Gandalf Street Magic

By

Dan Gurewitch & Patrick Cassels

          EXT. FOREST - DAY

          Cheesy shots of GANDALF: Stoic looks, douchey hand motions.
          (These will also function as transitions between scenes.)

                              MELODRAMATIC ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                    An amazing new talent astounds
                    Middle Earth. His name... is
                    Gandalf.

          TITLE CARD: GANDALF: STREET MAGIC

          EXT. FOREST - DAY

          NOTE: Hand-held shots; quick zooms; naturalistic acting; 
	  random looks to camera.

          Gandalf approaches FRODO and SAMWISE, smoking their pipes.

                              GANDALF
                    'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Can I show
                    you something?

                              FRODO
                         (looking at Sam skeptically)
                    Depends on what it is, man.

                              GANDALF
                         (handing Frodo a coin)
                    I want you to put this coin in your
                    hand and squeeze it real tight.

                              SAMWISE
                    What's this clown up to?

                              GANDALF
                    Open your hand.

          Frodo opens his hand. The coin is GONE.

                              SAMWISE/FRODO
                    WHAT?!/WHERE'D IT GO?!

                              GANDALF
                    Relax. Smoke your pipe.

          Frodo takes a drag. He coughs, confused, then pulls the coin
          from the pipe. Frodo is dumbfounded. Sam stomps a few feet
          away, hands in his hair; then returns.

                              SAMWISE
                    No! No! No, man! NO!

                              FRODO
                         (slight overlap w/Sam)
                    That was incredible. That's gonna
                    drive me nuts.

          EXT. COURTYARD/GARDEN

          Gandalf stands in front of the broken NARSIL SWORD with
          ARWEN and ARAGRON, whose arms are around each other.

                              GANDALF
                    Can I see that broken sword?

                              ARAGORN
                    Uh, yeah I guess.

          Gandalf collects the shards and squeezes them together.

                              ARWEN
                    Um, what are you even, like-?

          PAN BACK DOWN to the sword. It's WHOLE AGAIN. Aragorn goes
          slack-jawed. Arwen gives Gandalf a hard-but-playful SHOVE.

                              ARWEN
                    SHUT UP. STOP THAT.

          JUMP CUT to Aragorn addressing camera, moments later:

                              ARAGORN
                    That was unreal! That sword was
                    shattered when Elendil fell in the
                    last alliance of man and elf in the
                    great battle against Sauron. And he
                    just, like, took it in his hand and
                    fixed it! Like! I mean...!

                              ARWEN (O.C.)
                    Babe?

          PAN TO Arwen and Gandalf. Arwen is holding BROKEN SHARDS.

                              ARWEN
                    He broke it again.

          INT. GLOOMY, ROCKY AREA #1

          Gandalf performs a card trick for two ORCS. One of them
          opens his hand, revealing a playing card.

                              ORC 1
                    THIS IS NOT MY CARD!!!

                              GANDALF
                    Sorry, sometimes I mess this one
                    up. Wait, why don't you look inside
                    your friend?

          Orc 1 gives Gandalf a quizzical/skeptical look. Then he
          shrugs and VIOLENTLY CUTS OPEN ORC 2'S THROAT.

                              GANDALF
                    What's that in there?

          Orc 1 pulls a bloodied card from Orc 2's throat as Orc 2
          gurgles and dies. He looks at the card and freaks out.

                              ORC 1
                    THAT'S MY CARD!
                         (pacing back & forth; to
                         nobody in particular)
                    THAT'S NO TRICK! THAT SHIT'S REAL!
                    IT'S FOR REAL!

          EXT. FOREST - DAY

          LEGOLAS gives an excited post-trick testimonial to camera.

                              LEGOLAS
                    He just bent a quarter with his
                    teeth! It was the most incredible
                    thing I've ever seen in my life!

          O.C.: A SQUAWK and the sound of FLAPPING WINGS.

                              LEGOLAS
                    I'd make him do it again but he
                    just flew away on a giant eagle.
                         (shaking his head; to himself)
                    Just bent it.

          EXT. GLOOMY, ROCKY AREA #2

          Gandalf stands next to a RING WRAITH (cloak etc.), as the
          wraith finishes scribbling something on some parchment.

                              GANDALF
                    So you're writing down the name of
                    the person you're hunting.

                              RING WRAITH
                    Yeah, one sec. Okay, done.

                              GANDALF
                    Show it to camera.

          Wraith shows us the parchment. He's written "FRODO BAGGINS."

                              GANDALF
                    Is this it?

          Gandalf lifts up his robe, revealing "Frodo Baggins" written
          across his stomach. (Also, his BLURRED-OUT DICK.)

                              RING WRAITH
                         (hands on his head)
                    FUCK!

          INT. MOUNT DOOM

          Gandalf approaches Frodo, who has his arm wound back, an
          instant from tossing the One Ring into Mt. Doom.

                              GANDALF
                    'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Can I see
                    your ring?

                              FRODO
                    Uh, I was actually about to throw
                    it into this volcano.

                              GANDALF
                    Sure about that? Open your hand.

          Frodo opens his hand. The ring is gone.

                              FRODO
                    NO WAYYYYYYY-

          HARD CUT TO:

          GOTHIC TEXT OVER BLACK: SO BEGAN 1,000 YEARS OF DARKNESS.

          END.