From CH Staff on
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the episode where Walter White strangles a guy.
By Patrick Cassels & Susanna Wolff
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT A young, married HUSBAND and WIFE sit in bed, reading. WIFE is visibly anxious, fidgety. Something's on her mind. WIFE Oh, don't forget you need to call the guy about the thing in the bathroom. HUSBAND (still reading) Right, right. Wife takes a deep breath. WIFE Okay, look: I've been thinking. And... I think it's time we... start Breaking Bad. Husband takes his own breath and puts his Kindle down. HUSBAND You know, I just don't know if the timing's right. It's a really big commitment. WIFE The timing's never going to be right. When we met, you said you wanted to watch a show together. HUSBAND Watching a show together is one thing. Diving into a captivating 5-season drama? I don't know if we're ready for that yet. WIFE (defiant) When will we be ready? The clock is ticking: it won't be on Netflix forever. HUSBAND Okay! Let's just rush into it, then. Like Chris and Marie did with Dexter. Remember? They're miserable now! WIFE That's different. They got drunk and watched the pilot together. Deborah just started season 2 of Breaking Bad, and you should see her face when she talks about this scene where someone gets dissolved in acid. (sighs) I want that. HUSBAND (rolls his eyes) Honey, Deborah won't be happy until everyone at your office is watching Breaking Bad. WIFE Is that so terrible? There's a lot of good TV out there. Deborah also said we should get into The Wire and Friday Night Lights. HUSBAND (flustered) Wait, how many shows do you want to watch together? WIFE Three. Look, I grew up in a house with a lot of great TV. Also- (takes a breath) I went online today just to be sure, and all the seasons are on Instant. HUSBAND You checked Instant without me? I thought this was OUR decision? WIFE It is, but it's MY account. I'M the one at risk. There's no guarantee it won't screw with my Recommendations. Husband just shakes his head and returns to his Kindle. Beat. Wife, now a little concerned, lowers his Kindle. WIFE Are you worried you don't have the... (subtly evaluates his body) ...attention span to watch it?" HUSBAND (defensive) What?! No, I can pay attention! Don't worry about that! WIFE Then what? HUSBAND You haven't thought this through!! There are so many factors you haven't considered: What if I'm stuck at work and you watch it without me? WIFE I would never do that! HUSBAND What if - God forbid - our Internet stops working? WIFE There are other options. We could borrow someone's DVDs. HUSBAND Okay. I didn't want to say this, but what if we split up? Would you let me use your password? She looks away. Husband leans forward, suspicious. HUSBAND No. I want to know. Would you? WIFE I don't know, okay! But we can't think like that! What's REALLY bothering you? Why don't you want to start Breaking Bad. Beat. Husband digs deep, takes a breath, and opens up. HUSBAND I'm worried I won't like it. WIFE What? HUSBAND I never told you this. But when I was growing up, my parents started watching The West Wing, and my dad hated it. He left my mom to watch all all the seasons by herself. WIFE Even the Jimmy Smitts/Alan Alda one? HUSBAND (nods head, then:) I don't want to do that to you. WIFE You won't. You're not your father. You're going to get into Breaking Bad and read the A.V. Club reviews and live-Tweet the finale. (good-natured chuckle) I mean, you haven't even seen an episode yet and you already do an annoying Jesse impression. HUSBAND (reluctantly smiles) I do... "bitch." WIFE Trust me. We're ready. HUSBAND Okay, let's do it! He rolls over on top of Wife, grabs a LAPTOP on the nightstand, and places it between them. As they start to watch, a CHILD enters, half asleep. CHILD 1 Mom? Husband and Wife close the laptop, a little embarrassed. WIFE Go back to bed, sweetie. Mommy and daddy are busy. END.