The final two survivors take this blood-soaked festival of blood to its blood-drenched conclusion! Also, blood!
By Owen Parsons
MONTAGE - "LAST TIME ON HARDLY WORKING"
Quick cuts of everyone's horrible death, ending on Dan and
Emily pointing guns at each other.
Over black: Gunshot
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - DAY
DAN and EMILY hunker behind opposing desks. They shoot
wildly at each other. In between, other staff go on working.
Sam approaches Emily, horrified.
Whoa, whoa! What are you two doing?
Trying to kill each other so Death
spares one of us. We'll be done in
No, I mean why is no one updating
the website? Get back to work!
Are you gonna take our guns?
Pff. No. Who am I, Obama? Seriously
though, he's ruining this country.
Sam wanders off, muttering. A bullet ricochets past Emily.
I think we should have a truce.
You just shot at me!
Yeah, but now I'm out of bullets.
A bullet ricochets past Dan.
(checking her clip)
Me too. Okay. Truce. One of us is
just going to die anyway.
Not necessarily. Remember the
foolproof plan I had back before
you killed Streeter?
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - EP 3 FLASHBACK
Sepia-tone: Dan talks to STREET/OWEN/EMILY/JOSH/MURPH
We prop up a big box, bait it with
some peanut butter, and when Death
goes for it we pull the string, and
trap him like a rat.
I love you, Dan. Your balls are
totally normal and not fucked up!
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
That's not what happened AND that's
the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - LATER
DEATH, a grim reaper in a cloak & scythe combo, reaches for
the peanut butter lure beneath the exact box trap Dan
described. The box falls, trapping Death's upper body.
Grim Reaper bursts up out of the box, scythe in hand.
Ominous music. Dan and Emily cower.
INSIGNIFICANT MORTALS. You think
you can cheat me? I am Death. The
end of all things. Prepare for ME.
Behind him, GALE BEGGY passes by with a stack of papers.
Death rears back to strike.
Wait wait! You two know each other?
Of course, Sienna.
Mortimus & I met on the edge of the
universe, the year one trillion,
when all space and time finally
crumbles into everlasting void.
We split a taco salad and watched
time unravel from the backseat of
my Kia Sorento. I'd never seen
anything so beautiful. And the view
wasn't bad either.
I was ready to give up the scythe,
the job, everything. Just to spend
eternity with this angel. But then
she never called me back. Wellp,
Death rears back to strike.
Wait, wait! Gale, why didn't you
call back this handsome... man?
I did! I called you for weeks on my
She holds up a dead rat.
That's an upside down rat.
Oh! You're right! It's was is
She flips it right side up and dials on its stomach. Death's
cell phone rings.
You did care.
Kiss me, you dirty bone man.
Death grabs Gale and leans in. We cut back and forth between
his creepy face and Gale's puckered weirdo mug. They kiss
passionately OS. Emily & Dan look uncomfortable.
Ha ha! I'm in love! No one dies
today! This is going to cause
sooooo many problems!
Death vanishes in a burst of CGI crows.
Gale, you saved us!
Anytime, Washer Dryer.
And you know what they say... now
your deaths belong to me!
Dan and Emily look uncertain. Gale laughs. They all laugh.
Gale flips down a hockey mask and revs a chainsaw.
Dan & Emily scream. Bloody letters spray on the wall: