From CH Staff on
Pat, Dan and Owen will end his reign of terror, or cry trying.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. OFFICE - NOLL HOLE DAN and OWEN enter. DAN Are you sure Pat said to meet us here? OWEN Me? I thought he told YOU. DAN (beat) Wait you're right. He did tell me. PAT slips in through the door behind them. PAT Owen. Dan. Thank you for coming. What I'm about to say to you will blow your minds: I have invented a time machine! OWEN That's incredible! DAN Let's go back and write Beatles songs before the Beatles do! OWEN Dibs on "Piggies!" PAT No no, I invented it to make the world a better place. That's why I'm going to go back and kill Adolf Hitler. OWEN/DAN Wowwwwww. PAT I've parked the machine in Ricky's office. When I return, I will have saved millions of lives. Pat backs out, a steely look in his eyes. TITLE CARD: 5 MINUTES LATER Pat re-enters the room with a black eye and a bloody nose. OWEN Welcome back, Hitler-Killer! What was killing Hitler like? PAT I- I don't want to talk about it. DAN What happened to your eye? And your nose? And your confidence? PAT He beat me up, okay? DAN (giggling) Hitler beat you up? PAT He's really tall, alright? Like 5'8". And he's got a good reach. OWEN Why did you think it would be easy to beat up Hitler in the first place? Let alone kill him? PAT I didn't think that far ahead, you turd! DAN Wait, guys, we have a TIME MACHINE? Why don't we just go back to when he was a kid. Then kill him. PAT Great idea, Dan! Okay, so I'll- DAN No no, you had your chance. Now it's Gurewitch Hitler Bashin' Time! Dan runs out of the room, cackling. TITLE CARD: 5 MINUTES LATER Dan stumbles back in. His pants are around his ankles and there's a raspberry on his elbow. He is crying a little. PAT Dan? Are you okay? DAN Freaking kid Hitler! OWEN Relax, Dan. What happened? DAN K, so I was totally about to kill kid Hitler. I found him hanging in this parking lot. I was like, "Hey are you Hitler?" And he was like, "That's my name don't wear it out!" PAT Psh, he would say that. (rolling his eyes) Hitler. OWEN So how did you kill him? DAN Well, hold on. I was totally about to. But he had one of his jerk friends kneel down behind me and he shoved me down. Look at my elbow! It's legit SCRAPED! OWEN Dan, he was only 13 years old. DAN Thirteen and a half. PAT Why are your pants down? DAN Because Hitler made me pull them down and swear not to pull them up until I got home. OWEN That's it. Hitler playtime is over. Owen pulls out a sophisticated MACHINE GUN. PAT Where did you get that? OWEN Koreatown. Whatever Hitler's done before is none of my business, but now he's totally crossed the line. He's a dead man. Or, as the Germans would say, "seifenschale." SUBTITLE: "...soapdish." TITLE CARD: 5 MINUTES LATER Owen runs in, panicked, empty handed. OWEN He stole it! Hitler stole my gun! DAN What? OWEN I went back and found 6-year-old Hitler. I was so going to shoot him, right? But then--the ONE second I wasn't paying attention--he snatched my gun! PAT Nice going, Owen! Now Hitler has a machine gun. What, d'ya tell him how to make a nuclear bomb, too? Owen scratches the back of his head. PAT YOU DIDN'T! OWEN He put me in a nasty-ass headlock! I had to tell him something! DAN Anything else? OWEN Well he also wanted my name. He said when he... oh no... Owen grabs a GLOBE off the desk and examines it. CLOSE on Germany: the capital reads "Owen Sux." OWEN Aw man! He really did it! PAT Did what? OWEN (sighs) He said once he became Chancellor of Germany he was gonna rename Berlin "Owen Sux." Man, name ONE PERSON who's gotten screwed over by Hitler more than me, amiright?! PAT Well, I guess I should destroy the time machine before we do any more damage to history. OWEN Oh, you'll have to shut it down first. I left it on. PAT Owen, never leave the machine on! OWEN What? Is that bad? EMILY runs to the door. People in the BR are running. EMILY Guys, kid Hitler is here, and I think he's PISSED. A FIST knocks Emily out. REVEAL PUNK-KID HITLER at the door. He pounds his fist into his hand. PUNK-KID HITLER (subtitled in German) You guys are dead meat! Pat, Dan and Owen SCREAM. END.