By Patrick Cassels
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT A young MAN and a pretty WOMAN sit on a couch, laughing and having a drink. There are two empty plates in front of them. WOMAN Okay. I should head out. MAN What? Why? WOMAN Sorry, I'm like, obsessed with Game of Thrones on HBO right now, and I've got the next episode DVR'd. "Winter is coming!" Haha. (abruptly seductive) So long. MAN DON'T GO! I mean, sorry, but we can watch it here. I have HBO Go. It's like HBO on your computer. But you still need the TV subscription to use it. WOMAN That sounds illogical. MAN It is. I'll get my laptop! He crawls over the couch and runs into his... INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS He peeks to make sure the Woman isn't looking, then dials his phone. MUSIC CUE: The (royalty-free!) theme from "Carmen." INT. LIVING ROOM 1 - CONTINUOUS DAD is in a living room, reading a thick military history book titled, "Solid Handshakes of World War II." His phone rings and he answers it. DAD Yello? MAN Dad, I need your HBO GO password. DAD Ah geez. You know I really shouldn't keep giving you the password like this. It's basically stealing, right? MAN Come on, Dad! DAD Just hold on while I find it... Dad puts the phone down and takes a nervous breath. DAD Fuck. INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER HANK, another fatherly type, is on the phone with the Dad. HANK Jim, what the H-E-double hoser sticks are you doing calling at this hour? DAD I need your HBO GO password! Again! HANK You're yanking my chain! DAD Me and Margie are gonna get our own subscription tomorrow, and that's a promise. But I got my son on the horn and, well, you'd be doing me a favor. HANK I think it's on the freezer. He puts the phone down. HANK Shit shit shit shit. EXT. KWIK-E-MARK - MOMENTS LATER DYLAN, a junior high student, rides his BMX with friends. Hank, still in his PJs, runs up, drenched in sweat. HANK Dylan! DYLAN Professor Dabrowski? HANK Dylan! I need the HBO GO password you gave me. Again. DYLAN What? HANK I said... EXT. OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER A slick WALL STREET type in his OFFICE. He does a line of coke and picks up a phone. DYLAN (VO) ...I need your HBO GO password. WALL STREET I gave you that password in good faith. Dylan listens into his phone. Hank/Mr. Dabrowski is in the distant background, waiting impatiently. WALL STREET (VO) And how do you repay my generosity? SMASH CUT to a GANGSTER, on the phone. He chews out the Executive. GANGSTER By handing it out to some punk with no cable and a hard-on for "Treme?" Does the concept of personal property... CUT TO an Old Woman on the phone with the Gangster. OLD WOMAN ...man NOTHING to you? That password was a symbol of trust. The only people I gave it to were you, my sister-in-law... QUICK CUTS of sillier password smugglers yelling: CLOWN The guy who checks my gas meter. STRIPPER This nice family I met at Six Flags. SOLDIER The 1986 New York Mets. CUT TO a ROCK STAR on stage. (We only see him and a few heads, but lights and SFX suggest a huge arena.) ROCK STASR And everyone here tonight!!! DISTANT PERSON IN CROWD (O.C.) (beat) So... do you have the password? This kicks off a quicker series, tracing our chain of password-seekers down the line: GANGSTER Do you have the password? WALL STREET I really need that password. DYLAN Do you have the password or not? HANK The password, Dylan! DAD The password, Hank! MAN Dad, do you have the password? CUT TO BARACK OBAMA in a DARKENED OFFICE. BARACK OBAMA Everyone wants it, sir. And it turns out you're the original owner. REVERSE SHOT reveals TONY SOPRANO (in footage taken from a Dr. Melfi "Sopranos" scene). BARACK OBAMA So... can I have it? JAMES GANDOLFINI Go fuck yourself. JUMP CUT: INT. ORIGINAL APARTMENT Our original Man. The pretty Woman walks out. MAN (calling after her) I still have Hulu Plus! END.