Photoshop's New Chinese Food Tool

By

Owen Parsons & Emily Axford

          WINDOWS DESKTOP - ANIMATION

          BRIAN O'NEIL HUGHES narrates in his matter-of-fact tone.

                              BRIAN
                    Hi, I'm Brian O'Neil Hughes and I'm
                    a photoshop project manager. Now,
                    we've done a couple tutorials
                    specifically for the small business
                    owner, like how to use clip art to
                    make your passive aggressive sign
                    more "fun".

          An example pops up of a "Your mother does NOT work here!"
          sign with a clip art of a wagging fingered mother.

                              BRIAN
                    Today I'll be teaching those of you
                    who own Chinese Restaurants how to
                    cook up some tasty pictures to
                    complement your menu!

          A picture of Lo Mein appears.

                              BRIAN
                    Look at this nice plate of Lo Mein.
                    Fresh, light, flavorful... it's not
                    gonna work at all. For starters,
                    this picture was taken recently. No
                    good. We want it to look like it
                    was taken in 1977, by someone who
                    could barely work a camera. Let's
                    open up our streamlined Small
                    Business Owner Tool suite. Rather
                    than fiddling with blur settings,
                    now you can just select the level
                    of competency of your photographer.

          He changes the slider from "Ansel Adams" down to "Dad on
          Vacation" down to "Baby playing with a Cameraphone."

                              BRIAN
                    Add some noise and grain filters...

          A box appears with options. He selects "sun-faded", "peeling
          laminate", "saucy fingerprints", "cigarette burns",
          "crease". He leaves some unchecked, like "tear-stained",
          "blood spatter", "bite mark", "cheeto dusted"

                              BRIAN
                    Now that's starting to look like
                    something I'd eat too much of while
                    watching a Bravo marathon.

          An attractive plate of Kung Pao chicken appears.

                              BRIAN
                    Great, so, how can we take a little
                    POW! out of this Kung Pao Chicken?
                    Heh. First problem: it looks too
                    much like chicken. What we're gonna
                    do is lift textures from a bunch of
                    different animals...

          Pictures of a cow, golden retriever, stray cat, orphan
          child, etc. appear and Brian starts using the eye dropper
          until the chicken resembles generic Chinese food Meat.

                              BRIAN
                    ...until we've got that gamey,
                    overcooked, "mystery meat" look.
                    And just look at this spectrum of
                    colors. It looks like everyone was
                    invited to the party! Let's use a
                    hue saturation to take out those
                    healthy greens and blues, and play
                    up those reds and yellows until
                    we've got a nice dull shine. Like
                    an unpopped blister. Mmm.

          An attractive plate of Moo Shu Pork appears.

                              BRIAN
                    This is a nice photo of Moo Shu
                    Pork. But what it doesn't do is
                    accurately depict how you're gonna
                    feel after you eat it.

          A graphic appears. Brian quickly increases arrows to maximum
          for "bloated", "filled with regret", "need a nap".
          "Hungover", is decreased ever so slightly. With each change,
          the food just gets doused with grease and oily sfx.

                              BRIAN
                    Great. That's gonna really sit in
                    your stomach. Now, what to do about
                    this fluffy rice?

          Brian selects and zooms into rice on the side of the dish.

                              BRIAN
                    Let's add an aging filter...

          Brian increases "Time Spent in the Fridge" filter.

                              BRIAN
                    ...so that people know just how
                    hard and gross its going to get
                    when they forget about it for two
                    weeks, then drunkenly try to eat it
                    with ketchup on it. Great.

          A picture of Shrimp & Broccoli appears.         

                              BRIAN
                    One thing we can play with is
                    "Mise-en-Scene". That's an
                    unnecessarily French way of saying
                    "other stuff in the picture." By
                    putting it on a white plate in
                    front of a white background with a
                    grease stain, we can create a
                    climate of low expectations.

          Brian makes the aforementioned changes.

                              BRIAN
                    For those of you who're pressed for
                    time, here's a neat shortcut: pop
                    open our American Apparel filter...

          American Apparel Filters appears.

                              BRIAN
                    Now obviously there's a lot here
                    you don't need.

          He checks and unchecks randomly, adding a unitard, a sweat
          band, a nude babe, each disappearing as they're unchecked.

                              BRIAN
                    We're only using it for the "blown
                    out lighting", and "nagging feeling
                    that something's not right"...

          He checks both off. The lighting looks blown out and the
          noodles are mussed into a "compromising" position.

                              BRIAN
                    There. Barely appetizing. Now just
                    give it a name...

          "Spicy Shrimp & Broccoli" appears in a nice font. Brian
          changes the font to "Comic Sans (Chinatown)".  The font
          changes and the words change to "Srimp broccoly Deluxe Taste
          Special So Nice : )"

          END.