Obama and Romney tackle the issues, and each other. The second episode in our 321 Fight series.
By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEO GAME MENU SCREEN TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to- CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character thumbnails, so small they're hard to make out. Player One and Two cursors flip through them, passing random characters like "Modern Art, Charlemagne, A Goose," etc. They settle on "Barack Obama" and "Mitt Romney," respectively. Fade out/in to- INT. DEBATE ROOM - DAY Obama rides in on a robotic jet donkey. Opposite him, a mystic portal opens and Romney rides in on an epic LOTR-style elephant. They dismount. ROMNEY I'll bet you $10,000 that you're going down right now. OBAMA Yes I Can put my foot up your ass! As they speak, their health bars fill above them. ANNOUNCER 3! 2! 1! Fight! OBAMA Let's warm up! Obama produces a basketball and starts dribbling it faster and faster. ANNOUNCER Gettin' Pumped! READY TO GOVERN! ROMNEY Perfect Hair Cannon! Hatches open in his silver temples, producing tiny laser cannons. They fire at Obama. Obama flips out of the way. Obama fires the now-flaming basketball at Romney, who deflects it. Romney leaps high into the air. ROMNEY Corporate climber! Pink slip! Pink slip! Pink slip! He flings glowing PINK SLIPS down at Obama. Obama is struck and rolls back. Romney charges him. OBAMA Supersonic Pause! Obama emits a series of "uhhh" sound effects (actual Obama audio samples). Romney gets knocked back by the sound waves. ROMNEY Romney Clan Slam! Mitt uppercuts Obama up into the air. ROMNEY'S FIVE SONS each appear onscreen in Mormon missionary uniforms and sock Obama one by one, juggling him higher into the air. The fifth one slams him down into the ground. Obama recovers. OBAMA Green Energy Boost! Obama sprouts solar panel and a spinning wind tower. His HP bar glows and recharges. The wind tower blows Romney back. ROMNEY Fundraiser Recharge! A door slams shut in front of Romney (sign: upper crust only). Above it, a spinner appears. On it are green sections like "+$500,000", "+$1 million","+$10 million," and a narrow red section called "Video Leak." Spinner lands on Video Leak. ANNOUNCER Video Leak! Forty-seven Percenalty! The door crumbles, Romney takes damage, and 47% of his health bar goes up in smoke. He falls backward. ANNOUNCER Veep Assist! Paul Ryan! PAUL RYAN beams down in full camo, with a compound bow. ANNOUNCER Veep Assist! Joe Biden! A Motorcycle Babe pulls up on a motorbike with JOE BIDEN riding bitch seat. He hops off & she speeds away. Paul Ryan fires his bow at Biden. BIDEN Hiy-ah! He kicks the arrow back at Paul Ryan. It strikes him & Ryan dematerializes. Joe's foot continues its swing all the way up and lands square in his mouth. ANNOUNCER Foot in Mouth! Biden dematerializes. Obama charges a Super Move. ANNOUNCER Super Move! OBAMA (ultra cool close-up) SEAL Team Six! A squad of ultra-high-tech Navy SEALS rope and and blast Romney with giant guns. Romney is blown back, his HP almost depleted. He rolls to his feet. Obama launches a flying kick at Romney, is interrupted by... ANNOUNCER Super Move! ROMNEY (ultra cool close-up) Position reversal! Romney teleports behind Obama, leaving behind a smirking after-image. Obama kicks right through it. Romney grabs Obama from behind, and delivers a devastating slow-mo suplex. Obama's HP is almost gone. He ducks a follow-up punch and jumps to the other side of the screen. ANNOUNCER Time Summon! OBAMA 2006 Mitt Romney! A voting booth time machine lands in front of Obama. A blue-necktied version of Mitt Romney steps out. 2006 MITT Our state's health care reform should be a model for the nation. Mitt Romney attacks, but his punches and kicks are perfectly mirrored and negated by 2006 Mitt. They leap apart. ANNOUNCER Tag-team Super! 2006 Mitt and Obama each produce a thick binder labeled "Romneycare" and "Obamacare," respectively. They slap them together into a HUGE man-sized binder with the Caduceus on the front. OBAMA / 2006 MITT HEALTHCARMAGEDDON! They slam it down towards Romney. ROMNEY Giant Flag Pin! He unhooks his American flag lapel pin and flings it at Obama. It strikes Obama just as the giant health care plan crushes Romney. Both HP bars hit zero. ANNOUNCER Double K.O.! Onscreen text over screen: "Game Over! Insert $500 Million to Campaign Again." Beneath it, a "Continue?" countdown clock starts counting down from 10. End.