Prince Harry as a Disney Prince (Parody)

By

Dan Gurewitch

          NOTE: Throughout, Prince Harry inhabits the role of each
          prince, wearing slightly douchier versions of the original
          costumes. He speaks with an obnoxious cockney accent.

          FANCY TITLE: DISNEY CLASSICS: The Prince Harry Collection

          EXT. BALLROOM - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: CINDERELLA)

          CINDERELLA pleads with the partying Prince Harry.

                              CINDERELLA
                    If I don't leave right now-

                              PRINCE HARRY
                         (half-clothed)
                    Ah don't be such an old biddy,
                    we're playing strip chess.

          Clock strikes MIDNIGHT. Cinderella turns back into a WAIF.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Whoa, you got uggo.
                         (seeing the chariot has become
                         a LARGE PUMPKIN; to friends)
                    I'll fuck that pumpkin for five
                    pounds.

          INT. FOREST CABIN - DAY (L3 TEXT: SNOW WHITE)

          SNOW WHITE walks in the door, whistling, only to find Prince
          Harry with the DWARVES.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Snow! Babe! I didn't know you were
                    friends with a shit-ton of midgets.
                    Check this out!

          Harry PICKS UP DOC and BOWLS HIM into a group of OTHER
          DWARVES, who all TUMBLE DOWN UPON IMPACT.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Strike!
                         (picking up DOPEY)
                    Look, this one's a retard!
                         (dropping him abruptly)
                    Hey I've always wondered: have they
                    got normal-sized willies?

          EXT. SHIP'S DESK - DAY (L3 TEXT: THE LITTLE MERMAID)

          Prince Harry talks to ARIEL.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    So let me get this straight: you're
                    a super hot babe, and you can't
                    talk?

          Ariel nods, shyly.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    That's the friggin' dream, man!

          Prince Harry HIGH-FIVES THE EVIL EELS, FLOTSAM & JETSAM.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Oy, stupid crabbies.

          Harry STOMPS ON SEBASTIAN THE CRAB.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Epic crunch! You hear that crunch?

          EXT. FOREST - DAY (L3 TEXT: POCAHONTAS)

          POCAHONTAS sings, arms wide to the forest.

                              POCAHONTAS
                    Have you ever heard the wolf cry,
                    to the blue corn moon?

          PRINCE HARRY tears through the forest on a DIRT BIKE,
          belching smoke everywhere. He runs over a rabbit.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Outta me way, me grandmum's the
                    fuckin' queen!

                              POCAHONTAS
                    But-

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    First one to shoot a pheasant wins,
                    go!

          He fires a pistol all over the place, MISSING EVERYTHING.
          Pocahontas nails a pheasant with ONE ARROW.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                         (picking up the dead bird)
                    Ay, boys! Check out this sick
                    pheasant I shot!

          EXT. JASMINE'S PALACE BALCONY - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: ALADDIN)

          Harry sits with JASMINE. GENIE stands nearby.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Right, Genie, get me two shots of
                    Jaeger and a pack of rubbers.

                              GENIE
                         (doing so)
                    Okay, that's all your wishes. Bye!

                              JASMINE
                    Yeah, I think I'm gonna go.

          Jasmine goes to leave. Harry calls after her, holding Abu.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Aw, c'mon, stay! I got a bloody
                    monkey! Look at this stupid little
                    bastard! Shits like everywhere but
                    I love him!

          EXT. MOUNTAIN - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: MULAN)

          Prince Harry holds MULAN by the shoulders.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Mulan, you saved my life. Buuuuut
                    yeah, I'm not into Asian chicks.
                    Are there any blondes around?

                              MULAN
                    What? We're in China.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    Fuck it, I'll make do.
                         (beat, re: her pants)
                    Quick questie: does it look like a
                    fortune cookie down there?

          INT. BEAST'S CASTLE - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: BEAUTY & THE BEAST)

          GASTON is about to stab THE BEAST (HARRY-ized).

                              BELLE
                    Gaston! Don't hurt him!

                              BEAST/HARRY
                    Wait up. Before you stab me, I just
                    wanna say: you got sick lats.

                              GASTON
                    Oh, thanks man. I blast 'em like
                    four times a week.

                              BEAST/HARRY
                    P90X? You look good.

                              GASTON
                    You're cut too, bro. Sweet pecs.

                              BELLE
                    What is going on here?

                              BEAST/HARRY
                         (calling to MRS. POTTS)
                    Hey teapot bitch, get me and my man
                    Gaston here some decaf chai, we are
                    PARCHED.

          INT. CASTLE - DAY (L3 TEXT: SLEEPING BEAUTY)

          SLEEPING BEAUTY lies encased in glass, asleep. Prince Harry
          approaches her.

                              PRINCE HARRY
                    My sweet darling princess lies
                    asleep, a bewitching curse upon
                    her... but no more.

          Prince Harry leans down. It looks like he's going to kiss
          her... then he abruptly moves his head down and gives her a
          LOUD FART-SOUND RASPBERRY ON HER STOMACH. FRRRRRRRRRT!!!

          END.