From CH Staff on
The North Korean demigod fights pop superstar Psy in a battle of good versus earth-shatteringly good.
By Ben Joseph
KIM JONG UN TITLE SEQUENCE. This week's images: Kim Jong Un wins an ostrich race, Swiss Family Robinson-style. Plays chess against giant floating brains. Wears a leather jumpsuit and crawls through a web of lasers. SINGER The Adventures of KIM JONG UN! / Written and directed by KIM JONG UN! Kim Jong Un does a keg stand. Is a merman with a trident and a beard. Fights pirates in a Peter Pan outfit. SINGER (CONT'D) No theme song is ever good enough for KIM JONG UN! / Many singers have died at the hands of KIM JONG UN! (whispered, quick) Oh god he's coming. Please come help me. They're holding me at- (clears throat, loud again) KIM JONG UN! /Kim Jong- GUNSHOT. CUT TO TITLE CARD: ROBOT MINISTER Today's Episode! A Great Deceit Revealed And Many Wrongs Righted! Or... Psy-onora Suckers! The SECOND TITLE slides onto screen. A final LOWER THIRD appears: STORY AND TELEPLAY BY KIM JONG UN CUT TO: EXT. PSY CONCERT South Korean pop sensation PSY does his signature dance for a SHRIEKING CROWD. TEENAGER 1 I love Gangham Style! TEENAGER 2 Psy's moves are so freshy swag, and certainly not stolen from any world leader-slash-noted gentleman adventurer! ROBOT MINISTER (V.O.) THAT IS AN INCORRECT FALSEHOOD! A SPOTLIGHT pops onto Psy. WHIP TO REVEAL its source: A HELICOPTER shaped like Kim Jong Un's face. KIM JONG UN and the ROBOT MINISTER lean out of it. TEENAGER
It's Kim Jong Un's Handsome- copter! The number one ace gift for all of True Korea's children! JARRING CUT to a PRODUCT SHOT of a TOY HANDSOME-COPTER and KIM JONG UN action figure. TEXT: PURCHASE IS MANDATORY! SUPPORTERS OF WESTERN INDUSTRY WILL BE SENT TO RE-EDUCATION CENTER 3. A LOUD, ABRASIVE HUMMING plays under the shot. BACK TO SCENE. Kim Jong Un dives out of the helicopter, lands in a perfect handstand on the stage, then does a forward front spring and lands in a fighting pose. PSY Kim Jong Un! This ends now! RAHHHHHHH! Kim Jong Un and Psy draw swords and charge each other in split-screen. They leap into the air and we enter SLOW MOTION. INTENSE MUSIC RISES. Right before they hit, an OLD MAN pops into frame. OLD MAN Now is the time for explaining to origin of Kim Jong Un's righteous fury! SMASH CUT TO: EXT. NORTH KOREAN TEMPLE In washed-out FLASHBACK, BAMBOO PIPES play as Kim Jong Un teaches a younger Psy to dance. OLD MAN (V.O.) Many years ago, Psy was a student of Kim Jong Un, learning the ways of dance and appealing pudginess. A topless Un and Psy eat noodles together. LOWER THIRD: SOURCE: Kim Jong Un's History of Music and Miscellaneous Robot Doodles, Volumes XII - XIV. OLD MAN (V.O.) But Psy could not stand that Un would always be the better dancer, sommelier, and go kart driver. Psy watches with anger as 1.) Kim Jong Un does the Gangam Style dance. 2.) Kim Jong Un serves wine to a delighted elderly couple. (Psy spills wine on the laps of his patrons.) 3.) Kim Jong Un easily beats Psy in a Go Kart race. OLD MAN (V.O.) So one night, he snuck into his master's quarters, stole the Sacred Funk Dragon, and used its power for personal gain and glory. Kim Jong Un sleeps (floating slightly above the bed) and Psy sneaks in, steals a GOLDEN DRAGON NECKLACE (the dragon has sunglasses and a bucket) from the bedside table, and places it around his neck. CUT TO: EXT. PSY CONCERT The Old Man finishes his story. OLD MAN From that moment, Un vowed to- AH! Psy slams into him, knocking him off frame. Psy tries to stand up, but Kim Jong Un has his sword at his throat. PSY You can beat me in combat, Un. But can you beat me... in DANCE? Kim Jong Un thinks. He steps back as Psy stands up and DRAMATIC MUSIC rises. Suddenly, the music SLAMS to GANGHAM STYLE. Un and Psy do a ridiculous, synchronized Gangham Style dance. The audience stares, unable to look away. AUDIENCE MEMBER 1 Such... beauty... AUDIENCE MEMBER 2 I now see, next to a true master of dance, Psy's moves resemble those of a syphilitic water buffalo! Kim Jong Un and Psy begin to GLOW. ANGLE ON two teenagers: TEENAGER 1 If I watch their dancing any longer, my eyes will surely melt out of their sockets! TEENAGER 2 I don't care! TEENAGER 1 Me neither! HISS. Their eyeballs melt. The dance battle continues. ELECTRICITY crackles. A VORTEX opens on stage. ROBOT MINISTER The sheer power of their dance is tearing the universe apart! INSERT SHOT OF EARTH: A DARK FISSURE is beginning to form, starting in the vicinity of North Korea. PSY I'll destroy all of existence before I bow to you, Kim Jong Un! Kim Jong Un furrows his brow. It's time to get serious. He stops dancing, powers up, and splits into FIVE SEPARATE DANCERS, each with a distinct "boy band" outfit. (Leather jacket, floppy hair, tight jeans, etc.) Psy is scared. PSY (CONT'D) The- The five member explosive pop sensation technique! I- I thought it was just a myth! Kim Jong Un and his clones perform an awesome, N-Sync-style choreographed dance. Then, in an anime-style FINISHING MOVE, they all surround Psy and streak across him one by one. Psy, defeated, collapses to the ground. His dead body transforms into thousands of roaches and scatters from inside his clothes with a HISS. Un closes his eyes and stands up. TEENAGER Not only did you defeat Psy, you saved the community center and brought these orphan's parents back to life! ANGLE ON: Adorable orphans with ZOMBIE PARENTS. ORPHANS WE LOVE YOU KIM JONG UN! The entire stadium starts chanting: AUDIENCE KIM JONG UN! KIM JONG UN! KIM JONG UN! Kim Jong Un starts dancing to UPBEAT HOUSE MUSIC. The Robot Minister kneeslides in behind him and rips a guitar solo. The audience CHEERS! Their cheers grow louder and louder until - SPLAT - their heads explode. It's instantly DEAD QUIET. CLOSE on Kim Jong Un's face as some blood hits it. He nods solemnly. A single tear rolls down his cheek. ROLL CREDITS. KIM JONG UN!!