A battle for the ages.
By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to- CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character thumbnails (Example: http://bit.ly/RIKg29), so small they're hard to make out. Player One and Two cursors flip through them, passing conceptual characters like "Grammar, Postmodernism, Canada, etc." they settle on "Adulthood" and "Childhood," respectively. Fade out/in to- INT. FIGHTING GAME ARENA - DAY Adulthood and Childhood stand on opposite sides of the frame. Each has an opening animation with a clip of dialogue. ADULTHOOD 401K's are fine, but I really recommend a Roth IRA! CHILDHOOD Candy is the most exciting thing I can imagine! Their health bars fill up at the top of the screen. ANNOUNCER 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! Childhood dashes back and forth across the screen, trailing lightning behind him. CHILDHOOD Boundless Energy! Adulthood blocks him. ADULTHOOD Height advantage! Height advantage! Adulthood bends over and stretches his fists across the screen Dhalsim-style. Then kicks his leg out the same way. Childhood blocks both strikes. CHILDHOOD Summer Vacation! A sun wearing shades swoops down and shines on Adulthood, giving him severe sunburn. Adulthood stumbles back, burning, but rolls to his feet. He takes out a stack of money and starts flipping bills out. ADULTHOOD Disposable Income! The money materializes into sensible purchases like clothing, food, technology, all striking Childhood & doing damage. A tiny "Bank Account" bar beside Adulthood diminishes while he fires the money. Adulthood produces a craft beer and tosses it back. ADULTHOOD Alcohol Boost! ANNOUNCER Coolness increased! He charges at Childhood. CHILDHOOD Playground Access! A Ball Pit appears around Childhood with a tall fence and a signpost that says "No Adults Without Children." Adulthood strikes the fence and is electrocuted, flies backwards. Ball Pit recedes into the ground. CHILDHOOD Tween Music! Childhood pulls out an iPod and activates it. The videogame music is replaced with a 16-bit version of Justin Bieber's Baby. Adulthood is struck by sonic waves and takes damage. Little "Immune" icons appear as the damaging waves bounce off Childhood, who is jamming to the music. Childhood tosses the iPod aside for a dramatic "super move." ANNOUNCER SUPER MOVE... CHILDHOOD Imaginaaaaa-TION! A Flying Wizard Robot T-Rex lands beside Childhood and blasts Adulthood with fire breath. WIZARD ROBOT T-REX (to Childhood) You are my best friend! T-Rex leaps back offscreen. ADULTHOOD R-rated Movies! Adulthood produces a large MPAA rating bar (Rated "R" for excessive violence) and smacks Childhood with it. ADULTHOOD Romance! He spins a lady in an evening dress, dips her & kisses her deeply, sending out romance waves. Chidhood gags, taking damage and flying back into the air. Adulthood activates his own super move. ANNOUNCER SUPER MOVE... Adulthood darts offscreen and drives across the stage in a sensible hybrid, knocking Childhood further up into the air ADULTHOOD DRIIIIIIVIIIING! Childhood tumbles to the ground, but quickly recovers. Both health bars are nearly empty. Adulthood and Childhood launch flying kicks towards each other. As they meet, a white flash obscures the screen. When it fades, a shadowy CLOAKED FIGURE grips both their legs. Music gets serious. CLOAKED FIGURE Huah! He spins and throws Adulthood and Childhood to the right side of the screen. ANNOUNCER A new challenger approaches! The figure tears off his cloak to reveal MANCHILD, a 20-something scruffy dude with a ponytail and a plaid shirt. MANCHILD This videogame art book will look great on my coffee table! Manchild's health bar appears opposite Childhood & Adulthood. All bars fill. ANNOUNCER Get ready! Fight! MANCHILD Milkshakes for breakfast! Milkshakes for breakfast! Karate Classes! He blasts his opponants with flying milkshakes, then does a spinning Chun-li kick across the screen, scattering Adulthood & Childhood. Childhood pulls out a TV set that blasts colors at Manchild. CHILDHOOD Saturday Morning Cartoons! Manchild absorbs the colors into a leather-bound DVD set. MANCHILD Limited Edition DVD Boxsets! Adulthood flings credit cards at Manchild, Gambit-style. ADULTHOOD Credit Cards! Manchild activates his super move. ANNOUNCER SUPER MOVE... MANCHILD ILL-ADVISED PURCHASES! A stampede of electric guitars, mopeds, big-screen TVs, videogame systems, dinosaur statues and other impulse buys surges forth, blasting Adulthood and Childhood off the screen. Their health bars drop to zero. Manchild strikes a victory pose. ANNOUNCER Manchild wins! MANCHILD I'm not sure if marriage is right for me! End.