A Minecraft player meets his worst nightmare: pixelated hippies.
By Owen Parsons
EXT. MINECRAFT WORLD - DAY
The square sun rises over the horizon. DAVE, A Minecraft
player, cheerfully stretches and opens his front door.
Good morning, Minecraft!
A ring of protesters forms a human chain in front of the
Uh, excuse me, guys? I have a lot
of work to do before the sun goes
down, so if you could move...
Oh? And what 'work' is that,
earth-killer? Chopping down another
forest? Damming up a precious
river? You're a monster!
Environmentalists angrily shout "monster."
Guys, c'mon. I'm just a regular guy
trying to build a shelter to keep
out the zombies.
You call THAT a SHELTER?
Pan to reveal MASSIVE castle towering above them. The word
'DAVE' is spelled in giant flaming lava letters on the side.
Well not yet, it's obviously not
Unlike you, we live in harmony with
the land. Tony lives in a
three-block-deep hole in the ground
and only eats mushroom broth. How
you doing, Tony?
Real sick. But proud.
Guys, I worked really hard on my
house. I have a right to enjoy it.
Oh, sure. And what exactly was
wrong with your last house?
Widen to reveal an abandoned castle thirty feet from the
Dave's current one.
Yeah, a spider got in that one. I
can hear it, but I don't know where
it is. Gives me the creeps.
When will people like you learn?
This world isn't MINEcraft. It's
OURScraft. We should share in the
beauty of nature, not bulldoze it
to build more castles!
Hey, I'm not just making castles.
I'm making the world a better
place. Here, I'll prove it to you.
Step onboard the Dave Coaster.
Pan right to reveal a minecart & track. "DAVE COASTER" is
written above it in the same giant lava letters.
EXT. MINECRAFT WORLD - COASTER TRACK
Dave & the environmentalists ride on a series of minecarts
across the track. Minecraft scenery whips by.
Environmentalists fall silent.
As you can see, I've brought roller
coasters to a world that was
desperately in need of them.
This entire area used to be
Would you rather have wetlands, or
VIDEO GAME SPRITE VALLEY!
They pass by a series of GIANT video game sprite
And coming up on your left, a
working calculator, powered
entirely by precious redstone ore!
The coaster parks by a huge flat expanse of stone, covered
in redstone circuitry. A giant screen reads: "2+3= "
How many caves did you have to dig
up to get that much redstone?
At a guess? All of them. But ask
yourself this: was it worth it?
He steps off the train and pulls a switch. Long grinding
noise. "2+3= " changes to "2+3=8"
Hm. Probably should have read a
wiki or something.
Those caves were an vital breeding
ground for native species!
What, you mean cave monsters? Don't
worry, I took care of them.
INT. MINECRAFT UNDERGROUND FACILITY
Skeletons & other monsters are milling about. Dave and the
environmentalists watch them through glass.
See? I built a protected spawning
ground for creepers, skeletons,
spiders- all cave monsters.
Oh! That's... actually pretty
environmentally considerate. I-
Hey, where are they going?
The monsters are all falling into a stream where they're
carried away into another room.
Cut to: the kill-room of a massive MOB-FARMER, an assembly
line designed to kill enemies and harvest items from their
OH MY GOD!
And this is where I kill the
monsters and harvest raw materials
from their burning corpses. Pretty
This is the worst thing I have ever
seen. You built a genocide factory!
Hey, if you can think of more
efficient way that doesn't involve
mass-murder, I'm all ears.
This ends now! Come, my brothers!
We will break this cycle of murder!
They smash the glass between them and the monsters.
Environmentalist tenderly reaches down and pulls a Creeper
out of the furnace. The Creeper hisses threateningly.
Shh, shh... don't worry, buddy.
You're safe now.
Creeper stops hissing.
Don't mention it-
Creeper EXPLODES, killing everyone.
Title Card: Cartoony "Hooty the Owl"-style Creeper standing
in a blocky minecraft forest.
Text: Hissy the Creeper Says: "Give a Crap! Don't