Hardly Working: Stage Names 2

By

Dan Gurewitch & Amir Blumenfeld

          INT. WHEELHOUSE - DAY

          Dan and Amir sit across from each other.  Dan stares at
          Amir, who awkwardly looks around the room.  After a few
          seconds, Dan snaps and points at himself: "Look at me."

                              DAN
                    I'm thinking of changing my name.

                              AMIR
                    Didn't you already change your name
                    to Dandruff Sandwich and kill
                    yourself?

                              DAN
                    Celebrities do it all the time.

                              AMIR
                    Like who?

                              DAN
                    Tony Danza.  He was born Anthony
                    LaDanza.

                              AMIR
                    What about Iggy Pop?

                              DAN
                    Ignacious Popsicle.

                              AMIR
                    Madonna?

                              DAN
                    Michael Edward Donna.

                              AMIR
                    Magic Johnson?  Clearly that's his
                    real name.

                              DAN
                    Magic Jordan.

                              AMIR
                    Halle Berry?

                              DAN
                    Halliburton Burial.

                              AMIR
                    Hm.  Portia de Rossi?

                              DAN
                    Portlandia Degrassi.

                              AMIR
                    Tupac Shakur?

                              DAN
                    TwoMick Jaggur.

                              AMIR
                    Mick Jagger?

                              DAN
                    Pac Shaggur.

                              AMIR
                    Olivia Munn?

                              DAN
                    Oliva Newton-Munn.

                              AMIR
                    Sacha Baron Cohen?

                              DAN
                    Satchel Batchel Coconuts.

                              AMIR
                    Teddy Roosevelt?

                              DAN
                    Theodore Herzl.

                              AMIR
                    So Theodore Herzle is...

                              DAN
                    Purple Nurzl.

                              AMIR
                    Rainn Wilson?

                              DAN
                    Snow Dilson.

                              AMIR
                    Matthew Modine?

                              DAN
                    Kashi Go Lean.

                              AMIR
                    Usher?

                              DAN
                    Avery "The Gusher" Usher Dick.

                              AMIR
                    Evel Kneival?

                              DAN
                    Danny DeVeival.

                              AMIR
                    Okay.  Waht about Flava Flav?

                              DAN
                    Riboflavins Flavor.

                              AMIR
                    That makes sense.  Candace Cameron?

                              DAN
                    Kato Kalen.

                              AMIR
                    Milton Bearle?

                              DAN
                    Toe Jam and Earl.

                              AMIR
                    Taylor Swift?

                              DAN
                    Taylor Anne Nuclear Bomb.

                              AMIR
                    Good change.  Stockard Channing?

                              DAN
                    A stock photo of Channing Tatum.

                              AMIR
                    So Channing Tatum?

                              DAN
                    Lee Xuang-Hui.

                              AMIR
                    Coco Chanel?

                              DAN
                    Hot Cocoal Channel.

                              AMIR
                    Bing Crosby?

                              DAN
                    Google Crosby.

                              AMIR
                         (holds up phone; Bill Cosby on
                         screen)
                    I did.  His real name is William
                    Crosby.  Zha Zha Gabor?

                              DAN
                    Mah Jong Goober.

                              AMIR
                    Boy George?

                              DAN
                    Boingo Hotspot Gorge.

                              AMIR
                    Lee Iacocca?

                              DAN
                    Peepee Iapoopoo.

                              AMIR
                    And Edith Piaf?

                              DAN
                    Mamma Miaf.

                              AMIR
                    Cecile B. DeMille?

                              DAN
                    Cruella B. DeVille

                              AMIR
                    Marilyn Manson?

                              DAN
                    A. Maryland Mansion.

                              AMIR
                    Zero Mostel?

                              DAN
                    Negative One Mostel.

                              AMIR
                    A small but signifiance
                    improvement.  Leonardo DiCaprio?

                              DAN
                    Leon Deacon.

                              AMIR
                    Liam Neeson?

                              DAN
                    Liamardo DiNeeson.

                              AMIR
                    So KD Lang is:

                              AMIR/DAN
                         (together)
                    Kangaroo Kunkaroo Langnam Style.

                              AMIR
                    Bono?

                              DAN
                    Boner.

                              AMIR
                    Zooey Deschanel?

                              DAN
                    Zoford Asthma Jr.

                              AMIR
                    Sugar Ray Robinson?

                              DAN
                    Mark McGrath Robinson.

                              AMIR
                    Kat Dennings?

                              DAN
                    Liutenant Colonel Jason Kathryn
                    "Kat" Dennings-Walsh

                              AMIR
                    Ozzy Osbourne?

                              DAN
                    Oscare the Grosbourne.

                              AMIR
                    Bela Lugosi?

                              DAN
                    Bemeril Lagasse.

                              AMIR
                    Emeril Lagasse?

                              DAN
                    Ephemeral Gay-Lassie.

                              AMIR
                    Ron Howard?

                              DAN
                    Don Howard-Gay.

                              AMIR
                    Wow, his name was originally in Pig
                    Latin.

                              DAN
                    Nope!

                              AMIR
                    Owl City?

                              DAN
                    Bruce Damien Cunt.

                              AMIR
                    Jason Mraz?

                              DAN
                    Jason M. Razamataz.

                              AMIR
                    Alicia Keys?

                              DAN
                    Aloysius Trees.

                              AMIR
                    Slash?

                              DAN
                    Slush.

                              AMIR
                    Flea?

                              DAN
                    Flush.

                              AMIR
                    Sting?

                              DAN
                    Robert Loggia.

                              AMIR
                    Cher?

                              DAN
                    Shush.

                              AMIR
                         (whispered)
                    Sorry.  Louis CK?

                              DAN
                    Louisiana Cirque de Soleil.

                              AMIR
                    Viggo Mortensen?

                              DAN
                    Rabbi Vigorous Mordechai.

                              AMIR
                    Sid Vicious?

                              DAN
                    SIDS Viscous.

                              AMIR
                    I'm sorry.  His first name was
                    "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome?"

                              DAN
                    No, just Sids, like multiple
                    Sidneys.

                              AMIR
                    Oh, okay.  Sigourney Weaver?

                              DAN
                    Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
                    Weaver.

                              AMIR
                    Benedick Cumberbatch?

                              DAN
                    Johnny DVR.

                              AMIR
                    Stanely Tucci?

                              DAN
                    Adam Frucci.

                              AMIR
                    Idris Elba?

                              DAN
                    Pinterest Elba.

                              AMIR
                    Oh, like the website?

                              DAN
                    No.

                              AMIR
                    Carmen Electa?

                              DAN
                    Carmine's Electric Bill.

                              AMIR
                    Itzhak Perlman?

                              DAN
                         (singing the beginning of "One
                         Week:")
                    Yyyy - it's been, Perlman.

                              AMIR
                    Wow, so his real name is the
                    beginning of the song "One Week." 
                    Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

                              DAN
                    Mr. Holland's Anus.

                              AMIR
                    Carly Rae Jeppsen?

                              DAN
                    Carlito George Jetson.

                              AMIR
                    L. Ron Hubbard?

                              DAN
                    His Boy Elroy.

                              AMIR
                         (now singing to the tuen of
                         the Jetsons theme)
                    Derek Jeter?

                              DAN
                         (singing)
                    Daughter Judy!

                              AMIR
                         (singing)
                    Thomas Jane-

                              DAN/AMIR
                         (together, singing)
                    His wife!

          SMASH CUT TO: Two seconds of a spaceship flying in the
          Jetsons title sequence.

          END.