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Before he wowed us in Watchmen, he modeled for stock photos... 133,000 of them.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Shorts
By Josh Ruben
INT. NICE HOUSE - DAY PATRICK WILSON enters frame, addressing camera. PATRICK WILSON Hi! I'm Broadway, film, and television star Patrick Wilson. Did you know that before I was in Watchmen, A-Team, Insidious and A Gifted Man airing on CBS Fridays at 9/8 central, that I worked steadily as a stock photography model? He has a seat on a very comfortable couch. An off-screen HAND hands him a MUG of something hot and organic. PATRICK WILSON That's right. I modeled for over one-hundred and thirty three thousand stock photos. And now, for a limited time, I'm making them available on three easy-to-download discs, just for you. Patrick flashes his million-dollar smile and holds up a BOX: "PATRICK WILSON'S ULTIMATE STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY COLLECTION VOL. 1" On it: a picture of Patrick wearing khakis and shrugging. PATRICK WILSON Searching for that perfect stock photo can be tough. Well, believe me when I say: I've done them all. In disc one, you'll find a series of simple stock images for your everyday needs. For example: CUT TO a slide show of several NORMAL STOCK PHOTOS. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) A regular guy going back to school. PHOTO 1 - Patrick wearing a BACKPACK slung over one shoulder, standing next to a bunch of COLLEGE KIDS. PATRICK WILSON A man shielding his eyes from the sun, signifying leadership. PHOTO 2 - A beautiful photo of Patrick, back-lit by sunlight, making a visor with his hand. PATRICK WILSON And a man and woman lacing up their running shoes before a workout. PHOTO 3 - Patrick and a WOMAN lace up sneaks, smiling. PATRICK IN THE CHAIR PATRICK WILSON In disc 2, you'll find a series of unnecessarily specific stock images, such as: PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) A guy spilling golf balls down the steps of a federal building. PHOTO 4 - Patrick chasing a spilled BUCKET OF GOLF BALLS down the steps of just that. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) Asian businessmen giving the thumbs up to camera while an American guy drinks coffee. PHOTO 5 - Patrick sips from a plain white MUG while 10 Asian businessmen give the "thumbs up" to camera. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) A surgeon getting locked out of his car. PHOTO 6 - Patrick in a surgeon's outfit, dangling a HANGER through the driver's side window. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) An old man scolding a giant frog. PHOTO 7 - Patrick dressed in a really stupid "old man costume" tsk-tsking what's clearly just a blown-up image of a frog. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) A little cowboy handing over his loot to the Grim Reaper. PHOTO 8 - Patrick is the grim reaper, extending his hand to a LITTLE KID in a cowboy costume holding a money bag. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) And a soccer player kicking a large teddy bear into a ficus tree. PHOTO 9 - Patrick wears a soccer uniform in front of a white cyclorama - he indeed kicks a teddy bear into a ficus tree. BACK TO PATRICK He holds up DISC 3. PATRICK WILSON Disc 3? You guessed it. Even MORE stock photos. Again, I've done over 133,000 of them, so there's some really specific ones in here. Such as: PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) A guy in a tiger costume playing an inflatable guitar in a foggy room full of old people. PHOTO 8 - Patrick in a mascot-sized TIGER OUTFIT does just that in front of three very disenchanted old people. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) A guy having a birthday party with cartoon snakes. PHOTO 9 - Patrick in a birthday hat, blowing out candles; 5 crudely drawn CARTOON SNAKES look on. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) A detective examining a jar of peanut butter in a room filled with mouse traps. PHOTO 10 - Patrick is the detective. His eyebrows are very purposefully raised - this is my "inquisitive look"! PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) Five Hasidic guys dressed as joker cards. PHOTO 11 - Patrick is the center Hasid, peyos and all. PATRICK WILSON (V.O.) And, my personal favorite: a beekeeper giving a bear a piggyback ride. PHOTO 12 - Patrick is the beekeeper. The bear is wearing SUNGLASSES. PATRICK IN THE CHAIR PATRICK WILSON These images and thousands more on my discs. Buy 'em today! SMASH TO: PRODUCT SHOT: The DISCS displayed on a table. Below "Over 133,000 pictures!" a disclaimer reads "$1.00 per picture!" CUT TO: CHEESY ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Buy "Patrick Wilson's Unlimited Stock Photography Collection: Volume 1" today! - over 133,000 photos! - and we'll throw in "Patrick Wilson's Stock Video" DVD free! Featuring "Guy's face on DNA" FREE! STOCK VIDEO of a BLOODSTREAM. Patrick's face is superimposed onto hundreds of the BLOOD PLATELETS flying by. PATRICK WILSON'S FACES Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!!