Some people just don't drink beers with full bodies and nice curves that give good head.
By Streeter Seidell & Mike Trapp
Two guys sitting at a bar table. One has a fancy tulip
glass, and the other has a stella with the stupid little
Mmm, yeah, I like how hoppy this
is. And the vanilla undertones -
Hey, where's Mike? I haven't seen
him in a while.
Oh shit, there he is.
They both look disgusted.
What the hell is he doing? Look
what he's got his lips all over.
Ugh. He is so fucking wasted. He's
got those beer beer goggles on.
No, beer beer goggles.
They walk over to a very drunk Mike. He's got big ol' tall
boy of MGD. The can has sticky thumbprints on it and some of
the label is scratched off. They pull Mike aside.
What are you doing with that...
Wha - This's a great beer! Best
beer in the beer bar!
Mike sloppily SLURPS on the can, kind of like he's making
out with it. Chester and Dylan cringe.
Yeah...so, uh, how did this happen?
You started the night with that
nice little Hefeweizen.
Yeah, and I saw you hitting up that
Irish Red just a few hours ago.
Pfsst. I spent all this money on
them, and then they were gone. And
for what? So I can have an empty
wallet and a fuckin' headache.
Another BIG SLURP. Chester and Dylan are grossed out.
Look man, that beer you're with is
like a 2, OK? It's gross. And
everybody is watching you drink it.
Gross? I mean, yeah, like it's not
a bourbon barrel aged imperial
stout or whatever but it's not a
Mike man, it's not that far off
from a Natty.
(holding can intimately, half
talking to it)
Nah, it's light and bubbly and fun
and fuck you guys for trying to hop
block me right now. I thought we
He takes another monster slurp.
We're not trying to hop block you,
buddy. We just want you get with
the best one here. You're telling
me you wouldn't rather tap one of
Dylan motions to an impressive array of taps at the bar.
'f course I would. But I see them
an I get 'timidated. Half of 'em
That hasn't stopped me and Dylan.
They hold up their fancy beers.
Yeah, well I'm not you. We can't
all find one with a full body, can
we? Or one with such nice curves.
(angle on the glass)
Or one that gives great head!
(angle on the head)
So why don't we all just gang up on
Mike 'cause his beer isn't as good
OK, just calm down, Mike.
No! Fuck you guys! This beer's
gonna make me happy. Y'know why?
Because all beers are the same.
Don't say that, man!
'sTRUE! THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! They
all just mess with your head an'
'spect you to come back for more.
So why not this one then?! I just
wanna get my mouth wet...
OK, that's enough...
Dylan and Chester take the can away from him and pour it on
the floor. Mike spies something through the crowd.
What'd we have here...
Soft focus, sexy music. Zoom in on a tall, curvy beer glass.
It looks perfect, like in a beer ad.
What are you looking -
Chester and Dylan's POV. The "sexy" beer is really a
dented(and open) Foster's Oil Can beer with flies buzzing
Mike makes a move for it. Chester and Dylan hold him back.
Mike, don't. Some dude just left
Yeah, for ME!
UGH! Jesus Mike, you don't know
where that can's been!
Sure I do! I've been with beers
like that hundreds of times. Back
in high school and college.
You're a grown man now, Mike. You
can do better.
(breaking down a little)
But...but I'm just so thirsty,
guys. I've been dry for, like, a
month before tonight.
You know what, my friend knows this
great beer. A little unfiltered
blonde from Germany. Just got here.
I bet you two would get along.
I don't like blondes.
See! That's your problem, man!
We're trying to set you up with
something better but you don't want
better! You like slumming it
because you're afraid better beers
won't like you! Well I got news for
you, man; beers don't have
'Snot even your beeswax anyway!
Just leave me alone! I'll drink
what I want!
Chester and Dylan shake their heads.
Sure man. Whatever. Have a good
They turn and go. Mike grabs the Foster Oil Can and takes a
big slurpy sip. He makes a kind of grossed out face.
INT. APARTMENT - MORNING
Dylan and Chester are in the living room, drinking fancy
brunch drinks. Mike, disheveled and hungover, busts into the
living room. He looks horrified.
Well well well. Look who it is.
Have a good night?
Yeah, what happened with oil can
after we left?
Shut up! Guys, I did something
really, really bad. Look...
Mike cracks his door. Dylan and Chester take a look in.
There's a super hot NAKED GIRL in Mike's bed sleeping. The
camera zooms past her and focuses on a mostly empty 40oz
bottle of Colt 45.
Chester and Dylan look at Mike, horrified.
Not. A. Word.