From CH Staff on
He just figured out Blue's Clues, because he's infinitely smarter than us.
By Jenny Jaffe
INT. BLUE’S CLUES HOUSE - DAY BLUE plays happily on the floor with a bouncy ball. STEVE enters. STEVE Oh hey there, Blue! Are you playing with your bouncy ball? Blue barks happily. STEVE That sounds fun! I was just going to read this book! He pulls out a brightly colored book and sits down to read it. He doesn't notice as Blue jumps on the ball and it deflates. She makes a sad noise. STEVE Uh-oh! Blue looks sad. Let's play Blue's Clues to find out what we can do to make Blue happy! Blue jumps forward as though to put the "Blue's Clues" paw print on the screen, and instead, writes "GET SHERLOCK". STEVE Huh? Well, you know what happens now! We look for three clues, and-- The door flies open. SHERLOCK HOLMES enters. He immediately takes off his coat and gloves and tosses them aside. SHERLOCK Step aside. A title card comes up: It is basically the opening from "Sherlock", but made out of construction paper and it says "Blue's Clues" instead. Sherlock starts scanning the room. Facts about things in the room appear as he looks at them: "Mentally unstable", "made of paper", "blue dog- possibly diseased". His eyes land on the deflated ball. There is a paw print on it. OFFSCREEN KIDS A clue! SHERLOCK (Without looking up) Shut up. He goes over to the deflated ball, crouches down, and looks at it. Steve pulls out his notebook and a crayon. STEVE (Singing) We are looking for Blue's Clues, we are looking for-- SHERLOCK Incredible, you're a worse singer than you are detective. Deflated ball, nylon-plastic blend, manufactured in China-- no, Indonesia-- it's off-white so it gets dirty easily but this was brand new. STEVE But what can we do to make Blue happy? We've got a ball... He looks confused and starts to draw in his notebook. Sherlock grabs the crayon and uses it to prod the ball over. SHERLOCK It was popped deliberately but not with much force. Someone wanted this to look like an accident. STEVE (O.S.) Look! Blue's gone into this picture! On the wall is a hand-drawn picture of a little girl using a foot pump to blow up her bicycle tire. Blue is next to her. STEVE What do we do? SHERLOCK Blue skidoo, we can, too. Obviously. They both "skidoo" into the painting. INT. PICTURE - DAY Up close, there is a blue paw print on the bike pump. OFFSCREEN KIDS A clue! SHERLOCK Of course there's a clue, there's always a bloody clue. Shut them up. OFFSCREEN KIDS Over there! Sherlock wheels on the camera. SHERLOCK Don't say another word, you insufferable imbeciles. Sounds of the Offscreen Kids CRYING. He pulls out his phone. The words "Search: Nearby bike shops" appear over his phone. SHERLOCK You own a bike but this isn't a bike friendly neighborhood. You're from out of town. Where? LITTLE GIRL Well I come from a painting-- SHERLOCK In Indonesia. You brought the ball for Blue as a gift. You need her to come back with you. But you've been biting your nails, you know she never will. We're done here. INT. BLUE'S CLUES HOUSE - DAY Sherlock is already standing in the living room when Steve comes out of the picture. STEVE We still have to figure out what's wrong with Blue! The clues right now are a popped ball, a bike pump, and-- SHERLOCK Your parents died of a heroin overdose when you were a child. You blame yourself, and, to be fair, if I were them I would have needed drugs too. Something quietly breaks in Steve. He looks devastated. As Sherlock says the following monologue, a black and white sequence illustrating what he's saying plays out. SHERLOCK Blue's a failed government experiment to create a genetically superior dog; she was sent to Indonesia in an attempt to hide her but she found her way back. She's trying to cover up her past. But she can't outrun it. Back in the living room. MR. SALT (O.S.) Perhaps not. Or perhaps that's just a story I wanted you to believe. Either way it brought you here, didn't it? MR. SALT enters. Blue turns around to reveal that she's strapped to a bomb like one of Moriarty's victims. OFFSCREEN KIDS (Crying) BLUE! MR. SALT (Insane) Shut UP! Sherlock and Mr. Salt look at each other like they know they've reached a stalemate. Steve pulls out his notebook. STEVE But what was Blue trying to tell us? Sherlock knocks the notebook out of Steve's hand. END.