From CH Staff on
They're on the cutting edge of miscommunication.UnsSubscribe ToFrom Troopers
By Ben Joseph, Patrick Cassels & Owen Parsons
INT. DREADLORD SINISTER'S OFFICE RICH bursts in, out of breath. RICH Dreadlord Sinister! Sir! There's been a prison breach- DREADLORD What did you say!? RICH Yes, I'm sorry, I don't know what- DREADLORD I can't hear people who aren't on my new holopad! Dreadlord gestures toward a LARGE, CIRCULAR PAD. Rich reluctantly steps on. An EIGHT-INCH, BLUE, SEMI-TRANSPARENT version of Rich appears on Dreadlord's desk. RICH Sir, I'm sorry to report that three guards were killed in the escape. DREADLORD (ignoring Rich) Oh! Oh, that is just delightful. (to Rich) It's like you, but in three dimensions! RICH Sir, there's a dangerous Kandarian Lizard Hunter loose on level four- DREADLORD Look at me when addressing me! RICH I am- Rich, realizing what he's talking about, stares into empty space, aligning his hologram's gaze with Sinister's. RICH I need your order to deploy containment drones. DREADLORD Don't you think there are more pressing concerns? RICH Like WHAT? DREADLORD Like the giant pencil in your head! Sinister is poking a pencil through hologram Rich's head. DREADLORD Oh, you must be in AGONY! RICH SIR! DREADLORD OK, fine, I'll conference dispatch in on the pho- (catches himself) -HOLOphone. Eh? Ehhh? (to himself) Now how do- The guy said- Dreadlord, confused, fiddles with his console. Next to Rich's, a hologram of an ALIEN wearing an apron pops up. ALIEN (ALIEN GIBBERISH) DREADLORD Oh, sorry. Wrong number- (beat; then) Actually, do you have BLTs? The alien responds with more gibberish. DREADLORD Oh, really? What do you have? (more gibberish) Read it to me. I have time. Rich stares at Dreadlord, stunned. LARRY bursts in. We momentarily glimpse laser blasts and a few screams outside. LARRY Sir! We don't know how he got a gun, but he's a really good shot. (distracted) Hey! Is that new HoloView Max? He pushes Rich off the pad and jumps on. LARRY (doing "robot" dance) I'm a robot! I'm a robot! (re: the hologram) A- a tiny one. Dreadlord laughs. He pulls a glass of water over. DREADLORD Quick, bend over. Larry nods and bends at the waist. His hologram bobs its head into the water like a Drinking Bird toy. DREADLORD (to Rich) Hey, have you seen my new desk toy? LARRY Gee, Your Darkness, I hope there aren't any giant hands around. DREADLORD (genuine confusion) Giant hands? What are you-- (realizing) Ah! Dreadlord lowers his palm on top of Larry. Larry raises his arms and reacts in mock horror. LARRY AH! IT'S THE HAND I WAS AFRAID OF! RICH Sir-- Rich sighs, shoves Larry off the pad, and takes his place. RICH Sir. Please! DREADLORD Okay, jeez. Calling security. Dreadlord tunes in a SECOND HOLOGRAM. It's a KANDARIAN LIZARD HUNTER holding the severed head of a security guard. LIZARD HUNTER [Threatening alien speak.] RICH (HORRIFIED YELL) LARRY (concerned) Is he OK? (to hologram) Carl, are you OK? DREADLORD Don't worry, I have a plan. Private! Squat into action position! RICH Yes, sir! Rich does a small squat, ready for action. DREADLORD Turn 90 degrees. Rich, still pumped, obliges. DREADLORD Now thrust with your hips. RICH (thrusting; turns) Sir, sorry, why am I--? Dreadlord and Larry laugh as Rich's hologram humps the Lizard Hunter's hologram. DREADLORD Lizard f*cker! END.