The North Korean demigod fights pop superstar Psy in a battle of good versus earth-shatteringly good.
By Ben Joseph
KIM JONG UN TITLE SEQUENCE. This week's images: Kim Jong Un
wins an ostrich race, Swiss Family Robinson-style. Plays
chess against giant floating brains. Wears a leather
jumpsuit and crawls through a web of lasers.
The Adventures of KIM JONG UN! /
Written and directed by KIM JONG
Kim Jong Un does a keg stand. Is a merman with a trident and
a beard. Fights pirates in a Peter Pan outfit.
No theme song is ever good enough
for KIM JONG UN! / Many singers
have died at the hands of KIM JONG
Oh god he's coming. Please come
help me. They're holding me at-
(clears throat, loud again)
KIM JONG UN! /Kim Jong-
GUNSHOT. CUT TO TITLE CARD:
Today's Episode! A Great Deceit
Revealed And Many Wrongs Righted!
Or... Psy-onora Suckers!
The SECOND TITLE slides onto screen. A final LOWER THIRD
appears: STORY AND TELEPLAY BY KIM JONG UN CUT TO:
EXT. PSY CONCERT
South Korean pop sensation PSY does his signature dance for
a SHRIEKING CROWD.
I love Gangham Style!
Psy's moves are so freshy swag, and
certainly not stolen from any world
ROBOT MINISTER (V.O.)
THAT IS AN INCORRECT FALSEHOOD!
A SPOTLIGHT pops onto Psy. WHIP TO REVEAL its source: A
HELICOPTER shaped like Kim Jong Un's face. KIM JONG UN and
the ROBOT MINISTER lean out of it.
It's Kim Jong Un's Handsome-
copter! The number one ace gift for
all of True Korea's children!
JARRING CUT to a PRODUCT SHOT of a TOY HANDSOME-COPTER and
KIM JONG UN action figure. TEXT: PURCHASE IS MANDATORY!
SUPPORTERS OF WESTERN INDUSTRY WILL BE SENT TO RE-EDUCATION
CENTER 3. A LOUD, ABRASIVE HUMMING plays under the shot.
BACK TO SCENE. Kim Jong Un dives out of the helicopter,
lands in a perfect handstand on the stage, then does a
forward front spring and lands in a fighting pose.
Kim Jong Un! This ends now!
Kim Jong Un and Psy draw swords and charge each other in
split-screen. They leap into the air and we enter SLOW
MOTION. INTENSE MUSIC RISES. Right before they hit, an OLD
MAN pops into frame.
Now is the time for explaining to
origin of Kim Jong Un's righteous
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. NORTH KOREAN TEMPLE
In washed-out FLASHBACK, BAMBOO PIPES play as Kim Jong Un
teaches a younger Psy to dance.
OLD MAN (V.O.)
Many years ago, Psy was a student
of Kim Jong Un, learning the ways
of dance and appealing pudginess.
A topless Un and Psy eat noodles together. LOWER THIRD:
SOURCE: Kim Jong Un's History of Music and Miscellaneous
Robot Doodles, Volumes XII - XIV.
OLD MAN (V.O.)
But Psy could not stand that Un
would always be the better dancer,
sommelier, and go kart driver.
Psy watches with anger as 1.) Kim Jong Un does the Gangam
Style dance. 2.) Kim Jong Un serves wine to a delighted
elderly couple. (Psy spills wine on the laps of his
patrons.) 3.) Kim Jong Un easily beats Psy in a Go Kart
OLD MAN (V.O.)
So one night, he snuck into his
master's quarters, stole the Sacred
Funk Dragon, and used its power for
personal gain and glory.
Kim Jong Un sleeps (floating slightly above the bed) and Psy
sneaks in, steals a GOLDEN DRAGON NECKLACE (the dragon has
sunglasses and a bucket) from the bedside table, and places
it around his neck. CUT TO:
EXT. PSY CONCERT
The Old Man finishes his story.
From that moment, Un vowed to- AH!
Psy slams into him, knocking him off frame. Psy tries to
stand up, but Kim Jong Un has his sword at his throat.
You can beat me in combat, Un. But
can you beat me... in DANCE?
Kim Jong Un thinks. He steps back as Psy stands up and
DRAMATIC MUSIC rises. Suddenly, the music SLAMS to GANGHAM
STYLE. Un and Psy do a ridiculous, synchronized Gangham
Style dance. The audience stares, unable to look away.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
I now see, next to a true master of
dance, Psy's moves resemble those
of a syphilitic water buffalo!
Kim Jong Un and Psy begin to GLOW. ANGLE ON two teenagers:
If I watch their dancing any
longer, my eyes will surely melt
out of their sockets!
I don't care!
HISS. Their eyeballs melt. The dance battle continues.
ELECTRICITY crackles. A VORTEX opens on stage.
The sheer power of their dance is
tearing the universe apart!
INSERT SHOT OF EARTH: A DARK FISSURE is beginning to form,
starting in the vicinity of North Korea.
I'll destroy all of existence
before I bow to you, Kim Jong Un!
Kim Jong Un furrows his brow. It's time to get serious. He
stops dancing, powers up, and splits into FIVE SEPARATE
DANCERS, each with a distinct "boy band" outfit. (Leather
jacket, floppy hair, tight jeans, etc.) Psy is scared.
The- The five member explosive pop
sensation technique! I- I thought
it was just a myth!
Kim Jong Un and his clones perform an awesome, N-Sync-style
choreographed dance. Then, in an anime-style FINISHING MOVE,
they all surround Psy and streak across him one by one.
Psy, defeated, collapses to the ground. His dead body
transforms into thousands of roaches and scatters from
inside his clothes with a HISS. Un closes his eyes and
Not only did you defeat Psy, you
saved the community center and
brought these orphan's parents back
ANGLE ON: Adorable orphans with ZOMBIE PARENTS.
WE LOVE YOU KIM JONG UN!
The entire stadium starts chanting:
KIM JONG UN! KIM JONG UN! KIM JONG
Kim Jong Un starts dancing to UPBEAT HOUSE MUSIC. The Robot
Minister kneeslides in behind him and rips a guitar solo.
The audience CHEERS! Their cheers grow louder and louder
until - SPLAT - their heads explode. It's instantly DEAD
CLOSE on Kim Jong Un's face as some blood hits it. He nods
solemnly. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
ROLL CREDITS. KIM JONG UN!!