Middle Earth has its own David Blaine. Unfortunately. With Larry Hankin.
By Dan Gurewitch & Patrick Cassels
EXT. FOREST - DAY
Cheesy shots of GANDALF: Stoic looks, douchey hand motions.
(These will also function as transitions between scenes.)
MELODRAMATIC ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
An amazing new talent astounds
Middle Earth. His name... is
TITLE CARD: GANDALF: STREET MAGIC
EXT. FOREST - DAY
NOTE: Hand-held shots; quick zooms; naturalistic acting;
random looks to camera.
Gandalf approaches FRODO and SAMWISE, smoking their pipes.
'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Can I show
(looking at Sam skeptically)
Depends on what it is, man.
(handing Frodo a coin)
I want you to put this coin in your
hand and squeeze it real tight.
What's this clown up to?
Open your hand.
Frodo opens his hand. The coin is GONE.
WHAT?!/WHERE'D IT GO?!
Relax. Smoke your pipe.
Frodo takes a drag. He coughs, confused, then pulls the coin
from the pipe. Frodo is dumbfounded. Sam stomps a few feet
away, hands in his hair; then returns.
No! No! No, man! NO!
(slight overlap w/Sam)
That was incredible. That's gonna
drive me nuts.
Gandalf stands in front of the broken NARSIL SWORD with
ARWEN and ARAGRON, whose arms are around each other.
Can I see that broken sword?
Uh, yeah I guess.
Gandalf collects the shards and squeezes them together.
Um, what are you even, like-?
PAN BACK DOWN to the sword. It's WHOLE AGAIN. Aragorn goes
slack-jawed. Arwen gives Gandalf a hard-but-playful SHOVE.
SHUT UP. STOP THAT.
JUMP CUT to Aragorn addressing camera, moments later:
That was unreal! That sword was
shattered when Elendil fell in the
last alliance of man and elf in the
great battle against Sauron. And he
just, like, took it in his hand and
fixed it! Like! I mean...!
PAN TO Arwen and Gandalf. Arwen is holding BROKEN SHARDS.
He broke it again.
INT. GLOOMY, ROCKY AREA #1
Gandalf performs a card trick for two ORCS. One of them
opens his hand, revealing a playing card.
THIS IS NOT MY CARD!!!
Sorry, sometimes I mess this one
up. Wait, why don't you look inside
Orc 1 gives Gandalf a quizzical/skeptical look. Then he
shrugs and VIOLENTLY CUTS OPEN ORC 2'S THROAT.
What's that in there?
Orc 1 pulls a bloodied card from Orc 2's throat as Orc 2
gurgles and dies. He looks at the card and freaks out.
THAT'S MY CARD!
(pacing back & forth; to
nobody in particular)
THAT'S NO TRICK! THAT SHIT'S REAL!
IT'S FOR REAL!
EXT. FOREST - DAY
LEGOLAS gives an excited post-trick testimonial to camera.
He just bent a quarter with his
teeth! It was the most incredible
thing I've ever seen in my life!
O.C.: A SQUAWK and the sound of FLAPPING WINGS.
I'd make him do it again but he
just flew away on a giant eagle.
(shaking his head; to himself)
Just bent it.
EXT. GLOOMY, ROCKY AREA #2
Gandalf stands next to a RING WRAITH (cloak etc.), as the
wraith finishes scribbling something on some parchment.
So you're writing down the name of
the person you're hunting.
Yeah, one sec. Okay, done.
Show it to camera.
Wraith shows us the parchment. He's written "FRODO BAGGINS."
Is this it?
Gandalf lifts up his robe, revealing "Frodo Baggins" written
across his stomach. (Also, his BLURRED-OUT DICK.)
(hands on his head)
INT. MOUNT DOOM
Gandalf approaches Frodo, who has his arm wound back, an
instant from tossing the One Ring into Mt. Doom.
'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Can I see
Uh, I was actually about to throw
it into this volcano.
Sure about that? Open your hand.
Frodo opens his hand. The ring is gone.
HARD CUT TO:
GOTHIC TEXT OVER BLACK: SO BEGAN 1,000 YEARS OF DARKNESS.