By Owen Parsons & Emily Axford
WINDOWS DESKTOP - ANIMATION BRIAN O'NEIL HUGHES narrates in his matter-of-fact tone. BRIAN Hi, I'm Brian O'Neil Hughes and I'm a photoshop project manager. Now, we've done a couple tutorials specifically for the small business owner, like how to use clip art to make your passive aggressive sign more "fun". An example pops up of a "Your mother does NOT work here!" sign with a clip art of a wagging fingered mother. BRIAN Today I'll be teaching those of you who own Chinese Restaurants how to cook up some tasty pictures to complement your menu! A picture of Lo Mein appears. BRIAN Look at this nice plate of Lo Mein. Fresh, light, flavorful... it's not gonna work at all. For starters, this picture was taken recently. No good. We want it to look like it was taken in 1977, by someone who could barely work a camera. Let's open up our streamlined Small Business Owner Tool suite. Rather than fiddling with blur settings, now you can just select the level of competency of your photographer. He changes the slider from "Ansel Adams" down to "Dad on Vacation" down to "Baby playing with a Cameraphone." BRIAN Add some noise and grain filters... A box appears with options. He selects "sun-faded", "peeling laminate", "saucy fingerprints", "cigarette burns", "crease". He leaves some unchecked, like "tear-stained", "blood spatter", "bite mark", "cheeto dusted" BRIAN Now that's starting to look like something I'd eat too much of while watching a Bravo marathon. An attractive plate of Kung Pao chicken appears. BRIAN Great, so, how can we take a little POW! out of this Kung Pao Chicken? Heh. First problem: it looks too much like chicken. What we're gonna do is lift textures from a bunch of different animals... Pictures of a cow, golden retriever, stray cat, orphan child, etc. appear and Brian starts using the eye dropper until the chicken resembles generic Chinese food Meat. BRIAN ...until we've got that gamey, overcooked, "mystery meat" look. And just look at this spectrum of colors. It looks like everyone was invited to the party! Let's use a hue saturation to take out those healthy greens and blues, and play up those reds and yellows until we've got a nice dull shine. Like an unpopped blister. Mmm. An attractive plate of Moo Shu Pork appears. BRIAN This is a nice photo of Moo Shu Pork. But what it doesn't do is accurately depict how you're gonna feel after you eat it. A graphic appears. Brian quickly increases arrows to maximum for "bloated", "filled with regret", "need a nap". "Hungover", is decreased ever so slightly. With each change, the food just gets doused with grease and oily sfx. BRIAN Great. That's gonna really sit in your stomach. Now, what to do about this fluffy rice? Brian selects and zooms into rice on the side of the dish. BRIAN Let's add an aging filter... Brian increases "Time Spent in the Fridge" filter. BRIAN ...so that people know just how hard and gross its going to get when they forget about it for two weeks, then drunkenly try to eat it with ketchup on it. Great. A picture of Shrimp & Broccoli appears. BRIAN One thing we can play with is "Mise-en-Scene". That's an unnecessarily French way of saying "other stuff in the picture." By putting it on a white plate in front of a white background with a grease stain, we can create a climate of low expectations. Brian makes the aforementioned changes. BRIAN For those of you who're pressed for time, here's a neat shortcut: pop open our American Apparel filter... American Apparel Filters appears. BRIAN Now obviously there's a lot here you don't need. He checks and unchecks randomly, adding a unitard, a sweat band, a nude babe, each disappearing as they're unchecked. BRIAN We're only using it for the "blown out lighting", and "nagging feeling that something's not right"... He checks both off. The lighting looks blown out and the noodles are mussed into a "compromising" position. BRIAN There. Barely appetizing. Now just give it a name... "Spicy Shrimp & Broccoli" appears in a nice font. Brian changes the font to "Comic Sans (Chinatown)". The font changes and the words change to "Srimp broccoly Deluxe Taste Special So Nice : )" END.