By Owen Parsons
INT. OFFICE Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives commercial bumper transitions to GUY FIERI rolling into the CollegeHumor office. GUY Hey hey, buena vista, hombres! I'm Guy Fieri, and today I'm at the CollegeHumor offices, gettin' ready to heat things up by judging an old fashioned chili cookoff. Let's jam. D,D&D Bumper transition to: INT. OFFICE - KITCHEN - JOSH GUY FIERI tastes Josh's chili. Josh is so excited. GUY Josh, I gotta say your Five Alarm Firecracker Chili is off da hook. JOSH Hahaohmygod, thanks so much. Hey, real quick, can you say hi to my parents? They're huge fans. Josh dials his cell phone and hands it to Guy. GUY No prob, hombre, happy to help. (taking phone) Hello Mrs. Ruben! Guy Fieri here, just lettin' you know that your son's the chili king... Uh-huh. Oh! Oh, okay, I'll tell him. (hanging up) Hey, you know your grandparents? JOSH Oh yeah, they love your show too. (to camera) Hey Memaw! Hey Pop-pop! GUY Well Memaw and Pop-pop just rode the big '67 Camaro into the sky. They're doing living, their way. Specifically, dying. They burned alive in a caliente car accident. Which reminds me, this chili is one off da hook inferno. Totally money. Hold on Josh, torn between grinning & crying. INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - KEVIN GUY Next stop, Grizzly Adams, or should I say.. Grizzchili Adams? (tasting the chili) MMM, I'm gettin some totally zesty, totally beany flavors in here! KEVIN That's the beans. GUY Buddy, if beans were jet fighters, your chili would be Top Gun. KEVIN Wow, thanks! GUY Also, before I forget, your doctor stopped by earlier & dropped off these test results. Bad news is, the infection's not healing and that leg's gonna have to come off. Good news is, I'd trade my own leg for a chili recipe this slammin'! Kevin is also torn between grinning & crying. INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - OWEN Guy is eating Owen's chili. GUY So, bad news, you've been torrenting enough old episodes of the Snorks to get on Warner Bros. radar. Now they're all lawyered up and coming after you to the tune of a spicy three-hundo-thouso. OWEN How did- GUY Your girlfriend spilled the beans, no pun intended, during one of my Roadside Riblet BBQ Classes. Turns out, she's an FBI informant and never loved you as much as I LOVE THIS CHILI! Overflowing with bold flaves, for real? Best one yet. Good luck in court, bro. Bump it. He fist bumps Owen, who is grinning/crying. INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - DAN GUY (tasting Dan's chili) WHOA! Welcome to Flavortown, Population: Dan's chili! Dan gasps in joy. GUY Also, your house burned down. Dan frowns. But your chili is burnin' up! Dan grins. GUY Just like your possessions. Dan frowns. GUY And none of your dogs got out! Dan frowns harder. INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - EMILY GUY Three things I know are true: this triple pepper potion is jammin power chords on a flavor guitar, your grandparents were nazi war criminals, and I could eat this off an old flip flop. Ha, JK! EMILY Wh- which part was the JK? INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - ADAM GUY (pointing to the chili and then to Adam) Delicious, da-lupus. INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - MURPH GUY Mmm! Slamalama ding dong your mom tried to abort you. INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - JENNY Guy grabs a spoonful of Jenny's chili. GUY (tasting) Mmm-mmmm, this chili just hit the nitrous on the highway to flavor country. Also- Jenny winces. GUY I love that mesquite flavor. Also- Jenny winces. GUYS The heat level is perfecto. Jenny sighs, relieved. GUY Also I ran over your dad outside. JENNY What? GUY Sorry, but this chili just left me begging for more, which reminded me of your dad begging me to move my lambo so it wasn't parked on his neck. Totally money. JENNY Is- thanks... is he okay? GUY Good question, I'm gonna bounce. (starts backing out) Guys, all y'all's chili was off da hook, just like I'm off da hook for the whole lambo-dad exchange. Check with the Lithuanian Embassy, I got mad immunity. I'm Guy Fieri. PEACE. PAT Wait! You didn't try my chili! PAT enters with a pot of chili. Guy eats a spoonful, swishes it around in his mouth, then slaps the pot out of Pat's hands. GUY Awful. END.