From CH Staff on
Only one thing can heal Batman's tortured soul: volleyball.
By Ben Joseph & Kevin Corrigan
EXT. NEW YORK CITY A SPACESHIP hovers ominously over NEW YORK CITY when, suddenly, it's ROCKED WITH EXPLOSIONS. As it EXPLODES, we pan down, and all the Avengers - CAPTAIN AMERICA, HAWKEYE, BLACK WIDOW, IRON MAN, THOR and HULK - land heroically in the street. BATMAN lands next to them a second later. CAPTAIN AMERICA Nice team-up, everybody! Batman, it was great to finally- Batman steps in front of Captain America, interrupting him. PUSH IN on him as he starts an over-dramatic speech. BATMAN We may have won here and now, but evil will surface again, and when it does, we'll be there waiting. Watching. Reckoning. A silent guardian. A DARK KNIGHT. Rises. REVEAL: Everybody's waiting for him to finish. CAPTAIN AMERICA Uh, yeah, sure... Hey! We're going to grab a beer. You wanna come? BATMAN Wait, wait, you're all going to just go and... hang out? Together? CAPTAIN Why, what do you do after a battle? BATMAN Mostly, I sit alone in a cave and think about my dead parents. AWKWARD SILENCE as the Avengers take this in. HAWKEYE Dude... MAN (O.S.) Hey, look! It's the Avengers! Batman shoots a grappling hook, struggles to climb up it. BATMAN (with effort) HURRY! We must be only a rumor, a legend, a whispered word in the night- Are you signing autographs? Batman hangs uselessly from the end of the grappling hook as we REVEAL the Avengers interacting with a crowd of FANS. Iron Man leans toward a HOT BLONDE and flips his mask open. IRON MAN Hi, Tony Stark, how's it going, you 18? Batman runs in and slams Iron Man's mask shut. BATMAN What are you doing?! You just gave away your secret identity!! IRON MAN You don't tell people who you are? That sounds really... Lonely. BATMAN I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! (beat, sad) Or, I did. I had to make a choice between her and saving somebody else. Captain America puts a hand on Batman's shoulder. CAPTAIN AMERICA You know, there's a superpower that could have saved both of them. (whispers in his ear) The power of friendship. Batman pulls away. BATMAN UGH! I DON'T NEED FRIENDS! I work alone! BLACK WIDOW Really? Friends make the job a lot easier. And it's always nice to have someone to talk to. Captain America points. Thor and Hulk are HUGGING. THOR Hey, great job saving me from that space whale. I appreciated that. HULK Hulk appreciate your shiny hair. Batman rolls his eyes. Suddenly, there are SIRENS and POLICE CARS surround the Avengers. Two COPS jump out. COP 1 (through megaphone) AVENGERS! FREEZE! YOU'RE ALL IN BIG TROUBLE- BATMAN SEE?! Heroes will always be misunderstood loners. We operate outside the law. We are the night, we are the dark, we are- ANGLE ON: The cop, fixing his megaphone. COP 1 Heh, sorry, megaphone needed new batteries. I meant to say... YOU'RE ALL IN BIG TROUBLE... IF YOU'RE LATE FOR THE BIG PARTY THE MAYOR IS THROWING IN YOUR HONOR! (beat) THE CREEPY GUY IN THE BATSUIT CAN COME TOO IF HE WANTS. Batman face palms. The Avengers run past him. HULK HULK LOVE PARADES! CAPTAIN AMERICA Come on, Bats, it will be fun! BATMAN Fun?! FUN!? Being a superhero isn't supposed to be FUN WITH YOUR FRIENDS! It's an OBLIGATION! It's a SACRED MISSION! It's... It's... STOP PLAYING VOLLEYBALL! WIDEN TO REVEAL: The Avengers have set up a net and are playing VOLLEYBALL with the cops. Batman GROWLS and exits. INT. BATCAVE Batman sits in the middle of his cave. WATER drips from the ceiling. ALFRED brings him a cup of tea. It's very quiet. BATMAN Alfred? Are you my friend? ALFRED Yes, Master Bruce. BATMAN Are you only saying that because I'm your billionaire boss? ALFRED Yes, Master Bruce. Alfred walks off. Batman SIGHS. EXT. POOL PARTY The Avengers all party in and around a luxurious pool. CAPTAIN AMERICA So that bat guy, huh? What a piece of work, huh? Batman rushes in, out of breath. BATMAN Guys! I'm tired of being angry and alone all the time! I want to have fun! I WANT TO BE AN AVENGER! The Avengers exchange awkward looks. IRON MAN Oh God, I'm so sorry, but we, like, just filled the last Avenger slot. CAPTAIN AMERICA With, uh, Invisible Man! Isn't that right Invisible Man?! ANGLE ON: An EMPTY BEACH CHAIR. Awkward beat. CAPTAIN AMERICA (CONT'D) He's totally nodding right now. BATMAN There's no Invisible Man is there? CAPTAIN AMERICA There is not. Batman SIGHS pathetically. END.