From CH Staff on
You can't change your destiny. It just feels too damn good.
By Adam Conover & Owen Parsons
EXT. CANE FIELD YOUNG JOE stands with his gun extended towards a tarp on the ground. A long beat. VVVP! OLD JOE appears on the tarp. He raises his eyes. Young Joe tenses. They share a tense "will he, won't he" beat. Young Joe throws his gun down and starts unbuttoning his pants. Old Joe does the same. YOUNG JOE Oh this is so hot. OLD JOE Yeah. Finally, I can suck my own dick. Both of them are still fumbling with their pants in their excitement. YOUNG JOE Uh, I can't wait to get my dick sucked by me. OLD JOE Yeah, well, technically, you're going to suck my dick. Young Joe looks up as he stumbles out of his pants. YOUNG JOE What? OLD JOE (amused) Wh -- you didn't think I was going to do you, did you? Oh, wow. Awkward! YOUNG JOE (stunned) Why -- OLD JOE (laughs) Kid, I didn't travel thirty years back in time to suck a dick. Okay, have at it! In one smooth motion he tears his underpants off. (His dick is blurred.) YOUNG JOE Whoa! No way! OLD JOE What? That's our dream! We can finally give ourselves a wicked beej no strings attached! YOUNG JOE Yeah, I know! But why can't you -- OLD JOE Look, I'm from the future, kid. I know how this goes down. Thirty years ago I sucked an older me's dick. Now, thirty years later, I get my dick sucked. The same will happen to you. It's a win win. YOUNG JOE I'm not going to spend the next thirty years thinking about the time I blew an old man in a cornfield. VVVVP! Another OLD JOE appears. He's also pantsless. OLD JOE TWO Let's do this. YOUNG JOE Who is this guy? OLD JOE Huh. I guess your blow jay is so good, I come back for seconds. OLD JOE TWO Aw yeah. They fistbump. YOUNG JOE Why can't you two just blow each other? The Old Joes look at each other. OLD JOE ONE AND TWO Uhh... OLD JOE TWO / OLD JOE ONE ... time paradox. / Yeah, time paradox. YOUNG JOE Why is that a paradox? OLD JOE ONE I don't want to argue about time travel! I just want -- YOUNG JOE I know what you want. OLD JOE TWO (quietly to Old Joe One) Wow, I don't remember being such a little bitch thirty years ago. VVVVP! A MIDDLE AGED JOE with stringy balding hair. He starts setting up a film lighting rig. MIDDLE AGED JOE Hey, how the hell are ya! OLD JOE Oh right, this happens. YOUNG JOE WHAT happens? Middle Aged Joe puts a camera on a tripod. OLD JOE TWO Fifteen years ago I set up a time travel porn studio. Time travel porn is huge in the future. We make millions! He holds up a DVD -- it has a cover image of a nude Young Joe and reads "PAST SELVES GONE WILD." OLD JOE ONE Oh man, I thought I lost that! OLD JOE TWO Nah, we left it behind the couch. YOUNG JOE (considering this) Okay, so if I suck both of your dicks, I become a millionaire, and then in thirty years, I get my dick sucked twice? OLD JOE / OLD JOE TWO Yep. / All there is to it. YOUNG JOE (shrugging) Okay, what the he -- VVP VVP VVP VVP! Slowly, then quickly, HUNDREDS MORE OLD JOES appear behind Old Joe. Young Joe jumps back and grabs his blunderbuss. YOUNG JOE Hey what the fuck?! OLD JOE You know what, it's coming back to me. One day when I was 23, I blew four hundred versions of myself in a cornfield. Everything goes into slow motion. YOUNG JOE (V.O.) And then I saw it. It was a circle. Four hundred versions of Old Joe unbuckle their pants excitedly and high five each other. YOUNG JOE (V.O.) A perfect loop. A dick, sucking itself over, and over again. So I changed it. He clutches his blunderbuss for a moment. Suddenly, he bends at the waist, ducking out of frame. Sucking sounds. OLD JOE ONE My God, he's -- OLD JOE TWO Changed history. The Old Joes start disappearing, one by one, from the back to the front. The two Old Joes exchange a look. OLD JOE ONE Quick, before we disappear, you do me and I do you. They both disappear. CUT TO BLACK. POST-HUH VFX: A newspaper spins in. HEADLINE: RAINMAKER TAKES CONTROL OF MOB Ability to suck own dick unstoppable