Nice Try, IHOP (with Lance Reddick)

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. POLICE STATION

          Obvious actors playing DETECTIVES and SCIENTISTS "work"
          silently in the BG. LANCE REDDICK, sleeves rolled up, flips
          through a file cabinet. He looks at CAMERA and slams the the
          drawer shut.

                              LANCE REDDICK
                    They're everywhere. Mall parking
                    lots. Off the Interstate. And the
                    sickest part is: you probably don't
                    even know it...

          PHOTOS (found or PHOTOSHOPPED) of small businesses -- a
          jewelery store, a local lawyer -- with pointy blue roofs,
          like Ihops. The last photo DISSOLVES into an older photo of
          the same building, revealing it used to be an Ihop!!!

                              LANCE REDDICK (CONT'D)
                    ...Old Ihops pretending to be
                    different businesses. It's the
                    biggest God-damn scam in the
                    country, and I'm here to expose the
                    scumbags behind it, one Ihop at a
                    time. This is "Nice Try, Ihop"!

          INTRO: Crime-solving images, ending with a shot of Reddick
          leering at a current Ihop through his car window.

                              LANCE REDDICK
                         (to Ihop)
                    I'm watching you.

          His peels away. The dust clears, revealing "NICE TRY, IHOP
          with Lance Reddick." The logo is an Ihop in a Groucho mask.
          BACK IN THE STATION. Reddick awkwardly taps with the theme
          music, concentrating, waiting for his cue. The music ends.

                              LANCE REDDICK
                    I've played officers of the law on
                    shows like "The Wire" and movies
                    like "Crackers on the Case"...

          QUICK B&W STILLS form "The Wire" and "Crackers on the Case,"
          which features Reddick shrugging next to a dog in a cop hat.

                              LANCE REDDICK (CONT'D)
                    ...But "Nice Try, Ihop!" ain't no
                    storybook Hollywood fantasy. We've
                    shone the light of truth on over
                    100 Ihops-in-Disguise-hops here on
                    our 4am TruTV time slot...

          As he lists the show's old cases, we show a photo of Reddick
          doing a doofy pose in front of each business, followed by an
          EXTREME CU on Reddick delivering his catch phrase:

                              LANCE REDDICK
                         (over photo)
                    AT&T Store, outside Chicago.
                         (close up)
                    Nice try, Ihop!
                         (over photo)
                    Everything Aquarium, Austin.
                         (close up)
                    Nice try, Ihop!
                         (over photo)
                    Leslie Akhavan, DDS, Ohio.
                         (close up)
                    Great veneers, but Nice try, Ihop.
                         (over photo)
                    Fashion Bug, Newburgh, New York.

          Back on Reddick, trying to eat a blouse. He spits it out.

                              REDDICK
                    That's not a pancake. My mistake,
                    Fashion Bug.

          FLASHY TRANSITION. Back at the station, Reddick closes a
          file cabinet again and looks at CAMERA.

                              REDDICK
                    Tonight's case involves this
                    unassuming dry cleaner in North
                    Dakota. Or... is it?

          PHOTO of a dry cleaner in an old Ihop. FORENSIC GRAPHICS
          digitize onto the photo as Reddick talks:

                              LANCE REDDICK
                    Note the distinctive blue shingles.
                    Those beige walls. The steep
                    incline of the roof. Familiar?
                         (a "they never learn" laugh)
                    Nice try, Ihop! We were onto these
                    crum-bums from the start. But I
                    wanted to bust them in person.

          POV SECURITY CAMERA. Reddick enters a PLUMBING SHOWROOM
          holding a plate of pancakes. A TURKISH OWNER approaches.

                              TURKISH OWNER
                    Why you bring pancakes?

                              LANCE REDDICK
                    Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't an Ihop?

                              TURKISH OWNER
                    No. No Ihop. Bathroom fixtures.

          Reddick looks DIRECTLY UP INTO CAMERA. ZOOM IN.

                              LANCE REDDICK
                    Could've fooled me!

          BACK TO ORIGINAL SCENE. Reddick is smelling some pancakes.

                              LANCE REDDICK
                         (to himself)
                    Damn, I love pancakes.
                         (looks up at CAMERA)
                    Caught red handed! But just who are
                    all these [bleep]ing rat-finks
                    behind the frauds? I sat down for
                    an interview with an assistant
                    manager of an
                    Ihop-posing-as-a-sporting-goods-sto
                    re in Saint Paul. My goal: get
                    inside the mind of a true
                    sociopath.

          CUT TO Reddick interviewing a female sporting goods MANAGER.
          Her face is blurred and voice disguised.

                              LANCE REDDICK
                    When you wake up in the middle of
                    the night, alone with your guilt,
                    do you hear the cries of people
                    hungry for a scrumptious blintz?

                              MANAGER
                    I, um, do sporting goods. Hockey
                    sticks. Cleats. Affordably priced.
                         (ducks from behind blur)
                    Are you hiding my face?

                              LANCE REDDICK
                    You disgust me.

                              MANAGER
                    Where's my dog? You said you found
                    him. Are you real cop--

          "NICE TRY, IHOP!" slams on screen. Reddick pops into FRAME,
          points at her, and flashes a huge, satisfied grin to CAMERA.
          Beat. The manager pokes her head out again.

                              MANAGER
                    Why are you doing that?

          WEIRD TRANSITIONAL SCENE. Reddick, leaning against an OPEN
          filing cabinet, files a folder and looks up.

                              REDDICK
                    Looks like this case... is
                    "closed."

          He handcuffs himself to the open filing cabinet, as though
          this completes his pun. Beat. Reddick realizes he's stuck.

                              REDDICK
                    Ah, sh--
          FLASHY TRANSITION. BACK TO ORIGINAL SCENE.

                              LANCE REDDICK
                    People say I'm crazy for doing
                    this. I look them in the eye and
                    say, "Is justice crazy?" Then they
                    say, "No, but whatever you're doing
                    with this show is." Then I say,
                    "a-sphincter-says-what?" Then they
                    say, "What?" Then I say, "So you're
                    a sphincter?" Then they say,
                    "Whatever."
                         (beat)
                    I'm Lance Reddick. Good night.

          Reddick drinks Ihop coffee straight from the pot.

          END.