Minecraft Environmentalists

By

Owen Parsons

          EXT. MINECRAFT WORLD - DAY

          The square sun rises over the horizon. DAVE, A Minecraft
          player, cheerfully stretches and opens his front door.

                              DAVE
                    Good morning, Minecraft!

          A ring of protesters forms a human chain in front of the
          door.

                              DAVE
                    Uh, excuse me, guys? I have a lot
                    of work to do before the sun goes
                    down, so if you could move...

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Oh? And what 'work' is that,
                    earth-killer? Chopping down another
                    forest? Damming up a precious
                    river? You're a monster!

          Environmentalists angrily shout "monster."

                              DAVE
                    Guys, c'mon. I'm just a regular guy
                    trying to build a shelter to keep
                    out the zombies.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    You call THAT a SHELTER?

          Pan to reveal MASSIVE castle towering above them. The word
          'DAVE' is spelled in giant flaming lava letters on the side.

                              DAVE
                    Well not yet, it's obviously not
                    finished.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Unlike you, we live in harmony with
                    the land. Tony lives in a
                    three-block-deep hole in the ground
                    and only eats mushroom broth. How
                    you doing, Tony?

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 2
                    Real sick. But proud.

                              DAVE
                    Guys, I worked really hard on my
                    house. I have a right to enjoy it.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Oh, sure. And what exactly was
                    wrong with your last house?

          Widen to reveal an abandoned castle thirty feet from the
          Dave's current one.

                              DAVE
                    Yeah, a spider got in that one. I
                    can hear it, but I don't know where
                    it is. Gives me the creeps.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    When will people like you learn?
                    This world isn't MINEcraft. It's
                    OURScraft. We should share in the
                    beauty of nature, not bulldoze it
                    to build more castles!

                              DAVE
                    Hey, I'm not just making castles.
                    I'm making the world a better
                    place. Here, I'll prove it to you.
                    Step onboard the Dave Coaster.

          Pan right to reveal a minecart & track. "DAVE COASTER" is
          written above it in the same giant lava letters.

          EXT. MINECRAFT WORLD - COASTER TRACK

          Dave & the environmentalists ride on a series of minecarts
          across the track. Minecraft scenery whips by.

                              ENVIRONTMENTALISTS
                    Wheeee!

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Stop it!

          Environmentalists fall silent.

                              DAVE
                    As you can see, I've brought roller
                    coasters to a world that was
                    desperately in need of them.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    This entire area used to be
                    wetlands!

                              DAVE
                    Would you rather have wetlands, or
                    VIDEO GAME SPRITE VALLEY!

          They pass by a series of GIANT video game sprite
          sculptures.    

                              ENVIRONTMENTALISTS
                    Ooooh!

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Wetlands!

                              DAVE
                    And coming up on your left, a
                    working calculator, powered
                    entirely by precious redstone ore!

          The coaster parks by a huge flat expanse of stone, covered
          in redstone circuitry. A giant screen reads: "2+3= "

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    How many caves did you have to dig
                    up to get that much redstone?

                              DAVE
                    At a guess? All of them. But ask
                    yourself this: was it worth it?

          He steps off the train and pulls a switch. Long grinding
          noise. "2+3= " changes to "2+3=8"

                              DAVE
                    Hm. Probably should have read a
                    wiki or something.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Those caves were an vital breeding
                    ground for native species!

                              DAVE
                    What, you mean cave monsters? Don't
                    worry, I took care of them.

                              ENVIRONEMTALIST 1
                    Oh no...

          INT. MINECRAFT UNDERGROUND FACILITY

          Skeletons & other monsters are milling about. Dave and the
          environmentalists watch them through glass.

                              DAVE
                    See? I built a protected spawning
                    ground for creepers, skeletons,
                    spiders- all cave monsters.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Oh! That's... actually pretty
                    environmentally considerate. I-

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 2
                    Hey, where are they going?

          The monsters are all falling into a stream where they're
          carried away into another room.

          Cut to: the kill-room of a massive MOB-FARMER, an assembly
          line designed to kill enemies and harvest items from their
          corpses.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    OH MY GOD!

                              DAVE
                    And this is where I kill the
                    monsters and harvest raw materials
                    from their burning corpses. Pretty
                    impressive, huh?

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    This is the worst thing I have ever
                    seen. You built a genocide factory!

                              DAVE
                    Hey, if you can think of more
                    efficient way that doesn't involve
                    mass-murder, I'm all ears.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    This ends now! Come, my brothers!
                    We will break this cycle of murder!

          They smash the glass between them and the monsters.

                              DAVE
                    NO!

          Environmentalist tenderly reaches down and pulls a Creeper
          out of the furnace. The Creeper hisses threateningly.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Shh, shh... don't worry, buddy.
                    You're safe now.

          Creeper stops hissing.

                              CREEPER
                         (whispering)
                    Thank you.

                              ENVIRONMENTALIST 1
                    Don't mention it-

          Creeper EXPLODES, killing everyone.

          Title Card: Cartoony "Hooty the Owl"-style Creeper standing
          in a blocky minecraft forest.

          Text: Hissy the Creeper Says: "Give a Crap! Don't
          over-craft!"

          End.