The Six Ways You'll Try to Get Out of the Friend Zone

By

Ben Joseph

          NOTE: This should narrated and edited at about twice the
          pace as a normal "The Six."

          YOU face camera, hopeful and nervous. L/3rd: YOU.

                              NARRATOR
                    This is you.

          REVERSE ANGLE: HER, beautiful. L/3rd: HER

                              HER
                         (this is hard for her)
                    Look... I... Really value our
                    friendship, OK?

                              NARRATOR
                    And this is the friend zone.

          Back on YOU, utterly destroyed.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Don't panic. You're smart, you can
                    beat this. All you need is a plan.

          TITLE: THE SIX WAYS YOU'LL TRY TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE

          TITLE CARD: THE FRESH START

          You help walk her dog. She runs into a NICE GUY, hands the
          dog off to you, and starts flirting. Your face falls.

          Later, you collapse on your couch at home and think.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    You need a second chance at a first
                    impression. So, naturally, you'll
                    fake your own death.

          SMASH CUT TO: Your funeral. She there's, mourning, and she
          notices... YOU, in AVIATORS and a LEATHER JACKET. Confused,
          she approaches you. You pretend not to recognize her.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    You had a long lost twin? She had
                    no idea. You'll want to call
                    yourself Ace, but you won't,
                    because that's awful.

          You stop introducing yourself. Start again.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    So is Logan.

          You stop again. Fine.

          Later that night, you two walk in the PARK.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    This time, you'll be cool,
                    confident, and express no strong
                    opinions about Dr. Who. This time,
                    she'll "like like" you. Also,
                    shared grief? Totally hot.

          She, overcome by your charm, leans in for a kiss, but stops.

                              HER
                    But... Your brother.

                              YOU
                    He would have wanted it this way.
                    Trust me.

                              NARRATOR
                    It's the perfect plan.

          Right before you kiss, we FLASH BACK TO you on the couch.
          (This FLASH will separate fantasy and reality for us.) You
          call out to your Mom.

                              YOU
                    Mom! Can I borrow five thousand
                    dollars for a fake funeral?

                              MOM
                    No, Honey.

                              NARRATOR
                    Almost.

          TITLE CARD: THE SECRET

          You two drink at a BAR. You're making her laugh, but her
          eyes keep drifting to a TALL DARK STRANGER. You realize:

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Girls like mystery. Girls like
                    secrets. You need a secret.

          QUICK CUTS of your FAMILY:

                              DAD
                    He still kind of needs training
                    wheels.

                              MOM
                    He was Princess Jasmine for
                    Halloween. Four times.

                              FRIEND
                    Once, when he was 14, he came into
                    my bedroom and-

          You TACKLE HIM before he can finish.

          Back at the bar, you write on a NAPKIN while she talks to
          the stranger: GIRLS LIKE: -JAMES BOND -BATMAN -THAT GUY WITH
          THE HAIR (TWILIGHT?)

                              NARRATOR
                    Correction: You need a good secret.
                    Like a superhero, or a vampire, or
                    a spy. Or... All three.

          You circle ALL THE NAMES. FLASH TO YOUR FANTASY. We see:

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    You'll slip a cape and spandex into
                    your laundry. You'll hire a Russian
                    in a suit to ask questions about
                    you. You'll act moody and stay out
                    of the sunlight for a week.

          One night, she walks in a DARK, FOGGY ALLEY:

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    She'll be won over by your aura of
                    mystery.

          You lurch out of the shadows, wearing a TUXEDO, a WOLVERINE
          MASK and CAPE and VAMPIRE FANGS. She looks at you and RUNS.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Or not.

          As you watch her go, two THUGS run out of the darkness and
          start beating the crap out of you. FLASH BACK to the bar.
          You crumble up the napkin and throw it away.

          TITLE CARD: THE RESEARCHER

          You, on your couch, look at her FACEBOOK PAGE, specifically
          her Favorite Movies, Books, etc.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    What does she want in a guy? You
                    realize you don't know. So you'll
                    do some research.

          FLASH TO: A PARK. She talks with her FRIEND on a bench.
          Behind them, a GARDENER (we don't see his face) shuffles in.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Better yet, you'll go undercover.

          She leaves. Her friend pulls off a RUBBER MASK: It's YOU!
          The gardener, now clearly NOT YOU, gives you a weird look.

          Later, in a BASEMENT, you review a JOHN NASH-STYLE WHITE
          BOARD labeled with her LIKES, DISLIKES, TOP TEN FAVORITE
          ANIMALS, etc. Her REAL FRIEND is tied up in your room.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Now you'll be able to like all the
                    things she likes. Say all the
                    things she wants to hear.

          Later, in her house, you give her all the things we saw
          under her "LIKES": A stuffed PENGUIN, a copy of GROUNDHOG
          DAY, CATCHER IN THE RYE, a PINEAPPLE, etc. You're smiling at
          her creepily the entire time.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Bring her the right gifts, suggest
                    the right movies-

          FLASH BACK TO REALITY: You're sitting on your couch, looking
          at her Facebook page. You shiver and close the laptop.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Yeah, you're creeping yourself out.

          You close the laptop.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Also, those Mission Impossible
                    masks? Not actually a real thing.
                    Believe me, I've looked.
                         (beat)
                    So hard.

          TITLE CARD: THE OTHER WOMAN

          She's on a date with the NICE GUY. You slide into a table
          across the room from them with a NICE, NORMAL GIRL.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    She doesn't like you? FINE. You'll
                    find a different girlfriend. A hot
                    one. No, a FAMOUS one. No, a REALLY
                    FAMOUS one. Someone to make her
                    realize what's she's missing.

          FANTASY FLASH: On "really hot," the NICE GIRL is replaced by
          a HOT GIRL.

          On "FAMOUS," she becomes a MOVIE STAR giving out her
          AUTOGRAPH. On "REALLY FAMOUS," she's suddenly holding awards
          and surrounded by PAPARAZZI. Meanwhile, though, you're still
          trying to get the attention of your crush.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    You know what girls really love?
                    Being part of your plan to get make
                    somebody else jealous.

          FLASH BACK TO REALITY. Your NICE GIRL date rolls her eyes
          and leaves mid-sentence.

          TITLE CARD: THE REAL CHANGE

          INT. BASEMENT

          OVERHEAD SHOT: In workout clothes, you lay on a weight
          bench.

                              NARRATOR
                    Enough of this fantasy crap. The
                    only way to win her is to improve
                    yourself. To be a better person.

          You grab the bar and start aggressively bench-pressing in
          time to an INSPIRING TECHNO BEAT.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    You'll work out. Read books. Read
                    better books. Buy new clothes.
                    Learn cooking and fancy words to
                    describe wine.

          In quick cuts, we see you 1.) Read Harry Potter. 2.) Read
          something by Faulker. 3.) Admire your new, nicer wardrobe in
          a mirror. 3.) Cook a meal, pour a glass of wine, and bring
          dinner to her, now your girlfriend.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    After all this time, all it took to
                    break out of the friend zone was
                    hard work, dedication, and...

          The music cuts out. FLASH TO: This was just another FANTASY.
          You, still struggling to lift the bar, give up and exit.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

          TITLE CARD: THE END.

          Instead of FLASH, a SLOW FADE FROM WHITE back to the OPENING
          SHOT. She smiles hesitantly.

                              HER
                    We can... We can still be friends
                    right?

                              YOU
                    Of course. Always.

          We track with you as you walk away.

                              NARRATOR
                    Finally, you decide there's only
                    one way out of the friend zone.
                    Walking away from it.

          Later, she lays on her bed, bored. She sees a picture of you
          on Facebook and TEXTS YOU. You, in your house, get it.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    Still, you like each other. So you
                    hang out occasionally. As friends.

          You grab an ice cream together. She pays.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    And, because you're not trying so
                    damn hard, it's good. Better than
                    it was before. More comfortable.

          You both collapse on a bench, a little apart from each
          other, and watch the sun set. You take a deep breath and
          relax.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    After all your plans, after all
                    your agendas, after all your
                    effort, the one thing that works...

          Her hand finds its way to yours.

                              NARRATOR (CONT'D)
                    ...is doing nothing at all.

          You're surprised for a moment, but then relax and smile.

          And so does she.

          END.