From CH Staff on
This St. Patricks Day, don't make any decisions you'll regret.
By Streeter Seidell & Mike Trapp
INT. BAR Two guys sitting at a bar table. One has a fancy tulip glass, and the other has a stella with the stupid little knife thing. CHESTER Mmm, yeah, I like how hoppy this is. And the vanilla undertones - BARTENDER (O.S) Last call! DYLAN Hey, where's Mike? I haven't seen him in a while. CHESTER Oh shit, there he is. They both look disgusted. DYLAN What the hell is he doing? Look what he's got his lips all over. CHESTER Ugh. He is so fucking wasted. He's got those beer beer goggles on. DYALN Beer goggles? CHESTER No, beer beer goggles. They walk over to a very drunk Mike. He's got big ol' tall boy of MGD. The can has sticky thumbprints on it and some of the label is scratched off. They pull Mike aside. CHESTER What are you doing with that... Macrobrew, man? MIKE Wha - This's a great beer! Best beer in the beer bar! Mike sloppily SLURPS on the can, kind of like he's making out with it. Chester and Dylan cringe. CHESTER Yeah...so, uh, how did this happen? You started the night with that nice little Hefeweizen. DYLAN Yeah, and I saw you hitting up that Irish Red just a few hours ago. MIKE Pfsst. I spent all this money on them, and then they were gone. And for what? So I can have an empty wallet and a fuckin' headache. Another BIG SLURP. Chester and Dylan are grossed out. CHESTER Look man, that beer you're with is like a 2, OK? It's gross. And everybody is watching you drink it. MIKE Gross? I mean, yeah, like it's not a bourbon barrel aged imperial stout or whatever but it's not a Natty either. DYLAN Mike man, it's not that far off from a Natty. MIKE (holding can intimately, half talking to it) Nah, it's light and bubbly and fun and fuck you guys for trying to hop block me right now. I thought we were bros?! He takes another monster slurp. DYLAN We're not trying to hop block you, buddy. We just want you get with the best one here. You're telling me you wouldn't rather tap one of those? Dylan motions to an impressive array of taps at the bar. MIKE 'f course I would. But I see them an I get 'timidated. Half of 'em are foreign! CHESTER That hasn't stopped me and Dylan. They hold up their fancy beers. MIKE Yeah, well I'm not you. We can't all find one with a full body, can we? Or one with such nice curves. (angle on the glass) Or one that gives great head! (angle on the head) So why don't we all just gang up on Mike 'cause his beer isn't as good as ours! DYLAN OK, just calm down, Mike. MIKE No! Fuck you guys! This beer's gonna make me happy. Y'know why? Because all beers are the same. DYLAN Don't say that, man! CHESTER So disrespectful... MIKE 'sTRUE! THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! They all just mess with your head an' 'spect you to come back for more. So why not this one then?! I just wanna get my mouth wet... DYLAN OK, that's enough... Dylan and Chester take the can away from him and pour it on the floor. Mike spies something through the crowd. MIKE What'd we have here... Soft focus, sexy music. Zoom in on a tall, curvy beer glass. It looks perfect, like in a beer ad. CHESTER What are you looking - Chester and Dylan's POV. The "sexy" beer is really a dented(and open) Foster's Oil Can beer with flies buzzing around it. Mike makes a move for it. Chester and Dylan hold him back. DYLAN Mike, don't. Some dude just left that here. MIKE Yeah, for ME! CHESTER UGH! Jesus Mike, you don't know where that can's been! MIKE Sure I do! I've been with beers like that hundreds of times. Back in high school and college. DYLAN You're a grown man now, Mike. You can do better. MIKE (breaking down a little) But...but I'm just so thirsty, guys. I've been dry for, like, a month before tonight. DYLAN You know what, my friend knows this great beer. A little unfiltered blonde from Germany. Just got here. I bet you two would get along. MIKE (sour) I don't like blondes. CHESTER (erupting) See! That's your problem, man! We're trying to set you up with something better but you don't want better! You like slumming it because you're afraid better beers won't like you! Well I got news for you, man; beers don't have feelings! MIKE 'Snot even your beeswax anyway! Just leave me alone! I'll drink what I want! Chester and Dylan shake their heads. CHESTER Sure man. Whatever. Have a good night. They turn and go. Mike grabs the Foster Oil Can and takes a big slurpy sip. He makes a kind of grossed out face. MIKE (sotto) Ugh...yeasty... INT. APARTMENT - MORNING Dylan and Chester are in the living room, drinking fancy brunch drinks. Mike, disheveled and hungover, busts into the living room. He looks horrified. CHESTER Well well well. Look who it is. Have a good night? DYLAN Yeah, what happened with oil can after we left? MIKE (serious, whisper) Shut up! Guys, I did something really, really bad. Look... Mike cracks his door. Dylan and Chester take a look in. There's a super hot NAKED GIRL in Mike's bed sleeping. The camera zooms past her and focuses on a mostly empty 40oz bottle of Colt 45. Chester and Dylan look at Mike, horrified. MIKE (serious) Not. A. Word.