By Dan Gurewitch & Amir Blumenfeld
INT. WHEELHOUSE - DAY Dan and Amir sit across from each other. Dan stares at Amir, who awkwardly looks around the room. After a few seconds, Dan snaps and points at himself: "Look at me." DAN I'm thinking of changing my name. AMIR Didn't you already change your name to Dandruff Sandwich and kill yourself? DAN Celebrities do it all the time. AMIR Like who? DAN Tony Danza. He was born Anthony LaDanza. AMIR What about Iggy Pop? DAN Ignacious Popsicle. AMIR Madonna? DAN Michael Edward Donna. AMIR Magic Johnson? Clearly that's his real name. DAN Magic Jordan. AMIR Halle Berry? DAN Halliburton Burial. AMIR Hm. Portia de Rossi? DAN Portlandia Degrassi. AMIR Tupac Shakur? DAN TwoMick Jaggur. AMIR Mick Jagger? DAN Pac Shaggur. AMIR Olivia Munn? DAN Oliva Newton-Munn. AMIR Sacha Baron Cohen? DAN Satchel Batchel Coconuts. AMIR Teddy Roosevelt? DAN Theodore Herzl. AMIR So Theodore Herzle is... DAN Purple Nurzl. AMIR Rainn Wilson? DAN Snow Dilson. AMIR Matthew Modine? DAN Kashi Go Lean. AMIR Usher? DAN Avery "The Gusher" Usher Dick. AMIR Evel Kneival? DAN Danny DeVeival. AMIR Okay. Waht about Flava Flav? DAN Riboflavins Flavor. AMIR That makes sense. Candace Cameron? DAN Kato Kalen. AMIR Milton Bearle? DAN Toe Jam and Earl. AMIR Taylor Swift? DAN Taylor Anne Nuclear Bomb. AMIR Good change. Stockard Channing? DAN A stock photo of Channing Tatum. AMIR So Channing Tatum? DAN Lee Xuang-Hui. AMIR Coco Chanel? DAN Hot Cocoal Channel. AMIR Bing Crosby? DAN Google Crosby. AMIR (holds up phone; Bill Cosby on screen) I did. His real name is William Crosby. Zha Zha Gabor? DAN Mah Jong Goober. AMIR Boy George? DAN Boingo Hotspot Gorge. AMIR Lee Iacocca? DAN Peepee Iapoopoo. AMIR And Edith Piaf? DAN Mamma Miaf. AMIR Cecile B. DeMille? DAN Cruella B. DeVille AMIR Marilyn Manson? DAN A. Maryland Mansion. AMIR Zero Mostel? DAN Negative One Mostel. AMIR A small but signifiance improvement. Leonardo DiCaprio? DAN Leon Deacon. AMIR Liam Neeson? DAN Liamardo DiNeeson. AMIR So KD Lang is: AMIR/DAN (together) Kangaroo Kunkaroo Langnam Style. AMIR Bono? DAN Boner. AMIR Zooey Deschanel? DAN Zoford Asthma Jr. AMIR Sugar Ray Robinson? DAN Mark McGrath Robinson. AMIR Kat Dennings? DAN Liutenant Colonel Jason Kathryn "Kat" Dennings-Walsh AMIR Ozzy Osbourne? DAN Oscare the Grosbourne. AMIR Bela Lugosi? DAN Bemeril Lagasse. AMIR Emeril Lagasse? DAN Ephemeral Gay-Lassie. AMIR Ron Howard? DAN Don Howard-Gay. AMIR Wow, his name was originally in Pig Latin. DAN Nope! AMIR Owl City? DAN Bruce Damien Cunt. AMIR Jason Mraz? DAN Jason M. Razamataz. AMIR Alicia Keys? DAN Aloysius Trees. AMIR Slash? DAN Slush. AMIR Flea? DAN Flush. AMIR Sting? DAN Robert Loggia. AMIR Cher? DAN Shush. AMIR (whispered) Sorry. Louis CK? DAN Louisiana Cirque de Soleil. AMIR Viggo Mortensen? DAN Rabbi Vigorous Mordechai. AMIR Sid Vicious? DAN SIDS Viscous. AMIR I'm sorry. His first name was "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome?" DAN No, just Sids, like multiple Sidneys. AMIR Oh, okay. Sigourney Weaver? DAN Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Weaver. AMIR Benedick Cumberbatch? DAN Johnny DVR. AMIR Stanely Tucci? DAN Adam Frucci. AMIR Idris Elba? DAN Pinterest Elba. AMIR Oh, like the website? DAN No. AMIR Carmen Electa? DAN Carmine's Electric Bill. AMIR Itzhak Perlman? DAN (singing the beginning of "One Week:") Yyyy - it's been, Perlman. AMIR Wow, so his real name is the beginning of the song "One Week." Julia Louis-Dreyfus? DAN Mr. Holland's Anus. AMIR Carly Rae Jeppsen? DAN Carlito George Jetson. AMIR L. Ron Hubbard? DAN His Boy Elroy. AMIR (now singing to the tuen of the Jetsons theme) Derek Jeter? DAN (singing) Daughter Judy! AMIR (singing) Thomas Jane- DAN/AMIR (together, singing) His wife! SMASH CUT TO: Two seconds of a spaceship flying in the Jetsons title sequence. END.