Everyday Acting: How to Act at the Bar

By

Dan Gurewitch

          INT. BLACK BOX THEATRE SPACE - DAY

                              CALM NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         (with accompanying TITLE)
                    "Everyday Acting." The theatre
                    workshop for real-life situations.

          TEXT: "AT THE BAR" fades in, then out, as VIRGIL HONEYCUTT
          addresses a circle of STUDENTS.

                              VIRGIL
                    "The bar is the ultimate stage."
                    Anton Chekbov said this while
                    peeing beside me at a trough
                    urinal.
                         (beat)
                    If you are the first to arrive, use
                    your mobile telephone as a prop to
                    convince the world you are not a
                    sad person who drinks alone.

          Everyone takes out their cell phones.

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    I like to pretend I'm texting my
                    imaginary friend Lionel. If you
                    have a real friend, let that
                    inspire you - I personally do not,
                    so I use Lionel.
                         (performing; "typing")
                    "What's that Lionel? I'm invited to
                    a party with many important guests
                    including Bill Pullman? Yes, I can
                    attend!" AND SCENE.
                         (showing his phone)
                    As you can see, I've just been
                    tapping on a photo of my basement
                    mold problem.

                                                          CUT TO:

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    It is often said that "the specific
                    is universal." This is BULL SHITE
                    at a bar, when you may be
                    surrounded by sports fans and must
                    convincingly blend in with them.
                    Vague dialogue is king.

          Quick cuts as students attempt this:

                              VERA
                    Great sporting!

                              NIKOLAI
                    Obtain the most points!

                              BERTRAND
                    Bad legs, Uniform Man!

                                                          CUT TO:

                              VIRGIL
                    When a friend's friend remembers
                    you, and you don't remember them,
                    you must sell your performance with
                    RAW CONFIDENCE.

          He performs two versions of a greeting to an O.S. person
          (separate shots). Text is overlayed as described:

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                         (Text: "RIGHT")
                    "Hey you!"
                         (Text: "WRONG")
                    "Heyyyyyyy yooooouuuuuu!"

          Back to teaching:

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    And ask questions that could lead
                    you to their identity.

                              ENTIRE CLASS
                    "What is your favorite word that
                    rhymes with your name?"

                              VIRGIL
                    Good! Now, internalize this moment,
                    Vera: I've just made a joke to you.
                    The music was too loud for you to
                    hear, but you must be polite.
                    Begin.

          Vera forces a REALLY AWKWARD LAUGH.
                         VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                         (touching heart/emotional)
                    That came from here. And I fucking
                    respect it.

                                                          CUT TO:

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Now, it is of paramount importance
                    that your audience doesn't realize
                    that taking shots makes you want to
                    cry and barf. We must exercise
                    FACIAL CONTROL.

          Virgil walks around, correcting students as they attempt to
          stop their faces from looking puckered and pained.

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Make your mouth tiny. Tiny mouths,
                    suck it up. If you feel a tear on
                    your cheek, catch it with your
                    tongue.

          Pembroke FLICKS HIS TONGUE sucking up a tear.

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Good, Pembroke.
                         (beat)
                    If you MUST react, overreact so
                    comically that your audience will
                    think you're being ironic.
                         (performing)
                    WHEEYOOO-WOW! TITTYFUCK!

          Virgil looks at Rebecca. She's drinking out of a flask.

                              VIRGIL (CONT'D)
                    Rebecca- Jesus Rebecca, have you
                    actually been drinking?

          Rebecca coughs up a little barf as we BLACK OUT.

          END.