Batman vs. The Scarecrow

By

Front Page Films

          EXT. GOTHAM - THE NARROWS - ALLEY FIRE ESCAPE - NIGHT

          Batman peers through a window with his PERISCOPE. He hears
          footsteps and sees NARROWS BOY gawking at him from a fire
          escape below.

                              NARROWS BOY
                    It's you isn't it? Everybody's been
                    talking about you. The other kids
                    won't believe me.

          Batman throws down his PERISCOPE.

                              NARROWS BOY
                         (reading the periscope)
                    ...Wayne enterprises?
                         (then)
                    Are you Bruce Wayne?

                              BATMAN
                    Man... I am not very good at
                    this...

          ALT: Batman looks at his expensive periscope: “Here, take
          this pen I got at the bank.” Kid: I still don’t think they
          are going to believe me.

          Batman hoists himself up into the window.

          INT. DINGY APARTMENT - NIGHT

          The neglected slum apartment is dark and shadowy. Batman
          looks through a pile of dingy stuffed animals and sees they
          hide drugs. He hears a noise and hides quickly.

          CRANE and 2 HENCHMEN enter.

                              CRANE
                    Torch the place.  No traces.

                              HENCHMAN #1
                    I gotta take a leak.

          Henchman #2 dumps gas over the apartment as Henchman #1
          leaves.

                              CRANE
                    Why does he always do that while
                    we're in the middle of a crime?

          A CRASH from the bathroom. Crane and the Henchman become
          worried. Henchman #2 lifts his lighter, revealing Batman. In
          a dark blur, batman incapacitates the henchman.

          Batman turns to Crane who now wears his SCARECROW mask.
          Crane sprays batman with his fear gas.

          Batman reels and leans against a wall in fear. Crane pours
          gas on Batman.

                              CRANE
                    Oh, having trouble?  Have a
                    drink...

          Flashes of Batman’s fears, too quick to see what they are.

                              CRANE
                    You look like a guy who takes
                    himself too seriously.

                              BATMAN
                    NO!  NO!  GIRL SCOUTS!  Evil small
                    girl scouts!  Stay away!

                              CRANE
                    You want my opinion?
                         (flips open a lighter)
                    You need to lighten...wait, what?

                              BATMAN
                    No!  I don't want any of your
                    cookies!  Leave me alone!

          FEAR VISION - scarecrow is wearing blonde braids and a girl
          scout uniform.

                              CRANE
                    Are you serious right now?  You're
                    afraid of girls scouts?
                         (to himself)
                    Maybe I didn't hit you with enough
                    of this stuff.

          CRANE sprays Batman again.

                              BATMAN
                         (cough)
                    NO!  NO!

                              CRANE
                    YES!  FEEL THE FEAR!

                              BATMAN
                    No sleeves... your shirt... has no
                    sleeves.  Oh god.  Make it stop.

          FEAR VISION - Scarecrow wears a tanktop.

                              CRANE
                    Sleeveless shirts?  Really?

                              BATMAN
                    Your torso will be warm, but WHAT
                    OF YOUR ARMS, SLEEVELESS SHIRT? 
                    WHAT. OF. YOUR. ARMS?

                              CRANE
                    Hold on...

          Crane sprays Batman again.

                              BATMAN
                    ROOMBAS!  SO MANY ROOMBAS!  They
                    clean with their own free will!

          FEAR VISION - ROOMBAS

                              CRANE
                    You jump off buildings and fight
                    crime.  You're afraid of roombas?

                              BATMAN
                    Too spicy!  Way too spicy!

                              CRANE
                    Oh my god, what is it now?

          FEAR VISION - A falafel sandwich.

                              BATMAN
                    Too much hot sauce on my falafel!

                              CRANE
                    Wow...just...wow.

          FEAR VISION - Scarecrow plays a ukulele

                              BATMAN
                    AHHH!  Tiny Hawaiian guitar...it's
                    a...a...

                              CRANE
                    Ukulele?

                              BATMAN
                    UKULELE!  (SHRIEKS)

                              CRANE
                    Hold on, I gotta check this.

          Crane looks to Henchman #2, who is coming back into
          consciousness. Crane gasses him.

                              HENCHMAN #2
                    AHHHH!

                              CRANE
                    What do you see?

                              HENCHMAN #2
                    Maggots...fire...oh God, make it
                    stop!

          FEAR VISION - the scarecrow is terrifying, maggots crawl
          from his eyes and fire from his mouth.

                              CRANE
                         (to Batman)
                    See that makes sense.

                              BATMAN
                    Stay back Christopher McDonald!

          FEAR VISION - James Van Der Beek smiles warmly.

          Crane looks back and forth from the henchman to Batman. Jump
          cuts from insane nightmare vision and Christopher McDonald.

                              BATMAN
                   Goose Mackenzie!  No!  NOOO!

                              CRANE
                    Oh god, are you kidding me?

          The henchman passes out from fear. Batman runs back and
          forth, flailing his arms.

                              BATMAN
                    Oh god...no...NO...Jingling keys! 
                    AHHH!  Water from a water
                    filter...too charcoal filtered!  Oh
                    no...DISCO BALL!  The line at the
                    grocery store...NOT LONG ENOUGH! 
                    No time to read checkout
                    magazines!  OH NO!  BATS!

                              CRANE
                    Oh bats!  See that makes sense!  So
                    you're using your fear against your
                    enemies...

                              BATMAN
                    Running water...filling the tub! 
                    DRIP DRIP DROP!  BATHS!

                              CRANE
                    Oh.  "Baths."

          FEAR VISION - A RUNNING BATH

                              CRANE
                    ...right.  So you're Gotham's
                    savior?

                              BATMAN
                    INTIMACY!  NOOOOO!  STAY AWAY!!! Oh
                    no, a philanthropist!  CUTE BANGS! 
                    Fluorescent lightbulbs!

                              CRANE
                    Screw this.

          Crane throws the lighter onto batman, lighting him on fire.
          Batman becomes calm.

                              CRANE
                    You're burning a live!  Aren't you
                    scared?

                              BATMAN
                    Oh this?  Nah.  Just don't bring
                    that Roomba back.  That was
                    terrifying.