From CH Staff on
Adam and Jamie question organized religion... the fun way!
By Patrick Cassels & Adam Conover
The Mythbusters logo slams onto the screen. INT. MYTHBUSTERS LAB ADAM and JAMIE talk to GRANT, KARI and TORY. Throughout, the gang all act in that hokey Mythbusters way. ADAM Alright, guys, we've got an interesting one this week. We've had a lot of letters about this myth. People want to know, is there a God? KARI I think I've heard about this. It's like, people have believed for thousands of years there's a perfect, omnipotent being that created the universe... JAMIE I dunno, this one sounds pretty dubious to me. TORY Hold up, Jamie, God is in a lot of movies and books. All those people must be onto something. GRANT (wryly) I think we're all alone in the universe. ADAM Okay, well, today we're going to put the myth to the test. NARRATOR For the first step of their existential escapade, Adam and Jamie HIT THE BOOKS. INT. MYTHBUSTERS LAB - LATER Adam uses tongs to drop a Bible onto the lab table. JAMIE Whoa. What is that? ADAM This is the Holy Bible. According to the myth, everything in this book is true, and it says that God exists. JAMIE Huh. I guess reading is good for you. Jamie chuckles at his own (awful) joke. Beat. ADAM If the myth is true, we should be able to recreate other stuff the Bible says happened. Let's get to work! MONTAGE of Adam and Jamie building some stuff. After, they return to the lab, stepping in from opposite sides. ADAM Now, the Bible says a man can live inside a whale for three days, so to test that I sent our lovable dummy Buster through a large sea mammal's digestive system. I'm really excited to see how he turned out! Adam turns over a bucket. Buster the dummy pours out in wrecked pieces, half-dissolved and COVERED IN SLIME AND WHALE SHIT. Adam & Jamie examine the remains very closely. ADAM Okay, okay, interesting. So it looks like Buster was digested by the stomach acid. And, wow, look at all that whale shit. JAMIE So, it's not looking good for the Bible. Guess we got more work to do? ADAM (holding up Bible) Yup! But just for fun, let's shoot a bullet through this thing in slow-motion. SMASH to a bullet BURSTING through the Bible in slow-motion. NARRATOR While these two bookworms desecrate this holy text, Kari, Grant and Tory are designing something a little more, ahem, "intelligent." INT. ELSEWHERE IN THE LAB - LATER KARI Check it, guys: the myth says that God created humans through intelligent design. So Grant, you're pretty intelligent. GRANT (wiggling eyebrows) Why thank you, Kari. TORY Don't get ahead of yourself. We need you to design your own human, and we'll see how it compares. MONTAGE of Grant building a human figure using band saws, blow torches, and silicone molds, set to cool music. INT. SAME AREA - LATER Grant stands next to a creepy artificial PERFECT HUMAN MALE. TORY Nice job Grant! GRANT So, I designed my own human, and to be honest there was a lot of room for improvement, guys. I moved the testicles inside the body instead of out in the open, where they're vulnerable. I also just got rid of the appendix, which does nothing but explode. And I made it so pee doesn't come out of the same hole you [bleep] with. CU of the male's dual artificial penises. KARI Yikes! Those are some pretty big flaws. Do you guys think an intelligent designer would have made those mistakes? GRANT (shaking head "no") Chalk one up for natural selection! TORY (super upbeat) Gotta say guys, it's looking more and more like our entire existence is nothing more than a cosmic coincidence! Kari and Tory do a super lame high five. TORY Just for fun, wanna shoot this guy at a wall in slow-motion? SMASH to the dummy smashing against a wall in slow-mo. NARRATOR From intelligent de-sign to intelligent de-struction! Next, the gang gives Tory a heart-stopping trip across the River Styx. In a lame animation, Jamie and Adam row a Gothic boat across a lake of fire. INT. MYTHBUSTERS LAB - LATER Tory is strapped into a terrifying death chair. A few yards away, the gang squats behind a blast shield. ADAM (to gang) All right, we're rolling out the big guns. Jamie and I have put together a device that's gonna briefly stop Tory's heart, then start it up again. Hopefully, he'll be able to tell us if there's an afterlife. GRANT Afterlife equals God. I like it. ADAM (flipping a switch) Bon voyage, Tory! Tory smiles and gives a thumbs up. THREE QUICK SHOTS of Tory screaming and falling limp. Everyone cheers! JAMIE Okay, let's bring him back. Adam flips the switch again. Nothing happens. ADAM Huh. Looks like a malfunction. NARRATOR Uh-oh. Turns out Adam's a better executioner than an engineer. JUMP CUT to the cast assembled in front of Tory's corpse. KARI Well, looks like this experiment is inconclusive. ADAM Hold on a second! A benevolent, all powerful God would never have allowed Tory to die. JAMIE Huh. You're right. Looks like this myth is busted after all. A BUSTED title card smashes onto the screen. KARI So, I guess life is meaningless. They all stare silently for a second, in contemplation. A long beat. ADAM Huh. Well, just for fun, let's blow up Tory's body in slow motion! Cut to slow-mo of Tory's body exploding hideously. END.