321 Fight: Obama vs. Romney

By

Owen Parsons

          ANIMATED VIDEO GAME MENU SCREEN

          TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit
          music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to-

          CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character
          thumbnails, so small they're hard to make out. Player One
          and Two cursors flip through them, passing random characters
          like "Modern Art, Charlemagne, A Goose," etc. They settle on
          "Barack Obama" and "Mitt Romney," respectively. Fade out/in
          to-

          INT. DEBATE ROOM - DAY

          Obama rides in on a robotic jet donkey. Opposite him, a
          mystic portal opens and Romney rides in on an epic
          LOTR-style elephant. They dismount.

                              ROMNEY
                    I'll bet you $10,000 that you're
                    going down right now.

                              OBAMA
                    Yes I Can put my foot up your ass!

          As they speak, their health bars fill above them.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    3! 2! 1! Fight!

                              OBAMA
                    Let's warm up!

          Obama produces a basketball and starts dribbling it faster
          and faster.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Gettin' Pumped! READY TO GOVERN!

                              ROMNEY
                    Perfect Hair Cannon!

          Hatches open in his silver temples, producing tiny laser
          cannons. They fire at Obama. Obama flips out of the way.

          Obama fires the now-flaming basketball at Romney, who
          deflects it. Romney leaps high into the air.

                              ROMNEY
                    Corporate climber! Pink slip! Pink
                    slip! Pink slip!

          He flings glowing PINK SLIPS down at Obama. Obama is struck
          and rolls back. Romney charges him.

                              OBAMA
                    Supersonic Pause!

          Obama emits a series of "uhhh" sound effects (actual Obama
          audio samples). Romney gets knocked back by the sound waves.

                              ROMNEY
                    Romney Clan Slam!

          Mitt uppercuts Obama up into the air. ROMNEY'S FIVE SONS
          each appear onscreen in Mormon missionary uniforms and sock
          Obama one by one, juggling him higher into the air. The
          fifth one slams him down into the ground. Obama recovers.

                              OBAMA
                    Green Energy Boost!

          Obama sprouts solar panel and a spinning wind tower. His HP
          bar glows and recharges. The wind tower blows Romney back.

                              ROMNEY
                    Fundraiser Recharge!

          A door slams shut in front of Romney (sign: upper crust
          only). Above it, a spinner appears. On it are green sections
          like "+$500,000", "+$1 million","+$10 million," and a narrow
          red section called "Video Leak." Spinner lands on Video
          Leak.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Video Leak! Forty-seven Percenalty!

          The door crumbles, Romney takes damage, and 47% of his
          health bar goes up in smoke. He falls backward.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Veep Assist! Paul Ryan!

          PAUL RYAN beams down in full camo, with a compound bow.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Veep Assist! Joe Biden!

          A Motorcycle Babe pulls up on a motorbike with JOE BIDEN
          riding bitch seat. He hops off & she speeds away.

          Paul Ryan fires his bow at Biden.

                              BIDEN
                    Hiy-ah!

          He kicks the arrow back at Paul Ryan. It strikes him & Ryan
          dematerializes. Joe's foot continues its swing all the way
          up and lands square in his mouth.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Foot in Mouth!

          Biden dematerializes. Obama charges a Super Move.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Super Move!

                              OBAMA
                         (ultra cool close-up)
                    SEAL Team Six!

          A squad of ultra-high-tech Navy SEALS rope and and blast
          Romney with giant guns. Romney is blown back, his HP almost
          depleted. He rolls to his feet.

          Obama launches a flying kick at Romney, is interrupted by...

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Super Move!

                              ROMNEY
                         (ultra cool close-up)
                    Position reversal!

          Romney teleports behind Obama, leaving behind a smirking
          after-image. Obama kicks right through it. Romney grabs
          Obama from behind, and delivers a devastating slow-mo
          suplex. Obama's HP is almost gone. He ducks a follow-up
          punch and jumps to the other side of the screen.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Time Summon!

                              OBAMA
                    2006 Mitt Romney!

          A voting booth time machine lands in front of Obama. A
          blue-necktied version of Mitt Romney steps out.

                              2006 MITT
                    Our state's health care reform
                    should be a model for the nation.

          Mitt Romney attacks, but his punches and kicks are perfectly
          mirrored and negated by 2006 Mitt. They leap apart.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Tag-team Super!

          2006 Mitt and Obama each produce a thick binder labeled
          "Romneycare" and "Obamacare," respectively. They slap them
          together into a HUGE man-sized binder with the Caduceus on
          the front.

                              OBAMA / 2006 MITT
                    HEALTHCARMAGEDDON!

          They slam it down towards Romney.

                              ROMNEY
                    Giant Flag Pin!

          He unhooks his American flag lapel pin and flings it at
          Obama. It strikes Obama just as the giant health care plan
          crushes Romney. Both HP bars hit zero.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Double K.O.!

          Onscreen text over screen: "Game Over! Insert $500 Million
          to Campaign Again."

          Beneath it, a "Continue?" countdown clock starts counting
          down from 10.

          End.