The Wire RPG

By

Patrick Cassels

          TEXT: THE WIRE, EVIL VS. SLIGHTLY LESS EVIL, PRESS START

          A character selection screen.

          TEXT: CHOOSE YOUR CHARACTER!

          There are so many characters that each square is tiny and
          impossible to read. The cursor picks one. ZIGGY, the show's
          lamest character, pops up.

          TEXT: YOU CHOSE ZIGGY! (beat) PROBABLY ON ACCIDENT. CHOOSE
          AGAIN.

          Cursor picks a different character. DET. MCNULTY pops up.

          CARD: LEVEL 1

          INT. POLICE STATION - REGULAR GAMEPLAY

          CLOSE on an issue of the Baltimore Sun (a la Paperboy).
          Headline reads, "Crime and Drugs Rampant in Baltimore;
          Mayor: 'Our Crab Cakes Still Rock, Though'"

          McNulty, with his partner BUNK, reads the paper.

          MCNULTY: I want to clean up Baltimore, Bunk.

          BUNK: You'll need the right tools!

          TEXT: MENU > EQUIPMENT > GUN/WARRANT/WHISKEY

          The cursor selects "whiskey."

          McNulty triumphantly holds up the whiskey.

          BUNK: Were... were you even listening to me?

          LT. DANIELS enters.

          DANIELS: Be careful! The city won't waste resources on this
          case. Also want to see my abs? I'm surprisingly ripped.

          TEXT: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?: GET DRUNK/SEE DANIELS'S
          ABS/ASK "WHAT THE F*#K DID I DO?"/FIGHT SYSTEM

          Cursor selects FIGHT SYSTEM and we go into BATTLE MODE!

          Daniels and McNulty stand at one side of the screen.

          TEXT: YOU HAVE ATTACKED THE SYSTEM...

          Two dozen scary BUREAUCRATS ("the system") enter on the
          opposite side.

          TEXT: ...GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

          Corrupt senator CLAY DAVIS steps out.

          TEXT: SENATOR CLAY DAVIS USED BRIBE.

          Davis hands money to everyone in his team. They turn around.

          TEXT BOX: THE SYSTEM LOOKED THE OTHER WAY.

          CLAY DAVIS: Sheeeeee-

          Beat.

          CLAY DAVIS: -eeeeeet!

          TEXT: MENU > MCNULTY > ATTACK > GIVE A F**K

          McNulty sends an RPG like energy wave ("giving a f**k")
          toward the enemy. It bounces back and harms McNulty and
          Daniels.

          TEXT: IT WASN'T YOUR TURN TO GIVE A F**K. THE SYSTEM WINS.
          IT ALWAYS WINS. CHOOSE NEXT STAGE: THE BOAT/ANYWHERE ELSE

          The cursor quickly picks "Anywhere Else."

          TEXT: TOUGH SHIT, MCNULTY. YOU PISSED OF THE WRONG PEOPLE.

          CUT TO McNulty freezing his ass off on a police boat.

          INT. CRACK HOUSE - ITEM SHOP TRANSACTION

          MEDIUM on OMAR, badass, and BODIE, drug dealer. A chip tune
          "Farmer in the Dell" plays.

          BODIE: Hi! I'm Bodie. Would you like to buy something?

          A sad-looking cardboard drug dealer menu pops up.

          TEXT: FOR SALE: CRACK/CRACK/MANA POTION/ALL OUR DRUG MONEY

          Cursor picks "ALL OUR DRUG MONEY." BUZZ SFX.

          BODIE: Sorry, you can't have that. In fact I should probably
          shoot you for asking, motherf**ker.

          Omar points out a sawed-off shotgun at Bodie.

          Cursor picks "Drug Money" again. SUCCESS SFX!

          TEXT: YOU, AHEM, "FOUND" $10,000

          INT. CLEAN KITCHEN (FORMER CRIME SCENE) - POINT AND CLICK

          There are animations of Bunk and McNulty's faces at the bottom. 
	  Cursor clicks on a window, the floor, and fridge to 
	  "INVESTIGATE" them.

          BUNK WORD BUBBLE: F**K.

          MCNULTY WORD BUBBLE: F**K.

          BUNK WORD BUBBLE: MOTHERF**KER.

          TEXT: CRIME SOLVED! MOST MEMORABLE SCENE BONUS  1000!

          CARD: LEVEL 2

          EXT. SHIPPING PORT - REGULAR GAMEPLAY

          McNulty enters. FRANK SOBOTKA approaches him.

          FRANK SOBOTKA: Let me explain in detail how shipping works.

          TEXT: MENU > INVENTORY > WARP WHISTLE

          McNulty plays the warp whistle.

          TEXT: YOU HAVE SKIPPED LEVEL 2 AND MISSED NOTHING IMPORTANT

          CARD: LEVEL 3

          INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - BATTLE MODE

          STRINGER and MARLO, two kingpins, fight.

          TEXT: MARLO SUMMONED OMAR AND BROTHER MOUZONE.

          Omar and the uptight hit man MOUZONE join Marlo, their guns
          drawn at Stringer.

          OMAR: Oh, indeed!

          MOUZONE: Greetings and salutations.

          OMAR: (beat; then, to Mouzone) ...Shut up, man.

          TEXT: MENU > STRINGER > JOBS

          A JOB MENU (a la Final Fantasy V) opens. Cursor scrolls
          through various avatars of Stringer in random jobs
          (including DARK WIZARD). Cursor selects LEGITIMATE
          BUSINESSMAN.

          TEXT: MENU > EQUIP > 9MM/MAC-9/ROCKET LAUNCHER/NECKTIE

          Cursor first tries to equip the weapons but they are
          inactive. BUZZ SFX. Finally, cursor equips the necktie.

          STRINGER: Shit.

          Omar and Mouzone shoot Stringer.

          EXT. BROKEN DOWN BALTIMORE NEIGHBORHOOD - CHASE SCENE

          BUBBLES, a junkie, runs from several POLICE OFFICERS.

          The game pauses and the MAIN MENU (distinct from gameplay
          and battle menus) opens.

          TEXT: SETTINGS > DRUG LEGALITY > ILLEGAL/HAMSTERDAM MODE

          Cursor selects "Hamsterdam Mode" and returns to gameplay.

          The cops stop chasing Bubbles. Bubbles walks to a legit
          store labeled CRACK FOR SALE.

          TEXT BOX: BUBBLES RECEIVED SOME OF THAT WMD!  10 ADDICTION,
          -1000 EVERYTHING ELSE IN HIS LIFE

          CARD: LEVEL 4

          EXT. ABANDONED NEIGHBORHOOD - MINI GAME

          McNulty enters. PARTLOW, a gangster, scurries in like a
          pixie.

          PARTLOW: I'VE HIDDEN BODIES IN THESE ABANDONED BUILDINGS.
          CAN YOU FIND ENOUGH TO CONVINCE THE CITY TO INVESTIGATE? GO!

          A timer appears. McNulty runs around. Each time he finds a
          body there's a pleasant SFX and a "BAD PUBLICITY" meter
          rises. He finds A LOT of bodies and the meter fills up.

          TEXT: CRIME SPREE MODE UNLOCKED!

          INT. CITY HALL - REGULAR GAMEPLAY

          TOMMY CARCETTI, a politician, approaches a door labeled
          "MAYOR'S OFFICE." He tries to open it. BUZZ SFX. It's
          locked.

          TEXT: SORRY. YOU AREN'T MAYOR YET.

          MINI-GAME. Carcetti stands at the bottom of a line graph. At
          the top is CITY HALL.

          TEXT: TAP "A" TO MAKE EMPTY CAMPAIGN PROMISES.

          He rides up the line graph as the player rapidly taps A. As
          he hits certain points, empty promises appear on the graph:

          -I'LL REDUCE CRIME IN BALTIMORE.

          -I'LL REFORM THE POLICE DEPARTMENT.

          -I'M NOT ACTUALLY IRISH.

          Carcetti reaches the top. The door opens. Carcetti throws on
          a sash and sits behind the mayor's desk.

          TEXT: YOU HAVE ACHIEVED A POSITION OF POWER!

          TEXT: MENU > DISCARD ITEM > MORALITY

          CARD: LEVEL 5 - FINAL LEVEL (JUST WHEN PEOPLE WERE STARTING
          TO GET INTO IT IT, TOO)

          INT. BODEGA - BATTLE MODE

          McNulty fights Marlo, Snoop and Davis.

          MARLO: I run Baltimore now!

          DAVIS: I'll never go to jail!

          SNOOP: [Unintelligible]

          TEXT: MENU > MCNULTY > ITEM > WHISKEY

          McNulty takes out his whiskey and drinks.

          TEXT: MCNULTY DRANK WHISKEY. IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!

          McNulty passes out.

          TEXT BOX: ON HIM.

          Omar enters.

          TEXT: OMAR JOINED MCNULTY'S PARTY.

          TEXT: MENU > OMAR > ATTACK > SHOTGUN > MARLO

          Marlo steps forward to shoot. KENARD, a kid, enters.

          TEXT: A SMALL, HARMLESS CHILD HAS JOINED THE BATTLE.

          Kenard SHOOTS OMAR IN THE HEAD.

          TEXT: ...AND KILLED OMAR. MY BAD.

          FINAL TEXT: NOTHING HAS CHANGED. THE BAD GUYS WILL NOT BE
          PUNISHED. (beat) YOU'VE WON!

          The remaining characters do a victory dance.

          END.