Very Mary-Kate is back with an idea worth spreading.
By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. TED TALK STAGE
The Ted Talks intro. Lights up on MARY-KATE. Applause.
Hello. My name is Mary-Kate Olsen
and this is my TED Talk.
I'm here to talk about something
very serious you guys:
We see the word "Homelessishness" on a slide behind her, and
other slides throughout her speech. She strolls stage left.
What is homelessishness? Well,
according to the dictionary, it's
not a word.
But I kept digging. And I found
that homeless people are, like,
everywhere you guys. I ran into a
whole one homeless person on my way
from the limo outside to the door
outside. It seems that everywhere
you look - everywhere you look -
there are homeless people, bumming
you out, no pun intended, with
their bad clothes, okay pun
intended, stupid pants, I'm
actually really proud of that pun,
shitty shoes, so proud I'm going to
say it again, and bumming you out.
She takes a beat and strolls stage right.
But what can I do? What can one
young, attractive, famous, powerful
billionaire do, to never see
another homeless person ever again
for as long as I live? I could not
go outside, but I already not go
outside a lot as it is. I could
wear a blindfold, but I did that
once at a birthday party and pinned
a tail on a Gyllenhaal.
Off of a stool, she grabs a SMILEY FACE PAPER BAG and leaps
exitedly into stage center.
So I got this idea when I put this
paper bag over a homeless person's
head. What if I could put a big
paper bag over the whole homeless
Without fatter Adele, I'd like to
introduce my new fashion line:
SOHOBO isn't a store. There's no
SOHOBO DUMBO or SOHOBO SOHO. SOHOBO
is a fashion line that's made out
of ideas. And homeless people
Any homeless person that wants can
fish around in the garbage and make
a fashion statement with these
fresh - and sometimes spoiled -
clothes and stuff.
Let's see some examples!
Techno music plays. The stage transforms into a fashion
show. Models enter and exit wearing the outfits described
below. First up is ANGRY KEVIN.
Angry Kevin is wearing a trash bag.
If you want to show off your
curves, the bag cinches in at the
waist. His long hair is pinned back
with chopsticks, and in his hand is
a knife. Thank you, Kevin!
Angry Kevin exits. CORNER GUY enters.
Corner Guy is wearing a sandwich
board that he stole from a Brooklyn
restaurant. On the front are the
words DIE COPS, and on the back is
today's brunch special. Oooh,
Corner Guy exits. DUMPY enters.
Dumpy is wearing a gorgeous fleece
blanket. We found this on the
street with a cardboard sign that
said bed bugs, and used the sign to
clasp it up in the back! Work it,
girl! Or boy. I can't tell.
Dumpy exits. SCHITZO enters.
Schitzo has covered himself in
toilet paper that he found in this
theater's bathroom. So, if you want
to go #2, just find Schitzo. Or, as
he likes to say-
I'll find you.
Schitzo exits. FAKE LEG LARRY enters.
Fake Leg Larry is wearing an itsy
bitsy teeny weeny week-old raisin
bagel bikini. Careful there, Lar
bear! You're going to eat yourself
Fake Leg Larry exits. Bodyguard storms the stage.
What you're doing is terrible!
Yes! Homelessness is a really
serious problem, and you're not
solving it this way.
But... I don't have to look at it
Well, just because you don't see
something doesn't mean it doesn't
OMG. I feel terrible.
Well, you should.
I have to do something about this.
Yes, you do.
She puts the smiley face paper bag over his head. END.
See? You can't stay mad at me.