Three beers don't make you a world warrior.
By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN TITLE SCREEN - "REAL FIGHTER II." 16-bit music plays. A cursor goes down to select "new game." Fade out/in to- CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Cursor moves through a grid of characters, all of which look like toned-down, normal versions of Street Fighter characters. He selects the lame version of Ryu, "RYAN," a black-haired dude in a white button down. Fade out/in to- STAGE SELECT - Cursor flips past mundane stages - High School Hallway, Sporting Event, Side of the Highway. He selects "Bar." Fade out. INT. CROWDED BAR - NIGHT Ryan accidentally bumps a blonde dude in a red shirt, GREG (lame version of Ken). Greg spills his vodka red bull. They dramatically flip to opposite edges of the screen. The crowd parts to give them space. GREG HEY BRO! Don't make me overreact to that MINOR ACCIDENT! RYAN I didn't catch what you said! But I'm pretty sure it was an UNFORGIVABLE INSULT! ANNOUNCER GET READY! Health bars fill above them. ANNOUNCER 3! 2! 1! ...FRONT! GREG Do you know who you're dealing with? Do you EVEN KNOW? Ryan reels back like he's been struck. His Health bar doesn't go down. RYAN Ooh! Tough guy! Come at me! See what happens! Come at me! Greg reacts the same way. Ryan starts to take his shirt off. ANNOUNCER SHIRT REMOVAL! MULTIPLIER! Ryan hesitates, then pulls his shirt back down. ANNOUNCER RECONSIDERED! They start lamely fighting. During the fight, their health bar never goes down at all. Greg shoves Ryan repeatedly. Onscreen graphics declare it a three-hit combo. ANNOUNCER SHOVE! SHOVE! SHOVE! SHOVE COMBO! Ryan smacks Greg's hand, then grabs his midsection. They both tumble to the ground. ANNOUNCER SLAP COUNTER! REVERSAL! Take it to the GROUND! They fumble clumsily on the ground. RYAN FUCK YOU! GREG FUCK YOU! RYAN FUCK YOU! People in the crowd start filming it with their iPhones. Greg triggers a MARVEL VS. CAPCOM - style assist! Crazy flashy graphics as a drunk PARTY GIRL wanders in. ANNOUNCER ASSIST COMBO! DRUNK GIRLFRIEND TAG TEAM ACTIVATE! She slaps RYAN on the back with her handbag. PARTY GIRL STOP! STOP! STTOOOPPP IT! STOP! She stumbles off the opposite side of the screen. Greg kicks at Ryan. Ryan grabs his leg & awkwardly pulls it up into the air. Greg swings big wild punches over Ryan's head. They hop for a second, then both fall down again. Greg lands on hs hip with a crunch. He pulls out some glasses. GREG My glasses! You asshole! ANNOUNCER CRITICAL STRIKE! They struggle more. Sirens can be heard. A cop car is seen pulling up through a window in the background. Greg gets Ryan in a headlock. GREG Are you cool? RYAN I'll kill you! GREG Are you cool? Say you're cool and I'll let go! RYAN I'm cool! Fine! I'm cool! GREG All right, good. Greg lets him out of the headlock & turns to go. Ryan pushes him angrily from behind. Greg stumbles and CRACKS his head against the bar. His health bar instantly depletes to zero and he falls the rest of the way in dramatic slow motion, a la Street Fighter. Ryan throws his arm up in triumph. ANNOUNCER K.O.! YOU WIN! COPS kick in the door to the bar. 16-bit music cuts. COP ON THE GROUND, NOW! They spray mace in Ryan's face. Crowd scatters. INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT Ryan is in a holding cell, gearing up to fight a big TOUGH PRISONER. Their health bars fill up above them. ANNOUNCER LEVEL TWO. FIGHT! Tough prisoner beats the SHIT out of Ryan. End.