Breaking Dawn Cheating Outtakes

By

Dan Gurewitch

          TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PT. II DVD SPECIAL FEATURES SCREEN

          MENU reads: DELETED SCENES, OUTTAKES, MAKING OF, LIP BITES,
          LIP SMACKS. A CURSOR selects "OUTTAKES."

          INT. "TWILIGHT" FILM SET - VARIOUS LOCATIONS

          NOTE: Quick cuts. Between each, brief BARS & TONE. Unless
          specifically noted, locations can be anything vaguely
          Twilight: dark corners, by moonlit windows, next to trees.

          KRISTEN STEWART and ROBERT PATTINSON (as Bella and Edward)
          sit on the edge of a bed. Intense melodrama.

                              KRISTEN
                    Edward, I love you. You're all that
                    I want, only you, forever.

          Robert bursts out laughing, tinged with an attitude.

                              ROBERT
                    I'm sorry! I just can't!

          Kristen rolls her eyes, exasperated.

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    CUT! Robert, try to keep your
                    personal life out of this.

                              ROBERT
                         (gathering himself)
                    You're right. I'm sorry.

                                                          CUT TO:

          The bedroom scene again.

                              KRISTEN
                    Edward, I love you. You're all that
                    I want, only you... forever.

          Long pause. Robert reaches his hand slowly, tenderly towards
          her face, as if to caress her cheek... then FLICKS HER EAR.

                              KRISTEN
                    OW!

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    CUT!

                                                          CUT TO:

                              KRISTEN
                    So you're saying... I'm a vampire
                    now?

                              ROBERT
                    No, just a bitch.

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    CUT!

                                                          CUT TO:

                              KRISTEN
                    I'm sorry, I keep messing up that
                    line. Can I have a cue card?

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    Cue card please!

                              ROBERT
                         (super subtle)
                    You sure? You don't think that's,
                    you know, cheating?

                              KRISTEN
                    You're embarrassing yourself.

                              ROBERT
                         (super immature mocking tone)
                    "Yerembarrassingyerself, bluhhh."

                                                          CUT TO:

          Robert and Kristen kiss passionately. Suddenly, Kristen
          screams in pain.

                              KRISTEN
                    Ah!

          WIDEN TO REVEAL:

                              KRISTEN
                    He's giving me a titty twister!

                                                          CUT TO:

          The forest. Robert frantically motions to an O.S. Kristen.

                              ROBERT
                    Bella! RUN!

          As Kristen runs into frame, Robert sticks out his foot and
          TRIPS HER. She gets up, angrily.

                              KRISTEN
                    Are you a child?

                              ROBERT
                         (faux innocent)
                    Me, what? Look at this- someone
                    left a wad of gaff tape on the
                    ground. Let's be professional,
                    people.

                                                          CUT TO:

                              ROBERT
                    Listen, the Volturi want to kill
                    Renesmee, so we have to whore do
                    something!

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    CUT!

                              ROBERT
                    Why?

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    You tried to sneak the word "whore"
                    into your line. We all heard it.

                                                          CUT TO:

          A YOUNG VAMPIRE points at Bella, angrily. (No Robert.)

                              VAMPIRE
                    Bella, we will claim your soul!

          Robert pops out from behind a set object, helpfully.

                              ROBERT
                    No, yeah, she doesn't have one of
                    those.

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    CUT! You're not even in this scene!

                                                          CUT TO:

          At a GROUP DINNER, Robert raises a glass of wine.

                              ROBERT
                    I propose a toast. To Bella!

          He SPILLS the wine all over Kristen.

                              KRISTEN
                    REALLY?!

                              ROBERT
                         (leaning into her face, dead
                         serious)
                    WHOOPS.

                                                          CUT TO:

                              KRISTEN
                    I can't believe I just drank blood.

                              ROBERT
                    How did it taste?

          Kristen looks at Robert confused: "What?"

                              ROBERT
                         (whispering)
                    I'm improvising, just go with it.
                         (acting)
                    How did it taste?

                              KRISTEN
                    Warm, salty.

                              ROBERT
                    SO PRETTY MUCH LIKE THAT
                    DIRECTOR'S- 

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    CUT!

                                                          CUT TO:

                              ROBERT
                         (walking towards camera)
                    I can make out with a director too.
                    Bill, c'mere.

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                    Robert, don't do this.

                              ROBERT
                    No, seriously. Come here and suck
                    my face.

                                                          CUT TO:

          Robert calls O.S.

                              ROBERT
                    Sorry, what was the line?

                              SCRIPT SUPERVISOR (O.S.)
                    "You're not safe here, Bella."

                              ROBERT
                    Right, what did I say?

                              SCRIPT SUPERVISOR (O.S.)
                    You looked straight into the camera
                    with dead eyes and said "Rupert
                    Sanders, I will lawnmower your
                    balls."

                              ROBERT
                    ...And? I nailed it?

                                                          CUT TO:

          Robert turns on a camera, on himself, in a large dark space.
          He's a disheveled mess, visibly buzzed, has been crying.

                              ROBERT
                    Was it me? Did I do something? Look
                    Kristen, I just- I love you, and I-
                    I'm nothing, do you understand?
                    NOTHING! WITHOUT YOU!
                         (breaking down)
                    I'm so weak. I'm so weak.

          The sound of a FAR-AWAY DOOR OPENING.

                              DIRECTOR (O.S.)
                         (in the distance)
                    Robert? What are you doing on the
                    sound stage, it's 4 AM!

                              ROBERT
                         (scrambles to turn camera off)
                    Oh, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck-

          END.