The Secret of HBO Go

By

Patrick Cassels

          INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

          A young MAN and a pretty WOMAN sit on a couch, laughing and
          having a drink. There are two empty plates in front of them.

                              WOMAN
                    Okay. I should head out.

                              MAN
                    What? Why?

                              WOMAN
                    Sorry, I'm like, obsessed with Game
                    of Thrones on HBO right now, and
                    I've got the next episode DVR'd.
                    "Winter is coming!" Haha.
                         (abruptly seductive)
                    So long.

                              MAN
                    DON'T GO! I mean, sorry, but we can
                    watch it here. I have HBO Go. It's
                    like HBO on your computer. But you
                    still need the TV subscription to
                    use it.

                              WOMAN
                    That sounds illogical.

                              MAN
                    It is. I'll get my laptop!

          He crawls over the couch and runs into his...

          INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

          He peeks to make sure the Woman isn't looking, then dials
          his phone. MUSIC CUE: The (royalty-free!) theme from
          "Carmen."

          INT. LIVING ROOM 1 - CONTINUOUS

          DAD is in a living room, reading a thick military history
          book titled, "Solid Handshakes of World War II." His phone
          rings and he answers it.

                              DAD
                    Yello?

                              MAN
                    Dad, I need your HBO GO password.

                              DAD
                    Ah geez. You know I really
                    shouldn't keep giving you the
                    password like this. It's basically
                    stealing, right?

                              MAN
                    Come on, Dad!

                              DAD
                    Just hold on while I find it...

          Dad puts the phone down and takes a nervous breath.

                              DAD
                    Fuck.

          INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

          HANK, another fatherly type, is on the phone with the Dad.

                              HANK
                    Jim, what the H-E-double hoser
                    sticks are you doing calling at
                    this hour?

                              DAD
                    I need your HBO GO password! Again!

                              HANK
                    You're yanking my chain!

                              DAD
                    Me and Margie are gonna get our own
                    subscription tomorrow, and that's a
                    promise. But I got my son on the
                    horn and, well, you'd be doing me a
                    favor.

                              HANK
                    I think it's on the freezer.

          He puts the phone down.

                              HANK
                    Shit shit shit shit.

          EXT. KWIK-E-MARK - MOMENTS LATER

          DYLAN, a junior high student, rides his BMX with friends.
          Hank, still in his PJs, runs up, drenched in sweat.

                              HANK
                    Dylan!

                              DYLAN
                    Professor Dabrowski?

                              HANK
                    Dylan! I need the HBO GO password
                    you gave me. Again.

                              DYLAN
                    What?

                              HANK
                    I said...

          EXT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

          A slick WALL STREET type in his OFFICE. He does a line of
          coke and picks up a phone.

                              DYLAN (VO)
                    ...I need your HBO GO password.

                              WALL STREET
                    I gave you that password in good
                    faith.

          Dylan listens into his phone. Hank/Mr. Dabrowski is in the
          distant background, waiting impatiently.

                              WALL STREET (VO)
                    And how do you repay my generosity?

          SMASH CUT to a GANGSTER, on the phone. He chews out the
          Executive.

                              GANGSTER
                    By handing it out to some punk with
                    no cable and a hard-on for "Treme?"
                    Does the concept of personal
                    property...

          CUT TO an Old Woman on the phone with the Gangster.

                              OLD WOMAN
                    ...man NOTHING to you? That
                    password was a symbol of trust. The
                    only people I gave it to were you,
                    my sister-in-law...

          QUICK CUTS of sillier password smugglers yelling:

                              CLOWN
                    The guy who checks my gas meter.

                              STRIPPER
                    This nice family I met at Six
                    Flags.

                              SOLDIER
                    The 1986 New York Mets.

          CUT TO a ROCK STAR on stage. (We only see him and a few
          heads, but lights and SFX suggest a huge arena.)

                              ROCK STASR
                    And everyone here tonight!!!

                              DISTANT PERSON IN CROWD (O.C.)
                         (beat)
                    So... do you have the password?

          This kicks off a quicker series, tracing our chain of
          password-seekers down the line:

                              GANGSTER
                    Do you have the password?

                              WALL STREET
                    I really need that password.

                              DYLAN
                    Do you have the password or not?

                              HANK
                    The password, Dylan!

                              DAD
                    The password, Hank!

                              MAN
                    Dad, do you have the password?

          CUT TO BARACK OBAMA in a DARKENED OFFICE.

                              BARACK OBAMA
                    Everyone wants it, sir. And it
                    turns out you're the original
                    owner.

          REVERSE SHOT reveals TONY SOPRANO (in footage taken from a
          Dr. Melfi "Sopranos" scene).

                              BARACK OBAMA
                    So... can I have it?

                              JAMES GANDOLFINI
                    Go fuck yourself.

                                                        JUMP CUT:

          INT. ORIGINAL APARTMENT

          Our original Man. The pretty Woman walks out.

                              MAN
                         (calling after her)
                    I still have Hulu Plus!

          END.