Hardly Working: Final Destination (Part 5)

By

Owen Parsons

          MONTAGE - "LAST TIME ON HARDLY WORKING"

          Quick cuts of everyone's horrible death, ending on Dan and
          Emily pointing guns at each other.

          Over black: Gunshot

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - DAY

          DAN and EMILY hunker behind opposing desks. They shoot
          wildly at each other. In between, other staff go on working.
          Sam approaches Emily, horrified.

                              SAM
                    Whoa, whoa! What are you two doing?

                              EMILY
                    Trying to kill each other so Death
                    spares one of us. We'll be done in
                    a sec.

                              SAM
                    No, I mean why is no one updating
                    the website? Get back to work!

                              EMILY
                    Are you gonna take our guns?

                              SAM
                    Pff. No. Who am I, Obama? Seriously
                    though, he's ruining this country.

          Sam wanders off, muttering. A bullet ricochets past Emily.

                              EMILY
                    Hey!

                              DAN
                    I think we should have a truce.

                              EMILY
                    You just shot at me!

                              DAN
                    Yeah, but now I'm out of bullets.

          A bullet ricochets past Dan.

                              EMILY
                         (checking her clip)
                    Me too. Okay. Truce. One of us is
                    just going to die anyway.

                              DAN
                    Not necessarily. Remember the
                    foolproof plan I had back before
                    you killed Streeter?

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - EP 3 FLASHBACK

          Sepia-tone: Dan talks to STREET/OWEN/EMILY/JOSH/MURPH

                              DAN
                    We prop up a big box, bait it with
                    some peanut butter, and when Death
                    goes for it we pull the string, and
                    trap him like a rat.

                              EMILY
                    I love you, Dan. Your balls are
                    totally normal and not fucked up!

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

                              EMILY
                    That's not what happened AND that's
                    the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

                              DAN
                    Is it?

                              EMILY
                    Yes.

                              DAN
                    Is it?

                              EMILY
                    Yes.

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - LATER

          DEATH, a grim reaper in a cloak & scythe combo, reaches for
          the peanut butter lure beneath the exact box trap Dan
          described. The box falls, trapping Death's upper body.

                              DAN
                    Got him!

                              EMILY
                    What.

          Grim Reaper bursts up out of the box, scythe in hand.
          Ominous music. Dan and Emily cower.

                              DEATH
                    INSIGNIFICANT MORTALS. You think
                    you can cheat me? I am Death. The
                    end of all things. Prepare for ME.

          Behind him, GALE BEGGY passes by with a stack of papers.

                              GALE
                    Hey baybees.

                              DEATH
                    Hi Gale.

          Death rears back to strike.

                              DAN
                    Wait wait! You two know each other?

                              GALE
                    Of course, Sienna.

                              DAN
                    Dan.

                              GALE
                    Mortimus & I met on the edge of the
                    universe, the year one trillion,
                    when all space and time finally
                    crumbles into everlasting void.

                              DEATH
                    We split a taco salad and watched
                    time unravel from the backseat of
                    my Kia Sorento. I'd never seen
                    anything so beautiful. And the view
                    wasn't bad either.

                              GALE
                    Oh, stop.

                              DEATH
                    I was ready to give up the scythe,
                    the job, everything. Just to spend
                    eternity with this angel. But then
                    she never called me back. Wellp,
                    killing time.

          Death rears back to strike.

                              EMILY
                    Wait, wait! Gale, why didn't you
                    call back this handsome... man?

                              GALE
                    I did! I called you for weeks on my
                    bandroid phone.

          She holds up a dead rat.

                              DAN
                    That's an upside down rat.

                              GALE
                    Oh! You're right! It's was is
                    upside-down.

          She flips it right side up and dials on its stomach. Death's
          cell phone rings.

                              DEATH
                    You did care.

                              GALE
                    Kiss me, you dirty bone man.

          Death grabs Gale and leans in. We cut back and forth between
          his creepy face and Gale's puckered weirdo mug. They kiss
          passionately OS. Emily & Dan look uncomfortable.

                              DEATH
                    Ha ha! I'm in love! No one dies
                    today! This is going to cause
                    sooooo many problems!

          Death vanishes in a burst of CGI crows.

                              EMILY
                    Gale, you saved us!

                              GALE
                    Anytime, Washer Dryer.

                              EMILY
                    Emily.

                              GALE
                    And you know what they say... now
                    your deaths belong to me!

          Dan and Emily look uncertain. Gale laughs. They all laugh.
          Gale flips down a hockey mask and revs a chainsaw.

          Dan & Emily scream. Bloody letters spray on the wall:

          HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

          End.