Patrick Wilson's Stock Photos

By

Josh Ruben

          INT. NICE HOUSE - DAY

          PATRICK WILSON enters frame, addressing camera.

                              PATRICK WILSON
                    Hi! I'm Broadway, film, and
                    television star Patrick Wilson. Did
                    you know that before I was in
                    Watchmen, A-Team, Insidious and A
                    Gifted Man airing on CBS Fridays at
                    9/8 central, that I worked steadily
                    as a stock photography model?

          He has a seat on a very comfortable couch. An off-screen
          HAND hands him a MUG of something hot and organic.

                              PATRICK WILSON
                    That's right. I modeled for over
                    one-hundred and thirty three
                    thousand stock photos. And now, for
                    a limited time, I'm making them
                    available on three easy-to-download
                    discs, just for you.

          Patrick flashes his million-dollar smile and holds up a BOX:
          "PATRICK WILSON'S ULTIMATE STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY COLLECTION VOL.
          1" On it: a picture of Patrick wearing khakis and shrugging.

                              PATRICK WILSON
                    Searching for that perfect stock
                    photo can be tough. Well, believe
                    me when I say: I've done them all.
                    In disc one, you'll find a series
                    of simple stock images for your
                    everyday needs. For example:

          CUT TO a slide show of several NORMAL STOCK PHOTOS.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    A regular guy going back to school.

          PHOTO 1 - Patrick wearing a BACKPACK slung over one
          shoulder, standing next to a bunch of COLLEGE KIDS.

                              PATRICK WILSON
                    A man shielding his eyes from the
                    sun, signifying leadership.

          PHOTO 2 - A beautiful photo of Patrick, back-lit by
          sunlight, making a visor with his hand.

                              PATRICK WILSON
                    And a man and woman lacing up their
                    running shoes before a workout.

          PHOTO 3 - Patrick and a WOMAN lace up sneaks, smiling.

          PATRICK IN THE CHAIR

                              PATRICK WILSON
                    In disc 2, you'll find a series of
                    unnecessarily specific stock
                    images, such as:

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    A guy spilling golf balls down the
                    steps of a federal building.

          PHOTO 4 - Patrick chasing a spilled BUCKET OF GOLF BALLS
          down the steps of just that.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    Asian businessmen giving the thumbs
                    up to camera while an American guy
                    drinks coffee.

          PHOTO 5 - Patrick sips from a plain white MUG while 10 Asian
          businessmen give the "thumbs up" to camera.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    A surgeon getting locked out of his
                    car.

          PHOTO 6 - Patrick in a surgeon's outfit, dangling a HANGER
          through the driver's side window.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    An old man scolding a giant frog.

          PHOTO 7 - Patrick dressed in a really stupid "old man
          costume" tsk-tsking what's clearly just a blown-up image of
          a frog.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    A little cowboy handing over his
                    loot to the Grim Reaper.

          PHOTO 8 - Patrick is the grim reaper, extending his hand to
          a LITTLE KID in a cowboy costume holding a money bag.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    And a soccer player kicking a large
                    teddy bear into a ficus tree.

          PHOTO 9 - Patrick wears a soccer uniform in front of a white
          cyclorama - he indeed kicks a teddy bear into a ficus tree.

          BACK TO PATRICK

          He holds up DISC 3.

                              PATRICK WILSON
                    Disc 3? You guessed it. Even MORE
                    stock photos. Again, I've done over
                    133,000 of them, so there's some
                    really specific ones in here. Such
                    as:

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    A guy in a tiger costume playing an
                    inflatable guitar in a foggy room
                    full of old people.

          PHOTO 8 - Patrick in a mascot-sized TIGER OUTFIT does just
          that in front of three very disenchanted old people.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    A guy having a birthday party with
                    cartoon snakes.

          PHOTO 9 - Patrick in a birthday hat, blowing out candles; 5
          crudely drawn CARTOON SNAKES look on.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    A detective examining a jar of
                    peanut butter in a room filled with
                    mouse traps.

          PHOTO 10 - Patrick is the detective. His eyebrows are very
          purposefully raised - this is my "inquisitive look"!

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    Five Hasidic guys dressed as joker
                    cards.

          PHOTO 11 - Patrick is the center Hasid, peyos and all.

                              PATRICK WILSON (V.O.)
                    And, my personal favorite: a
                    beekeeper giving a bear a piggyback
                    ride.

          PHOTO 12 - Patrick is the beekeeper. The bear is wearing
          SUNGLASSES.

          PATRICK IN THE CHAIR

                              PATRICK WILSON
                    These images and thousands more on
                    my discs. Buy 'em today!
          SMASH TO:

          PRODUCT SHOT: The DISCS displayed on a table. Below "Over
          133,000 pictures!" a disclaimer reads "$1.00 per picture!"
          CUT TO:

                              CHEESY ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    Buy "Patrick Wilson's Unlimited
                    Stock Photography Collection:
                    Volume 1" today! - over 133,000
                    photos! - and we'll throw in
                    "Patrick Wilson's Stock Video" DVD
                    free! Featuring "Guy's face on DNA"
                    FREE!

          STOCK VIDEO of a BLOODSTREAM. Patrick's face is superimposed
          onto hundreds of the BLOOD PLATELETS flying by.

                              PATRICK WILSON'S FACES
                    Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!