By Patrick Cassels, Kevin Corrigan & Brian Murphy
The elegant Lost logo glides toward the screen. The elegance is undercut when "THE GAME" pops in with a chiptune version of Driveshaft's "You All Everybody." LEVEL SELECTION. In the style of a flight manifest. TEXT: CHOOSE YOUR LOCATION! > ON THE ISLAND/OFF THE ISLAND > ON THE ISLAND TEXT: CHOOSE YOUR TIME! > FLASH-FORWARD/FLASH-BACK/UH, PRESENT I GUESS? > UH, PRESENT I GUESS? TEXT: CHOOSE YOUR REALITY > ALTERNATE REALITY/REALITY REALITY/WHATEVER!!! > WHATEVER!!! TEXT: LEVEL 1 EXT. BEACH - REGULAR GAMEPLAY The beach is covered in flaming plane debris and dying passengers. Jack enters. JACK: Quick! Who needs spinal surgery?! (BEAT) Anyone? HURLEY: Help! BOONE: Help! CLAIRE: Australian help! Jack runs to each survivor and does the following: TEXT: MENU > SKILLS > BRAVERY/PERFECT 5 O'CLOCK SHADOW/ALCOHOLISM/DOCTOR STUFF! > DOCTOR STUFF! TEXT: PASSENGERS SAVED! LEADER MODE UNLOCKED! ACCEPT? > YES/NO Cursor selects NO. NEGATIVE BUZZ. TEXT: SORRY. IT'S YOU'RE DESTINY? ACCEPT? > YES/NO > YES EXT. WOODS - BATTLE MODE! Jack, Boone, SAWYER, CHARLIE, SAYID, KATE and SHANNON face off against a POLAR BEAR. The cursor chooses Sayid. TEXT: POLAR BEAR USED "CONFUSION." A magical, sparkly WHOOSH circles the good guys. CHARLIE: What the shit is a polar bear doing in the jungle? TEXT: SAWYER > ATTACK > BLOODLUST/SNARKY NICKNAME/GUN > SNARKY NICKNAME SAWYER: Back of, uh, Frozen Bear Man- screw this? TEXT: ATTACK > GUN Sawyer shoots the bear. Everyone does a triumphant dance. Suddenly, the screen rumbles along with the MONSTER SFX. TEXT: YOUR PARTY HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY "?????" TEXT: ACTION > FIGHT/AT LEAST STICK AROUND LONG ENOUGH SO WE CAN SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE/RUN > RUN Jack's party runs away. EXT. OCEAN MICHAEL, WALT, JIN and Sawyer cruise on the raft. Sunny beach music plays. Suddenly, there's a BEEPING SFX. MICHAEL: A boat's coming! We're saved! WALT: Hooray! JIN: [Something in Korean]. The OTHERS' boat arrives. MR. FRIENDLY throws a Mario-like BOMB onto the good guys' boat. It explodes. MR. FRIENDLY: We're taking the boy! The boat scoops up Walt. TEXT: MICHAEL > ITEM > USE > WALT WHISTLE MICHAEL: WAAAAAAAAAAAALT! TEXT: IT'S NOT VERY EFFECTIVE. (BEAT) JUST ANNOYING. TEXT: LEVEL 2 INT. DHARMA SWAN STATION - MINI GAME A "pushing the button" mini-game. TEXT: ENTER THE NUMBERS OR SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN! The counter ticks down. An alarm beeps. TEXT: I'D LOVE TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TOO, BUT YOU REALLY GOTTA ENTER THOSE NUMBERS. IT COULD BE SOMETHING BAD. The alarm gets louder and the screen shakes. TEXT: OR COOL. I'M SO NERVOUS, BUT ALSO EXCITED. Louder alarm. Screen shakes more violently. TEXT: OH NO. THIS SEEMS BAD. THIS WAS A BAD IDEA. The buttons turn to hieroglyphics as the screen shakes and blinks red. TEXT: OH SHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIII- FADE TO WHITE. EXT. DOCK - BATTLE MODE! KATE, SAWYER and JACK face off against HENRY. TEXT: JACK > ATTACK > BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM. Jack beats the crap out of Henry Gale. TEXT: SAWYER > ATTACK > KEEP BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF HIM. TEXT: SERIOUSLY? HE'S PRETTY MESSED UP ALREADY. Sawyer beats the crap out of Henry Gale. TEXT: HENRY GALE > COMBINE > MICHAEL HIS SON'S LIFE Michael enters with a gun and unties Henry. Kate, Sawyer and Jack put their hands up. TEXT: MICHAEL HAS SOLD YOU OUT. A picture of Henry Gale pops up and morphs. TEXT: HENRY GALE IS EVOLVING INTO... BEN LINUS! TEXT (OVER LINUS): -100 HONESTY, 100 BADASS-ERY TEXT: LEVEL 3 EXT. HYDRA STATION/JUNGLE - RUNNING MINI-GAME Jack stands in the Jungle. We are behind his back, Crash Bandicoot-style. (Yup, Crash Bandicoot.) TEXT: SURVIVE SEASON 3! DODGE BAD PLOTS AND MAKE IT TO THE SEASON FINALE! GO! Jack runs, dodging and jumping over the following characters who pop out, representing early S3 episodes. Each bad plot "hurts" Jack, with a painful BREATHING SFX. SAWYER: WANT A FISH BISCUIT, DOC? NIKKI & PAULO: WHERE'S THE DIAMOND WE STOLE?! BAI LING: YOUR TATTOOS ARE TOTALLY WORTH 60 MINUTES! Jack starts collecting good plots ponits, with an accompanying "healing" effect. BEN: I SHOT LOCKE! MIKHAIL: SEIZURE-INDUCING SONAR FENCES! CHARLIE: NOT PENNY'S BOAT! Jack arrives at the finish line. CUT TO a cool, anime-style graphic of Jack giving a thumbs up to camera. A BEARD is slaped on his chin, like armor. TEXT: FINALE REACHED! FLASH FORWARDS UNLOCKED! JACK (WORD BUBBLE; WITH A SMILE): I'M DEPRESSED! TEXT: LEVEL 4 INT. FREIGHTER - REGULAR GAMEPLAY TEXT: "CONSTANT" CHALLENGE: BALANCE ROMANCE AND INFORMATION! DESMOND makes his way through the Freighter. A horizontal ROMANCE/INFORMATION bar is at the bottom, shifting appropriately as desmond talks to several characters. KEAMY: We work for Charles Widmore. FARRADAY: The Island is jumping through time. That's why stuff's been so weird. PENNY: I love, you desmond! TEXT: PERFECT BALANCE! BEST EPISODE BONUS! SPIN THE FROZEN DONKEY WHEEL! TEXT: PRESS "A" TO SPIN A graphic of the frozen donkey wheel. It's surrounded by prizes, wheel of fortune style: MORE DESMOND SCENES/SMOKE MONSTER ATTACK/SPIN AGAIN/NEW DRIVESHAFT SONG/JUMP TO SEASON. It lands on "Jump to Season 5." TEXT: LEVEL 5 INT. HOTEL - NIGHT BEN enters and approaches LOCKE. LOCKE: Ben, we need to convince the Oceanic 6 to return to the Island. BEN: Don't worry I know how to get their attention. TEXT: BEN > USE ITEM > REASON/HONESTY/NOOSE > NOOSE The cursor moves over Locke. LOCKE: Ah, crap-ola. Ben strangles Locke. EXT. SWAN STATION CONSTRUCTION SITE - 1970s JACK, KATE, SAWYER and JULIET run to the well. JACK: If we blow up the Island. We can save everyone. SAWYER: Right! I- I think. TEXT: JACK > USE ITEM > NUCLEAR BOMB The cursor highlights the well. Jack throws the bomb down. JULIET: Nothing happened! TEXT: JACK > USE ITEM > JULIET JULIET: Ah, crap-ola! Juliet is sucked down the well. FLASH! TEXT (BLACK ON WHITE THIS TIME): SEASON 4 (WHITE BACKGROUND. PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?) EXT. STORMY CLIFF - BATTLE MODE! JACK and JACOB faces off against THE MAN IN BLACK. TEXT: THE MAN IN BLACK > ARMOR > LOCK'S BODY! The Smoke Monster transforms to Locke. Over Locke: 10 Keep Terry Quinn On Show TEXT: JACK > ATTACK > AWESOME JUMP PUNCH! TEXT: LOCK BLOCKED WITH: COMMERCIAL BREAK CUT TO 5 SECONDS OF AN ACTUAL COMMERCIAL FOR DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES (OR SOMETHING). CUT BACK. TEXT: JACK > USE ITEM > AMBIGUOUS SPIRITUAL CONCLUSION FLASH TO: INT. CHURCH The entire cast dances. There is an open door flooded with white light in the background. A banner reads: ALTERNATE DIMENSION FRIEND REUNION. TEXT: CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WIN! I... I THINK? END.