Pat and Emily create the perfect warrior whether they want to or not.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. VIDEO GAME COUCH
PAT sits on the couch, playing a video game. EMILY walks
Hey, whatcha playing?
I'm starting Skyrim.
Really?! How far are you?
I'm creating my character.
She sits on the couch next to him, intrigued.
Yeah, It's supposed to be like,
super advanced in this game.
ON TV: The Skyrim character creator. Various fantasy races
appear as Pat scrolls (Orc, Wood Elf, Argonian...). Baroque
words and menus accompany the images throughout.
Pat lands on the NORD, a buff viking.
Aw yeah: Nord.
Nice. Very nice.
(points to TV)
Oh, look, Pat or Emily?
TV: The Nord switches between a man and a woman.
Let's go with man?
Now we just need to pick his
height. His weight. Annnd skin
TV: The Nord gets taller, buffer, tanner.
Cool. Let's slay some dragon gods!
Those monsters shall taste our
steel just as soon as we pick what
color the dirt on his face is.
TV: The Nord's face dirt changes from brown to light brown.
(squinting at TV)
That's a good one. I guess. It's
like a... like a burnt sienna?
Yeah, I was gonna say. For sure in
the sienna family -- are we done?
Nope, we have to pick his elbow
TV: CLOSE on the Nord's elbow. It goes from dull to pointy.
How's that look?
I don't think it matters.
Okay, let's move on to--
Well hey don't make them too dull.
I mean, all things being equal. Or
whatever. Wait, why do I care. Can
we just start playing?
Look, I'm getting through these as
fast as I can. But how can we save
Skyrim if we don't know what our
nostril diameter is!
TV: CLOSE on Nord's nostrils, getting bigger and smaller.
Jesus. Uh, medium?
Good call. That way our nostrils
will be strong and fast. And the
Like the color inside--
--inside the nostrils, exactly.
I have no idea. You pick?
Wow, thanks. In that case I'll let
you pick Adam's apple prominence
and ankle depth.
Pat hands the controller to her.
What the hell is ankle depth?
Pat attempts to explain with hand gestures.
It's like, how deep, you know, your
ankle... curves. Very crucial.
TV: CLOSE on Nord's ankle. As the slider moves the ankle
changes in inconsistent ways: gets fatter, bumpier, etc.
They're fine! What's next?
"Taste in Brunch."
TV: The menu indeed reads "TASTE IN BRUNCH".
Ugh! How could what our character
prefers to eat between breakfast
and lunch possibly effect his
performance in a mythical quest
against a Nordic dragon with the
ability to consume the universe?
Maybe it's a really good brunch?
Look: it doesn't say what the
options are. It's just a slider.
TV: She toggles the vague "Taste In Brunch" slider. Nothing
changes. On the last toggle the Nord's left eyebrow raises.
Oh! Look at his eyebrow! That must
be a really unique taste in brunch.
Definitely pick that one.
This is so annoying. All I want to
do is kill giant spiders with a
sword gifted to me by the mayor. Is
that so much to ask?
Of course not.
Emily leans forward with a new determination.
Buckle up, we're gonna plow through
these things: toe stubbiness!
Great. Beard bristles!
Perfect. Tooth plaque.
Wonderful. Tooth plaque color.
Taylor Swift or Miley Cyrus?
Outstanding. Liklihood Of Saying
the Phrase "Exsqueeze Me."
Done! Yes! Booyah! Here we go...
(playing; in a wizardly voice)
Our adventure... begins!
Pat looks at Emily. That was a weird voice.
TV: The Nord begins to walk. A VILLAGER approaches.
Hey! This Nord has pointy elbows!
Let's get 'em!
A hoard of other villagers and MONSTERS kill the Nord.
I deserved that.
The Nord fights a giant spider.
Argh! Die! Ex-squeeeeze me!