My Elf Girlfriend: Fast & Furious

By

Emily Axford & Brian Murphy

          INT. ELVEN TREE APARTMENT

          ELOWYN, surrounded by an aura of white, finishes an
          enchanting song.

                              ELOWYN
                         (singing)
                    And so he climbed the mountain bare
                    / and snatched the crown from the
                    dragon's lair.

          The song ends. Her two elf friends, ACHEWON and LEKE, clap
          enthusiastically. Pan over to BRIAN.

                              BRIAN
                    Babe. That. Was. Awesome. You could
                    be on The Voice. Levine's team.

                                                CUT TO: TITLECARD

                              ELOWYN
                    'Twas the tale of Lasuen, a warrior
                    most brave.

                              ACHEWON
                    He is one of our greatest heros!

                              LEKE
                    Tell us, Brian, who are the legends
                    of your people?

          Brian is put on the spot.

                              BRIAN
                    Okay, wow, so many to choose from,
                    hmm, well, I guess the bravest
                    warrior I can think of, top of the
                    dome, is- Vin...Diesel.

                              ACHEWON
                    Vin Diesel. He sounds most
                    fearsome.

                              BRIAN
                         (getting into it)
                    Oh my God. So fearsome. He probably
                    benches like 375, he only wears
                    wife beaters, and he's completely
                    hairless.

          Everyone "ooo's".

                              LEKE
                    Sing us a song of his journeys!

          Everyone is super into this idea. Brian looks so scared.

                              ELOWYN
                    Yes! Yes! A song.
                         (leans into him)
                    I'd love to hear a song of your
                    people.

                              BRIAN
                    OK.

          Brian does some pathetic vocal warm-ups.

                              BRIAN
                         (hesitantly)
                    There once was a man stronger than
                    all of us / he drove cars so fast
                    and so furious

          Everyone looks enthralled.

                              BRIAN (CONT'D)
                    he was being chased by The Rock /
                    the nation's toughest cop / cause
                    he was wanted...
                         (going into Bon Jovi)
                    ...dead or alive.

                              ACHEWON
                    Who is this "The Rock?"

                              BRIAN
                         (totally into it now)
                    Uh, he's like 6'5", tribal tats,
                    totally yolked, survived the Stone
                    Cold Stunner. You guys don't know
                    what that is, but it's worse than
                    dragons.

          They gasp in awe.

                              ELOWYN
                    He sounds like a worthy companion
                    for the Diesel.

                              BRIAN
                    Yes, but, well, at first they're
                    like against each other, but
                    then... y'know what, I'll just keep
                    going with it-

          Brian starts to sing again, just as badly as before, but
          this time with more confidence. This time, music accompanies
          him and he glows with a white aura.

                              BRIAN
                         (singing)
                    The Rock and Vin Diesel did battle
                    / Through walls and windows they
                    tackled / but after a series of
                    events / they would become friends
                    / and take down Rio's biggest drug
                    lord.

          Music cuts out. Brian wipes away a tear, proud.

                              LEKE (O.S.)
                    Wait-

          Leke holds up a Blu Ray case of Fast Five.

                              LEKE
                         (looking at the back)
                    Is this the Vin Diesel you were
                    singing about?

                              BRIAN
                    What? No, that's a- yes.

          Silence. Brian is ashamed. Everyone is embarrassed for him.

                              ACHEWON
                    You sang the plot of a movie to us.

                              BRIAN
                    Yes.

          There is a beat of weird silence.

                              BRIAN
                    Do you guys wanna watch it?

          A beat.

                              ACHEWON
                    No.

                              ELOWYN
                         (whispered just to Brian)
                    I don't think they like you.

          Brian nods.

          END.