The holidays deck the halls with each other. Choose your victor! Click here for a Christmas Victory. Click here for a Hanukkah victory.
By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN
TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit
music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to-
CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character
thumbnails, so small they're hard to make out. Player One
and Two cursors flip through them, passing random characters
like "Madame Tussaud, Nikola Tesla, This Wrench" etc. They
settle on "CHRISTMAS" and "HANUKKAH," two HOLIDAY-THEMED
BATTLE ROBOTS, because why not. Fade out/in to-
EXT. NONDENOMINATIONAL WINTER PAGEANT STAGE - DAY
A CHRISTMAS TREE erupts from the ground. It spins so fast
the pines fly off, revealing CHRISTMAS BATTLE ROBOT.
Opposite, an ANCIENT TORAH-LIKE SCROLL appears in a burst of
dust. It unrolls, revealing a HANUKKAH BATTLE ROBOT who
jumps down off the scroll, ready for battle.
Have yourself a merry little
Tonight we light a candle. FOR YOUR
Their health bars fill above them.
3! 2! 1! Fight!
Christmas sprays a green tide of pine needles at Hanukkah.
Hanukkah folds up into a Dreidel and deflects the needles.
He spins across the screen, bashing Christmas up again into
the air. He unfolds and leaps up beneath Christmas to deal
Christmas glows like a five-point star, blasting a conical
starlight beam downwards. Hanukkah is caught in it & blasted
backwards across the screen, then rolls to his feet.
Hanukkah fires waves of chocolate coins at Christmas.
Christmas vaults over a TURKEY WEARING A PILGRIM HAT & lands
behind Hanukkah. He lands behind Hanukkah
Christmas unsheaths a baked ham and slugs Hanukkah with it.
Hanukkah rolls back across the screen and staggers to its
Christmas summons a tag-team partner.
Summon Assist! Santa Claus!
SANTA CLAUS, spinning his sack like a weapon, teleports in.
Hanukkah summons a tag-team partner.
Summon Assist! Adam Sandler!
ADAM SANDLER 'ports in, strumming a guitar.
Well howdee doo dah!
Santa Claus FLATTENS Sandler with his sack of gifts.
Sandler, crushed, teleports out.
Ho ho ho-OHH NOOOO!
Wide: Hanukkah torches Santa with a BEAM OF FIRE from his
shoulder-mounted Hanukkah Menorah. Santa's INCINERATED.
Hanukkah keeps blasting fire beams at Christmas, who gets
torched. An "OIL METER" appears underneath Hanukkah's health
bar and depletes as he uses his flame attack, down to zero.
Hanukkah's candles emit a puff of smoke as they go out.
Fuel Depleted! Oil Vey!
Christmas spins out a LONG WIRE of XMAS LIGHTS with a large
TANGLED LOOP on the end.
Christmas Light Slammer!
He slams it into Hanukkah. Hanukkah is ELECTROCUTED.
Black Friday Doorbuster!
Christmas tosses a box labeled "ON SALE" into Hanukkah's
arms. A portal opens beneath him, and DEMONIC SHOPPERS claw
up at him, doing damage and tearing it from his arms.
Christmas hoists a Xmas tree like a bazooka, and cocks it. A
BARRAGE OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS blast out of the bottom end of
the tree and crash into Hanukkah.
Hanukkah's health is depleted. Suddenly a BEAM of HOLY LIGHT
shines down on him. His "oil" meter fills back up & his
health bar refills a bit. His candles burn furiously.
Hanukkah uppercuts Christmas with a giant frying pan.
Christmas sizzles in oil & flies up into the air.
A JEWISH MOTHER ROBOT teleports down into the middle.
Who tracked mud all over my nice
clean battle arena? It's fine,
don't worry. I'll just mop it up
with my poor arthritic hands.
Sorry/ Sorry, ma'am/ So sorry...
Christmas takes guilt damage. Hanukkahbot chuckles.
And you! Bringing your buddies over
at all hours of the night! This is
the holidays, you spend time with
I'm sorry, I didn't- / I'm sorry
mom. / Really sorry...
Both robots take guilt damage until they're only at a sliver
of health. Game PAUSES.
Choose Your Victor!
An arcade game "CONTINUE" clock starts counting down from
10. Two options appear: HANUKKAH WINS or CHRISTMAS WINS.