Why use wimpy pistols when you can use your manly fistols?
By Josh Ruben & Dan Gurewitch
INT. IN FRONT OF AN AMERICAN FLAG - DAY
DAN and JOSH stand and address camera.
The gun situation in America has
gotten completely out of control.
CUT TO A VERY OLD WOMAN, holding TWO GUNS.
This is my .45 caliber Desert
Eagle, and here's my Walther PPK
with a Crimson Trace Polymer
Back to Dan and Josh.
So today, we're here to present you
with a cooler, less horrifically
deadly alternative to all them
DAN & JOSH
EXCITING GRAPHIC slams onto screen: PUNCHING!
A "punch" is a striking blow with a
L3 TEXT: "PUNCH (N.) A striking blow with a closed fist."
If you think the kickback of a .357
Magnum feels good, try punching
someone in the face!
Josh PUNCHES DAN IN THE FACE.
Now that's satisfying!
But let's get down to beeswax. Why
It's inexpensive! Hell, anyone with
a meaty palm and five phalanges can
dole out some just desserts!
It's stealthy! A fist is a
concealed weapon, and everybody's
CUT TO PLAYGROUND: Josh (as bully) approaches Dan (as kid).
(putting his hands up)
"Don't, Mr. Bully! I'm unarmed!"
(turns palms to fists,
Dan PUNCHES CAMERA and we transition back to the flag set.
But guns have been a part of
American history for hundreds of
Well, fists have been a part of
human history since we evolved from
WE DIDN'T EVOLVE FROM-
Eh, that's a whole other thing.
ON JOSH, who is casually oiling up his fist (like a .22).
Now, you may think that guns are
better for hunting. Okay. What's
INSERT: A HUNTER shoots a rifle into the air. Lame.
INSERT: The same hunter walks up to a BIRD ON A TREE BRANCH,
and PUNCHES THE BIRD OFF THE BRANCH. An explosion of
Punching even makes target practice
-A man punches a series of bottles lined up on a fence (each
exploding on impact.)
-A CLAY DISC is fired into the air above a field. A MAN
JUMPS INTO THE AIR and PUNCH-SHATTERS IT WITH HIS FIST.
If everyone stuck to punching, the
world would be a better place.
-ABRAHAM LINCOLN, sitting in his box seat, gets PUNCHED IN
THE BACK OF THE HEAD. He turns around, annoyed (yet
-ANIMATION: BAMBI looks horrified. BAMBI
Reveal BAMBI'S MOM with a BLACK EYE, mid-escape:
We gotta get outta here, sweetie,
someone's punching deer!
-KURT COBAIN sits in his house, melodramatically sad.
The world will never forget Kurt
(he PUNCHES HIMSELF;
CUT BACK TO Dan & Josh.
Finally, what's so courageous about
defending yourself with a machine
that does all the work for you?
Punching is BRAVE.
Straight-up? Snipers are cowards.
-INSERT: A SNIPER fires his weapon from a tower, then
immediately WHIMPERS GIRLISHLY and pit-patters away.
You know who prefers punching to
guns? Fucking Batman.
QUICK INSERT: Famous image of BATMAN SLAPPING ROBIN (see
us); ADR: [SMACK] ROBIN: "Bruce, why?"
So to those that would rather have
a Smith & Wesson than a-
(re: his TWO FISTS)
-"Pinky" and "The Brain," we say,
join us! At the National Punching
A BANNER unfurls behind Dan and Josh. LOGO: "NPA," and a man
being punched with comical pain lines. SFX: THWACK.
Where our motto is:
DAN AND JOSH
YOU CAN HAVE MY HANDS, WHEN YOU PRY
MY HANDS, FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.
They realize that didn't quite work as we CUT TO BLACK.