Original

Shorts / Let's Have a TV Baby

From CH Staff on January 30, 2013

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the episode where Walter White strangles a guy.

Let's Have a TV Baby

By Patrick Cassels & Susanna Wolff

          INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

          A young, married HUSBAND and WIFE sit in bed, reading. WIFE
          is visibly anxious, fidgety. Something's on her mind.

                              WIFE
                    Oh, don't forget you need to call
                    the guy about the thing in the
                    bathroom.

                              HUSBAND
                         (still reading)
                    Right, right.

          Wife takes a deep breath.

                              WIFE
                    Okay, look: I've been thinking.
                    And... I think it's time we...
                    start Breaking Bad.

          Husband takes his own breath and puts his Kindle down.

                              HUSBAND
                    You know, I just don't know if the
                    timing's right. It's a really big
                    commitment.

                              WIFE
                    The timing's never going to be
                    right. When we met, you said you
                    wanted to watch a show together.

                              HUSBAND
                    Watching a show together is one
                    thing. Diving into a captivating
                    5-season drama? I don't know if
                    we're ready for that yet.

                              WIFE
                         (defiant) 
                    When will we be ready? The clock is
                    ticking: it won't be on Netflix
                    forever.

                              HUSBAND
                    Okay! Let's just rush into it,
                    then. Like Chris and Marie did with
                    Dexter. Remember? They're miserable
                    now!

                              WIFE
                    That's different. They got drunk
                    and watched the pilot together.
                    Deborah just started season 2 of
                    Breaking Bad, and you should see
                    her face when she talks about this
                    scene where someone gets dissolved
                    in acid.
                         (sighs)
                    I want that.

                              HUSBAND
                         (rolls his eyes)
                    Honey, Deborah won't be happy until
                    everyone at your office is watching
                    Breaking Bad.

                              WIFE
                    Is that so terrible? There's a lot
                    of good TV out there. Deborah also
                    said we should get into The Wire
                    and Friday Night Lights.

                              HUSBAND
                         (flustered)
                    Wait, how many shows do you want to
                    watch together?

                              WIFE
                    Three. Look, I grew up in a house
                    with a lot of great TV. Also-
                         (takes a breath)
                    I went online today just to be
                    sure, and all the seasons are on
                    Instant.

                              HUSBAND
                    You checked Instant without me? I
                    thought this was OUR decision?

                              WIFE
                    It is, but it's MY account. I'M the
                    one at risk. There's no guarantee
                    it won't screw with my
                    Recommendations.

          Husband just shakes his head and returns to his Kindle.
          Beat. Wife, now a little concerned, lowers his Kindle.

                              WIFE
                    Are you worried you don't have
                    the...
                         (subtly evaluates his body)
                    ...attention span to watch it?"

                              HUSBAND
                         (defensive)
                    What?! No, I can pay attention!
                    Don't worry about that!

                              WIFE
                    Then what?

                              HUSBAND
                    You haven't thought this through!!
                    There are so many factors you
                    haven't considered: What if I'm
                    stuck at work and you watch it
                    without me?

                              WIFE
                    I would never do that!

                              HUSBAND
                    What if - God forbid - our Internet
                    stops working?

                              WIFE
                    There are other options. We could
                    borrow someone's DVDs.

                              HUSBAND
                    Okay. I didn't want to say this,
                    but what if we split up? Would you
                    let me use your password?

          She looks away. Husband leans forward, suspicious.

                              HUSBAND
                    No. I want to know. Would you?

                              WIFE
                    I don't know, okay! But we can't
                    think like that! What's REALLY
                    bothering you? Why don't you want
                    to start Breaking Bad.

          Beat. Husband digs deep, takes a breath, and opens up.

                              HUSBAND
                    I'm worried I won't like it.

                              WIFE
                    What?

                              HUSBAND
                    I never told you this. But when I
                    was growing up, my parents started
                    watching The West Wing, and my dad
                    hated it. He left my mom to watch
                    all all the seasons by herself.

                              WIFE
                    Even the Jimmy Smitts/Alan Alda
                    one?

                              HUSBAND
                         (nods head, then:)
                    I don't want to do that to you.

                              WIFE
                    You won't. You're not your father.
                    You're going to get into Breaking
                    Bad and read the A.V. Club reviews
                    and live-Tweet the finale.
                         (good-natured chuckle)
                    I mean, you haven't even seen an
                    episode yet and you already do an
                    annoying Jesse impression.

                              HUSBAND
                         (reluctantly smiles)
                    I do... "bitch."

                              WIFE
                    Trust me. We're ready.

                              HUSBAND
                    Okay, let's do it!

          He rolls over on top of Wife, grabs a LAPTOP on the
          nightstand, and places it between them. As they start to
          watch, a CHILD enters, half asleep.

                              CHILD 1
                    Mom?

          Husband and Wife close the laptop, a little embarrassed.

                              WIFE
                    Go back to bed, sweetie. Mommy and
                    daddy are busy.

          END.