He's every princess's nightmare come true.
By Dan Gurewitch
NOTE: Throughout, Prince Harry inhabits the role of each
prince, wearing slightly douchier versions of the original
costumes. He speaks with an obnoxious cockney accent.
FANCY TITLE: DISNEY CLASSICS: The Prince Harry Collection
EXT. BALLROOM - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: CINDERELLA)
CINDERELLA pleads with the partying Prince Harry.
If I don't leave right now-
Ah don't be such an old biddy,
we're playing strip chess.
Clock strikes MIDNIGHT. Cinderella turns back into a WAIF.
Whoa, you got uggo.
(seeing the chariot has become
a LARGE PUMPKIN; to friends)
I'll fuck that pumpkin for five
INT. FOREST CABIN - DAY (L3 TEXT: SNOW WHITE)
SNOW WHITE walks in the door, whistling, only to find Prince
Harry with the DWARVES.
Snow! Babe! I didn't know you were
friends with a shit-ton of midgets.
Check this out!
Harry PICKS UP DOC and BOWLS HIM into a group of OTHER
DWARVES, who all TUMBLE DOWN UPON IMPACT.
(picking up DOPEY)
Look, this one's a retard!
(dropping him abruptly)
Hey I've always wondered: have they
got normal-sized willies?
EXT. SHIP'S DESK - DAY (L3 TEXT: THE LITTLE MERMAID)
Prince Harry talks to ARIEL.
So let me get this straight: you're
a super hot babe, and you can't
Ariel nods, shyly.
That's the friggin' dream, man!
Prince Harry HIGH-FIVES THE EVIL EELS, FLOTSAM & JETSAM.
Oy, stupid crabbies.
Harry STOMPS ON SEBASTIAN THE CRAB.
Epic crunch! You hear that crunch?
EXT. FOREST - DAY (L3 TEXT: POCAHONTAS)
POCAHONTAS sings, arms wide to the forest.
Have you ever heard the wolf cry,
to the blue corn moon?
PRINCE HARRY tears through the forest on a DIRT BIKE,
belching smoke everywhere. He runs over a rabbit.
Outta me way, me grandmum's the
First one to shoot a pheasant wins,
He fires a pistol all over the place, MISSING EVERYTHING.
Pocahontas nails a pheasant with ONE ARROW.
(picking up the dead bird)
Ay, boys! Check out this sick
pheasant I shot!
EXT. JASMINE'S PALACE BALCONY - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: ALADDIN)
Harry sits with JASMINE. GENIE stands nearby.
Right, Genie, get me two shots of
Jaeger and a pack of rubbers.
Okay, that's all your wishes. Bye!
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go.
Jasmine goes to leave. Harry calls after her, holding Abu.
Aw, c'mon, stay! I got a bloody
monkey! Look at this stupid little
bastard! Shits like everywhere but
I love him!
EXT. MOUNTAIN - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: MULAN)
Prince Harry holds MULAN by the shoulders.
Mulan, you saved my life. Buuuuut
yeah, I'm not into Asian chicks.
Are there any blondes around?
What? We're in China.
Fuck it, I'll make do.
(beat, re: her pants)
Quick questie: does it look like a
fortune cookie down there?
INT. BEAST'S CASTLE - NIGHT (L3 TEXT: BEAUTY & THE BEAST)
GASTON is about to stab THE BEAST (HARRY-ized).
Gaston! Don't hurt him!
Wait up. Before you stab me, I just
wanna say: you got sick lats.
Oh, thanks man. I blast 'em like
four times a week.
P90X? You look good.
You're cut too, bro. Sweet pecs.
What is going on here?
(calling to MRS. POTTS)
Hey teapot bitch, get me and my man
Gaston here some decaf chai, we are
INT. CASTLE - DAY (L3 TEXT: SLEEPING BEAUTY)
SLEEPING BEAUTY lies encased in glass, asleep. Prince Harry
My sweet darling princess lies
asleep, a bewitching curse upon
her... but no more.
Prince Harry leans down. It looks like he's going to kiss
her... then he abruptly moves his head down and gives her a
LOUD FART-SOUND RASPBERRY ON HER STOMACH. FRRRRRRRRRT!!!