Hardly Working: Pooping Without Your Phone

By

Adam Conover

          INT. WRITER'S POD

          Adam and Murph sit, writing.

                              ADAM
                         (to Murph)
                    I'm going to go poop.

                              MURPH
                         (not looking up)
                    You don't need to tell me.

                              ADAM
                         (calling back) 
                    Yes I do!

          INT. BATHROOM

          Adam kicks the door open and enters, humming "Walkin' on the
          Sun" by Smash Mouth. He enters a stall, drops his pants, and
          sighs contentedly.

          He checks his pocket. Freezes.

          INT. WRITER'S POD

                              EMILY
                    Hey, where's Adam?

                              MURPH
                    In the bathroom.

                              EMILY
                    Then why is his phone here?

          Close-up of Adam's phone on the table. Emily and Murph's
          eyes widen.

                              EMILY
                         (extremely quiet, terrified
                         whisper)
                    ... he's going to be so bored.

          INT. BATHROOM

          Adam is frantically scrabbling around in his pants pockets.
          Nothing. He looks up, wide-eyed. He swallows, his mouth dry.
          He knows what's about to happen to him.

          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 10% OUT"

          Adam's eyes dart around in panic. His vision tunnels as
          everything goes into slow motion as a booming "TICK. TICK.
          TICK." echoes through the bathroom.

          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 20% OUT"

          Adam frantically roots through his wallet. He pulls out a
          dollar bill.

                              ADAM
                         (reading frantically)
                    This note is legal tender for all
                    debts public and private...
          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 30% OUT"

                              ADAM
                         (reading the tag on his
                         underwear)
                    80% cotton. 20% polyester. Made in
                    Vietnam. Fabrique Au Vietnam. Hecho
                    en Viet --
          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 40% OUT"

          Adam is reading the toilet paper dispenser.

                              ADAM
                    Pull up. Then pull down.
                         (laughing hysterically)
                    Pull up. Then pull down! More!
                    There has to be more!

          He scrabbles, hits, and tears at the dispenser in
          desperation until nothing is left but cardboard and torn up
          toilet seat cover.

                              ADAM
                    NO! 

          He BANGS his head against the dispenser violently, then
          clutches it, sobbing.

                              ADAM
                    There has to be moooooooore ...
          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 50% OUT"

          Adam sees shoes under the stall.

                              ADAM
                    Hey. HEY. Read me something off
                    your phone.

                              GUY IN OTHER STALL
                    ...No.

                              ADAM
                    Come on man I'll suck your dick.

          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 60% OUT"

          A janitor, Josh, enters the bathroom, pushing a garbage can.
          He swings around a big ring of keys and carries himself like
          a southern prison warden.

                              JOSH
                         (thick southern accent)
                    Hey bhoy. I heard you been feelin'
                    mighty bored in there.

                              ADAM
                         (eyes lighting up)
                    Yes! Yes! Help me!

                              JOSH
                    Welllll, now ain't that a pity. I
                    hate for any of the users of my
                    bathroom to be bored! Nah lookee
                    heah, why don't you just take this
                    copy o' Uncle John's Bathroom
                    Reader I brought for yeh.

                              ADAM
                    Y-yes! Thank you!

          He slides the book under the door. Adam picks it up
          joyfully.

          He opens the book and turns the pages. On every page, every
          words has been blacked out with marker.

                              ADAM
                    No! ... NO! It's not fair!

                              JOSH
                         (laughing maniacally as he
                         leaves)
                    Teach you to poop in my bathroom!
                    Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! hack cough

          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 70% OUT"

          A sheet of toilet paper is resting on Adam's knee. In one
          hand, he holds a paperclip, which he dips into a pool of
          blood in his hand. On the toilet paper, he's drawn a crude
          Twitter screen in his own blood.

                              ADAM
                         (laughing to himself)
                    Heh. Heh. Updated just one minute
                    ago. Just one minute ago!
          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 90% OUT."

          Slumped over, Adam sings weakly to himself.

                              ADAM
                    It ain't no joke, I'd like to buy
                    the world a coke ...

          Light shimmers around him and his eyes widen. From his POV,
          we see he's having a vision: A giant hovering Facebook
          notifications icon.

          The red number on it reads "462." He reaches out and
          "clicks" it with his hand. A single tear falls from his eye.

                              ADAM
                    ... it's so beautiful.
          TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 100% OUT."

          Adam lies slumped on the toilet. Murph kicks the door down
          like a fucking street brawler.

                              MURPH
                    My god. Quick, give him your iPad.

                              EMILY
                    No, he's too far gone. Read to him
                    from this old Ikea catalogue.

          Murph holds up Adam's head and slaps his cheek.

                              MURPH
                    Adam? Hey buddy, listen.
                         (reading from the catalogue)
                    The Skewner is a modular storage
                    system designed to adapt to the way
                    YOU live. It's available in white
                    and eggshell, and is compatible
                    with our Cumster, Dumster, and
                    Cumdumster lines of --

          Adam suddenly sits forward and barfs up seawater.

                              MURPH
                    You're okay, buddy. You're okay.

                              EMILY
                         (tearing up)
                    You did it Murph. You did it.

          Murph smiles and gives her a thumbs up. FREEZE FRAME as a
          stirring 90s adventure show theme plays.

          TITLE: "STARRING: BRIAN MURPHY as 'MURPH'"

          Still of Emily.

          TITLE: "EMILY AXFORD as 'EMILY'"

          Still of pantless Adam.

          TITLE: "ADAM CONOVER as 'ALAN CONOVER'"

          Still of Adam sitting on a naked, grinning Dan Gurewitch,
          kneeling all fours where the toilet should be.

          TITLE: "And introducing: DAN GUREWITCH as The Toilet."

                                                             HUH!