The Adventures of Kim Jong Un: Kim Jong Un vs. Psy

By

Ben Joseph

          KIM JONG UN TITLE SEQUENCE. This week's images: Kim Jong Un
          wins an ostrich race, Swiss Family Robinson-style. Plays
          chess against giant floating brains. Wears a leather
          jumpsuit and crawls through a web of lasers.

                              SINGER
                    The Adventures of KIM JONG UN! /
                    Written and directed by KIM JONG
                    UN!

          Kim Jong Un does a keg stand. Is a merman with a trident and
          a beard. Fights pirates in a Peter Pan outfit.

                              SINGER (CONT'D)
                    No theme song is ever good enough
                    for KIM JONG UN! / Many singers
                    have died at the hands of KIM JONG
                    UN!
                         (whispered, quick)
                    Oh god he's coming. Please come
                    help me. They're holding me at-
                         (clears throat, loud again)
                    KIM JONG UN! /Kim Jong-

          GUNSHOT. CUT TO TITLE CARD:

                              ROBOT MINISTER
                    Today's Episode! A Great Deceit
                    Revealed And Many Wrongs Righted!
                    Or... Psy-onora Suckers!

          The SECOND TITLE slides onto screen. A final LOWER THIRD
          appears: STORY AND TELEPLAY BY KIM JONG UN CUT TO:

          EXT. PSY CONCERT

          South Korean pop sensation PSY does his signature dance for
          a SHRIEKING CROWD.

                              TEENAGER 1
                    I love Gangham Style!

                              TEENAGER 2
                    Psy's moves are so freshy swag, and
                    certainly not stolen from any world
                    leader-slash-noted gentleman
                    adventurer!

                              ROBOT MINISTER (V.O.)
                    THAT IS AN INCORRECT FALSEHOOD!

          A SPOTLIGHT pops onto Psy. WHIP TO REVEAL its source: A
          HELICOPTER shaped like Kim Jong Un's face. KIM JONG UN and
          the ROBOT MINISTER lean out of it.

                              TEENAGER
                     It's Kim Jong Un's Handsome-
                    copter! The number one ace gift for
                    all of True Korea's children!

          JARRING CUT to a PRODUCT SHOT of a TOY HANDSOME-COPTER and
          KIM JONG UN action figure. TEXT: PURCHASE IS MANDATORY!
          SUPPORTERS OF WESTERN INDUSTRY WILL BE SENT TO RE-EDUCATION
          CENTER 3. A LOUD, ABRASIVE HUMMING plays under the shot.

          BACK TO SCENE. Kim Jong Un dives out of the helicopter,
          lands in a perfect handstand on the stage, then does a
          forward front spring and lands in a fighting pose.

                              PSY
                    Kim Jong Un! This ends now!
                    RAHHHHHHH!

          Kim Jong Un and Psy draw swords and charge each other in
          split-screen. They leap into the air and we enter SLOW
          MOTION. INTENSE MUSIC RISES. Right before they hit, an OLD
          MAN pops into frame.

                              OLD MAN
                    Now is the time for explaining to
                    origin of Kim Jong Un's righteous
                    fury!

                                                    SMASH CUT TO:

          EXT. NORTH KOREAN TEMPLE

          In washed-out FLASHBACK, BAMBOO PIPES play as Kim Jong Un
          teaches a younger Psy to dance.

                              OLD MAN (V.O.)
                    Many years ago, Psy was a student
                    of Kim Jong Un, learning the ways
                    of dance and appealing pudginess.

          A topless Un and Psy eat noodles together. LOWER THIRD:
          SOURCE: Kim Jong Un's History of Music and Miscellaneous
          Robot Doodles, Volumes XII - XIV.

                              OLD MAN (V.O.)
                    But Psy could not stand that Un
                    would always be the better dancer,
                    sommelier, and go kart driver.

          Psy watches with anger as 1.) Kim Jong Un does the Gangam
          Style dance. 2.) Kim Jong Un serves wine to a delighted
          elderly couple. (Psy spills wine on the laps of his
          patrons.) 3.) Kim Jong Un easily beats Psy in a Go Kart
          race.

                              OLD MAN (V.O.)
                    So one night, he snuck into his
                    master's quarters, stole the Sacred
                    Funk Dragon, and used its power for
                    personal gain and glory.

          Kim Jong Un sleeps (floating slightly above the bed) and Psy
          sneaks in, steals a GOLDEN DRAGON NECKLACE (the dragon has
          sunglasses and a bucket) from the bedside table, and places
          it around his neck. CUT TO:

          EXT. PSY CONCERT

          The Old Man finishes his story.

                              OLD MAN
                    From that moment, Un vowed to- AH!

          Psy slams into him, knocking him off frame. Psy tries to
          stand up, but Kim Jong Un has his sword at his throat.

                              PSY
                    You can beat me in combat, Un. But
                    can you beat me... in DANCE?

          Kim Jong Un thinks. He steps back as Psy stands up and
          DRAMATIC MUSIC rises. Suddenly, the music SLAMS to GANGHAM
          STYLE. Un and Psy do a ridiculous, synchronized Gangham
          Style dance. The audience stares, unable to look away.

                              AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
                    Such... beauty...

                              AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
                    I now see, next to a true master of
                    dance, Psy's moves resemble those
                    of a syphilitic water buffalo!

          Kim Jong Un and Psy begin to GLOW. ANGLE ON two teenagers:

                              TEENAGER 1
                    If I watch their dancing any
                    longer, my eyes will surely melt
                    out of their sockets!

                              TEENAGER 2
                    I don't care!

                              TEENAGER 1
                    Me neither!

          HISS. Their eyeballs melt. The dance battle continues.
          ELECTRICITY crackles. A VORTEX opens on stage.

                              ROBOT MINISTER
                    The sheer power of their dance is
                    tearing the universe apart!

          INSERT SHOT OF EARTH: A DARK FISSURE is beginning to form,
          starting in the vicinity of North Korea.

                              PSY
                    I'll destroy all of existence
                    before I bow to you, Kim Jong Un!

          Kim Jong Un furrows his brow. It's time to get serious. He
          stops dancing, powers up, and splits into FIVE SEPARATE
          DANCERS, each with a distinct "boy band" outfit. (Leather
          jacket, floppy hair, tight jeans, etc.) Psy is scared.

                              PSY (CONT'D)
                    The- The five member explosive pop
                    sensation technique! I- I thought
                    it was just a myth!

          Kim Jong Un and his clones perform an awesome, N-Sync-style
          choreographed dance. Then, in an anime-style FINISHING MOVE,
          they all surround Psy and streak across him one by one.

          Psy, defeated, collapses to the ground. His dead body
          transforms into thousands of roaches and scatters from
          inside his clothes with a HISS. Un closes his eyes and
          stands up.

                              TEENAGER
                    Not only did you defeat Psy, you
                    saved the community center and
                    brought these orphan's parents back
                    to life!

          ANGLE ON: Adorable orphans with ZOMBIE PARENTS.

                              ORPHANS
                    WE LOVE YOU KIM JONG UN!

          The entire stadium starts chanting:

                              AUDIENCE
                    KIM JONG UN! KIM JONG UN! KIM JONG
                    UN!

          Kim Jong Un starts dancing to UPBEAT HOUSE MUSIC. The Robot
          Minister kneeslides in behind him and rips a guitar solo.

          The audience CHEERS! Their cheers grow louder and louder
          until - SPLAT - their heads explode. It's instantly DEAD
          QUIET.

          CLOSE on Kim Jong Un's face as some blood hits it. He nods
          solemnly. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

          ROLL CREDITS. KIM JONG UN!!