A battle for the ages.
By Owen Parsons
ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN
TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit
music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to-
CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character
thumbnails (Example: http://bit.ly/RIKg29), so small they're
hard to make out. Player One and Two cursors flip through
them, passing conceptual characters like "Grammar,
Postmodernism, Canada, etc." they settle on "Adulthood" and
"Childhood," respectively. Fade out/in to-
INT. FIGHTING GAME ARENA - DAY
Adulthood and Childhood stand on opposite sides of the
frame. Each has an opening animation with a clip of
401K's are fine, but I really
recommend a Roth IRA!
Candy is the most exciting thing I
Their health bars fill up at the top of the screen.
3! 2! 1! FIGHT!
Childhood dashes back and forth across the screen, trailing
lightning behind him.
Adulthood blocks him.
Height advantage! Height advantage!
Adulthood bends over and stretches his fists across the
screen Dhalsim-style. Then kicks his leg out the same way.
Childhood blocks both strikes.
A sun wearing shades swoops down and shines on Adulthood,
giving him severe sunburn. Adulthood stumbles back, burning,
but rolls to his feet. He takes out a stack of money and
starts flipping bills out.
The money materializes into sensible purchases like
clothing, food, technology, all striking Childhood & doing
damage. A tiny "Bank Account" bar beside Adulthood
diminishes while he fires the money.
Adulthood produces a craft beer and tosses it back.
He charges at Childhood.
A Ball Pit appears around Childhood with a tall fence and a
signpost that says "No Adults Without Children." Adulthood
strikes the fence and is electrocuted, flies backwards. Ball
Pit recedes into the ground.
Childhood pulls out an iPod and activates it. The videogame
music is replaced with a 16-bit version of Justin Bieber's
Baby. Adulthood is struck by sonic waves and takes damage.
Little "Immune" icons appear as the damaging waves bounce
off Childhood, who is jamming to the music.
Childhood tosses the iPod aside for a dramatic "super move."
A Flying Wizard Robot T-Rex lands beside Childhood and
blasts Adulthood with fire breath.
WIZARD ROBOT T-REX
You are my best friend!
T-Rex leaps back offscreen.
Adulthood produces a large MPAA rating bar (Rated "R" for
excessive violence) and smacks Childhood with it.
He spins a lady in an evening dress, dips her & kisses her
deeply, sending out romance waves. Chidhood gags, taking
damage and flying back into the air.
Adulthood activates his own super move.
Adulthood darts offscreen and drives across the stage in a
sensible hybrid, knocking Childhood further up into the air
Childhood tumbles to the ground, but quickly recovers. Both
health bars are nearly empty.
Adulthood and Childhood launch flying kicks towards each
other. As they meet, a white flash obscures the screen. When
it fades, a shadowy CLOAKED FIGURE grips both their legs.
Music gets serious.
He spins and throws Adulthood and Childhood to the right
side of the screen.
A new challenger approaches!
The figure tears off his cloak to reveal MANCHILD, a
20-something scruffy dude with a ponytail and a plaid shirt.
This videogame art book will look
great on my coffee table!
Manchild's health bar appears opposite Childhood &
Adulthood. All bars fill.
Get ready! Fight!
Milkshakes for breakfast!
Milkshakes for breakfast! Karate
He blasts his opponants with flying milkshakes, then does a
spinning Chun-li kick across the screen, scattering
Adulthood & Childhood.
Childhood pulls out a TV set that blasts colors at Manchild.
Saturday Morning Cartoons!
Manchild absorbs the colors into a leather-bound DVD set.
Limited Edition DVD Boxsets!
Adulthood flings credit cards at Manchild, Gambit-style.
Manchild activates his super move.
A stampede of electric guitars, mopeds, big-screen TVs,
videogame systems, dinosaur statues and other impulse buys
surges forth, blasting Adulthood and Childhood off the
screen. Their health bars drop to zero. Manchild strikes a
I'm not sure if marriage is right