Tragedy has never tasted this good.
By Owen Parsons
Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives commercial bumper transitions to
GUY FIERI rolling into the CollegeHumor office.
Hey hey, buena vista, hombres! I'm
Guy Fieri, and today I'm at the
CollegeHumor offices, gettin' ready
to heat things up by judging an old
fashioned chili cookoff. Let's jam.
D,D&D Bumper transition to:
INT. OFFICE - KITCHEN - JOSH
GUY FIERI tastes Josh's chili. Josh is so excited.
Josh, I gotta say your Five Alarm
Firecracker Chili is off da hook.
Hahaohmygod, thanks so much. Hey,
real quick, can you say hi to my
parents? They're huge fans.
Josh dials his cell phone and hands it to Guy.
No prob, hombre, happy to help.
Hello Mrs. Ruben! Guy Fieri here,
just lettin' you know that your
son's the chili king... Uh-huh. Oh!
Oh, okay, I'll tell him.
Hey, you know your grandparents?
Oh yeah, they love your show too.
Hey Memaw! Hey Pop-pop!
Well Memaw and Pop-pop just rode
the big '67 Camaro into the sky.
They're doing living, their way.
Specifically, dying. They burned
alive in a caliente car accident.
Which reminds me, this chili is one
off da hook inferno. Totally money.
Hold on Josh, torn between grinning & crying.
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - KEVIN
Next stop, Grizzly Adams, or should
I say.. Grizzchili Adams?
(tasting the chili)
MMM, I'm gettin some totally zesty,
totally beany flavors in here!
That's the beans.
Buddy, if beans were jet fighters,
your chili would be Top Gun.
Also, before I forget, your doctor
stopped by earlier & dropped off
these test results. Bad news is,
the infection's not healing and
that leg's gonna have to come off.
Good news is, I'd trade my own leg
for a chili recipe this slammin'!
Kevin is also torn between grinning & crying.
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - OWEN
Guy is eating Owen's chili.
So, bad news, you've been
torrenting enough old episodes of
the Snorks to get on Warner Bros.
radar. Now they're all lawyered up
and coming after you to the tune of
a spicy three-hundo-thouso.
Your girlfriend spilled the beans,
no pun intended, during one of my
Roadside Riblet BBQ Classes. Turns
out, she's an FBI informant and
never loved you as much as I LOVE
THIS CHILI! Overflowing with bold
flaves, for real? Best one yet.
Good luck in court, bro. Bump it.
He fist bumps Owen, who is grinning/crying.
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - DAN
(tasting Dan's chili)
WHOA! Welcome to Flavortown,
Population: Dan's chili!
Dan gasps in joy.
Also, your house burned down.
But your chili is burnin' up!
Just like your possessions.
And none of your dogs got out!
Dan frowns harder.
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - EMILY
Three things I know are true: this
triple pepper potion is jammin
power chords on a flavor guitar,
your grandparents were nazi war
criminals, and I could eat this off
an old flip flop. Ha, JK!
Wh- which part was the JK?
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - ADAM
(pointing to the chili and
then to Adam)
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - MURPH
Mmm! Slamalama ding dong your mom
tried to abort you.
INT. COLLEGEHUMOR KITCHEN - JENNY
Guy grabs a spoonful of Jenny's chili.
Mmm-mmmm, this chili just hit the
nitrous on the highway to flavor
I love that mesquite flavor. Also-
The heat level is perfecto.
Jenny sighs, relieved.
Also I ran over your dad outside.
Sorry, but this chili just left me
begging for more, which reminded me
of your dad begging me to move my
lambo so it wasn't parked on his
neck. Totally money.
Is- thanks... is he okay?
Good question, I'm gonna bounce.
(starts backing out)
Guys, all y'all's chili was off da
hook, just like I'm off da hook for
the whole lambo-dad exchange. Check
with the Lithuanian Embassy, I got
mad immunity. I'm Guy Fieri. PEACE.
Wait! You didn't try my chili!
PAT enters with a pot of chili. Guy eats a spoonful, swishes
it around in his mouth, then slaps the pot out of Pat's