Less Guns, More Punching

By

Josh Ruben & Dan Gurewitch

          INT. IN FRONT OF AN AMERICAN FLAG - DAY

          DAN and JOSH stand and address camera.

                              JOSH
                    The gun situation in America has
                    gotten completely out of control.

          CUT TO A VERY OLD WOMAN, holding TWO GUNS.

                              OLD WOMAN
                    This is my .45 caliber Desert
                    Eagle, and here's my Walther PPK
                    with a Crimson Trace Polymer
                    Lasergrip.

          Back to Dan and Josh.

                              DAN
                    So today, we're here to present you
                    with a cooler, less horrifically
                    deadly alternative to all them
                    guns:

                              DAN & JOSH
                    PUNCHING!

          EXCITING GRAPHIC slams onto screen: PUNCHING!

                              JOSH
                    A "punch" is a striking blow with a
                    closed fist.

          L3 TEXT: "PUNCH (N.) A striking blow with a closed fist."

                              DAN
                    If you think the kickback of a .357
                    Magnum feels good, try punching
                    someone in the face!

          Josh PUNCHES DAN IN THE FACE.

                              JOSH
                    Now that's satisfying!

                              DAN
                    But let's get down to beeswax. Why
                    punching?

                              JOSH
                    It's inexpensive! Hell, anyone with
                    a meaty palm and five phalanges can
                    dole out some just desserts!

                              DAN
                    It's stealthy! A fist is a
                    concealed weapon, and everybody's
                    packin'.

          CUT TO PLAYGROUND: Josh (as bully) approaches Dan (as kid).

                              DAN
                         (putting his hands up)
                    "Don't, Mr. Bully! I'm unarmed!"
                         (turns palms to fists,
                         serious)
                    "OH WAIT."

          Dan PUNCHES CAMERA and we transition back to the flag set.

                              GUN OWNER
                    But guns have been a part of
                    American history for hundreds of
                    years!

                              DAN
                    Well, fists have been a part of
                    human history since we evolved from
                    monkeys.

                              GUN OWNER
                    WE DIDN'T EVOLVE FROM-

                              DAN
                         (quickly)
                    Eh, that's a whole other thing.

          ON JOSH, who is casually oiling up his fist (like a .22).

                              JOSH
                    Now, you may think that guns are
                    better for hunting. Okay. What's
                    cooler: this?

          INSERT: A HUNTER shoots a rifle into the air. Lame.

                              JOSH
                    Or THIS:

          INSERT: The same hunter walks up to a BIRD ON A TREE BRANCH,
          and PUNCHES THE BIRD OFF THE BRANCH. An explosion of
          feathers.

                              DAN
                    Punching even makes target practice
                    more fun.

          QUICK INSERTS:

          -A man punches a series of bottles lined up on a fence (each
          exploding on impact.)

          -A CLAY DISC is fired into the air above a field. A MAN
          JUMPS INTO THE AIR and PUNCH-SHATTERS IT WITH HIS FIST.

                              DAN
                    If everyone stuck to punching, the
                    world would be a better place.
          QUICK INSERTS:

          -ABRAHAM LINCOLN, sitting in his box seat, gets PUNCHED IN
          THE BACK OF THE HEAD. He turns around, annoyed (yet
          majestic):

                              ABRAHAM LINCOLN
                    Dude!

          -ANIMATION: BAMBI looks horrified. BAMBI
                    MOM?!

          Reveal BAMBI'S MOM with a BLACK EYE, mid-escape:

                              BAMBI'S MOM
                    We gotta get outta here, sweetie,
                    someone's punching deer!

          -KURT COBAIN sits in his house, melodramatically sad.

                              KURT COBAIN
                    The world will never forget Kurt
                    Cobain.
                         (he PUNCHES HIMSELF;
                         pathetic:)
                    Owwwww.

          CUT BACK TO Dan & Josh.

                              JOSH
                    Finally, what's so courageous about
                    defending yourself with a machine
                    that does all the work for you?
                    Punching is BRAVE.

                              DAN
                    Straight-up? Snipers are cowards.

          -INSERT: A SNIPER fires his weapon from a tower, then
          immediately WHIMPERS GIRLISHLY and pit-patters away.

                              JOSH
                    You know who prefers punching to
                    guns? Fucking Batman.

          QUICK INSERT: Famous image of BATMAN SLAPPING ROBIN (see
          us); ADR: [SMACK] ROBIN: "Bruce, why?"

                              DAN
                    So to those that would rather have
                    a Smith & Wesson than a-
                         (re: his TWO FISTS)
                    -"Pinky" and "The Brain," we say,
                    join us! At the National Punching
                    Association.

          A BANNER unfurls behind Dan and Josh. LOGO: "NPA," and a man
          being punched with comical pain lines. SFX: THWACK.

                              DAN
                    Where our motto is:

                              DAN AND JOSH
                    YOU CAN HAVE MY HANDS, WHEN YOU PRY
                    MY HANDS, FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS.

          They realize that didn't quite work as we CUT TO BLACK.

          END.