Very Mary-Kate is back with an idea worth spreading.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. TED TALK STAGE The Ted Talks intro. Lights up on MARY-KATE. Applause. MARY-KATE Hello. My name is Mary-Kate Olsen and this is my TED Talk. I'm here to talk about something very serious you guys: homelessishness. We see the word "Homelessishness" on a slide behind her, and other slides throughout her speech. She strolls stage left. MARY-KATE (CONT.) What is homelessishness? Well, according to the dictionary, it's not a word. But I kept digging. And I found that homeless people are, like, everywhere you guys. I ran into a whole one homeless person on my way from the limo outside to the door outside. It seems that everywhere you look - everywhere you look - there are homeless people, bumming you out, no pun intended, with their bad clothes, okay pun intended, stupid pants, I'm actually really proud of that pun, shitty shoes, so proud I'm going to say it again, and bumming you out. She takes a beat and strolls stage right. MARY-KATE (CONT.) But what can I do? What can one young, attractive, famous, powerful billionaire do, to never see another homeless person ever again for as long as I live? I could not go outside, but I already not go outside a lot as it is. I could wear a blindfold, but I did that once at a birthday party and pinned a tail on a Gyllenhaal. Off of a stool, she grabs a SMILEY FACE PAPER BAG and leaps exitedly into stage center. MARY-KATE (CONT.) So I got this idea when I put this paper bag over a homeless person's head. What if I could put a big paper bag over the whole homeless everybody? Without fatter Adele, I'd like to introduce my new fashion line: SOHOBO. SOHOBO isn't a store. There's no SOHOBO DUMBO or SOHOBO SOHO. SOHOBO is a fashion line that's made out of ideas. And homeless people trash. Any homeless person that wants can fish around in the garbage and make a fashion statement with these fresh - and sometimes spoiled - clothes and stuff. Let's see some examples! Techno music plays. The stage transforms into a fashion show. Models enter and exit wearing the outfits described below. First up is ANGRY KEVIN. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Angry Kevin is wearing a trash bag. If you want to show off your curves, the bag cinches in at the waist. His long hair is pinned back with chopsticks, and in his hand is a knife. Thank you, Kevin! Angry Kevin exits. CORNER GUY enters. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Corner Guy is wearing a sandwich board that he stole from a Brooklyn restaurant. On the front are the words DIE COPS, and on the back is today's brunch special. Oooh, mimosas! Corner Guy exits. DUMPY enters. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Dumpy is wearing a gorgeous fleece blanket. We found this on the street with a cardboard sign that said bed bugs, and used the sign to clasp it up in the back! Work it, girl! Or boy. I can't tell. Dumpy exits. SCHITZO enters. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Schitzo has covered himself in toilet paper that he found in this theater's bathroom. So, if you want to go #2, just find Schitzo. Or, as he likes to say- SCHITZO I'll find you. MARY-KATE Terrifying! Schitzo exits. FAKE LEG LARRY enters. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Fake Leg Larry is wearing an itsy bitsy teeny weeny week-old raisin bagel bikini. Careful there, Lar bear! You're going to eat yourself naked! Fake Leg Larry exits. Bodyguard storms the stage. BODYGUARD Mary-Kate! MARY-KATE Hey, Bodyguard. BODYGUARD What you're doing is terrible! MARY-KATE It is? BODYGUARD Yes! Homelessness is a really serious problem, and you're not solving it this way. MARY-KATE But... I don't have to look at it this way. BODYGUARD Well, just because you don't see something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. MARY-KATE OMG. I feel terrible. BODYGUARD Well, you should. MARY-KATE I have to do something about this. BODYGUARD Yes, you do. She puts the smiley face paper bag over his head. END. MARY-KATE See? You can't stay mad at me. END.