Your Girlfriend's Six Friends

By

Josh Ruben & Ben Joseph

          INT. BEDROOM - DAY

          YOU lay in bed and stare up at camera.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This is you.

          It's YOU! The LOWER THIRD says so!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This is your girlfriend.

          REVEAL: Your GIRLFRIEND is next to you. You both smile.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    And these are-

          TITLE CARD: YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S SIX FRIENDS

          TITLE CARD: THE POSSESSIVE ONE

          You pose for a picture with your girlfriend. 

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Nobody loves your girlfriend more
                    than you.

          CUT OUT TO REVEAL: MEGAN, smiling like a maniac and hugging
          your girlfriend around the waist.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Almost.

          FLASH! CUT TO: The picture that was just taken. Megan CUTS
          YOU OUT and puts the rest in a "BFFS!" frame.

          INT. YOUR APARTMENT

          You're making out on the couch when your girlfriend's PHONE
          RINGS. She checks the caller ID.

                              YOU
                    Megan?

          Yep. You take the phone and put it aside but, when you look
          up, Megan is STANDING BEHIND YOUR GIRLFRIEND! GAH! She holds
          the "BFF" picture and flashes a "Fatal Attraction" smile.

                              MEGAN
                    You didn't answer your phone!

                              NARRATOR
                    She seems to have issues with
                    boundaries.

          EXT. CLUB - NIGHT

          You and your girlfriend meet Megan outside a club.

                              NARRATOR
                    Except one, that is.

          Megan halts you with a "playful" slap to the face.

                              MEGAN
                    Sorry! GIRLS NIGHT!

          She drags your girlfriend inside, leaving you solo.

          Later, at BRUNCH, Megan talks shit in front of you.

                              MEGAN
                    Your boyfriend gets you all to
                    himself! He's not even FUN!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    A man can only take so much.

                              YOU
                    YOU'RE A CRAZY FRIENDSHIP PIRATE!

          Off Megan's wide-eyed reaction, you blink. Too much?

          TITLE CARD: THE GAY BFF 

          INT. CLUB

          NICK, trim and well-dressed, grinds sensually with your
          girlfriend on the dance floor.

                              NARRATOR
                    You know he's gay but... come on.

          Nick comes over and stares you up and down.

                              GAY BFF
                         (condescending)
                    There's a lot of potential here.

          INT. CLOTHES STORE

          You're shopping with Nick and your GF. Nick forcibly gives
          you some clothes. You reluctantly go to try them on.

                              NARRATOR
                    He acts like he knows everything.
                    Just because he's gay doesn't mean-

          You exit the changing room and catch yourself in the mirror.

                              NARRATOR
                    -hey, these pants actually look
                    pretty good.

          INT. CLUB

          You and Nick are now wearing the SAME OUTFIT. He drags you
          onto the dance floor to dance with him and your girlfriend.

                              NICK
                    You look so good tonight!
                         (to girlfriend)
                    Doesn't he look good?

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Yeah, you like this guy.

           You dance like you never would around your guy friends.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    But not in a gay way.

          TITLE CARD: THE ONE YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON

          INT. YOUR APARTMENT

          A PARTY. You sip a beer and stare across the room at your
          girlfriend, smiling and talking to some friends.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    There's your girl. Your soulmate.
                    The only woman you'll ever-

          Your girlfriend brings over her friend AMANDA. She's
          GORGEOUS and she's smiling at you.

                              GIRLFRIEND
                    Hey! Have you met Amanda?

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    -uh, I, uh, I mean, uh, more words.

          Across the room, your girlfriend and Amanda talk.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Why can't your girlfriend have
                    uglier friends?

          CUT TO: Amanda is now a DIRTY BEARDED HOMELESS MAN.

                              HOMELESS MAN
                    So then she says, YOU'RE being a
                    bitch!

          HOMELESS GUY makes sexy eyes at you. Huh? 

          LATER, while you're cleaning up:

                              YOUR GIRLFRIEND
                    Do you have a crush on Amanda?

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    OK. Think Kennedy. Clinton. That
                    other, less popular Kennedy.

          Suddenly, you're at a PODIUM talking with a Boston accent.

                              YOU
                    I believe both my girlfriend AND
                    her friend are equally hot... and
                    there is nothing wrong with that!

          An imaginary crowd cheers. The first notes of "Hail to The-"

                              YOU
                    Um. She's. Uh. Objectively? Or uh?
                    She's attractive. She's attractive?

          Your girlfriend stares at you.

                              YOU
                    In a slutty way! Not in a good
                    slutty way! I love you?

          An O.S. door SLAMS. You yell after her:

                              YOU
                    I wish you were friends with more
                    homeless people!

          TITLE CARD: THE GUY FRIEND

          EXT. PARK

          A game of touch football amongst friends.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    According to her, they've been
                    "BFFs forevsies".

          TREVOR, handsome, play tackles your girlfriend. They laugh.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    The inside jokes don't help.

          They harmonize-sing: "Rhinoceros faaaaarts!", pretend to
          jerk each other off, then laugh. You watch, lost.

          INT. YOUR APARTMENT

          Trevor and your girlfriend watch football while you, dressed
          in a suit like John Nash, scribble on their respective
          Facebook pages, circling questionable comments between them.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    This whole "friendship" thing
                    drives you crazy. You're feel like
                    the guy from "A Beautiful Mind".

          EXT. STREET - EVENING

          The three of you walk together. Your girlfriend holds your
          hand and kisses you in front of an unfazed Trevor.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Maybe this is OK. There are
                    different types of love, right?

          Trevor gets ready to leave. Your GF gives him a BIG HUG.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Sure, they're friends, but they'll
                    never have the raw, physical
                    attraction that you two-

          The hug's still going. Trevor and your girlfriend both SMILE
          WARMLY. You appear between them, pushing them apart.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    Oookay, that's enough.

          TITLE CARD: THE ATTENTION HOG

          OLIVIA, cute and a bit much.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    She'll do anything for attention.

          Your girlfriend and a group of girls, walking on the
          sidewalk. Olivia heaves herself into a pile of garbage.

                              OLIVIA
                    I WONDER IF THERE ARE NEEDLES IN
                    HERE!!!!!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You think she enjoys break-ups more
                    than actual relationships.

          You and your GF watch as Olivia CRIES in various locations:

                              OLIVIA
                    Mark broke up with me!

                              OLIVIA
                    Peter didn't look at me!

                              OLIVIA
                    Obama won't write back to me!

          You and your girlfriend smile, hiding concern.

                              OLIVIA
                    I'll never be as happy as YOU GUYS!

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    She has a compulsive need to share
                    her every thought and emotion.

          Olivia returns from the bathroom.

                              OLIVIA
                    O-M-G, I just took the most
                    humongoid crap!

          A thought hits you.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    It's possible you can use this.

          You talk to Olivia in a cafe:

                              YOU
                         (faux disbelief)
                    What?! What do you mean you don't
                    have a Twitter?

          You take her phone and start setting it up for her.

          Later, you happily kiss your girlfriend in peace. We pan
          over to Olivia, back in the garbage pile, on her phone:

                              OLIVIA
                    GUYS! I got five favorites on my
                    garbage needles Tweet!

          TITLE CARD: YOU

          EXT. PARK - SUNSET

          Everyone, girls and guys, is hanging out and having fun.
          Megan makes a friend with a NEW GIRL. Amanda laughs at
          Olivia. Mike play tackles Trevor. They giggle hysterically.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    You love your girlfriend. Not just
                    because she's smart, and funny, and
                    knows what a beaglepuss is, but
                    because she's your friend.

          You observe, smugly, from a picnic blanket, then look
          longingly at your girlfriend who lays next to you.

                              NARRATOR (V.O.)
                    And like any good friend, you'd do
                    anything for her. Including putting
                    up with all her other friends.
                         (beat)
                    After all, she puts up with yours.

          CHAZ, your buddy, casually approaches with a warm smile:

                              CHAZ
                    Hey, man, can you give me a ride
                    home? I just shit my pants.

          END.