321 Fight: Adulthood vs. Childhood

By

Owen Parsons

          ANIMATED VIDEOGAME MENU SCREEN

          TITLE SCREEN - 3! 2! 1! FIGHT! logo appears over 16-bit
          music. Cursor selects "new game." Fade out/in to-

          CHARACTER MENU SCREEN - Hundreds of tiny character
          thumbnails (Example: http://bit.ly/RIKg29), so small they're
          hard to make out. Player One and Two cursors flip through
          them, passing conceptual characters like "Grammar,
          Postmodernism, Canada, etc." they settle on "Adulthood" and
          "Childhood," respectively. Fade out/in to-

          INT. FIGHTING GAME ARENA - DAY

          Adulthood and Childhood stand on opposite sides of the
          frame. Each has an opening animation with a clip of
          dialogue.

                              ADULTHOOD
                    401K's are fine, but I really
                    recommend a Roth IRA!

                              CHILDHOOD
                    Candy is the most exciting thing I
                    can imagine!

          Their health bars fill up at the top of the screen.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    3! 2! 1! FIGHT!

          Childhood dashes back and forth across the screen, trailing
          lightning behind him.

                              CHILDHOOD
                    Boundless Energy!

          Adulthood blocks him.

                              ADULTHOOD
                    Height advantage! Height advantage!

          Adulthood bends over and stretches his fists across the
          screen Dhalsim-style. Then kicks his leg out the same way.
          Childhood blocks both strikes.

                              CHILDHOOD
                    Summer Vacation!

          A sun wearing shades swoops down and shines on Adulthood,
          giving him severe sunburn. Adulthood stumbles back, burning,
          but rolls to his feet. He takes out a stack of money and
          starts flipping bills out.

                              ADULTHOOD
                    Disposable Income!

          The money materializes into sensible purchases like
          clothing, food, technology, all striking Childhood & doing
          damage. A tiny "Bank Account" bar beside Adulthood 
          diminishes while he fires the money.

          Adulthood produces a craft beer and tosses it back.

                              ADULTHOOD
                    Alcohol Boost!

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Coolness increased!

          He charges at Childhood.

                              CHILDHOOD
                    Playground Access!

          A Ball Pit appears around Childhood with a tall fence and a
          signpost that says "No Adults Without Children." Adulthood
          strikes the fence and is electrocuted, flies backwards. Ball
          Pit recedes into the ground.

                              CHILDHOOD
                    Tween Music!

          Childhood pulls out an iPod and activates it. The videogame
          music is replaced with a 16-bit version of Justin Bieber's
          Baby. Adulthood is struck by sonic waves and takes damage.
          Little "Immune" icons appear as the damaging waves bounce
          off Childhood, who is jamming to the music.

          Childhood tosses the iPod aside for a dramatic "super move."

                              ANNOUNCER
                    SUPER MOVE...

                              CHILDHOOD
                    Imaginaaaaa-TION!

          A Flying Wizard Robot T-Rex lands beside Childhood and
          blasts Adulthood with fire breath.

                              WIZARD ROBOT T-REX
                         (to Childhood)
                    You are my best friend!

          T-Rex leaps back offscreen.

                              ADULTHOOD
                    R-rated Movies!

          Adulthood produces a large MPAA rating bar (Rated "R" for
          excessive violence) and smacks Childhood with it.

                              ADULTHOOD
                    Romance!

          He spins a lady in an evening dress, dips her & kisses her
          deeply, sending out romance waves. Chidhood gags, taking
          damage and flying back into the air.

          Adulthood activates his own super move.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    SUPER MOVE...

          Adulthood darts offscreen and drives across the stage in a
          sensible hybrid, knocking Childhood further up into the air

                              ADULTHOOD
                    DRIIIIIIVIIIING!

          Childhood tumbles to the ground, but quickly recovers. Both
          health bars are nearly empty.

          Adulthood and Childhood launch flying kicks towards each
          other. As they meet, a white flash obscures the screen. When
          it fades, a shadowy CLOAKED FIGURE grips both their legs.
          Music gets serious.

                              CLOAKED FIGURE
                    Huah!

          He spins and throws Adulthood and Childhood to the right
          side of the screen.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    A new challenger approaches!

          The figure tears off his cloak to reveal MANCHILD, a
          20-something scruffy dude with a ponytail and a plaid shirt.

                              MANCHILD
                    This videogame art book will look
                    great on my coffee table!

          Manchild's health bar appears opposite Childhood &
          Adulthood. All bars fill.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Get ready! Fight!

                              MANCHILD
                    Milkshakes for breakfast!
                    Milkshakes for breakfast! Karate
                    Classes!

          He blasts his opponants with flying milkshakes, then does a
          spinning Chun-li kick across the screen, scattering
          Adulthood & Childhood.

          Childhood pulls out a TV set that blasts colors at Manchild.

                              CHILDHOOD
                    Saturday Morning Cartoons!

          Manchild absorbs the colors into a leather-bound DVD set.

                              MANCHILD
                    Limited Edition DVD Boxsets!

          Adulthood flings credit cards at Manchild, Gambit-style.

                              ADULTHOOD
                    Credit Cards!

          Manchild activates his super move.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    SUPER MOVE...

                              MANCHILD
                    ILL-ADVISED PURCHASES!

          A stampede of electric guitars, mopeds, big-screen TVs,
          videogame systems, dinosaur statues and other impulse buys
          surges forth, blasting Adulthood and Childhood off the
          screen. Their health bars drop to zero. Manchild strikes a
          victory pose.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Manchild wins!

                              MANCHILD
                    I'm not sure if marriage is right
                    for me!

          End.