From CH Staff on
The continuing escapades of North Korea's leader / rock star / Iron Man.
By Ben Joseph
KIM JONG UN 2: MISSILE STORY CRISIS ZERO HOUR ATTACK! A catchy, anime-style THEME SONG plays over a series of ILLUSTRATED STILLS. Every time they’re sung, the words KIM JONG UN appear on-screen. SINGER The adventures of KIM JONG UN! - Kim Jong Un takes on an army of KILLER ROBOTS. SINGER Real things that really happened to KIM JONG UN! - Kim Jong Un does a PERFECT HAND-STAND for a crowd of SCREAMING FEMALE FANS. The singer takes a DEEP BREATH. Then, quickly: SINGER The penalty for questioning this program's accuracy is death by scorpions so enjoy your mandatory viewing of The Adventures of... QUICK IMAGES of Kim Jong Un doing awesome things. (Riding a giant lobster, DJ-ing for a club full of kitten people, etc.) Amidst them, we pause on an FBI Warning-style TEXT CARD featuring a graphic of a man being killed by SCORPIONS. SINGER ...KIM JON UN!! EXT. MISSILE LAUNCH SITE Kim Jong Un, SCIENTISTS and a robot MINSTER stand next to a large upright MISSILE. SCIENTIST Missile test will commence in 3...2...1... Kim Jong Un picks up the missile and hurls it into SPACE. It hits the moon, explodes, and reshapes it into Un’s face. Back on Earth, everybody CHEERS. MINISTER The North Korean missiles are the best missiles. There is only one problem, oh most glorious centaur of virility... Kim Jong Un turns to the robot. He SWALLOWS nervously. MINISTER ...the rest of the world doesn't believe it. We blame your old enemy, Western Media. He holds up a NEWSPAPER with a picture of a LIMP MISSILE and the headline: NORTH KOREA FAILS AGAIN! Then, smaller: Eighth grade girls totally laugh at them. Kim Jong Un nods solemnly. He punches the air so hard it creates a TIME PORTAL. (Small text graphic: FUTURE PUNCH!) From the portal, he pulls out a HOVER BOARD. He rides the hover board and lands on a large DRAGON. Widen to reveal the dragon is ALSO RIDING A HOVER BOARD. As the dragon flies through the air, both it and Un pull out guitars and shred for a few seconds. CUT TO: INT. WESTERN MEDIA'S HIDEOUT WESTERN MEDIA, a cigar-chomping newspaper editor, presides over a room of oppressed REPORTERS working on typewriters. WESTERN MEDIA (devious) Today's top story... Kim Jong Un's Juggling Skills Do Not Impress Women. He CACKLES. A REPORTER shakes his fists with fury. MALE REPORTER I don't know how much longer I can print these filthy lies! A GIANT DRAGON FIST punches in through the wall. The dragon’s other hand enters, Kim Jong Un standing on its palm. REPORTERS Our Liberator has arrived! WESTERN MEDIA AH! Blog-goblins, attack! An army of small, horrible troll monsters - the BLOG GOBLINS - run out and attack Un. He defeats them all with ease. BLOG GOBLINS He's too strong! Retreat to the comments section! They scatter. Western Media, angry, transforms into a GIANT RAT. (Still with fedora and cigar.) He attacks Kim Jong Un. He starts to beat KJU back, but suddenly... ROBERT DOWNEY JR., in Iron man armor, bursts through the wall. REPORTER 1 It's Avenger Man Robert Downey Jr.! He's Kim Jong Un's best friend! REPORTER 2 Uh, duh. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. Kay Jay, my man! I brought you your own Iron Man armor! A custom suit of Iron Man armor snaps up around Kim Jong Un. Now powered up, he battles Western Media. It’s a stalemate. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. You need more power! Take this, my ally! Robert Downey Jr. tears off his GOATEE and throws it onto Kim Jong Un’s face. An AURA appears around Kim Jong Un. A BAR GRAPH of various STATS appear next to him. Those bars MAX OUT, shooting out the top of the screen. OUTSIDE, the bars SMASH out through the roof, knocking off some PIGEONS and a CONSTRUCTION WORKER. In SPACE, the bars rocket pass the Kim Jong Moon. It WINKS. INT. BUILDING BACK INSIDE, Western Media is cowering in fear. The newly goateed Kim Jong Un approaches him slowly. WESTERN MEDIA Please...Be merciful...I was...Just Jealous... Kim Jong Un starts JUGGLING. All the women in the office SWOON and instantly become VERY PREGNANT. MALE REPORTER Those lessons weren't a waste of time at all! The balls start to GLOW. In an epic, Dragonball Z-esque move, Kim Jong Un hurls them at Western Media. His armor and goatee explode off in the process. Western Media collapses. WESTERN MEDIA (weakly) Print journalism...Is dying... Dying... Dead. His eyes close. He melts into a thick black sludge. All the reporters CHEER. RDJ walks up to Kim Jong Un. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. I actually brought you one more thing. It's from your dad. He gives Kim Jong Un a BIG HUG. The dragon’s eyes get moist. On this tender moment, we PULL OUT until... ...a GIANT FOOT smashes the building flat. It belongs gigantic KIM JONG UN. He ROARS and flies into outer space. END.