The Dark Knight's greatest fears aren't so great.
By Front Page Films
EXT. GOTHAM - THE NARROWS - ALLEY FIRE ESCAPE - NIGHT Batman peers through a window with his PERISCOPE. He hears footsteps and sees NARROWS BOY gawking at him from a fire escape below. NARROWS BOY It's you isn't it? Everybody's been talking about you. The other kids won't believe me. Batman throws down his PERISCOPE. NARROWS BOY (reading the periscope) ...Wayne enterprises? (then) Are you Bruce Wayne? BATMAN Man... I am not very good at this... ALT: Batman looks at his expensive periscope: “Here, take this pen I got at the bank.” Kid: I still don’t think they are going to believe me. Batman hoists himself up into the window. INT. DINGY APARTMENT - NIGHT The neglected slum apartment is dark and shadowy. Batman looks through a pile of dingy stuffed animals and sees they hide drugs. He hears a noise and hides quickly. CRANE and 2 HENCHMEN enter. CRANE Torch the place. No traces. HENCHMAN #1 I gotta take a leak. Henchman #2 dumps gas over the apartment as Henchman #1 leaves. CRANE Why does he always do that while we're in the middle of a crime? A CRASH from the bathroom. Crane and the Henchman become worried. Henchman #2 lifts his lighter, revealing Batman. In a dark blur, batman incapacitates the henchman. Batman turns to Crane who now wears his SCARECROW mask. Crane sprays batman with his fear gas. Batman reels and leans against a wall in fear. Crane pours gas on Batman. CRANE Oh, having trouble? Have a drink... Flashes of Batman’s fears, too quick to see what they are. CRANE You look like a guy who takes himself too seriously. BATMAN NO! NO! GIRL SCOUTS! Evil small girl scouts! Stay away! CRANE You want my opinion? (flips open a lighter) You need to lighten...wait, what? BATMAN No! I don't want any of your cookies! Leave me alone! FEAR VISION - scarecrow is wearing blonde braids and a girl scout uniform. CRANE Are you serious right now? You're afraid of girls scouts? (to himself) Maybe I didn't hit you with enough of this stuff. CRANE sprays Batman again. BATMAN (cough) NO! NO! CRANE YES! FEEL THE FEAR! BATMAN No sleeves... your shirt... has no sleeves. Oh god. Make it stop. FEAR VISION - Scarecrow wears a tanktop. CRANE Sleeveless shirts? Really? BATMAN Your torso will be warm, but WHAT OF YOUR ARMS, SLEEVELESS SHIRT? WHAT. OF. YOUR. ARMS? CRANE Hold on... Crane sprays Batman again. BATMAN ROOMBAS! SO MANY ROOMBAS! They clean with their own free will! FEAR VISION - ROOMBAS CRANE You jump off buildings and fight crime. You're afraid of roombas? BATMAN Too spicy! Way too spicy! CRANE Oh my god, what is it now? FEAR VISION - A falafel sandwich. BATMAN Too much hot sauce on my falafel! CRANE Wow...just...wow. FEAR VISION - Scarecrow plays a ukulele BATMAN AHHH! Tiny Hawaiian guitar...it's a...a... CRANE Ukulele? BATMAN UKULELE! (SHRIEKS) CRANE Hold on, I gotta check this. Crane looks to Henchman #2, who is coming back into consciousness. Crane gasses him. HENCHMAN #2 AHHHH! CRANE What do you see? HENCHMAN #2 Maggots...fire...oh God, make it stop! FEAR VISION - the scarecrow is terrifying, maggots crawl from his eyes and fire from his mouth. CRANE (to Batman) See that makes sense. BATMAN Stay back Christopher McDonald! FEAR VISION - James Van Der Beek smiles warmly. Crane looks back and forth from the henchman to Batman. Jump cuts from insane nightmare vision and Christopher McDonald. BATMAN Goose Mackenzie! No! NOOO! CRANE Oh god, are you kidding me? The henchman passes out from fear. Batman runs back and forth, flailing his arms. BATMAN Oh god...no...NO...Jingling keys! AHHH! Water from a water filter...too charcoal filtered! Oh no...DISCO BALL! The line at the grocery store...NOT LONG ENOUGH! No time to read checkout magazines! OH NO! BATS! CRANE Oh bats! See that makes sense! So you're using your fear against your enemies... BATMAN Running water...filling the tub! DRIP DRIP DROP! BATHS! CRANE Oh. "Baths." FEAR VISION - A RUNNING BATH CRANE ...right. So you're Gotham's savior? BATMAN INTIMACY! NOOOOO! STAY AWAY!!! Oh no, a philanthropist! CUTE BANGS! Fluorescent lightbulbs! CRANE Screw this. Crane throws the lighter onto batman, lighting him on fire. Batman becomes calm. CRANE You're burning a live! Aren't you scared? BATMAN Oh this? Nah. Just don't bring that Roomba back. That was terrifying.