Mythbusters: Does God Exist?

By

Patrick Cassels & Adam Conover

          The Mythbusters logo slams onto the screen.

          INT. MYTHBUSTERS LAB

          ADAM and JAMIE talk to GRANT, KARI and TORY. Throughout, the
          gang all act in that hokey Mythbusters way.

                              ADAM
                    Alright, guys, we've got an
                    interesting one this week. We've
                    had a lot of letters about this
                    myth. People want to know, is there
                    a God?

                              KARI
                    I think I've heard about this. It's
                    like, people have believed for
                    thousands of years there's a
                    perfect, omnipotent being that
                    created the universe...

                              JAMIE
                    I dunno, this one sounds pretty
                    dubious to me.

                              TORY
                    Hold up, Jamie, God is in a lot of
                    movies and books. All those people
                    must be onto something.

                              GRANT
                         (wryly)
                    I think we're all alone in the
                    universe.

                              ADAM
                    Okay, well, today we're going to
                    put the myth to the test.

                              NARRATOR
                    For the first step of their
                    existential escapade, Adam and
                    Jamie HIT THE BOOKS.

          INT. MYTHBUSTERS LAB - LATER

          Adam uses tongs to drop a Bible onto the lab table.

                              JAMIE
                    Whoa. What is that?

                              ADAM
                    This is the Holy Bible. According
                    to the myth, everything in this
                    book is true, and it says that God
                    exists.

                              JAMIE
                    Huh. I guess reading is good for
                    you.

          Jamie chuckles at his own (awful) joke. Beat.

                              ADAM
                    If the myth is true, we should be
                    able to recreate other stuff the
                    Bible says happened. Let's get to
                    work!

          MONTAGE of Adam and Jamie building some stuff. After, they
          return to the lab, stepping in from opposite sides.

                              ADAM
                    Now, the Bible says a man can live
                    inside a whale for three days, so
                    to test that I sent our lovable
                    dummy Buster through a large sea
                    mammal's digestive system. I'm
                    really excited to see how he turned
                    out!

          Adam turns over a bucket. Buster the dummy pours out in
          wrecked pieces, half-dissolved and COVERED IN SLIME AND
          WHALE SHIT. Adam & Jamie examine the remains very closely.

                              ADAM
                    Okay, okay, interesting. So it
                    looks like Buster was digested by
                    the stomach acid. And, wow, look at
                    all that whale shit.

                              JAMIE
                    So, it's not looking good for the
                    Bible. Guess we got more work to
                    do?

                              ADAM
                         (holding up Bible)
                    Yup! But just for fun, let's shoot
                    a bullet through this thing in
                    slow-motion. SMASH to a bullet
                    BURSTING through the Bible in
                    slow-motion.

                              NARRATOR
                    While these two bookworms desecrate
                    this holy text, Kari, Grant and
                    Tory are designing something a
                    little more, ahem, "intelligent."

          INT. ELSEWHERE IN THE LAB - LATER

                              KARI
                    Check it, guys: the myth says that
                    God created humans through
                    intelligent design. So Grant,
                    you're pretty intelligent.

                              GRANT
                         (wiggling eyebrows)
                    Why thank you, Kari.

                              TORY
                    Don't get ahead of yourself. We
                    need you to design your own human,
                    and we'll see how it compares.

          MONTAGE of Grant building a human figure using band saws,
          blow torches, and silicone molds, set to cool music.

          INT. SAME AREA - LATER

          Grant stands next to a creepy artificial PERFECT HUMAN MALE.

                              TORY
                    Nice job Grant!

                              GRANT
                    So, I designed my own human, and to
                    be honest there was a lot of room
                    for improvement, guys. I moved the
                    testicles inside the body instead
                    of out in the open, where they're
                    vulnerable. I also just got rid of
                    the appendix, which does nothing
                    but explode. And I made it so pee
                    doesn't come out of the same hole
                    you [bleep] with.

          CU of the male's dual artificial penises.

                              KARI
                    Yikes! Those are some pretty big
                    flaws. Do you guys think an
                    intelligent designer would have
                    made those mistakes?

                              GRANT
                         (shaking head "no")
                    Chalk one up for natural selection!

                              TORY
                         (super upbeat)
                    Gotta say guys, it's looking more
                    and more like our entire existence
                    is nothing more than a cosmic
                    coincidence!

          Kari and Tory do a super lame high five.

                              TORY
                    Just for fun, wanna shoot this guy
                    at a wall in slow-motion?

          SMASH to the dummy smashing against a wall in slow-mo.

                              NARRATOR
                    From intelligent de-sign to
                    intelligent de-struction! Next, the
                    gang gives Tory a heart-stopping
                    trip across the River Styx.

          In a lame animation, Jamie and Adam row a Gothic boat across
          a lake of fire.

          INT. MYTHBUSTERS LAB - LATER

          Tory is strapped into a terrifying death chair. A few yards
          away, the gang squats behind a blast shield.

                              ADAM
                         (to gang)
                    All right, we're rolling out the
                    big guns. Jamie and I have put
                    together a device that's gonna
                    briefly stop Tory's heart, then
                    start it up again. Hopefully, he'll
                    be able to tell us if there's an
                    afterlife.

                              GRANT
                    Afterlife equals God. I like it.

                              ADAM
                         (flipping a switch)
                    Bon voyage, Tory!

          Tory smiles and gives a thumbs up. THREE QUICK SHOTS of Tory
          screaming and falling limp. Everyone cheers!

                              JAMIE
                    Okay, let's bring him back.

          Adam flips the switch again. Nothing happens.

                              ADAM
                    Huh. Looks like a malfunction.

                              NARRATOR
                    Uh-oh. Turns out Adam's a better
                    executioner than an engineer.

          JUMP CUT to the cast assembled in front of Tory's corpse.

                              KARI
                    Well, looks like this experiment is
                    inconclusive.

                              ADAM
                    Hold on a second! A benevolent, all
                    powerful God would never have
                    allowed Tory to die.

                              JAMIE
                    Huh. You're right. Looks like this
                    myth is busted after all.

          A BUSTED title card smashes onto the screen.

                              KARI
                    So, I guess life is meaningless.

          They all stare silently for a second, in contemplation. A
          long beat.

                              ADAM
                    Huh. Well, just for fun, let's blow
                    up Tory's body in slow motion!

          Cut to slow-mo of Tory's body exploding hideously.

          END.