From CH Staff on
No email. No Internet. No hope.
By Adam Conover
INT. WRITER'S POD Adam and Murph sit, writing. ADAM (to Murph) I'm going to go poop. MURPH (not looking up) You don't need to tell me. ADAM (calling back) Yes I do! INT. BATHROOM Adam kicks the door open and enters, humming "Walkin' on the Sun" by Smash Mouth. He enters a stall, drops his pants, and sighs contentedly. He checks his pocket. Freezes. INT. WRITER'S POD EMILY Hey, where's Adam? MURPH In the bathroom. EMILY Then why is his phone here? Close-up of Adam's phone on the table. Emily and Murph's eyes widen. EMILY (extremely quiet, terrified whisper) ... he's going to be so bored. INT. BATHROOM Adam is frantically scrabbling around in his pants pockets. Nothing. He looks up, wide-eyed. He swallows, his mouth dry. He knows what's about to happen to him. TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 10% OUT" Adam's eyes dart around in panic. His vision tunnels as everything goes into slow motion as a booming "TICK. TICK. TICK." echoes through the bathroom. TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 20% OUT" Adam frantically roots through his wallet. He pulls out a dollar bill. ADAM (reading frantically) This note is legal tender for all debts public and private... TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 30% OUT" ADAM (reading the tag on his underwear) 80% cotton. 20% polyester. Made in Vietnam. Fabrique Au Vietnam. Hecho en Viet -- TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 40% OUT" Adam is reading the toilet paper dispenser. ADAM Pull up. Then pull down. (laughing hysterically) Pull up. Then pull down! More! There has to be more! He scrabbles, hits, and tears at the dispenser in desperation until nothing is left but cardboard and torn up toilet seat cover. ADAM NO! He BANGS his head against the dispenser violently, then clutches it, sobbing. ADAM There has to be moooooooore ... TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 50% OUT" Adam sees shoes under the stall. ADAM Hey. HEY. Read me something off your phone. GUY IN OTHER STALL ...No. ADAM Come on man I'll suck your dick. TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 60% OUT" A janitor, Josh, enters the bathroom, pushing a garbage can. He swings around a big ring of keys and carries himself like a southern prison warden. JOSH (thick southern accent) Hey bhoy. I heard you been feelin' mighty bored in there. ADAM (eyes lighting up) Yes! Yes! Help me! JOSH Welllll, now ain't that a pity. I hate for any of the users of my bathroom to be bored! Nah lookee heah, why don't you just take this copy o' Uncle John's Bathroom Reader I brought for yeh. ADAM Y-yes! Thank you! He slides the book under the door. Adam picks it up joyfully. He opens the book and turns the pages. On every page, every words has been blacked out with marker. ADAM No! ... NO! It's not fair! JOSH (laughing maniacally as he leaves) Teach you to poop in my bathroom! Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! hack cough TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 70% OUT" A sheet of toilet paper is resting on Adam's knee. In one hand, he holds a paperclip, which he dips into a pool of blood in his hand. On the toilet paper, he's drawn a crude Twitter screen in his own blood. ADAM (laughing to himself) Heh. Heh. Updated just one minute ago. Just one minute ago! TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 90% OUT." Slumped over, Adam sings weakly to himself. ADAM It ain't no joke, I'd like to buy the world a coke ... Light shimmers around him and his eyes widen. From his POV, we see he's having a vision: A giant hovering Facebook notifications icon. The red number on it reads "462." He reaches out and "clicks" it with his hand. A single tear falls from his eye. ADAM ... it's so beautiful. TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 100% OUT." Adam lies slumped on the toilet. Murph kicks the door down like a fucking street brawler. MURPH My god. Quick, give him your iPad. EMILY No, he's too far gone. Read to him from this old Ikea catalogue. Murph holds up Adam's head and slaps his cheek. MURPH Adam? Hey buddy, listen. (reading from the catalogue) The Skewner is a modular storage system designed to adapt to the way YOU live. It's available in white and eggshell, and is compatible with our Cumster, Dumster, and Cumdumster lines of -- Adam suddenly sits forward and barfs up seawater. MURPH You're okay, buddy. You're okay. EMILY (tearing up) You did it Murph. You did it. Murph smiles and gives her a thumbs up. FREEZE FRAME as a stirring 90s adventure show theme plays. TITLE: "STARRING: BRIAN MURPHY as 'MURPH'" Still of Emily. TITLE: "EMILY AXFORD as 'EMILY'" Still of pantless Adam. TITLE: "ADAM CONOVER as 'ALAN CONOVER'" Still of Adam sitting on a naked, grinning Dan Gurewitch, kneeling all fours where the toilet should be. TITLE: "And introducing: DAN GUREWITCH as The Toilet." HUH!