No email. No Internet. No hope.
By Adam Conover
INT. WRITER'S POD
Adam and Murph sit, writing.
I'm going to go poop.
(not looking up)
You don't need to tell me.
Yes I do!
Adam kicks the door open and enters, humming "Walkin' on the
Sun" by Smash Mouth. He enters a stall, drops his pants, and
He checks his pocket. Freezes.
INT. WRITER'S POD
Hey, where's Adam?
In the bathroom.
Then why is his phone here?
Close-up of Adam's phone on the table. Emily and Murph's
(extremely quiet, terrified
... he's going to be so bored.
Adam is frantically scrabbling around in his pants pockets.
Nothing. He looks up, wide-eyed. He swallows, his mouth dry.
He knows what's about to happen to him.
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 10% OUT"
Adam's eyes dart around in panic. His vision tunnels as
everything goes into slow motion as a booming "TICK. TICK.
TICK." echoes through the bathroom.
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 20% OUT"
Adam frantically roots through his wallet. He pulls out a
This note is legal tender for all
debts public and private...
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 30% OUT"
(reading the tag on his
80% cotton. 20% polyester. Made in
Vietnam. Fabrique Au Vietnam. Hecho
en Viet --
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 40% OUT"
Adam is reading the toilet paper dispenser.
Pull up. Then pull down.
Pull up. Then pull down! More!
There has to be more!
He scrabbles, hits, and tears at the dispenser in
desperation until nothing is left but cardboard and torn up
toilet seat cover.
He BANGS his head against the dispenser violently, then
clutches it, sobbing.
There has to be moooooooore ...
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 50% OUT"
Adam sees shoes under the stall.
Hey. HEY. Read me something off
GUY IN OTHER STALL
Come on man I'll suck your dick.
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 60% OUT"
A janitor, Josh, enters the bathroom, pushing a garbage can.
He swings around a big ring of keys and carries himself like
a southern prison warden.
(thick southern accent)
Hey bhoy. I heard you been feelin'
mighty bored in there.
(eyes lighting up)
Yes! Yes! Help me!
Welllll, now ain't that a pity. I
hate for any of the users of my
bathroom to be bored! Nah lookee
heah, why don't you just take this
copy o' Uncle John's Bathroom
Reader I brought for yeh.
Y-yes! Thank you!
He slides the book under the door. Adam picks it up
He opens the book and turns the pages. On every page, every
words has been blacked out with marker.
No! ... NO! It's not fair!
(laughing maniacally as he
Teach you to poop in my bathroom!
Ah ha ha! Ah ha ha! hack cough
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 70% OUT"
A sheet of toilet paper is resting on Adam's knee. In one
hand, he holds a paperclip, which he dips into a pool of
blood in his hand. On the toilet paper, he's drawn a crude
Twitter screen in his own blood.
(laughing to himself)
Heh. Heh. Updated just one minute
ago. Just one minute ago!
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 90% OUT."
Slumped over, Adam sings weakly to himself.
It ain't no joke, I'd like to buy
the world a coke ...
Light shimmers around him and his eyes widen. From his POV,
we see he's having a vision: A giant hovering Facebook
The red number on it reads "462." He reaches out and
"clicks" it with his hand. A single tear falls from his eye.
... it's so beautiful.
TITLE OVER BLACK: "POOP 100% OUT."
Adam lies slumped on the toilet. Murph kicks the door down
like a fucking street brawler.
My god. Quick, give him your iPad.
No, he's too far gone. Read to him
from this old Ikea catalogue.
Murph holds up Adam's head and slaps his cheek.
Adam? Hey buddy, listen.
(reading from the catalogue)
The Skewner is a modular storage
system designed to adapt to the way
YOU live. It's available in white
and eggshell, and is compatible
with our Cumster, Dumster, and
Cumdumster lines of --
Adam suddenly sits forward and barfs up seawater.
You're okay, buddy. You're okay.
You did it Murph. You did it.
Murph smiles and gives her a thumbs up. FREEZE FRAME as a
stirring 90s adventure show theme plays.
TITLE: "STARRING: BRIAN MURPHY as 'MURPH'"
Still of Emily.
TITLE: "EMILY AXFORD as 'EMILY'"
Still of pantless Adam.
TITLE: "ADAM CONOVER as 'ALAN CONOVER'"
Still of Adam sitting on a naked, grinning Dan Gurewitch,
kneeling all fours where the toilet should be.
TITLE: "And introducing: DAN GUREWITCH as The Toilet."