Batman Can't Stop Thinking About Sex

By

Front Page Films

          INT. GOTHAM CITY HALL - DAY

          Batman kicks bane towards a STONE PODIUM.

                              BATMAN
                    WHERE IS THE TRIGGER!

          Batman lifts Bane by his throat, pinning him against a stone
          platform. BANE'S MASK IS BROKEN, TUBES DISCONNECTED.

                              BANE
                    I broke you. How have you come
                    back?

                              BATMAN
                    You thought you were the only one
                    who could learn the strength to
                    escape?

                              BANE
                    I never escaped. Ra's al Ghul
                    rescued me.

                              BATMAN
                         (confused)
                    The child of Ra's al Ghul made the
                    climb -

                              TALIA (O.S.)
                    But he is not the child of Ra's al
                    Ghul...

          Reveal TALIA AL GHUL.

                              TALIA (CONT'D)
                    I am.

          Batman flinches as A KNIFE SLIDES INTO HIS RIBS.

                              BATMAN
                    What? Miranda?

                              TALIA
                    Talia. Al Ghul, here to finish my
                    father's work.

                              BATMAN
                    But we totally had sex.

                              TALIA
                    Yes, I know...

                              BATMAN
                    FULL BLOWN sex, like, three times.

                              TALIA
                    A cruel ploy to gain your
                    confidence.

                              BATMAN
                    If that was a cruel ploy, sign me
                    up for another.
                         (to Bane)
                    She was doing some crazy stuff.

                              BANE
                    When the mission is at hand, no act
                    is off limits.

                              BATMAN
                    Totally agree with you. There was
                    nothing off limits. It was like an
                    all-you-can-fuck buffet.

          Bane and Talia break their sinister tone.

                              TALIA
                    Okay, cool it.

                              BATMAN
                    Whatever. You sound like Sean
                    Connery wearing a catcher's mask.

                              BANE
                         (changing the subject)
                    You must be wondering how we came
                    to this moment, Mr. Wayne.

                              BATMAN
                    Well, some stuff happened, she
                    sucked my dick...a lot...

                              TALIA
                         (tries to shrug it off)
                    My father could not accept Bane.

                              BATMAN
                    How did that taste by the way? I
                    hadn't showered that day, and I
                    fight crime in a rubber suit...

                              TALIA
                         (ignoring Batman)
                    He only saw a monster that could
                    never be tamed.

                              BATMAN
                    You were pretty good at taming my
                    monster.

                              TALIA
                    SHUT UP! OKAY?!

                              BATMAN
                    ...with your mouth.

                              TALIA
                         (hangs her head in
                         frustration, through grit)
                         teeth)
                    ANYWAY...I could not truly forgive
                    my father, until you...killed him

                              BATMAN
                    Oh yeah! It's kind of funny you
                    called me daddy, because I totally
                    killed yours.

                              BANE
                    ENOUGH! THAT IS MY LOVE YOU'RE
                    SPEAKING TO! I AM HER PROTECTOR!

                              BATMAN
                    You're her protector? That's weird,
                    because we didn't use any
                    protection.

                              BANE
                    You motherfu--

                              TALIA
                    No, Bane. It doesn't matter. These
                    words will be his last.

                              BATMAN
                    Your last words were "pull my
                    hair."

                              TALIA
                    Stop! I didn't escape from that pit
                    for this insolence.

                              BATMAN
                    Oh yeah, how did you do that?

                              TALIA
                    Well, I jumped from the ledge with
                    all my strength--

                              BATMAN
                         (interrupting)
                    No, not that. That thing you did to
                    my balls.

                              BANE
                    Wait, what did you do to his balls?

                              TALIA
                    It doesn't matter.
                         (to Batman)
                    You realize a nuclear bomb is about
                    to blow up Gotham and you have a
                    knife in you, right?

                              BATMAN
                    Oh, yeah. It's weird that this is
                    the second time one of us stabbed
                    the other.

                              TALIA
                    Okay, very funny.

                              BATMAN
                    I stabbed you. With my dick.
                         (then)
                    And just to clarify for guy-who-
                    breathes-through-a-crab. This is
                    the second time one of us has stuck
                    a hard eight inches into the other
                    up to the ribs.

                              BANE
                    We get it--

                              BATMAN
                    But when I did it to her, she loved
                    it.

          Talia holds up the BOMB TRIGGER to Batman.

                              TALIA
                    ENOUGH! Soon you will feel the fire
                    of twelve million souls you failed.

                              BATMAN
                    Will that be with a boom or more of
                    a bang? You seem to prefer a
                    bang...

          Talia twists the knife in Batman's side.

                              TALIA
                    You see, it's the slow knife...the
                    knife that takes its time...that's
                    the knife--
                         (arms the trigger)
                    --that cuts deepest.

          She twists. Batman screams. Talia and Bane grin maniacally.

                              BATMAN
                    That was my impression of this one
                    when she's getting it, right where
                    she wants it.

          Batman takes off his glove and sniffs his fingers.

                              BATMAN (CONT'D)
                    Oh yeah. That's the stuff.
                         (holding out hand to Bane)
                    Which tube do you smell out of?

                              TALIA
                    Okay, fuck this, I'm just going to
                    blow Gotham up now.
                         (becoming tender, to Bane)
                    Goodbye my love.

          Bane cries a single tear.

                              BATMAN
                    Awww, Bane. You're crying? Is your
                    face all wet? Like mine was at the
                    beginning and hers was at the end?

                              BANE
                    PRESS THE BUTTON!

                              BATMAN
                    It was totally pornographic.

          Talia presses the trigger. Nothing.

                              TALIA
                    You gave Gordon a way to block my
                         signal. No matter.
                         (Looks at watch)
                    He's bought himself eleven minutes.

          Batman pulls PANTIES out of his utility belt.

                              BATMAN
                    And you should buy yourself another
                    pair of panties.

                              BATMAN (CONT'D)
                    Cause you left these at my house,
                    and now they're mine.

          Batman takes a deep whiff. Talia and Bane are grossed out.

                              BATMAN (CONT'D)
                    I keep them in the air lock with my
                    suit. 
                         (to Bane)
                    Now you have my permission to cry.

          END.