There's no place like home for the holidays, no matter how much you wish there were.
By Adam Conover
Zoom in on a sleepy suburban house.
Twas the night before Christmas, two thousand and twelve
We push in to enter a teenager's bedroom on the top floor.
and not a creature was sleeping, not even myself
The bed is empty. Whip pan to the basement, where Adam (in his late 20s) and his college-age sister are on the couch watching TV.
I was up drinking dad's booze, gettin' soused
Watching reruns of Seinfeld with sis on the couch
Pan through a messy, pre-Christmas house. A ton of Amazon boxes are piled up by the door.
Amazon boxes were piled haphazardly
In the hopes that someone might wrap them eventually
Upstairs, a haggard Mom stresses out over a pile of cookbooks.
While up in the kitchen Mom stressed and pulled hair
Trying to plan out the Christmas dinn-aire
She runs to the top of the stairs and screams down.
"You promised to help and I'm on my last nerve!"
Adam and his sis roll their eyes in boredom and hold up a bag of marshmallows.
"Ugh, we SAID, mom, we'd buy the hor devours!"
Pan to nearby where the kids have bought one box of Ritz crackers and a can of olives.
Cut to a beefy Dad in a Barnes and Noble late at night. No one else is there.
Dad was out late at the last Barnes and Noble
Trying to knock out his shopping in one big carloadful
He grabs stuff semi-randomly off the shelves and dumps it in his cart.
"A gift card for Mom, a book light for Deedee
And for Adam, a super good Jimmy Buffett CD!"
He grabs the CD happily. He KNOWS Adam's gonna love this!
Back in the downstairs den, Grandpa barged in and grabs the remote.
Then Grandpa barged in and turned on Bill O'Reilly
Sis got real miffed and invoked the Nazi party
Sister Deedee gets into a yelling match with Grandpa.
While Grandma found Mom and got super judgy
Grandma whisks her way into the kitchen and starts lecturing mom.
"Your house is a mess and your kids are all pudgy!"
Mom and Grandma start yelling at each other.
Dad stumbled in and tripped over the lighting
Dad comes home, armful of presents, and trips over a string of Christmas lights. He starts cursing like a dad.
Before anyone knew it, we all were fighting
The entire family shouts and screams at each other. Adam looks back and forth between everyone, then yells at the top of his lungs.
"STOP IT!" I yelled! And I got real sincere.
Christmas is stressful, but at least we're all here
The fire is lit, and it's the snowiest of weather
Let's be a family, and get drunk -- together.
He pours everyone a glass of booze, and they all toast and drink. Slow zoom out from the family watching Seinfeld reruns on the couch together, pleasantly drunk.