He's every princess's nightmare come true.
By Dan Gurewitch
NOTE: Throughout, Prince Harry inhabits the role of each prince, wearing slightly douchier versions of the original costumes. He speaks with an obnoxious cockney accent. FANCY TITLE: DISNEY CLASSICS: The Prince Harry Collection EXT. BALLROOM - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: CINDERELLA) CINDERELLA pleads with the partying Prince Harry. CINDERELLA If I don't leave right now- PRINCE HARRY (half-clothed) Ah don't be such an old biddy, we're playing strip chess. Clock strikes MIDNIGHT. Cinderella turns back into a WAIF. PRINCE HARRY Whoa, you got uggo. (seeing the chariot has become a LARGE PUMPKIN; to friends) I'll fuck that pumpkin for five pounds. INT. FOREST CABIN - DAY (L3 TEXT: SNOW WHITE) SNOW WHITE walks in the door, whistling, only to find Prince Harry with the DWARVES. PRINCE HARRY Snow! Babe! I didn't know you were friends with a shit-ton of midgets. Check this out! Harry PICKS UP DOC and BOWLS HIM into a group of OTHER DWARVES, who all TUMBLE DOWN UPON IMPACT. PRINCE HARRY Strike! (picking up DOPEY) Look, this one's a retard! (dropping him abruptly) Hey I've always wondered: have they got normal-sized willies? EXT. SHIP'S DESK - DAY (L3 TEXT: THE LITTLE MERMAID) Prince Harry talks to ARIEL. PRINCE HARRY So let me get this straight: you're a super hot babe, and you can't talk? Ariel nods, shyly. PRINCE HARRY That's the friggin' dream, man! Prince Harry HIGH-FIVES THE EVIL EELS, FLOTSAM & JETSAM. PRINCE HARRY Oy, stupid crabbies. Harry STOMPS ON SEBASTIAN THE CRAB. PRINCE HARRY Epic crunch! You hear that crunch? EXT. FOREST - DAY (L3 TEXT: POCAHONTAS) POCAHONTAS sings, arms wide to the forest. POCAHONTAS Have you ever heard the wolf cry, to the blue corn moon? PRINCE HARRY tears through the forest on a DIRT BIKE, belching smoke everywhere. He runs over a rabbit. PRINCE HARRY Outta me way, me grandmum's the fuckin' queen! POCAHONTAS But- PRINCE HARRY First one to shoot a pheasant wins, go! He fires a pistol all over the place, MISSING EVERYTHING. Pocahontas nails a pheasant with ONE ARROW. PRINCE HARRY (picking up the dead bird) Ay, boys! Check out this sick pheasant I shot! EXT. JASMINE'S PALACE BALCONY - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: ALADDIN) Harry sits with JASMINE. GENIE stands nearby. PRINCE HARRY Right, Genie, get me two shots of Jaeger and a pack of rubbers. GENIE (doing so) Okay, that's all your wishes. Bye! JASMINE Yeah, I think I'm gonna go. Jasmine goes to leave. Harry calls after her, holding Abu. PRINCE HARRY Aw, c'mon, stay! I got a bloody monkey! Look at this stupid little bastard! Shits like everywhere but I love him! EXT. MOUNTAIN - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: MULAN) Prince Harry holds MULAN by the shoulders. PRINCE HARRY Mulan, you saved my life. Buuuuut yeah, I'm not into Asian chicks. Are there any blondes around? MULAN What? We're in China. PRINCE HARRY Fuck it, I'll make do. (beat, re: her pants) Quick questie: does it look like a fortune cookie down there? INT. BEAST'S CASTLE - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: BEAUTY & THE BEAST) GASTON is about to stab THE BEAST (HARRY-ized). BELLE Gaston! Don't hurt him! BEAST/HARRY Wait up. Before you stab me, I just wanna say: you got sick lats. GASTON Oh, thanks man. I blast 'em like four times a week. BEAST/HARRY P90X? You look good. GASTON You're cut too, bro. Sweet pecs. BELLE What is going on here? BEAST/HARRY (calling to MRS. POTTS) Hey teapot bitch, get me and my man Gaston here some decaf chai, we are PARCHED. INT. CASTLE - DAY (L3 TEXT: SLEEPING BEAUTY) SLEEPING BEAUTY lies encased in glass, asleep. Prince Harry approaches her. PRINCE HARRY My sweet darling princess lies asleep, a bewitching curse upon her... but no more. Prince Harry leans down. It looks like he's going to kiss her... then he abruptly moves his head down and gives her a LOUD FART-SOUND RASPBERRY ON HER STOMACH. FRRRRRRRRRT!!! END.