Hardly Working: Most Retro Video Game System Ever

By

Adam Conover

          INT. OFFICE BY THE COUCHES - NIGHT

          OWEN and KEVIN sit on the couches, controllers in hand.
          They're playing Balloon Fight. Adam plops down next to them.

                              ADAM
                    What are you guys doing?

                              OWEN
                    Just playing some retro games.

                              KEVIN
                    Yeah, kind of an All Nighter
                    ritual.

                              ADAM
                    This is retro to you? I guess I'm a
                    little older than you guys. Check
                    this out.

          He goes to grab a box.

                              OWEN
                    What's that, an Atari 2600?

                              ADAM
                    Pfft, no way man, we're going
                    old-school.

          He lifts a huge cube out of the box, and drops it onto the
          coffee table with a heavy CLANG. It looks like a Pong
          machine made out of cast iron.

                              ADAM
                    This is my original Skaris One-Bit.
                    I picked it up last time I was at
                    my parents house. This thing is a
                    classic.

                              OWEN
                    Okay, well, fire it up.

          Adam pours gasoline from a mini-gas can into a spout on top
          of the Skaris, and pulls a rip-cord like it's a lawnmower.
          The Skaris sputters but the engine doesn't turn over.

                              KEVIN
                    Uh, Adam, when is this thing from?

                              ADAM
                         (still pulling)
                    1972.

                              KEVIN
                    You were born in 1983.

                              ADAM
                    Yeah, but my grandpa found it in a
                    dumpster and fixed it up for me. I
                    used to play this thing for hours.
                         (pulling)
                    THERE we go!

          The engine finally growls to life. BRUM-RUM-RUM-RUM-RUM!
          Adam takes two giant alligator clamps and plugs them into
          the TV. Sparks fly and the lights in the room flicker and
          dim.

          As Kevin and Owen look around with concern, Adam tosses two
          heavy jagged metal controllers -- just slabs of metal with
          huge joysticks projecting from them -- into their laps,
          knocking the wind out of them.

                              OWEN
                         (catching his breath)
                    UGH! These are enormous!

                              ADAM
                    Yeah, and so responsive, right?
                    Okay, this game is epic. It's
                    called The Rime of God-King
                    Gilgamesh. You voyage across the
                    land of Uruk on the back of the
                    Bull of Heaven, searching for the
                    your love, the fallen goddess
                    Ishtar.

                              KEVIN
                    Sounds cool.

          They turn to look at the game. On screen, two huge WHITE
          SQUARES sit next to each other as BLARING ONE-BIT MUSIC
          plays. 

          Owen covers his ears.

                              OWEN
                    Gah!

                              KEVIN
                    Okay, what do I do now?

                              ADAM
                    It's up to you. This game is
                    totally open-world.

          Kevin pushes the joystick up. The left square, which was in
          the middle, is now at the top of the screen. Nothing else
          changes.

                              KEVIN
                    What's the framerate -- two?

                              ADAM
                    Impressive for the time, right?
                    This game was actually banned for
                    how violent it is.

          On screen, a dot moves slowly from the right square to the
          left square. The left square turns red. BREEEEEEEEP.

                              KEVIN
                    This game sucks.

                              ADAM
                    Okay, well it also has text
                    adventures.

          Adam pops open the front of the Skaris. Inside is a black
          waxy tube that looks like an Edison phonograph cylinder. He
          slots a new tube in and turns the machine back on.

          The screen is filled with just the word "CAVE" in giant,
          super-pixelated text.

                              ADAM
                    Man, the descriptions are so lush.
                    They really put you there.

                              OWEN
                    What now?

                              ADAM
                    Just enter a compass direction.

          Owen pushes up on the joystick. Giant letters cycle through
          on the screen in alphabetical order. It takes a long time.
          When he finally gets to "N" he presses the button. After a
          long moment, the screen is filled with the word "HOUSE."

                              ADAM
                    Okay, now we need to vent the steam
                    valves.

                              OWEN
                    Which button is that?

                              ADAM
                    Not in the game. On the Skaris. If
                    we don't vent the steam valves
                    it'll explode.

          Adam pops up some flaps on the valves on the Skaris and
          piping hot steam escapes, burning Adam's hand.

                              ADAM
                    Ouch! Fuck.

                              OWEN
                    Yeah, I don't think these games
                    really hold up dude.

                              ADAM
                    Okay, you like Goldeneye, right?

          He starts replacing the Edison cylinder with a new game.

                              KEVIN
                    There's a Skaris game based on the
                    movie? Even better. The book.

          He flips the game on. A WHITE SQUARE appears, and starts
          flashing, to another BLARING one-bit chip beat. Adam pulls
          out a paperback copy of Goldeneye.

                              ADAM
                    You count the number of flashes,
                    then you read that page of the
                    book!
                         (reading the book)
                    Oh, man, proximity mine!

                              OWEN
                    Can we at least turn the music
                    down?

                              ADAM
                    No way, the soundtrack is the best
                    part! This awesome ska-punk band in
                    Cleveland covered it.

          He holds up a CD by "SKAris" - "One-Bit Symphonies"

          In the background, the Skaris is getting hotter and hotter
          and starting to shake.

                              KEVIN
                    We gotta go man. See you later.

          Adam is wearing an enormously heavy metal visor that
          threatens to pull his head to the ground.

                              ADAM
                    But I haven't even showed you the
                    peripherals yet!

          Behind him the Skaris shudders and starts beeping.

                              ADAM
                    Oh shi --

          The Skaris EXPLODES.

          END.