From CH Staff on
Why use wimpy pistols when you can use your manly fistols?
By Josh Ruben & Dan Gurewitch
INT. IN FRONT OF AN AMERICAN FLAG - DAY DAN and JOSH stand and address camera. JOSH The gun situation in America has gotten completely out of control. CUT TO A VERY OLD WOMAN, holding TWO GUNS. OLD WOMAN This is my .45 caliber Desert Eagle, and here's my Walther PPK with a Crimson Trace Polymer Lasergrip. Back to Dan and Josh. DAN So today, we're here to present you with a cooler, less horrifically deadly alternative to all them guns: DAN & JOSH PUNCHING! EXCITING GRAPHIC slams onto screen: PUNCHING! JOSH A "punch" is a striking blow with a closed fist. L3 TEXT: "PUNCH (N.) A striking blow with a closed fist." DAN If you think the kickback of a .357 Magnum feels good, try punching someone in the face! Josh PUNCHES DAN IN THE FACE. JOSH Now that's satisfying! DAN But let's get down to beeswax. Why punching? JOSH It's inexpensive! Hell, anyone with a meaty palm and five phalanges can dole out some just desserts! DAN It's stealthy! A fist is a concealed weapon, and everybody's packin'. CUT TO PLAYGROUND: Josh (as bully) approaches Dan (as kid). DAN (putting his hands up) "Don't, Mr. Bully! I'm unarmed!" (turns palms to fists, serious) "OH WAIT." Dan PUNCHES CAMERA and we transition back to the flag set. GUN OWNER But guns have been a part of American history for hundreds of years! DAN Well, fists have been a part of human history since we evolved from monkeys. GUN OWNER WE DIDN'T EVOLVE FROM- DAN (quickly) Eh, that's a whole other thing. ON JOSH, who is casually oiling up his fist (like a .22). JOSH Now, you may think that guns are better for hunting. Okay. What's cooler: this? INSERT: A HUNTER shoots a rifle into the air. Lame. JOSH Or THIS: INSERT: The same hunter walks up to a BIRD ON A TREE BRANCH, and PUNCHES THE BIRD OFF THE BRANCH. An explosion of feathers. DAN Punching even makes target practice more fun. QUICK INSERTS: -A man punches a series of bottles lined up on a fence (each exploding on impact.) -A CLAY DISC is fired into the air above a field. A MAN JUMPS INTO THE AIR and PUNCH-SHATTERS IT WITH HIS FIST. DAN If everyone stuck to punching, the world would be a better place. QUICK INSERTS: -ABRAHAM LINCOLN, sitting in his box seat, gets PUNCHED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD. He turns around, annoyed (yet majestic): ABRAHAM LINCOLN Dude! -ANIMATION: BAMBI looks horrified. BAMBI MOM?! Reveal BAMBI'S MOM with a BLACK EYE, mid-escape: BAMBI'S MOM We gotta get outta here, sweetie, someone's punching deer! -KURT COBAIN sits in his house, melodramatically sad. KURT COBAIN The world will never forget Kurt Cobain. (he PUNCHES HIMSELF; pathetic:) Owwwww. CUT BACK TO Dan & Josh. JOSH Finally, what's so courageous about defending yourself with a machine that does all the work for you? Punching is BRAVE. DAN Straight-up? Snipers are cowards. -INSERT: A SNIPER fires his weapon from a tower, then immediately WHIMPERS GIRLISHLY and pit-patters away. JOSH You know who prefers punching to guns? Fucking Batman. QUICK INSERT: Famous image of BATMAN SLAPPING ROBIN (see us); ADR: [SMACK] ROBIN: "Bruce, why?" DAN So to those that would rather have a Smith & Wesson than a- (re: his TWO FISTS) -"Pinky" and "The Brain," we say, join us! At the National Punching Association. A BANNER unfurls behind Dan and Josh. LOGO: "NPA," and a man being punched with comical pain lines. SFX: THWACK. DAN Where our motto is: DAN AND JOSH YOU CAN HAVE MY HANDS, WHEN YOU PRY MY HANDS, FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS. They realize that didn't quite work as we CUT TO BLACK. END.