From CH Staff on
She's like a sister to you. A sexy, sexy sister.
By Ben Joseph
NOTE: This should narrated and edited at about twice the pace as a normal "The Six." YOU face camera, hopeful and nervous. L/3rd: YOU. NARRATOR This is you. REVERSE ANGLE: HER, beautiful. L/3rd: HER HER (this is hard for her) Look... I... Really value our friendship, OK? NARRATOR And this is the friend zone. Back on YOU, utterly destroyed. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Don't panic. You're smart, you can beat this. All you need is a plan. TITLE: THE SIX WAYS YOU'LL TRY TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE TITLE CARD: THE FRESH START You help walk her dog. She runs into a NICE GUY, hands the dog off to you, and starts flirting. Your face falls. Later, you collapse on your couch at home and think. NARRATOR (CONT'D) You need a second chance at a first impression. So, naturally, you'll fake your own death. SMASH CUT TO: Your funeral. She there's, mourning, and she notices... YOU, in AVIATORS and a LEATHER JACKET. Confused, she approaches you. You pretend not to recognize her. NARRATOR (CONT'D) You had a long lost twin? She had no idea. You'll want to call yourself Ace, but you won't, because that's awful. You stop introducing yourself. Start again. NARRATOR (CONT'D) So is Logan. You stop again. Fine. Later that night, you two walk in the PARK. NARRATOR (CONT'D) This time, you'll be cool, confident, and express no strong opinions about Dr. Who. This time, she'll "like like" you. Also, shared grief? Totally hot. She, overcome by your charm, leans in for a kiss, but stops. HER But... Your brother. YOU He would have wanted it this way. Trust me. NARRATOR It's the perfect plan. Right before you kiss, we FLASH BACK TO you on the couch. (This FLASH will separate fantasy and reality for us.) You call out to your Mom. YOU Mom! Can I borrow five thousand dollars for a fake funeral? MOM No, Honey. NARRATOR Almost. TITLE CARD: THE SECRET You two drink at a BAR. You're making her laugh, but her eyes keep drifting to a TALL DARK STRANGER. You realize: NARRATOR (CONT'D) Girls like mystery. Girls like secrets. You need a secret. QUICK CUTS of your FAMILY: DAD He still kind of needs training wheels. MOM He was Princess Jasmine for Halloween. Four times. FRIEND Once, when he was 14, he came into my bedroom and- You TACKLE HIM before he can finish. Back at the bar, you write on a NAPKIN while she talks to the stranger: GIRLS LIKE: -JAMES BOND -BATMAN -THAT GUY WITH THE HAIR (TWILIGHT?) NARRATOR Correction: You need a good secret. Like a superhero, or a vampire, or a spy. Or... All three. You circle ALL THE NAMES. FLASH TO YOUR FANTASY. We see: NARRATOR (CONT'D) You'll slip a cape and spandex into your laundry. You'll hire a Russian in a suit to ask questions about you. You'll act moody and stay out of the sunlight for a week. One night, she walks in a DARK, FOGGY ALLEY: NARRATOR (CONT'D) She'll be won over by your aura of mystery. You lurch out of the shadows, wearing a TUXEDO, a WOLVERINE MASK and CAPE and VAMPIRE FANGS. She looks at you and RUNS. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Or not. As you watch her go, two THUGS run out of the darkness and start beating the crap out of you. FLASH BACK to the bar. You crumble up the napkin and throw it away. TITLE CARD: THE RESEARCHER You, on your couch, look at her FACEBOOK PAGE, specifically her Favorite Movies, Books, etc. NARRATOR (CONT'D) What does she want in a guy? You realize you don't know. So you'll do some research. FLASH TO: A PARK. She talks with her FRIEND on a bench. Behind them, a GARDENER (we don't see his face) shuffles in. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Better yet, you'll go undercover. She leaves. Her friend pulls off a RUBBER MASK: It's YOU! The gardener, now clearly NOT YOU, gives you a weird look. Later, in a BASEMENT, you review a JOHN NASH-STYLE WHITE BOARD labeled with her LIKES, DISLIKES, TOP TEN FAVORITE ANIMALS, etc. Her REAL FRIEND is tied up in your room. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Now you'll be able to like all the things she likes. Say all the things she wants to hear. Later, in her house, you give her all the things we saw under her "LIKES": A stuffed PENGUIN, a copy of GROUNDHOG DAY, CATCHER IN THE RYE, a PINEAPPLE, etc. You're smiling at her creepily the entire time. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Bring her the right gifts, suggest the right movies- FLASH BACK TO REALITY: You're sitting on your couch, looking at her Facebook page. You shiver and close the laptop. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Yeah, you're creeping yourself out. You close the laptop. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Also, those Mission Impossible masks? Not actually a real thing. Believe me, I've looked. (beat) So hard. TITLE CARD: THE OTHER WOMAN She's on a date with the NICE GUY. You slide into a table across the room from them with a NICE, NORMAL GIRL. NARRATOR (CONT'D) She doesn't like you? FINE. You'll find a different girlfriend. A hot one. No, a FAMOUS one. No, a REALLY FAMOUS one. Someone to make her realize what's she's missing. FANTASY FLASH: On "really hot," the NICE GIRL is replaced by a HOT GIRL. On "FAMOUS," she becomes a MOVIE STAR giving out her AUTOGRAPH. On "REALLY FAMOUS," she's suddenly holding awards and surrounded by PAPARAZZI. Meanwhile, though, you're still trying to get the attention of your crush. NARRATOR (CONT'D) You know what girls really love? Being part of your plan to get make somebody else jealous. FLASH BACK TO REALITY. Your NICE GIRL date rolls her eyes and leaves mid-sentence. TITLE CARD: THE REAL CHANGE INT. BASEMENT OVERHEAD SHOT: In workout clothes, you lay on a weight bench. NARRATOR Enough of this fantasy crap. The only way to win her is to improve yourself. To be a better person. You grab the bar and start aggressively bench-pressing in time to an INSPIRING TECHNO BEAT. NARRATOR (CONT'D) You'll work out. Read books. Read better books. Buy new clothes. Learn cooking and fancy words to describe wine. In quick cuts, we see you 1.) Read Harry Potter. 2.) Read something by Faulker. 3.) Admire your new, nicer wardrobe in a mirror. 3.) Cook a meal, pour a glass of wine, and bring dinner to her, now your girlfriend. NARRATOR (CONT'D) After all this time, all it took to break out of the friend zone was hard work, dedication, and... The music cuts out. FLASH TO: This was just another FANTASY. You, still struggling to lift the bar, give up and exit. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Yeah, that's not gonna happen. TITLE CARD: THE END. Instead of FLASH, a SLOW FADE FROM WHITE back to the OPENING SHOT. She smiles hesitantly. HER We can... We can still be friends right? YOU Of course. Always. We track with you as you walk away. NARRATOR Finally, you decide there's only one way out of the friend zone. Walking away from it. Later, she lays on her bed, bored. She sees a picture of you on Facebook and TEXTS YOU. You, in your house, get it. NARRATOR (CONT'D) Still, you like each other. So you hang out occasionally. As friends. You grab an ice cream together. She pays. NARRATOR (CONT'D) And, because you're not trying so damn hard, it's good. Better than it was before. More comfortable. You both collapse on a bench, a little apart from each other, and watch the sun set. You take a deep breath and relax. NARRATOR (CONT'D) After all your plans, after all your agendas, after all your effort, the one thing that works... Her hand finds its way to yours. NARRATOR (CONT'D) ...is doing nothing at all. You're surprised for a moment, but then relax and smile. And so does she. END.