From CH Staff on
By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to- CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character thumbnails, so small they're hard to make out. Player One and Two cursors flip through them, passing random characters like "Madame Tussaud, Nikola Tesla, This Wrench" etc. They settle on "CHRISTMAS" and "HANUKKAH," two HOLIDAY-THEMED BATTLE ROBOTS, because why not. Fade out/in to- EXT. NONDENOMINATIONAL WINTER PAGEANT STAGE - DAY A CHRISTMAS TREE erupts from the ground. It spins so fast the pines fly off, revealing CHRISTMAS BATTLE ROBOT. Opposite, an ANCIENT TORAH-LIKE SCROLL appears in a burst of dust. It unrolls, revealing a HANUKKAH BATTLE ROBOT who jumps down off the scroll, ready for battle. CHRISTMAS Have yourself a merry little ass-kicking! HANUKKAH Tonight we light a candle. FOR YOUR GRAVE! Their health bars fill above them. ANNOUNCER 3! 2! 1! Fight! CHRISTMAS Pine Needler! Christmas sprays a green tide of pine needles at Hanukkah. HANUKKAH Dreidel Deflect! Hanukkah folds up into a Dreidel and deflects the needles. He spins across the screen, bashing Christmas up again into the air. He unfolds and leaps up beneath Christmas to deal another blow. CHRISTMAS Treetopper! Christmas glows like a five-point star, blasting a conical starlight beam downwards. Hanukkah is caught in it & blasted backwards across the screen, then rolls to his feet. HANUKKAH Gelt Gun! Hanukkah fires waves of chocolate coins at Christmas. CHRISTMAS Christmas Creep! Christmas vaults over a TURKEY WEARING A PILGRIM HAT & lands behind Hanukkah. He lands behind Hanukkah CHRISTMAS Ham! Christmas unsheaths a baked ham and slugs Hanukkah with it. Hanukkah rolls back across the screen and staggers to its feet, dizzy. ANNOUNCER NONKOSHER DAMAGE! Christmas summons a tag-team partner. ANNOUNCER Summon Assist! Santa Claus! SANTA CLAUS, spinning his sack like a weapon, teleports in. Hanukkah summons a tag-team partner. ANNOUNCER Summon Assist! Adam Sandler! ADAM SANDLER 'ports in, strumming a guitar. ADAM SANDLER Well howdee doo dah! Santa Claus FLATTENS Sandler with his sack of gifts. Sandler, crushed, teleports out. SANTA CLAUS Ho ho ho-OHH NOOOO! Wide: Hanukkah torches Santa with a BEAM OF FIRE from his shoulder-mounted Hanukkah Menorah. Santa's INCINERATED. Hanukkah keeps blasting fire beams at Christmas, who gets torched. An "OIL METER" appears underneath Hanukkah's health bar and depletes as he uses his flame attack, down to zero. Hanukkah's candles emit a puff of smoke as they go out. ANNOUNCER Fuel Depleted! Oil Vey! Christmas spins out a LONG WIRE of XMAS LIGHTS with a large TANGLED LOOP on the end. CHRISTMAS Christmas Light Slammer! He slams it into Hanukkah. Hanukkah is ELECTROCUTED. CHRISTMAS Black Friday Doorbuster! Christmas tosses a box labeled "ON SALE" into Hanukkah's arms. A portal opens beneath him, and DEMONIC SHOPPERS claw up at him, doing damage and tearing it from his arms. ANNOUNCER Super Move! CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS MORNING! Christmas hoists a Xmas tree like a bazooka, and cocks it. A BARRAGE OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS blast out of the bottom end of the tree and crash into Hanukkah. Hanukkah's health is depleted. Suddenly a BEAM of HOLY LIGHT shines down on him. His "oil" meter fills back up & his health bar refills a bit. His candles burn furiously. ANNOUNCER MIRACLE SAVE! HANUKKAH Latke Uppercut! Hanukkah uppercuts Christmas with a giant frying pan. Christmas sizzles in oil & flies up into the air. ANNOUNCER Super Move! HANUKKAH Jewish... GUILT! A JEWISH MOTHER ROBOT teleports down into the middle. MOTHER ROBOT (to Christmas) Who tracked mud all over my nice clean battle arena? It's fine, don't worry. I'll just mop it up with my poor arthritic hands. CHRISTMAS Sorry/ Sorry, ma'am/ So sorry... ANNOUNCER SHAME DAMAGE! Christmas takes guilt damage. Hanukkahbot chuckles. MOTHER ROBOT (to Hanukkah) And you! Bringing your buddies over at all hours of the night! This is the holidays, you spend time with your family! HANUKKAH I'm sorry, I didn't- / I'm sorry mom. / Really sorry... ANNOUNCER SHAME BACKFIRE! Both robots take guilt damage until they're only at a sliver of health. Game PAUSES. ANNOUNCER Choose Your Victor! An arcade game "CONTINUE" clock starts counting down from 10. Two options appear: HANUKKAH WINS or CHRISTMAS WINS.