Paperman Threesome (Parody)

By

Kevin Corrigan & Owen Parsons

          EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY

          The Paperman short ending. STEVE and SARAH share a moment.

          The PAPER AIRPLANES swoop in and nudge them closer, lift
          their hands together until they're holding hands. They then
          flutter around and push them offscreen right, to...

          INT. FINE RESTAURANT - NIGHT

          Steve and Sarah are sitting at a table. So adorable. They
          sip wine. The paper airplanes bump up their arms,
          encouraging them to chug. They respond with a shrugging
          "Haha, OK. Sure."

          Close on wine glasses clinking together. Paper flutter
          transition to...

          EXT. SARAH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

          Steve and Sarah kiss demurely. Steve turns to leave.

          The Paper airplanes zoom in, forcing Steve & Sarah into a
          passionate embrace. The paper then whips the door open, and
          hurries them both upstairs.

          INT. SARAH'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

          Steve and Sarah make out on the bed. The paper airplanes
          gently flick off the light switch.

          Beat of makeout noises. Then suspicious paper rustling.

          CLICK - Steve turns on the lamp, revealing a human-shaped
          mass of paper between them in bed, paper arms around both of
          them.

                              STEVE / SARAH
                    Whoa! WHOAAH! WHAT!?

                              PAPER
                    Sup?

                              STEVE
                    What are you doing!?

                              PAPER
                    Tryin' to have some fun! Let's go!

                              SARAH
                    Get out!

                              PAPER
                    I don't understand what the problem
                    is, I thought we were all feeling
                    this vibe. You were so into it at
                    the train station.

                              STEVE
                    Yeah, I just- I didn't think this
                    would be a threesome!

                              PAPER
                    What, you think I just did all this
                    out of the goodness of my heart? I
                    want to get my D wet. But not too
                    wet; it's made of paper.

                              STEVE
                    No! Get OUT!

                              SARAH
                    Oh my god, I just realized how
                    crazy this all is. I don't even
                    know you. You're not married are
                    you? Oh god, I bet you're married.

                              STEVE
                    Look what you did! I was gonna
                    score!

                              PAPER
                    All right, everybody chill, relax.
                    Here's what we should do. We should
                    all take this Molly
                         (holds up pill bottle)
                    and see where the night takes us.

                              STEVE
                    Dude, I'm not doing Ecstacy, I
                    could lose my job. They drug test!

                              PAPER
                    Oh NO! Your precious paper-pushing
                    job that's a metaphor for the
                    loneliness of the human condition!

                              SARAH
                    I could do some E.

                              PAPER
                    All riiiiight.

                              STEVE
                    Whoa, you do drugs? How could you
                    keep that from me?

                              SARAH
                    This is literally the first time
                    we've spoken!

                              STEVE
                    Well I-

          Widen to reveal the Paper man is reaching down Steve's
          shorts. Steve flinches away.

                              STEVE
                    Dude! Not cool!

                              PAPER
                    Oh, shit, sorry. Papercut?

                              STEVE
                    No, I'm just not down to fuck some
                    paper dude!

                              PAPER
                    Whoa, someone's a little
                    homophobic.

                              STEVE
                    I'm not!

                              SARAH
                    A little.

                              STEVE
                    I'm NOT!

          Paper man uncaps a sharpie and draws boobs on his chest.

                              PAPER
                    Ugh, you're so vanilla. Here, this
                    do it for you?

                              STEVE
                    NO! Dude, get OUT!

                              PAPER
                    Fine. God.

          Paper flits away. Steve and Sarah are alone again.

                              STEVE
                    Look, I know we don't know each
                    other that well, and this whole
                    thing is crazy, but I really like
                    you. And I do think we have
                    something special.

                              SARAH
                    Yeah, I feel that too.

          They make out. Beat. Repetitive paper flitting sounds. Widen
          to reveal Paper man in a chair off to the side, jerking his
          paper dick.

                              STEVE
                    ALL THE WAY OUT!

                              PAPER
                    I can't even watch? This is
                    bullshit!

          Paper flies out the window.

                              PAPER
                    And you both owe me for those train
                    tickets!

          End.

          Post-Huh

          Paper man and Sarah are alone in bed, rubbing each other.
          The E bottle is next to them.

                              PAPER
                    Ah, your skin's so soft. You're so
                    lucky!

                              SARAH
                    No, paper's awesome too! It's
                    awesome that we're both different!

                              PAPER
                    Whoa!