Hardly Working: Guy Fieri's Bad News

By

Owen Parsons

          INT. OFFICE

          Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives commercial bumper transitions to
          GUY FIERI rolling into the CollegeHumor office.

                              GUY
                    Hey hey, buena vista, hombres! I'm
                    Guy Fieri, and today I'm at the
                    CollegeHumor offices, gettin' ready
                    to heat things up by judging an old
                    fashioned chili cookoff. Let's jam.

          D,D&D Bumper transition to:

          INT. OFFICE - KITCHEN - JOSH

          GUY FIERI tastes Josh's chili. Josh is so excited.

                              GUY
                    Josh, I gotta say your Five Alarm
                    Firecracker Chili is off da hook.

                              JOSH
                    Hahaohmygod, thanks so much. Hey,
                    real quick, can you say hi to my
                    parents? They're huge fans.

          Josh dials his cell phone and hands it to Guy.

                              GUY
                    No prob, hombre, happy to help.
                         (taking phone)
                    Hello Mrs. Ruben! Guy Fieri here,
                    just lettin' you know that your
                    son's the chili king... Uh-huh. Oh!
                    Oh, okay, I'll tell him.
                         (hanging up)
                    Hey, you know your grandparents?

                              JOSH
                    Oh yeah, they love your show too.
                         (to camera)
                    Hey Memaw! Hey Pop-pop!

                              GUY
                    Well Memaw and Pop-pop just rode
                    the big '67 Camaro into the sky.
                    They're doing living, their way.
                    Specifically, dying. They burned
                    alive in a caliente car accident.
                    Which reminds me, this chili is one
                    off da hook inferno. Totally money.

          Hold on Josh, torn between grinning & crying.

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - KEVIN

                              GUY
                    Next stop, Grizzly Adams, or should
                    I say.. Grizzchili Adams?
                         (tasting the chili)
                    MMM, I'm gettin some totally zesty,
                    totally beany flavors in here!

                              KEVIN
                    That's the beans.

                              GUY
                    Buddy, if beans were jet fighters,
                    your chili would be Top Gun.

                              KEVIN
                    Wow, thanks!

                              GUY
                    Also, before I forget, your doctor
                    stopped by earlier & dropped off
                    these test results. Bad news is,
                    the infection's not healing and
                    that leg's gonna have to come off.
                    Good news is, I'd trade my own leg
                    for a chili recipe this slammin'!

          Kevin is also torn between grinning & crying.

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - OWEN

          Guy is eating Owen's chili.

                              GUY
                    So, bad news, you've been
                    torrenting enough old episodes of
                    the Snorks to get on Warner Bros.
                    radar. Now they're all lawyered up
                    and coming after you to the tune of
                    a spicy three-hundo-thouso.

                              OWEN
                    How did-

                              GUY
                    Your girlfriend spilled the beans,
                    no pun intended, during one of my
                    Roadside Riblet BBQ Classes. Turns
                    out, she's an FBI informant and
                    never loved you as much as I LOVE
                    THIS CHILI! Overflowing with bold
                    flaves, for real? Best one yet.
                    Good luck in court, bro. Bump it.

          He fist bumps Owen, who is grinning/crying.

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - DAN

                              GUY
                         (tasting Dan's chili)
                    WHOA! Welcome to Flavortown,
                    Population: Dan's chili!

          Dan gasps in joy.

                              GUY
                    Also, your house burned down.

          Dan frowns.
                    But your chili is burnin' up!

          Dan grins.

                              GUY
                    Just like your possessions.

          Dan frowns.

                              GUY
                    And none of your dogs got out!

          Dan frowns harder.

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - EMILY

                              GUY
                    Three things I know are true: this
                    triple pepper potion is jammin
                    power chords on a flavor guitar,
                    your grandparents were nazi war
                    criminals, and I could eat this off
                    an old flip flop. Ha, JK!

                              EMILY
                    Wh- which part was the JK?

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - ADAM

                              GUY
                         (pointing to the chili and
                         then to Adam)
                    Delicious, da-lupus.

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - MURPH

                              GUY
                    Mmm! Slamalama ding dong your mom
                    tried to abort you.

          INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - JENNY

          Guy grabs a spoonful of Jenny's chili.

                              GUY
                         (tasting)
                    Mmm-mmmm, this chili just hit the
                    nitrous on the highway to flavor
                    country. Also-

          Jenny winces.

                              GUY
                    I love that mesquite flavor. Also-

          Jenny winces.

                              GUYS
                    The heat level is perfecto.

          Jenny sighs, relieved.

                              GUY
                    Also I ran over your dad outside.

                              JENNY
                    What?

                              GUY
                    Sorry, but this chili just left me
                    begging for more, which reminded me
                    of your dad begging me to move my
                    lambo so it wasn't parked on his
                    neck. Totally money.

                              JENNY
                    Is- thanks... is he okay?

                              GUY
                    Good question, I'm gonna bounce.
                         (starts backing out)
                    Guys, all y'all's chili was off da
                    hook, just like I'm off da hook for
                    the whole lambo-dad exchange. Check
                    with the Lithuanian Embassy, I got
                    mad immunity. I'm Guy Fieri. PEACE.

                              PAT
                    Wait! You didn't try my chili!

          PAT enters with a pot of chili. Guy eats a spoonful, swishes
          it around in his mouth, then slaps the pot out of Pat's
          hands.

                              GUY
                    Awful.

          END.