          Back on Earth, everybody CHEERS.

                              MINISTER
                    The North Korean missiles are the
                    best missiles.  There is only one
                    problem, oh most glorious centaur
                    of virility...

          Kim Jong Un turns to the robot. He SWALLOWS nervously.

                              MINISTER
                    ...the rest of the world doesn't
                    believe it.  We blame your old
                    enemy, Western Media.

          He holds up a NEWSPAPER with a picture of a LIMP MISSILE and
          the headline: NORTH KOREA FAILS AGAIN! Then, smaller: Eighth
          grade girls totally laugh at them.

          Kim Jong Un nods solemnly. He punches the air so hard it
          creates a TIME PORTAL. (Small text graphic: FUTURE PUNCH!)
          From the portal, he pulls out a HOVER BOARD.

          He rides the hover board and lands on a large DRAGON. Widen
          to reveal the dragon is ALSO RIDING A HOVER BOARD. As the
          dragon flies through the air, both it and Un pull out
          guitars and shred for a few seconds.

          CUT TO:

          INT. WESTERN MEDIA'S HIDEOUT

          WESTERN MEDIA, a cigar-chomping newspaper editor, presides
          over a room of oppressed REPORTERS working on typewriters.

                              WESTERN MEDIA
                         (devious)
                    Today's top story... Kim Jong Un's
                    Juggling Skills Do Not Impress
                    Women.

          He CACKLES. A REPORTER shakes his fists with fury.

                              MALE REPORTER
                    I don't know how much longer I can
                    print these filthy lies!

          A GIANT DRAGON FIST punches in through the wall. The
          dragon’s other hand enters, Kim Jong Un standing on its
          palm.

                              REPORTERS
                    Our Liberator has arrived!

                              WESTERN MEDIA
                    AH!  Blog-goblins, attack!

          An army of small, horrible troll monsters - the BLOG GOBLINS
          - run out and attack Un. He defeats them all with ease.

                              BLOG GOBLINS
                    He's too strong!  Retreat to the
                    comments section!

          They scatter. Western Media, angry, transforms into a GIANT
          RAT. (Still with fedora and cigar.) He attacks Kim Jong Un.

          He starts to beat KJU back, but suddenly... ROBERT DOWNEY
          JR., in Iron man armor, bursts through the wall.

                              REPORTER 1
                    It's Avenger Man Robert Downey
                    Jr.!  He's Kim Jong Un's best
                    friend!

                              REPORTER 2
                    Uh, duh.

                              ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
                    Kay Jay, my man!  I brought you
                    your own Iron Man armor!

          A custom suit of Iron Man armor snaps up around Kim Jong Un.

          Now powered up, he battles Western Media. It’s a stalemate.

                              ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
                    You need more power!  Take this, my
                    ally!

          Robert Downey Jr. tears off his GOATEE and throws it onto
          Kim Jong Un’s face. An AURA appears around Kim Jong Un. A
          BAR GRAPH of various STATS appear next to him. Those bars
          MAX OUT, shooting out the top of the screen.

          OUTSIDE, the bars SMASH out through the roof, knocking off
          some PIGEONS and a CONSTRUCTION WORKER.

          In SPACE, the bars rocket pass the Kim Jong Moon. It WINKS.

          INT. BUILDING

          BACK INSIDE, Western Media is cowering in fear. The newly
          goateed Kim Jong Un approaches him slowly.

                              WESTERN MEDIA
                    Please...Be merciful...I was...Just
                    Jealous...

          Kim Jong Un starts JUGGLING. All the women in the office
          SWOON and instantly become VERY PREGNANT.

                              MALE REPORTER
                    Those lessons weren't a waste of
                    time at all!

          The balls start to GLOW. In an epic, Dragonball Z-esque
          move, Kim Jong Un hurls them at Western Media. His armor and
          goatee explode off in the process. Western Media collapses.

                              WESTERN MEDIA
                         (weakly)
                    Print journalism...Is dying...
                    Dying... Dead.

          His eyes close. He melts into a thick black sludge. All the
          reporters CHEER. RDJ walks up to Kim Jong Un.

                              ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
                    I actually brought you one more
                    thing.  It's from your dad.

          He gives Kim Jong Un a BIG HUG. The dragon’s eyes get moist.
          On this tender moment, we PULL OUT until...

          ...a GIANT FOOT smashes the building flat. It belongs
          gigantic KIM JONG UN. He ROARS and flies into outer space.

          END.