Hardly Working: Killing Hitler

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. OFFICE - NOLL HOLE

          DAN and OWEN enter.

                              DAN
                    Are you sure Pat said to meet us
                    here?

                              OWEN
                    Me? I thought he told YOU.

                              DAN
                         (beat)
                    Wait you're right. He did tell me.

          PAT slips in through the door behind them.

                              PAT
                    Owen. Dan. Thank you for coming.
                    What I'm about to say to you will
                    blow your minds: I have invented a
                    time machine!

                              OWEN
                    That's incredible!

                              DAN
                    Let's go back and write Beatles
                    songs before the Beatles do!

                              OWEN
                    Dibs on "Piggies!"

                              PAT
                    No no, I invented it to make the
                    world a better place. That's why
                    I'm going to go back and kill Adolf
                    Hitler.

                              OWEN/DAN
                    Wowwwwww.

                              PAT
                    I've parked the machine in Ricky's
                    office. When I return, I will have
                    saved millions of lives.

          Pat backs out, a steely look in his eyes.

          TITLE CARD: 5 MINUTES LATER

          Pat re-enters the room with a black eye and a bloody nose.

                              OWEN
                    Welcome back, Hitler-Killer! What
                    was killing Hitler like?

                              PAT
                    I- I don't want to talk about it.

                              DAN
                    What happened to your eye? And your
                    nose? And your confidence?

                              PAT
                    He beat me up, okay?

                              DAN
                         (giggling)
                    Hitler beat you up?

                              PAT
                    He's really tall, alright? Like
                    5'8". And he's got a good reach.

                              OWEN
                    Why did you think it would be easy
                    to beat up Hitler in the first
                    place? Let alone kill him?

                              PAT
                    I didn't think that far ahead, you
                    turd!

                              DAN
                    Wait, guys, we have a TIME MACHINE?
                    Why don't we just go back to when
                    he was a kid. Then kill him.

                              PAT
                    Great idea, Dan! Okay, so I'll-

                              DAN
                    No no, you had your chance. Now
                    it's Gurewitch Hitler Bashin' Time!

          Dan runs out of the room, cackling.

          TITLE CARD: 5 MINUTES LATER

          Dan stumbles back in. His pants are around his ankles and
          there's a raspberry on his elbow. He is crying a little.

                              PAT
                    Dan? Are you okay?

                              DAN
                    Freaking kid Hitler!

                              OWEN
                    Relax, Dan. What happened?

                              DAN
                    K, so I was totally about to kill
                    kid Hitler. I found him hanging in
                    this parking lot. I was like, "Hey
                    are you Hitler?" And he was like,
                    "That's my name don't wear it out!"

                              PAT
                    Psh, he would say that.
                         (rolling his eyes)
                    Hitler.

                              OWEN
                    So how did you kill him?

                              DAN
                    Well, hold on. I was totally about
                    to. But he had one of his jerk
                    friends kneel down behind me and he
                    shoved me down. Look at my elbow!
                    It's legit SCRAPED!

                              OWEN
                    Dan, he was only 13 years old.

                              DAN
                    Thirteen and a half.

                              PAT
                    Why are your pants down?

                              DAN
                    Because Hitler made me pull them
                    down and swear not to pull them up
                    until I got home.

                              OWEN
                    That's it. Hitler playtime is over.

          Owen pulls out a sophisticated MACHINE GUN.

                              PAT
                    Where did you get that?

                              OWEN
                    Koreatown. Whatever Hitler's done
                    before is none of my business, but
                    now he's totally crossed the line.
                    He's a dead man. Or, as the Germans
                    would say, "seifenschale."

          SUBTITLE: "...soapdish."

          TITLE CARD: 5 MINUTES LATER

          Owen runs in, panicked, empty handed.

                              OWEN
                    He stole it! Hitler stole my gun!

                              DAN
                    What?

                              OWEN
                    I went back and found 6-year-old
                    Hitler. I was so going to shoot
                    him, right? But then--the ONE
                    second I wasn't paying
                    attention--he snatched my gun!

                              PAT
                    Nice going, Owen! Now Hitler has a
                    machine gun. What, d'ya tell him
                    how to make a nuclear bomb, too?

          Owen scratches the back of his head.

                              PAT
                    YOU DIDN'T!

                              OWEN
                    He put me in a nasty-ass headlock!
                    I had to tell him something!

                              DAN
                    Anything else?

                              OWEN
                    Well he also wanted my name. He
                    said when he... oh no...

          Owen grabs a GLOBE off the desk and examines it. CLOSE on
          Germany: the capital reads "Owen Sux."

                              OWEN
                    Aw man! He really did it!

                              PAT
                    Did what?

                              OWEN
                         (sighs)
                    He said once he became Chancellor
                    of Germany he was gonna rename
                    Berlin "Owen Sux." Man, name ONE
                    PERSON who's gotten screwed over by
                    Hitler more than me, amiright?!

                              PAT
                    Well, I guess I should destroy the
                    time machine before we do any more
                    damage to history.

                              OWEN
                    Oh, you'll have to shut it down
                    first. I left it on.

                              PAT
                    Owen, never leave the machine on!

                              OWEN
                    What? Is that bad?

          EMILY runs to the door. People in the BR are running.

                              EMILY
                    Guys, kid Hitler is here, and I
                    think he's PISSED.

          A FIST knocks Emily out. REVEAL PUNK-KID HITLER at the door.
          He pounds his fist into his hand.

                              PUNK-KID HITLER
                         (subtitled in German)
                    You guys are dead meat!

          Pat, Dan and Owen SCREAM.

          END.