Looper Has Sex with Himself

By

Adam Conover & Owen Parsons

          EXT. CANE FIELD

          YOUNG JOE stands with his gun extended towards a tarp on the
          ground. A long beat.

          VVVP! OLD JOE appears on the tarp. He raises his eyes. Young
          Joe tenses. They share a tense "will he, won't he" beat.

          Young Joe throws his gun down and starts unbuttoning his
          pants. Old Joe does the same.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    Oh this is so hot.

                              OLD JOE
                    Yeah. Finally, I can suck my own
                    dick.

          Both of them are still fumbling with their pants in their
          excitement.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    Uh, I can't wait to get my dick
                    sucked by me.

                              OLD JOE
                    Yeah, well, technically, you're
                    going to suck my dick.

          Young Joe looks up as he stumbles out of his pants.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    What?

                              OLD JOE
                         (amused)
                    Wh -- you didn't think I was going
                    to do you, did you? Oh, wow.
                    Awkward!

                              YOUNG JOE
                         (stunned)
                    Why --

                              OLD JOE
                         (laughs)
                    Kid, I didn't travel thirty years
                    back in time to suck a dick. Okay,
                    have at it!

          In one smooth motion he tears his underpants off. (His dick
          is blurred.)

                              YOUNG JOE
                    Whoa! No way!

                              OLD JOE
                    What? That's our dream! We can
                    finally give ourselves a wicked
                    beej no strings attached!

                              YOUNG JOE
                    Yeah, I know! But why can't you --

                              OLD JOE
                    Look, I'm from the future, kid. I
                    know how this goes down. Thirty
                    years ago I sucked an older me's
                    dick. Now, thirty years later, I
                    get my dick sucked. The same will
                    happen to you. It's a win win.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    I'm not going to spend the next
                    thirty years thinking about the
                    time I blew an old man in a
                    cornfield.

          VVVVP! Another OLD JOE appears. He's also pantsless.

                              OLD JOE TWO
                    Let's do this.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    Who is this guy?

                              OLD JOE
                    Huh. I guess your blow jay is so
                    good, I come back  for seconds.

                              

                              OLD JOE TWO
                    Aw yeah.

          They fistbump.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    Why can't you two just blow each
                    other?

          The Old Joes look at each other.

                              OLD JOE ONE AND TWO
                    Uhh...

                              OLD JOE TWO / OLD JOE ONE
                    ... time paradox. / Yeah, time
                    paradox.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    Why is that a paradox?

                              OLD JOE ONE
                    I don't want to argue about time
                    travel! I just want --

                              YOUNG JOE
                    I know what you want.

                              OLD JOE TWO
                         (quietly to Old Joe One)
                    Wow, I don't remember being such a
                    little bitch thirty years ago.

          VVVVP! A MIDDLE AGED JOE with stringy balding hair. He
          starts setting up a film lighting rig.

                              MIDDLE AGED JOE
                    Hey, how the hell are ya!

                              OLD JOE
                    Oh right, this happens.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    WHAT happens?

          Middle Aged Joe puts a camera on a tripod.

                              OLD JOE TWO
                    Fifteen years ago I set up a time
                    travel porn studio. Time travel
                    porn is huge in the future. We make
                    millions!

          He holds up a DVD -- it has a cover image of a nude Young
          Joe and reads "PAST SELVES GONE WILD."

                              OLD JOE ONE
                    Oh man, I thought I lost that!

                              OLD JOE TWO
                    Nah, we left it behind the couch.

                              YOUNG JOE
                         (considering this)
                    Okay, so if I suck both of your
                    dicks, I become a millionaire, and
                    then in thirty years, I get my dick
                    sucked twice?

                              OLD JOE / OLD JOE TWO
                    Yep. / All there is to it.

                              YOUNG JOE
                         (shrugging)
                    Okay, what the he --

          VVP VVP VVP VVP! Slowly, then quickly, HUNDREDS MORE OLD
          JOES appear behind Old Joe. Young Joe jumps back and grabs
          his blunderbuss.

                              YOUNG JOE
                    Hey what the fuck?!

                              OLD JOE
                    You know what, it's coming back to
                    me. One day when I was 23, I blew
                    four hundred versions of myself in
                    a cornfield.

          Everything goes into slow motion.

                              YOUNG JOE (V.O.)
                    And then I saw it. It was a circle.

          Four hundred versions of Old Joe unbuckle their pants
          excitedly and high five each other.

                              YOUNG JOE (V.O.)
                    A perfect loop. A dick, sucking
                    itself over, and over again. So I
                    changed it.

          He clutches his blunderbuss for a moment. Suddenly, he bends
          at the waist, ducking out of frame. Sucking sounds.

                              OLD JOE ONE
                    My God, he's --

                              OLD JOE TWO
                    Changed history.

          The Old Joes start disappearing, one by one, from the back
          to the front. The two Old Joes exchange a look.

                              OLD JOE ONE
                    Quick, before we disappear, you do
                    me and I do you.

          They both disappear.

                                                    CUT TO BLACK.

          POST-HUH

          VFX: A newspaper spins in.

                              HEADLINE: RAINMAKER TAKES CONTROL OF MOB
                    Ability to suck own dick
                    unstoppable