The Nicolas Cage Awards

By

Owen Parsons

          INT. AWARDS CEREMONY - NIGHT

          Fancy Awards Show Intro Graphics.

                              ANNOUNCER
                    Welcome, to the 244th Annual
                    Nicolas Cage Awards.

          A montage of Nicolas Cage movie scenes fades to various
          shots of different applauding NICOLAS CAGES in the audience.
          A glamorous HOSTESS approaches the onstage podium.

                              HOSTESS
                    Good evening, and welcome. As you
                    know, the Nicolas Cage Awards are
                    given out for distinguished
                    performances in Nicolas Cage
                    movies. No other genre shows so
                    much range, diversity, and fearless
                    originality, as the Nic Cage film.

          Various shots of Nic Cages in the crowd. Smiling Nic Cage.
          Clapping Nic Cage. Nic Cage in a stunning evening dress.

                              HOSTESS
                    Our first award tonight is "Best
                    Use of a Wifebeater & Regional
                    Accent in a Nicolas Cage Movie."
                    The nominees are...

          (Clips of each movie appear as she names them.)

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Raising Arizona.

          Insert: Cage, wearing wife beater, drawl.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Moonstruck.

          Insert: Cage, wearing wife beater, Brooklyn accent.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Con-Air.

          Insert: Cage, wearing wife beater, drawl.

                              HOSTESS
                    And the award goes to... Nicolas
                    Cage!

          NICOLAS CAGE 1 stands up as the crowd of Cages applaud. He
          nods to them and approaches the stage.

                              HOSTESS
                    "Best Master Thief Forced Out of
                    Retirement To Pull The Biggest
                    Heist of His Career To Protect His
                    Family." The nominees are...
                    Nicolas Cage. Stolen.

          Insert: Nic Cage in Stolen.

                              NIC CAGE
                    I need to steal 10 million dollars.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. National Treasure 2.

          Insert: Nic Cage in National Treasure 2.

                              NIC CAGE
                    I'm gonna kidnap the president.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Gone in 60 Seconds.

          Insert: Nic Cage in Gone in 60 Seconds.

                              NIC CAGE
                    I'm gonna steal 50 cars in 24
                    hours... in 60 seconds.

                                                    STAR WIPE TO:

                              HOSTESS
                    And now, "Greatest Villain in a
                    Nicolas Cage Movie." The nominees
                    are... A Demon Guy. Ghost Rider.

          Clip: Ghost Rider Nic Cage fights a demon.

                              HOSTESS
                    A Demon Guy. Ghost Rider 2.

          Clip: Ghost Rider Nic Cage fights a demon.

                              HOSTESS
                    A Demon Girl. Season of the Witch.

          Clip: Medieval Nic Cage fights a demon.

                              HOSTESS
                    A Demon Guy. Drive Angry 3D.

          Clip: Angry Driving Nic Cage fights a demon.

                                                    STAR WIPE TO:

                              HOSTESS
                    "Best Batshit Bonkers Bugeyed
                    Freakout." The nominees are...
                    Nicolas Cage. Deadfall.

          -Clip of Nic humping the bed.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Bad Lieutenant.

          -Pretty much any clip of this movie.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. The Wicker Man.

          -Nic shaking a doll & screaming "how'd it get burned."

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Vampire's Kiss.

          -Pretty much any clip of this movie. Then another. Then
          another. Audience Cages nod sagely. Then we

                                                    STAR WIPE TO:

          On the big screen: an "IN MEMORIUM" message slowly fades
          into a montage of Nicolas Cage movie deaths.

          -Nicolas Cage dying in Leaving Las Vegas. Caption: "Nicolas
          Cage, 1964-1995"

          -Nicolas Cage dying in Windtalkers. Caption: "Nicolas Cage,
          1964-2002"

          -Nicolas Cage screaming with bees on his head in The Wicker
          Man. Caption: "Nicolas Cage, 1964-2006"

          Inserts of various Nicolas Cages tearing up in the audience.

                                                    STAR WIPE TO:

                              HOSTESS
                    And now, we come to our final award
                    of the night. My favorite category.
                    "Worst Use of Hair in an Action
                    Thriller." And the nominees are...

          Dramatic drumroll. Everything has been building to this.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Bangkok Dangerous.

          Shot of his awful greasy Bangkok Dangerous Hair. Fade to
          Nicolas Cage 2, looking confident.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Next.

          Shot of his awful greasy Next Hair. Fade to Nicolas Cage 3,
          looking contemplative.

                              HOSTESS
                    Nicolas Cage. Zandalee.

          Shot of his awful greasy Zandalee Hair. Fade to Nicolas Cage
          4, shrugging.

                              HOSTESS
                    And the winner is... Tom Hanks! For
                    The Da Vinci Code.

          Shot of Tom Hanks's awful greasy Da Vinci Code Hair. Fade to
          TOM HANKS, at home, in his underwear, eating cereal,
          watching the awards ceremony on TV. Hanks spits out cereal,
          looks at camera, confused.

                              TOM HANKS
                    What the-

          End.