Guy Fieri doesn't get mad, he gets even... redder. He's red.
By Streeter Seidell
Open on Guy, reading the NYTimes
G: Whu-oh! Looks like Peter Wells from the New Dork Times
didn't dig my new BESTaraunt, Guy's American Kitchen and Bar
in Times Square. He's eviscerating my new joint and he's
doing it HIS way! I just gotta check this out!
Here are some quotes... (these should appear on screen, over
- Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like
- When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME
TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?
- And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the
donkey are we supposed to think about?
(mimicking tasting something)
OK, I'm getting some bitterness..some resentment...that
predetermination is really coming through!
This guy's got all kinds of questions like that. And let me
answer them all with my favorite word: Yes! That's my thing,
Guy, do you want to wear three wristbands on your forearm?
YES! (a 'rock n' roll' font YES appears with each punch)
Guy, do you want to write a cookbook with the dudes from
Smash Mouth? Yes!
Guy, are you a time traveler from 1997, sucked into a
wormhole and deposited in modern times? Yes!
(CUT - abrupt punch in)
And I will find a way back to my own time
(back to normal)
I'm all about yes! And this world could use a few more
people like me: portly, permanently sunburned so-cal santa
clauses dipping a finger in your sauce and telling you it's
But bummer you had a bad time at my new grub hub, bud! I
hate seeing people down in the dumps. And speaking of dumps,
if you and the crew from the Times rolls by again, don't
order the Ooey gooey mooey bonanaza burger with Guy's S.O.G.
(words appear spelling out "Salt. Oil. Grease.") fries. The
beef shipment we got last week was like Billy Zane in
Titanic: It went bad! Eat that and you'll get a case of
I'd love for you to come on back to Flavor Town, New York
Times. Be like Jennifer Love Hewitt in the end of Can't
Hardly Wait, and give me another chance. Come back and try
the joint again and we'll pull out all the stops - We've got
some killer new dishes that will make your taste buds scream
louder than I do when I get my hair chemically whitened!
Kickin chicken Fieri's fiesta fajitas with Douche sauce.
Guy's Gargantuan Gallon of Gravy and grits. Bodacious
Blackened beans and baked brie on a bed of brioche and
branzini bits! That one is so good I'd eat it on a flip
flop! Scratch that, I will eat it on a flip flop, because
that's what it's served on!
But hey, this is America and everyone is entitled to their
opinion! I can't change your mind, just like I can't change
my look. If I did other time travelers from 1997 wouldn't be
able to recognize me as one of them. I think the food at
Guy's American Ktchen and Bar is off the chain wallet, but
the NY Times and I are just going to have to agree to
disagree. The important thing is that we're both doing it
OUR way! But one last thing before I go, Peter Wells
(Cut, punch in)
Lick my sunburnt taint, you pretentious, elitist
pencil-pushing dickweed. Enjoy scribbling your critiques on
a Tumblr after the internet kills your wheezing, geriatric
husk of a business model you irrelevant, chirping assbag!
I'm an icon and a treasure, you're an afterthought and an
Mi case, su case hombres. Come back anytime. I'll mix up a
special batch of Donkey Sauce for you! (mimics jerking off)
I'm Guy Fieri, and I'm living in a pre-9/11 world!