Beer Beer Goggles

By

Streeter Seidell & Mike Trapp

          INT. BAR

          Two guys sitting at a bar table. One has a fancy tulip
          glass, and the other has a stella with the stupid little
          knife thing.

                              CHESTER
                    Mmm, yeah, I like how hoppy this
                    is. And the vanilla undertones -

                              BARTENDER (O.S) 
                    Last call!

                              DYLAN
                    Hey, where's Mike? I haven't seen
                    him in a while.

                              CHESTER
                    Oh shit, there he is.

          They both look disgusted.

                              DYLAN
                    What the hell is he doing? Look
                    what he's got his lips all over.

                              CHESTER
                    Ugh. He is so fucking wasted. He's
                    got those beer beer goggles on.

                              DYALN
                    Beer goggles?

                              CHESTER
                    No, beer beer goggles.

          They walk over to a very drunk Mike. He's got big ol' tall
          boy of MGD. The can has sticky thumbprints on it and some of
          the label is scratched off. They pull Mike aside.

                              CHESTER
                    What are you doing with that...
                    Macrobrew, man?

                              MIKE
                    Wha - This's a great beer! Best
                    beer in the beer bar!

          Mike sloppily SLURPS on the can, kind of like he's making
          out with it. Chester and Dylan cringe.

                              CHESTER
                    Yeah...so, uh, how did this happen?
                    You started the night with that
                    nice little Hefeweizen.

                              DYLAN
                    Yeah, and I saw you hitting up that
                    Irish Red just a few hours ago.

                              MIKE
                    Pfsst. I spent all this money on
                    them, and then they were gone. And
                    for what? So I can have an empty
                    wallet and a fuckin' headache.

          Another BIG SLURP. Chester and Dylan are grossed out.

                              CHESTER
                    Look man, that beer you're with is
                    like a 2, OK? It's gross. And
                    everybody is watching you drink it.

                              MIKE
                    Gross? I mean, yeah, like it's not
                    a bourbon barrel aged imperial
                    stout or whatever but it's not a
                    Natty either.

                              DYLAN
                    Mike man, it's not that far off
                    from a Natty.

                              MIKE
                         (holding can intimately, half
                         talking to it)
                    Nah, it's light and bubbly and fun
                    and fuck you guys for trying to hop
                    block me right now. I thought we
                    were bros?!

          He takes another monster slurp.

                              DYLAN
                    We're not trying to hop block you,
                    buddy. We just want you get with
                    the best one here. You're telling
                    me you wouldn't rather tap one of
                    those?

          Dylan motions to an impressive array of taps at the bar.

                              MIKE
                    'f course I would. But I see them
                    an I get 'timidated. Half of 'em
                    are foreign!

                              CHESTER
                    That hasn't stopped me and Dylan.

          They hold up their fancy beers.

                              MIKE
                    Yeah, well I'm not you. We can't
                    all find one with a full body, can
                    we? Or one with such nice curves.
                         (angle on the glass)
                    Or one that gives great head!
                         (angle on the head)
                    So why don't we all just gang up on
                    Mike 'cause his beer isn't as good
                    as ours!

                              DYLAN
                    OK, just calm down, Mike.

                              

                              MIKE
                    No! Fuck you guys! This beer's
                    gonna make me happy. Y'know why?
                    Because all beers are the same.

                              

                              DYLAN
                    Don't say that, man!

                              

                              CHESTER
                    So disrespectful...

                              

                              MIKE
                    'sTRUE! THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! They
                    all just mess with your head an'
                    'spect you to come back for more.
                    So why not this one then?! I just
                    wanna get my mouth wet...

                              DYLAN
                    OK, that's enough...

          Dylan and Chester take the can away from him and pour it on
          the floor. Mike spies something through the crowd.

                              MIKE
                         What'd we have here...

          

          Soft focus, sexy music. Zoom in on a tall, curvy beer glass.
          It looks perfect, like in a beer ad.

                              CHESTER
                    What are you looking -

          Chester and Dylan's POV. The "sexy" beer is really a
          dented(and open) Foster's Oil Can beer with flies buzzing
          around it.

          Mike makes a move for it. Chester and Dylan hold him back.

                              DYLAN
                    Mike, don't. Some dude just left
                    that here.

                              MIKE
                    Yeah, for ME!

                              CHESTER
                    UGH! Jesus Mike, you don't know
                    where that can's been!

                              MIKE
                    Sure I do! I've been with beers
                    like that hundreds of times. Back
                    in high school and college.

                              DYLAN
                    You're a grown man now, Mike. You
                    can do better.

                              MIKE
                         (breaking down a little)
                    But...but I'm just so thirsty,
                    guys. I've been dry for, like, a
                    month before tonight.

                              DYLAN
                    You know what, my friend knows this
                    great beer. A little unfiltered
                    blonde from Germany. Just got here.
                    I bet you two would get along.

                              MIKE
                         (sour)
                    I don't like blondes.

                              CHESTER
                         (erupting)
                    See! That's your problem, man!
                    We're trying to set you up with
                    something better but you don't want
                    better! You like slumming it
                    because you're afraid better beers
                    won't like you! Well I got news for
                    you, man; beers don't have
                    feelings!

                              MIKE
                    'Snot even your beeswax anyway!
                    Just leave me alone! I'll drink
                    what I want!

          Chester and Dylan shake their heads.

                              CHESTER
                    Sure man. Whatever. Have a good
                    night.

          They turn and go. Mike grabs the Foster Oil Can and takes a
          big slurpy sip. He makes a kind of grossed out face.

                              MIKE
                         (sotto)
                    Ugh...yeasty...

          INT. APARTMENT - MORNING

          Dylan and Chester are in the living room, drinking fancy
          brunch drinks. Mike, disheveled and hungover, busts into the
          living room. He looks horrified.

                              CHESTER
                    Well well well. Look who it is.
                    Have a good night?

                              DYLAN
                    Yeah, what happened with oil can
                    after we left?

                              MIKE
                         (serious, whisper)
                    Shut up! Guys, I did something
                    really, really bad. Look...

          Mike cracks his door. Dylan and Chester take a look in.
          There's a super hot NAKED GIRL in Mike's bed sleeping. The
          camera zooms past her and focuses on a mostly empty 40oz
          bottle of Colt 45.

          Chester and Dylan look at Mike, horrified.

                              MIKE
                         (serious)
                    Not. A. Word.