The continuing escapades of North Korea's leader / rock star / Iron Man.
By Ben Joseph
KIM JONG UN 2: MISSILE STORY CRISIS ZERO HOUR ATTACK!
A catchy, anime-style THEME SONG plays over a series of
ILLUSTRATED STILLS. Every time they’re sung, the words KIM
JONG UN appear on-screen.
The adventures of KIM JONG UN!
- Kim Jong Un takes on an army of KILLER ROBOTS.
Real things that really happened to
KIM JONG UN!
- Kim Jong Un does a PERFECT HAND-STAND for a crowd of
SCREAMING FEMALE FANS.
The singer takes a DEEP BREATH. Then, quickly:
The penalty for questioning this
program's accuracy is death by
scorpions so enjoy your mandatory
viewing of The Adventures of...
QUICK IMAGES of Kim Jong Un doing awesome things. (Riding a
giant lobster, DJ-ing for a club full of kitten people,
Amidst them, we pause on an FBI Warning-style TEXT CARD
featuring a graphic of a man being killed by SCORPIONS.
...KIM JON UN!!
EXT. MISSILE LAUNCH SITE
Kim Jong Un, SCIENTISTS and a robot MINSTER stand next to a
large upright MISSILE.
Missile test will commence in
Kim Jong Un picks up the missile and hurls it into SPACE. It
hits the moon, explodes, and reshapes it into Un’s face.
Back on Earth, everybody CHEERS.
The North Korean missiles are the
best missiles. There is only one
problem, oh most glorious centaur
Kim Jong Un turns to the robot. He SWALLOWS nervously.
...the rest of the world doesn't
believe it. We blame your old
enemy, Western Media.
He holds up a NEWSPAPER with a picture of a LIMP MISSILE and
the headline: NORTH KOREA FAILS AGAIN! Then, smaller: Eighth
grade girls totally laugh at them.
Kim Jong Un nods solemnly. He punches the air so hard it
creates a TIME PORTAL. (Small text graphic: FUTURE PUNCH!)
From the portal, he pulls out a HOVER BOARD.
He rides the hover board and lands on a large DRAGON. Widen
to reveal the dragon is ALSO RIDING A HOVER BOARD. As the
dragon flies through the air, both it and Un pull out
guitars and shred for a few seconds.
INT. WESTERN MEDIA'S HIDEOUT
WESTERN MEDIA, a cigar-chomping newspaper editor, presides
over a room of oppressed REPORTERS working on typewriters.
Today's top story... Kim Jong Un's
Juggling Skills Do Not Impress
He CACKLES. A REPORTER shakes his fists with fury.
I don't know how much longer I can
print these filthy lies!
A GIANT DRAGON FIST punches in through the wall. The
dragon’s other hand enters, Kim Jong Un standing on its
Our Liberator has arrived!
AH! Blog-goblins, attack!
An army of small, horrible troll monsters - the BLOG GOBLINS
- run out and attack Un. He defeats them all with ease.
He's too strong! Retreat to the
They scatter. Western Media, angry, transforms into a GIANT
RAT. (Still with fedora and cigar.) He attacks Kim Jong Un.
He starts to beat KJU back, but suddenly... ROBERT DOWNEY
JR., in Iron man armor, bursts through the wall.
It's Avenger Man Robert Downey
Jr.! He's Kim Jong Un's best
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
Kay Jay, my man! I brought you
your own Iron Man armor!
A custom suit of Iron Man armor snaps up around Kim Jong Un.
Now powered up, he battles Western Media. It’s a stalemate.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
You need more power! Take this, my
Robert Downey Jr. tears off his GOATEE and throws it onto
Kim Jong Un’s face. An AURA appears around Kim Jong Un. A
BAR GRAPH of various STATS appear next to him. Those bars
MAX OUT, shooting out the top of the screen.
OUTSIDE, the bars SMASH out through the roof, knocking off
some PIGEONS and a CONSTRUCTION WORKER.
In SPACE, the bars rocket pass the Kim Jong Moon. It WINKS.
BACK INSIDE, Western Media is cowering in fear. The newly
goateed Kim Jong Un approaches him slowly.
Please...Be merciful...I was...Just
Kim Jong Un starts JUGGLING. All the women in the office
SWOON and instantly become VERY PREGNANT.
Those lessons weren't a waste of
time at all!
The balls start to GLOW. In an epic, Dragonball Z-esque
move, Kim Jong Un hurls them at Western Media. His armor and
goatee explode off in the process. Western Media collapses.
Print journalism...Is dying...
His eyes close. He melts into a thick black sludge. All the
reporters CHEER. RDJ walks up to Kim Jong Un.
ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I actually brought you one more
thing. It's from your dad.
He gives Kim Jong Un a BIG HUG. The dragon’s eyes get moist.
On this tender moment, we PULL OUT until...
...a GIANT FOOT smashes the building flat. It belongs
gigantic KIM JONG UN. He ROARS and flies into outer space.