From CH Staff on
Middle Earth has its own David Blaine. Unfortunately. With Larry Hankin.
By Dan Gurewitch & Patrick Cassels
EXT. FOREST - DAY Cheesy shots of GANDALF: Stoic looks, douchey hand motions. (These will also function as transitions between scenes.) MELODRAMATIC ANNOUNCER (V.O.) An amazing new talent astounds Middle Earth. His name... is Gandalf. TITLE CARD: GANDALF: STREET MAGIC EXT. FOREST - DAY NOTE: Hand-held shots; quick zooms; naturalistic acting; random looks to camera. Gandalf approaches FRODO and SAMWISE, smoking their pipes. GANDALF 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Can I show you something? FRODO (looking at Sam skeptically) Depends on what it is, man. GANDALF (handing Frodo a coin) I want you to put this coin in your hand and squeeze it real tight. SAMWISE What's this clown up to? GANDALF Open your hand. Frodo opens his hand. The coin is GONE. SAMWISE/FRODO WHAT?!/WHERE'D IT GO?! GANDALF Relax. Smoke your pipe. Frodo takes a drag. He coughs, confused, then pulls the coin from the pipe. Frodo is dumbfounded. Sam stomps a few feet away, hands in his hair; then returns. SAMWISE No! No! No, man! NO! FRODO (slight overlap w/Sam) That was incredible. That's gonna drive me nuts. EXT. COURTYARD/GARDEN Gandalf stands in front of the broken NARSIL SWORD with ARWEN and ARAGRON, whose arms are around each other. GANDALF Can I see that broken sword? ARAGORN Uh, yeah I guess. Gandalf collects the shards and squeezes them together. ARWEN Um, what are you even, like-? PAN BACK DOWN to the sword. It's WHOLE AGAIN. Aragorn goes slack-jawed. Arwen gives Gandalf a hard-but-playful SHOVE. ARWEN SHUT UP. STOP THAT. JUMP CUT to Aragorn addressing camera, moments later: ARAGORN That was unreal! That sword was shattered when Elendil fell in the last alliance of man and elf in the great battle against Sauron. And he just, like, took it in his hand and fixed it! Like! I mean...! ARWEN (O.C.) Babe? PAN TO Arwen and Gandalf. Arwen is holding BROKEN SHARDS. ARWEN He broke it again. INT. GLOOMY, ROCKY AREA #1 Gandalf performs a card trick for two ORCS. One of them opens his hand, revealing a playing card. ORC 1 THIS IS NOT MY CARD!!! GANDALF Sorry, sometimes I mess this one up. Wait, why don't you look inside your friend? Orc 1 gives Gandalf a quizzical/skeptical look. Then he shrugs and VIOLENTLY CUTS OPEN ORC 2'S THROAT. GANDALF What's that in there? Orc 1 pulls a bloodied card from Orc 2's throat as Orc 2 gurgles and dies. He looks at the card and freaks out. ORC 1 THAT'S MY CARD! (pacing back & forth; to nobody in particular) THAT'S NO TRICK! THAT SHIT'S REAL! IT'S FOR REAL! EXT. FOREST - DAY LEGOLAS gives an excited post-trick testimonial to camera. LEGOLAS He just bent a quarter with his teeth! It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my life! O.C.: A SQUAWK and the sound of FLAPPING WINGS. LEGOLAS I'd make him do it again but he just flew away on a giant eagle. (shaking his head; to himself) Just bent it. EXT. GLOOMY, ROCKY AREA #2 Gandalf stands next to a RING WRAITH (cloak etc.), as the wraith finishes scribbling something on some parchment. GANDALF So you're writing down the name of the person you're hunting. RING WRAITH Yeah, one sec. Okay, done. GANDALF Show it to camera. Wraith shows us the parchment. He's written "FRODO BAGGINS." GANDALF Is this it? Gandalf lifts up his robe, revealing "Frodo Baggins" written across his stomach. (Also, his BLURRED-OUT DICK.) RING WRAITH (hands on his head) FUCK! INT. MOUNT DOOM Gandalf approaches Frodo, who has his arm wound back, an instant from tossing the One Ring into Mt. Doom. GANDALF 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. Can I see your ring? FRODO Uh, I was actually about to throw it into this volcano. GANDALF Sure about that? Open your hand. Frodo opens his hand. The ring is gone. FRODO NO WAYYYYYYY- HARD CUT TO: GOTHIC TEXT OVER BLACK: SO BEGAN 1,000 YEARS OF DARKNESS. END.