Three beers don't make you a world warrior.
By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN
TITLE SCREEN - "REAL FIGHTER II." 16-bit music plays. A
cursor goes down to select "new game." Fade out/in to-
CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Cursor moves through a grid of
characters, all of which look like toned-down, normal
versions of Street Fighter characters. He selects the lame
version of Ryu, "RYAN," a black-haired dude in a white
button down. Fade out/in to-
STAGE SELECT - Cursor flips past mundane stages - High
School Hallway, Sporting Event, Side of the Highway. He
selects "Bar." Fade out.
INT. CROWDED BAR - NIGHT
Ryan accidentally bumps a blonde dude in a red shirt, GREG
(lame version of Ken). Greg spills his vodka red bull. They
dramatically flip to opposite edges of the screen. The crowd
parts to give them space.
HEY BRO! Don't make me overreact to
that MINOR ACCIDENT!
I didn't catch what you said! But
I'm pretty sure it was an
Health bars fill above them.
3! 2! 1! ...FRONT!
Do you know who you're dealing
with? Do you EVEN KNOW?
Ryan reels back like he's been struck. His Health bar
doesn't go down.
Ooh! Tough guy! Come at me! See
what happens! Come at me!
Greg reacts the same way.
Ryan starts to take his shirt off.
SHIRT REMOVAL! MULTIPLIER!
Ryan hesitates, then pulls his shirt back down.
They start lamely fighting. During the fight, their health
bar never goes down at all. Greg shoves Ryan repeatedly.
Onscreen graphics declare it a three-hit combo.
SHOVE! SHOVE! SHOVE! SHOVE COMBO!
Ryan smacks Greg's hand, then grabs his midsection. They
both tumble to the ground.
SLAP COUNTER! REVERSAL! Take it to
They fumble clumsily on the ground.
People in the crowd start filming it with their iPhones.
Greg triggers a MARVEL VS. CAPCOM - style assist! Crazy
flashy graphics as a drunk PARTY GIRL wanders in.
ASSIST COMBO! DRUNK GIRLFRIEND TAG
She slaps RYAN on the back with her handbag.
STOP! STOP! STTOOOPPP IT! STOP!
She stumbles off the opposite side of the screen.
Greg kicks at Ryan. Ryan grabs his leg & awkwardly pulls it
up into the air. Greg swings big wild punches over Ryan's
head. They hop for a second, then both fall down again. Greg
lands on hs hip with a crunch. He pulls out some glasses.
My glasses! You asshole!
They struggle more. Sirens can be heard. A cop car is seen
pulling up through a window in the background. Greg gets
Ryan in a headlock.
Are you cool?
I'll kill you!
Are you cool? Say you're cool and
I'll let go!
I'm cool! Fine! I'm cool!
All right, good.
Greg lets him out of the headlock & turns to go. Ryan pushes
him angrily from behind. Greg stumbles and CRACKS his head
against the bar. His health bar instantly depletes to zero
and he falls the rest of the way in dramatic slow motion, a
la Street Fighter. Ryan throws his arm up in triumph.
K.O.! YOU WIN!
COPS kick in the door to the bar. 16-bit music cuts.
ON THE GROUND, NOW!
They spray mace in Ryan's face. Crowd scatters.
INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT
Ryan is in a holding cell, gearing up to fight a big TOUGH
PRISONER. Their health bars fill up above them.
LEVEL TWO. FIGHT!
Tough prisoner beats the SHIT out of Ryan.