Troopers: Holopad

By

Ben Joseph, Patrick Cassels & Owen Parsons

          INT. DREADLORD SINISTER'S OFFICE

          RICH bursts in, out of breath.

                              RICH
                    Dreadlord Sinister! Sir! There's
                    been a prison breach-

                              DREADLORD
                    What did you say!?

                              RICH
                    Yes, I'm sorry, I don't know what-

                              DREADLORD
                    I can't hear people who aren't on
                    my new holopad!

          Dreadlord gestures toward a LARGE, CIRCULAR PAD. Rich
          reluctantly steps on. An EIGHT-INCH, BLUE, SEMI-TRANSPARENT
          version of Rich appears on Dreadlord's desk.

                              RICH
                    Sir, I'm sorry to report that three
                    guards were killed in the escape.

                              DREADLORD
                         (ignoring Rich)
                    Oh! Oh, that is just delightful.
                         (to Rich)
                    It's like you, but in three
                    dimensions!

                              RICH
                    Sir, there's a dangerous Kandarian
                    Lizard Hunter loose on level four-

                              DREADLORD
                    Look at me when addressing me!

                              RICH
                    I am-

          Rich, realizing what he's talking about, stares into empty
          space, aligning his hologram's gaze with Sinister's.

                              RICH
                    I need your order to deploy
                    containment drones.

                              DREADLORD
                    Don't you think there are more
                    pressing concerns?

                              RICH
                    Like WHAT?

                              DREADLORD
                    Like the giant pencil in your head!

          Sinister is poking a pencil through hologram Rich's head.

                              DREADLORD
                    Oh, you must be in AGONY!

                              RICH
                    SIR!

                              DREADLORD
                    OK, fine, I'll conference dispatch
                    in on the pho-
                         (catches himself)
                    -HOLOphone. Eh? Ehhh?
                         (to himself)
                    Now how do- The guy said-

          Dreadlord, confused, fiddles with his console. Next to
          Rich's, a hologram of an ALIEN wearing an apron pops up.

                              ALIEN
                    (ALIEN GIBBERISH)

                              DREADLORD
                    Oh, sorry. Wrong number-
                         (beat; then)
                    Actually, do you have BLTs?

          The alien responds with more gibberish.

                              DREADLORD
                    Oh, really? What do you have?
                         (more gibberish)
                    Read it to me. I have time.

          Rich stares at Dreadlord, stunned. LARRY bursts in. We
          momentarily glimpse laser blasts and a few screams outside.

                              LARRY
                    Sir! We don't know how he got a
                    gun, but he's a really good shot.
                         (distracted)
                    Hey! Is that new HoloView Max?

          He pushes Rich off the pad and jumps on.

                              LARRY
                         (doing "robot" dance)
                    I'm a robot! I'm a robot!
                         (re: the hologram)
                    A- a tiny one.

          Dreadlord laughs. He pulls a glass of water over.

                              DREADLORD
                    Quick, bend over.

          Larry nods and bends at the waist. His hologram bobs its
          head into the water like a Drinking Bird toy.

                              DREADLORD
                         (to Rich)
                    Hey, have you seen my new desk toy?

                              LARRY
                    Gee, Your Darkness, I hope there
                    aren't any giant hands around.

                              DREADLORD
                         (genuine confusion)
                    Giant hands? What are you--
                         (realizing)
                    Ah!

          Dreadlord lowers his palm on top of Larry. Larry raises his
          arms and reacts in mock horror.

                              LARRY
                    AH! IT'S THE HAND I WAS AFRAID OF!

                              RICH
                    Sir--

          Rich sighs, shoves Larry off the pad, and takes his place.

                              RICH
                    Sir. Please!

                              DREADLORD
                    Okay, jeez. Calling security.

          Dreadlord tunes in a SECOND HOLOGRAM. It's a KANDARIAN
          LIZARD HUNTER holding the severed head of a security guard.

                              LIZARD HUNTER
                    [Threatening alien speak.]

                              RICH
                    (HORRIFIED YELL)

                              LARRY
                         (concerned)
                    Is he OK?
                         (to hologram)
                    Carl, are you OK?

                              DREADLORD
                    Don't worry, I have a plan.
                    Private! Squat into action
                    position!

                              RICH
                    Yes, sir!

          Rich does a small squat, ready for action.

                              DREADLORD
                    Turn 90 degrees.

          Rich, still pumped, obliges.

                              DREADLORD
                    Now thrust with your hips.

                              RICH
                         (thrusting; turns)
                    Sir, sorry, why am I--?

          Dreadlord and Larry laugh as Rich's hologram humps the
          Lizard Hunter's hologram.

                              DREADLORD
                    Lizard f*cker!

                                                             END.