From CH Staff on
A Minecraft player meets his worst nightmare: pixelated hippies.
By Owen Parsons
EXT. MINECRAFT WORLD - DAY The square sun rises over the horizon. DAVE, A Minecraft player, cheerfully stretches and opens his front door. DAVE Good morning, Minecraft! A ring of protesters forms a human chain in front of the door. DAVE Uh, excuse me, guys? I have a lot of work to do before the sun goes down, so if you could move... ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Oh? And what 'work' is that, earth-killer? Chopping down another forest? Damming up a precious river? You're a monster! Environmentalists angrily shout "monster." DAVE Guys, c'mon. I'm just a regular guy trying to build a shelter to keep out the zombies. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 You call THAT a SHELTER? Pan to reveal MASSIVE castle towering above them. The word 'DAVE' is spelled in giant flaming lava letters on the side. DAVE Well not yet, it's obviously not finished. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Unlike you, we live in harmony with the land. Tony lives in a three-block-deep hole in the ground and only eats mushroom broth. How you doing, Tony? ENVIRONMENTALIST 2 Real sick. But proud. DAVE Guys, I worked really hard on my house. I have a right to enjoy it. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Oh, sure. And what exactly was wrong with your last house? Widen to reveal an abandoned castle thirty feet from the Dave's current one. DAVE Yeah, a spider got in that one. I can hear it, but I don't know where it is. Gives me the creeps. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 When will people like you learn? This world isn't MINEcraft. It's OURScraft. We should share in the beauty of nature, not bulldoze it to build more castles! DAVE Hey, I'm not just making castles. I'm making the world a better place. Here, I'll prove it to you. Step onboard the Dave Coaster. Pan right to reveal a minecart & track. "DAVE COASTER" is written above it in the same giant lava letters. EXT. MINECRAFT WORLD - COASTER TRACK Dave & the environmentalists ride on a series of minecarts across the track. Minecraft scenery whips by. ENVIRONTMENTALISTS Wheeee! ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Stop it! Environmentalists fall silent. DAVE As you can see, I've brought roller coasters to a world that was desperately in need of them. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 This entire area used to be wetlands! DAVE Would you rather have wetlands, or VIDEO GAME SPRITE VALLEY! They pass by a series of GIANT video game sprite sculptures. ENVIRONTMENTALISTS Ooooh! ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Wetlands! DAVE And coming up on your left, a working calculator, powered entirely by precious redstone ore! The coaster parks by a huge flat expanse of stone, covered in redstone circuitry. A giant screen reads: "2+3= " ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 How many caves did you have to dig up to get that much redstone? DAVE At a guess? All of them. But ask yourself this: was it worth it? He steps off the train and pulls a switch. Long grinding noise. "2+3= " changes to "2+3=8" DAVE Hm. Probably should have read a wiki or something. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Those caves were an vital breeding ground for native species! DAVE What, you mean cave monsters? Don't worry, I took care of them. ENVIRONEMTALIST 1 Oh no... INT. MINECRAFT UNDERGROUND FACILITY Skeletons & other monsters are milling about. Dave and the environmentalists watch them through glass. DAVE See? I built a protected spawning ground for creepers, skeletons, spiders- all cave monsters. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Oh! That's... actually pretty environmentally considerate. I- ENVIRONMENTALIST 2 Hey, where are they going? The monsters are all falling into a stream where they're carried away into another room. Cut to: the kill-room of a massive MOB-FARMER, an assembly line designed to kill enemies and harvest items from their corpses. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 OH MY GOD! DAVE And this is where I kill the monsters and harvest raw materials from their burning corpses. Pretty impressive, huh? ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 This is the worst thing I have ever seen. You built a genocide factory! DAVE Hey, if you can think of more efficient way that doesn't involve mass-murder, I'm all ears. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 This ends now! Come, my brothers! We will break this cycle of murder! They smash the glass between them and the monsters. DAVE NO! Environmentalist tenderly reaches down and pulls a Creeper out of the furnace. The Creeper hisses threateningly. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Shh, shh... don't worry, buddy. You're safe now. Creeper stops hissing. CREEPER (whispering) Thank you. ENVIRONMENTALIST 1 Don't mention it- Creeper EXPLODES, killing everyone. Title Card: Cartoony "Hooty the Owl"-style Creeper standing in a blocky minecraft forest. Text: Hissy the Creeper Says: "Give a Crap! Don't over-craft!" End.