The final two survivors take this blood-soaked festival of blood to its blood-drenched conclusion! Also, blood!
By Owen Parsons
MONTAGE - "LAST TIME ON HARDLY WORKING" Quick cuts of everyone's horrible death, ending on Dan and Emily pointing guns at each other. Over black: Gunshot INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - DAY DAN and EMILY hunker behind opposing desks. They shoot wildly at each other. In between, other staff go on working. Sam approaches Emily, horrified. SAM Whoa, whoa! What are you two doing? EMILY Trying to kill each other so Death spares one of us. We'll be done in a sec. SAM No, I mean why is no one updating the website? Get back to work! EMILY Are you gonna take our guns? SAM Pff. No. Who am I, Obama? Seriously though, he's ruining this country. Sam wanders off, muttering. A bullet ricochets past Emily. EMILY Hey! DAN I think we should have a truce. EMILY You just shot at me! DAN Yeah, but now I'm out of bullets. A bullet ricochets past Dan. EMILY (checking her clip) Me too. Okay. Truce. One of us is just going to die anyway. DAN Not necessarily. Remember the foolproof plan I had back before you killed Streeter? INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - EP 3 FLASHBACK Sepia-tone: Dan talks to STREET/OWEN/EMILY/JOSH/MURPH DAN We prop up a big box, bait it with some peanut butter, and when Death goes for it we pull the string, and trap him like a rat. EMILY I love you, Dan. Your balls are totally normal and not fucked up! INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - CONTINUOUS EMILY That's not what happened AND that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. DAN Is it? EMILY Yes. DAN Is it? EMILY Yes. INT. COLLEGEHUMOR OFFICE - LATER DEATH, a grim reaper in a cloak & scythe combo, reaches for the peanut butter lure beneath the exact box trap Dan described. The box falls, trapping Death's upper body. DAN Got him! EMILY What. Grim Reaper bursts up out of the box, scythe in hand. Ominous music. Dan and Emily cower. DEATH INSIGNIFICANT MORTALS. You think you can cheat me? I am Death. The end of all things. Prepare for ME. Behind him, GALE BEGGY passes by with a stack of papers. GALE Hey baybees. DEATH Hi Gale. Death rears back to strike. DAN Wait wait! You two know each other? GALE Of course, Sienna. DAN Dan. GALE Mortimus & I met on the edge of the universe, the year one trillion, when all space and time finally crumbles into everlasting void. DEATH We split a taco salad and watched time unravel from the backseat of my Kia Sorento. I'd never seen anything so beautiful. And the view wasn't bad either. GALE Oh, stop. DEATH I was ready to give up the scythe, the job, everything. Just to spend eternity with this angel. But then she never called me back. Wellp, killing time. Death rears back to strike. EMILY Wait, wait! Gale, why didn't you call back this handsome... man? GALE I did! I called you for weeks on my bandroid phone. She holds up a dead rat. DAN That's an upside down rat. GALE Oh! You're right! It's was is upside-down. She flips it right side up and dials on its stomach. Death's cell phone rings. DEATH You did care. GALE Kiss me, you dirty bone man. Death grabs Gale and leans in. We cut back and forth between his creepy face and Gale's puckered weirdo mug. They kiss passionately OS. Emily & Dan look uncomfortable. DEATH Ha ha! I'm in love! No one dies today! This is going to cause sooooo many problems! Death vanishes in a burst of CGI crows. EMILY Gale, you saved us! GALE Anytime, Washer Dryer. EMILY Emily. GALE And you know what they say... now your deaths belong to me! Dan and Emily look uncertain. Gale laughs. They all laugh. Gale flips down a hockey mask and revs a chainsaw. Dan & Emily scream. Bloody letters spray on the wall: HAPPY THANKSGIVING. End.