From CH Staff on
The Dark Knight isn't the only thing rising because also his penis is rising.
By Front Page Films
INT. GOTHAM CITY HALL - DAY Batman kicks bane towards a STONE PODIUM. BATMAN WHERE IS THE TRIGGER! Batman lifts Bane by his throat, pinning him against a stone platform. BANE'S MASK IS BROKEN, TUBES DISCONNECTED. BANE I broke you. How have you come back? BATMAN You thought you were the only one who could learn the strength to escape? BANE I never escaped. Ra's al Ghul rescued me. BATMAN (confused) The child of Ra's al Ghul made the climb - TALIA (O.S.) But he is not the child of Ra's al Ghul... Reveal TALIA AL GHUL. TALIA (CONT'D) I am. Batman flinches as A KNIFE SLIDES INTO HIS RIBS. BATMAN What? Miranda? TALIA Talia. Al Ghul, here to finish my father's work. BATMAN But we totally had sex. TALIA Yes, I know... BATMAN FULL BLOWN sex, like, three times. TALIA A cruel ploy to gain your confidence. BATMAN If that was a cruel ploy, sign me up for another. (to Bane) She was doing some crazy stuff. BANE When the mission is at hand, no act is off limits. BATMAN Totally agree with you. There was nothing off limits. It was like an all-you-can-fuck buffet. Bane and Talia break their sinister tone. TALIA Okay, cool it. BATMAN Whatever. You sound like Sean Connery wearing a catcher's mask. BANE (changing the subject) You must be wondering how we came to this moment, Mr. Wayne. BATMAN Well, some stuff happened, she sucked my dick...a lot... TALIA (tries to shrug it off) My father could not accept Bane. BATMAN How did that taste by the way? I hadn't showered that day, and I fight crime in a rubber suit... TALIA (ignoring Batman) He only saw a monster that could never be tamed. BATMAN You were pretty good at taming my monster. TALIA SHUT UP! OKAY?! BATMAN ...with your mouth. TALIA (hangs her head in frustration, through grit) teeth) ANYWAY...I could not truly forgive my father, until you...killed him BATMAN Oh yeah! It's kind of funny you called me daddy, because I totally killed yours. BANE ENOUGH! THAT IS MY LOVE YOU'RE SPEAKING TO! I AM HER PROTECTOR! BATMAN You're her protector? That's weird, because we didn't use any protection. BANE You motherfu-- TALIA No, Bane. It doesn't matter. These words will be his last. BATMAN Your last words were "pull my hair." TALIA Stop! I didn't escape from that pit for this insolence. BATMAN Oh yeah, how did you do that? TALIA Well, I jumped from the ledge with all my strength-- BATMAN (interrupting) No, not that. That thing you did to my balls. BANE Wait, what did you do to his balls? TALIA It doesn't matter. (to Batman) You realize a nuclear bomb is about to blow up Gotham and you have a knife in you, right? BATMAN Oh, yeah. It's weird that this is the second time one of us stabbed the other. TALIA Okay, very funny. BATMAN I stabbed you. With my dick. (then) And just to clarify for guy-who- breathes-through-a-crab. This is the second time one of us has stuck a hard eight inches into the other up to the ribs. BANE We get it-- BATMAN But when I did it to her, she loved it. Talia holds up the BOMB TRIGGER to Batman. TALIA ENOUGH! Soon you will feel the fire of twelve million souls you failed. BATMAN Will that be with a boom or more of a bang? You seem to prefer a bang... Talia twists the knife in Batman's side. TALIA You see, it's the slow knife...the knife that takes its time...that's the knife-- (arms the trigger) --that cuts deepest. She twists. Batman screams. Talia and Bane grin maniacally. BATMAN That was my impression of this one when she's getting it, right where she wants it. Batman takes off his glove and sniffs his fingers. BATMAN (CONT'D) Oh yeah. That's the stuff. (holding out hand to Bane) Which tube do you smell out of? TALIA Okay, fuck this, I'm just going to blow Gotham up now. (becoming tender, to Bane) Goodbye my love. Bane cries a single tear. BATMAN Awww, Bane. You're crying? Is your face all wet? Like mine was at the beginning and hers was at the end? BANE PRESS THE BUTTON! BATMAN It was totally pornographic. Talia presses the trigger. Nothing. TALIA You gave Gordon a way to block my signal. No matter. (Looks at watch) He's bought himself eleven minutes. Batman pulls PANTIES out of his utility belt. BATMAN And you should buy yourself another pair of panties. BATMAN (CONT'D) Cause you left these at my house, and now they're mine. Batman takes a deep whiff. Talia and Bane are grossed out. BATMAN (CONT'D) I keep them in the air lock with my suit. (to Bane) Now you have my permission to cry. END.