Very Mary-Kate: SoHobo

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. TED TALK STAGE

          The Ted Talks intro. Lights up on MARY-KATE. Applause.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hello. My name is Mary-Kate Olsen
                    and this is my TED Talk.
                    I'm here to talk about something
                    very serious you guys:
                    homelessishness.

          We see the word "Homelessishness" on a slide behind her, and
          other slides throughout her speech. She strolls stage left.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    What is homelessishness? Well,
                    according to the dictionary, it's
                    not a word.
                    But I kept digging. And I found
                    that homeless people are, like,
                    everywhere you guys. I ran into a
                    whole one homeless person on my way
                    from the limo outside to the door
                    outside. It seems that everywhere
                    you look - everywhere you look -
                    there are homeless people, bumming
                    you out, no pun intended, with
                    their bad clothes, okay pun
                    intended, stupid pants, I'm
                    actually really proud of that pun,
                    shitty shoes, so proud I'm going to
                    say it again, and bumming you out.

          She takes a beat and strolls stage right.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    But what can I do? What can one
                    young, attractive, famous, powerful
                    billionaire do, to never see
                    another homeless person ever again
                    for as long as I live? I could not
                    go outside, but I already not go
                    outside a lot as it is. I could
                    wear a blindfold, but I did that
                    once at a birthday party and pinned
                    a tail on a Gyllenhaal.

          Off of a stool, she grabs a SMILEY FACE PAPER BAG and leaps
          exitedly into stage center.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    So I got this idea when I put this
                    paper bag over a homeless person's
                    head. What if I could put a big
                    paper bag over the whole homeless
                    everybody?
                    Without fatter Adele, I'd like to
                    introduce my new fashion line:
                    SOHOBO.
                    SOHOBO isn't a store. There's no
                    SOHOBO DUMBO or SOHOBO SOHO. SOHOBO
                    is a fashion line that's made out
                    of ideas. And homeless people
                    trash.
                    Any homeless person that wants can
                    fish around in the garbage and make
                    a fashion statement with these
                    fresh - and sometimes spoiled -
                    clothes and stuff.
                    Let's see some examples!

          Techno music plays. The stage transforms into a fashion
          show. Models enter and exit wearing the outfits described
          below. First up is ANGRY KEVIN.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Angry Kevin is wearing a trash bag.
                    If you want to show off your
                    curves, the bag cinches in at the
                    waist. His long hair is pinned back
                    with chopsticks, and in his hand is
                    a knife. Thank you, Kevin!

          Angry Kevin exits. CORNER GUY enters.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Corner Guy is wearing a sandwich
                    board that he stole from a Brooklyn
                    restaurant. On the front are the
                    words DIE COPS, and on the back is
                    today's brunch special. Oooh,
                    mimosas!

          Corner Guy exits. DUMPY enters.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Dumpy is wearing a gorgeous fleece
                    blanket. We found this on the
                    street with a cardboard sign that
                    said bed bugs, and used the sign to
                    clasp it up in the back! Work it,
                    girl! Or boy. I can't tell.

          Dumpy exits. SCHITZO enters.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Schitzo has covered himself in
                    toilet paper that he found in this
                    theater's bathroom. So, if you want
                    to go #2, just find Schitzo. Or, as
                    he likes to say-

                              SCHITZO
                    I'll find you.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Terrifying!

          Schitzo exits. FAKE LEG LARRY enters.

                              MARY-KATE (CONT.)
                    Fake Leg Larry is wearing an itsy
                    bitsy teeny weeny week-old raisin
                    bagel bikini. Careful there, Lar
                    bear! You're going to eat yourself
                    naked!

          Fake Leg Larry exits. Bodyguard storms the stage.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate!

                              MARY-KATE
                    Hey, Bodyguard.

                              BODYGUARD
                    What you're doing is terrible!

                              MARY-KATE
                    It is?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Yes! Homelessness is a really
                    serious problem, and you're not
                    solving it this way.

                              MARY-KATE
                    But... I don't have to look at it
                    this way.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Well, just because you don't see
                    something doesn't mean it doesn't
                    exist.

                              MARY-KATE
                    OMG. I feel terrible.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Well, you should.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I have to do something about this.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Yes, you do.

          She puts the smiley face paper bag over his head. END.

                              MARY-KATE
                    See? You can't stay mad at me.

          END.