321 Fight: Christmas vs. Hanukkah

By

Owen Parsons

          ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN

          TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit
          music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to-

          CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character
          thumbnails, so small they're hard to make out. Player One
          and Two cursors flip through them, passing random characters
          like "Madame Tussaud, Nikola Tesla, This Wrench" etc. They
          settle on "CHRISTMAS" and "HANUKKAH," two HOLIDAY-THEMED
          BATTLE ROBOTS, because why not. Fade out/in to-

          EXT. NONDENOMINATIONAL WINTER PAGEANT STAGE - DAY

          A CHRISTMAS TREE erupts from the ground. It spins so fast
          the pines fly off, revealing CHRISTMAS BATTLE ROBOT.

          Opposite, an ANCIENT TORAH-LIKE SCROLL appears in a burst of
          dust. It unrolls, revealing a HANUKKAH BATTLE ROBOT who
          jumps down off the scroll, ready for battle.

                              CHRISTMAS
                    Have yourself a merry little
                    ass-kicking!

                              HANUKKAH
                    Tonight we light a candle. FOR YOUR
                    GRAVE!

          Their health bars fill above them.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    3! 2! 1! Fight!

                              CHRISTMAS
                    Pine Needler!

          Christmas sprays a green tide of pine needles at Hanukkah.

                              HANUKKAH
                    Dreidel Deflect!

          Hanukkah folds up into a Dreidel and deflects the needles.
          He spins across the screen, bashing Christmas up again into
          the air. He unfolds and leaps up beneath Christmas to deal
          another blow.

                              CHRISTMAS
                    Treetopper!

          Christmas glows like a five-point star, blasting a conical
          starlight beam downwards. Hanukkah is caught in it & blasted
          backwards across the screen, then rolls to his feet.

                              HANUKKAH
                    Gelt Gun!

          Hanukkah fires waves of chocolate coins at Christmas.

                              CHRISTMAS
                    Christmas Creep!

          Christmas vaults over a TURKEY WEARING A PILGRIM HAT & lands
          behind Hanukkah. He lands behind Hanukkah

                              CHRISTMAS
                    Ham!

          Christmas unsheaths a baked ham and slugs Hanukkah with it.
          Hanukkah rolls back across the screen and staggers to its
          feet, dizzy.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    NONKOSHER DAMAGE!

          Christmas summons a tag-team partner.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Summon Assist! Santa Claus!

          SANTA CLAUS, spinning his sack like a weapon, teleports in.
          Hanukkah summons a tag-team partner.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Summon Assist! Adam Sandler!

          ADAM SANDLER 'ports in, strumming a guitar.

                              ADAM SANDLER
                    Well howdee doo dah!

          Santa Claus FLATTENS Sandler with his sack of gifts.
          Sandler, crushed, teleports out.

                              SANTA CLAUS
                    Ho ho ho-OHH NOOOO!

          Wide: Hanukkah torches Santa with a BEAM OF FIRE from his
          shoulder-mounted Hanukkah Menorah. Santa's INCINERATED.

          Hanukkah keeps blasting fire beams at Christmas, who gets
          torched. An "OIL METER" appears underneath Hanukkah's health
          bar and depletes as he uses his flame attack, down to zero.

          Hanukkah's candles emit a puff of smoke as they go out.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Fuel Depleted! Oil Vey!

          Christmas spins out a LONG WIRE of XMAS LIGHTS with a large
          TANGLED LOOP on the end.

                              CHRISTMAS
                    Christmas Light Slammer!

          He slams it into Hanukkah. Hanukkah is ELECTROCUTED.

                              CHRISTMAS
                    Black Friday Doorbuster!

          Christmas tosses a box labeled "ON SALE" into Hanukkah's
          arms. A portal opens beneath him, and DEMONIC SHOPPERS claw
          up at him, doing damage and tearing it from his arms.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Super Move!

                              CHRISTMAS
                    CHRISTMAS MORNING!

          Christmas hoists a Xmas tree like a bazooka, and cocks it. A
          BARRAGE OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS blast out of the bottom end of
          the tree and crash into Hanukkah.

          Hanukkah's health is depleted. Suddenly a BEAM of HOLY LIGHT
          shines down on him. His "oil" meter fills back up & his
          health bar refills a bit. His candles burn furiously.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    MIRACLE SAVE!

                              HANUKKAH
                    Latke Uppercut!

          Hanukkah uppercuts Christmas with a giant frying pan.
          Christmas sizzles in oil & flies up into the air.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Super Move!

                              HANUKKAH
                    Jewish... GUILT!

          A JEWISH MOTHER ROBOT teleports down into the middle.

                              MOTHER ROBOT
                         (to Christmas)
                    Who tracked mud all over my nice
                    clean battle arena? It's fine,
                    don't worry. I'll just mop it up
                    with my poor arthritic hands.

                              CHRISTMAS
                    Sorry/ Sorry, ma'am/ So sorry...

                              ANNOUNCER
                    SHAME DAMAGE!

          Christmas takes guilt damage. Hanukkahbot chuckles.

                              MOTHER ROBOT
                         (to Hanukkah)
                    And you! Bringing your buddies over
                    at all hours of the night! This is
                    the holidays, you spend time with
                    your family!

                              HANUKKAH
                    I'm sorry, I didn't- / I'm sorry
                    mom. / Really sorry...

                              ANNOUNCER
                    SHAME BACKFIRE!

          Both robots take guilt damage until they're only at a sliver
          of health. Game PAUSES.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Choose Your Victor!

          An arcade game "CONTINUE" clock starts counting down from
          10. Two options appear: HANUKKAH WINS or CHRISTMAS WINS.